Hard-To-Get? Mating-Centrism and Other Pitfalls Of Early Dating

Dear Duana, I’m a therapist with a question about my client, “Suzy”. After just three weeks of dating “Steve”, she’s already refusing to see others, but he hasn’t said anything about their being exclusive. I know this is the wrong strategy for finding a good man, but I don’t know what to tell her about why, and what she should say and do instead. Any advice? Dear Therese, You’re absolutely right. If she wants anything long-term later, Suzy needs to keep dating others now, and more than that—she needs to say so to Steve. But I’ll bet Suzy doesn’t see it that way. She probably thinks dating others will turn Steve away, feels dishonest about dating around, wants to avoid hurting his feelings by showing him a clear path ahead, and hopes that by showing early commitment, she can influence Steve to reciprocate. Unfortunately, that’s wrong x 4.

Click to read more ...

Comments from “Passionate Kisses: Too much to ask?”

Wise Readers, Your resounding response to the Passionate Kisses column? No!—It’s not too much to ask! Beyond that, you had questions: Why is the husband’s (but not wife’s) memory for courtship such an important predictor of whether a marriage will last? Is there a distinction between emotional and physical passion—and can either one last forever? What if you’ve got a permanent relationship problem—can you still be happy? Read on!

Click to read more ...

Passionate Kisses: Too much to ask?

Dear Duana,Meg and I have been married 17 years, but we’ve never had a spark when we’ve kissed—even from day one. Does the lack of passion in our kissing mean anything? Or should it be enough to have values and interests in common? Dear Bart, Your questions remind me of “Passionate Kisses” song-writer Lucinda Williams’ lyric: “Is it too much to ask?” Absolutely not—yet you aren’t feeling it, and say you never did. Here’s why I don’t believe it, and what you can do to put some Zip in your Doo Dah…

Click to read more ...

Comments from "Her Cheatin' Heart: Infidelity's Aftermath"

Wise Readers, Prevailing cultural wisdom says unhappy couples should divorce for the sake of the kids; adultery is always a good reason for divorce; and couples who are unhappy will usually stay that way. Yet science has disproven these ideas. Is there a need for divorce—and if so, when? Do men and women cheat for the same reasons? Which aspects of an affair are the least forgivable for women versus men? And what do real-life women say about their affairs? Read on!

Click to read more ...

Her Cheatin’ Heart: Infidelity’s aftermath

Dear Duana, Two years ago, my wife’s wandering attention prompted me to scope phone records, where I found many lengthy calls to another man. Although she claims it was only emotional, my gut says otherwise…Do I divorce her, or is there some way to quit feeling so jealous and angry, forgive her and prevent this from happening again? Dear Tristan, As Dr. David Buss says, eliminating your jealousy “…would be like smashing a smoke alarm to solve the problem of a house fire. Successful coping requires dealing with the fire.” You sensed emotional heat at a minimum—and perhaps a full-on sexual blaze. And you stopped it. But what now?…

Click to read more ...