Passionate Kisses: Too much to ask?
Dear Duana,
Meg and I have been married 17 years, but we’ve never had a spark when we’ve kissed—even from day one. There’s a lack of intimacy in it for me that’s troubling as I reach this middle period of my life and marriage. So my questions are, does the lack of passion in our kissing mean anything? Or should it be enough to have values and interests in common?
Bart
Dear Bart,
Your questions remind me of “Passionate Kisses” song-writer Lucinda Williams’ lyric: “Is it too much to ask?” Absolutely not—especially for couples with a lot in common, since similarity usually sustains a great connection on every level. And kissing should help with your emotional bond, because it releases Reward & Trust Twins dopamine and oxytocin—love drugs that enhance bonding and fun wherever they roam. The young collegiate participants in Susan Hughes’ kissing research confirm this, saying it helps them feel emotionally intimate with their partners, and affirming the importance of kissing for long-term relationships. But how does this relate to you and other mid-life/mid-marriage adults?
To find out, the Passionate Kisses Survey was launched and answered by 120 Love Science readers. And whether these folks do or don’t represent everyone else, it’s clear They Know Long-Term Love. Three-fourths are ages 31-49, and 100% are either presently or formerly involved in long-term partnerships; the largest category of respondents has now been married between 8 and 20 years, like you and Meg.
The upshot? Passionate Kissing In Long-Term Relationships Is Important, and if you’re not happy with the kissing, it’s highly likely you’re unhappy with your marriage, too. In our study, over 2/3 of the men and women think kissing in long-term relationships in general is “very” or “extremely” important. Only 6% think it’s “slightly” or “not at all” important. And when it comes to their own relationships, our respondents’ happiness is closely related to how much they enjoy kissing their mate: 90% of the Extremely Happily partnered are “extremely” or “very happy” with the smooching, and the less happy in love are typically underwhelmed by the kissing. So, the answer to your first question—whether lacking lip zip means anything—seems to be Yes: Although representative research needs to be done on this, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that you and Meg probably aren’t very emotionally satisfied with one another right now.
What concerns me the most, though, isn’t your current unhappiness—but your belief that the kissing was never great. See, Passionate Kisses aren’t just relationship-maintainers—in Westernized nations like ours, they’re practically mandatory at love’s launch. On early dates, men say they use kissing to get sex—preferring deep, wet Hoover Maneuvers, maybe because their testosterone-laden saliva can put women on a rather persuasive high. Meantime, women use the first lip-lock to unconsciously assess health and immune system compatibility for possible baby-making—and they’re pretty ruthless about dumping an entire relationship if the kissing is sub-par. In fact, a bad first smooch is a deal-breaker for most people: Gordon Gallup, Jr. found that 66% of women and 59% of men admit they lost their attraction for someone who killed their buzz with that first mouth meld. Message? If you or Meg had flunked The Test, it’s highly unlikely you would have gone steady, much less gone to the chapel.
Turns out, although memories feel accurate, science has repeatedly shown that our present emotions change what we remember about the past. For instance, depressed people often misremember always being depressed, and unhappy couples typically have trouble recalling sunnier days. So when Diane Holmberg and J. G. Holmes interviewed 373 newlywed couples, all said they were very happy. Yet two years later, when some re-interviewed couples had become dissatisfied—they could not recall the happy times. In fact, they remembered things as having been bad all along.
And that’s dangerous. Because just as the steps are short between “I’ve always been depressed,” to “I always will be,” to “Why bother with living?” it’s a small distance between “We’ve never had passion,” to “We never will,” to “Why bother with this marriage?” Maybe that’s why John Gottman finds that one of the best predictors of divorce is what the husband recalls about courtship and early marriage. Men who remember few details —or mostly bad ones—are headed for a split. And only you can say for sure, but it’s sounding like you might be one of those men right now.
What, then, should you do? Resign yourself to a dull marriage and passionless kisses? NO. Because even though lots of long-wed people *are* in the doldrums—what with the pressures of parenting, careers, and obligations beating down— there’s a flip-side to the stats: 1/3 to ½ of long-partnered couples remain delighted with one another; almost 90% of couples who consider divorce but remain together become “very” happy in under five years; and those that falter can usually be taught to re-kindle their love.
But first, you must remember the passion. Gottman has found that guiding husbands to recall everything positive they can about their wife, their early dating, their wedding, their first year of marriage—can be an immense help in re-igniting the spark that united them to begin with. You married Meg for reasons—lots of them—and since you say you’ve got a lot in common, they were probably good ones. What were they??? Remember…
So, I know this is highly un-guy-like, but if you want some Zip in your Doo Dah—Make A List. Make a list of everything good you can remember about the early days with Meg—why you asked her out; how irresistible her cute little butt and her generous laugh were; what she did that made you feel like Much Man; what made you want to give up all the other girls in the world to have her; what she did at the wedding that made you adore her even more; the way she loved you even when you didn’t have all the Stuff you’ve since accumulated. Then, feel free to add to that list every little thing you love about her now. And read your list every day.
Barring total deal-breakers you and Meg don’t seem to have, it’s usually the case that those whom we loved once, we can love again. Maybe not with the fervor of early love, since that appears to be a biochemical thing we aren’t in total control of—but with a love that is satisfying, deep, and real. A love with Passionate Kisses. It’s not too much to ask.
Cheers,
Duana
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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2009
The author wishes to thank the following scientists for their outstanding research into human kissing:
And
Bart, for helping inspire and author the Passionate Kissing Survey
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Reader Comments (23)
"No sparks," kissing would be a TOTAL deal breaker for me! No way I could be attracted to someone if we weren't meshing on so basic a level as that. I've absolutely ended relationships before they even really started based on a bad first kiss. Call me shallow if you want, but it's VERY important as a litmus test for general compatibility and attraction, in my book.
Interesting to me that future happiness can be gauged by the HUSBAND'S positive recollection of courtship and early marriage...
I remember taking over a new region and acquiring a manager who was highly touted. After a month I quickly saw this manager to lack skillsets and strengths I deemed prerequisites to be successful. Even questioning, "How did they get this far without these qualities?" Then eventually I was able to witness the talent and abilities that allowed (clearly ) this person to supercede their shortcomings.
Which brings me to my point. A sustained marriage of 17yrs is an accomplishment in itself. Perhaps she overlooked her husband's lack of passionate kisses because the other things were more important or enough to where it was not a priority. Me? A kiss without passion is courtesy. I must have that connection with the a person of potential longevity.
But I will say that while I have had many passionate and weak-making kisses, I have never had a 17yr relationship with anyone. So perhaps my outlook on what is most important to ask for should be re-evaluated. :)
It is interesting that the future happiness of the marriage is gauged by the husband's recollection of the positive qualities of his wife and not necessarily the wife's recollection of her husbands positive qualities. Why do you think that is?
@Leslie, Kissing is an act that anecdotal evidence shows is so intimate, many people consider it more intimate than sex--and as some Love Science readers and social scientists have noted, most prostitutes won't kiss on the mouth for this reason.
So I'm with you, and I don't think you're being shallow to make passionate kisses a requirement (either that, or the majority of us are shallow, per Gallup's research where people dumped a relationship over a bad first kiss). Emotionally speaking, the top reason we get involved with another person is for intimacy. If we hate (or even just don't love) kissing our significant other, it's a pretty good clue that the intimacy most of us require for a faithful, happy partnership is DOA.
@Monica and Candi, I, too, was struck with Gottman's finding about husbands' (but not wives') memories of the past being a strong predictor of divorce. It is not entirely clear why this is so--just that it *is* so. That's the trouble with correlational research; it doesn't tell us what caused what (experiments do, but there are ethical hazards in randomly assigning some couples to nurse grudges!).
My best guess, based on other research about men's emotional lives in marriage and dating, is that men are usually *more* (not less) romantic about their relationships than women are--so that when men lose that idealism and revise the past, their hope fizzles for the future, too. Withdrawing from a relationship and living separate, lonely lives under the same roof is the final stage before most couples divorce, and men tend to withdraw when they feel hopeless and harried about their marriage.
Good thing, then, that Gottman's experimental research has shown that helping men to re-write their memories for the past to recall the happier days, restores that hope and helps men re-invest their hearts in the marriage.
@Quinn,
I appreciate your management observation, and believe that you'd be correct in some circumstances; kissing's importance could be overshadowed in some cases. For example, there are about 9-10% of world cultures that *don't* kiss, and in some other cultures where dating is forbidden and marriages are arranged, we'd expect passion and/or passionate kissing to be a limited element of how a partner is chosen.
But we don't have any data yet to tell us for sure. You'd be amazed, really, by how little scientists currently know about kissing. The world's best-selling human sexuality textbook references kissing exactly twice, and the studies they cite are so old, they were written in heiroglyphics, lol.
That said, we've got a handful of new studies on passionate kissing. And they've got me thinking that although it's *possible* that one person in Bart's marriage could have said yes to a blah emotional connection in kissing--it's really unlikely they *both* approved that. In a time and place where the vast majority of people marry for love, where kissing is part of early courtship, and passionate kissing is a common litmus for establishing a bond--I think it much likelier Bart and Meg revised their pasts For Worse as their happiness and intimacy waned.
I would like to see a lot more research done on this act that, for most of us, is so basic and required. For instance--it's known now that women who don't like their husband's scent are more likely to cheat. I would bet good money--if I were the betting sort--that the same can be said of partners who settle for lackluster liplock.
Duana-
I have a hypothesis about the comments you made in response to Monica's comment above. (Full Disclosure to everyone else: Monica is my wife!). It may be that wives are generally just better at recalling details about courtship and early married life than husbands. If so, then the wife's recollection - as a constant in the equation - would not be a determining factor in the success or failure of the long term relationship.
It's just a hypothesis, but (and I may regret admitting this) Monica remembers way more details about our courtship and early married life than I do. I mean WAAAAAYYY more. I remember plenty of details -- good details -- but for sheer volume of data storage, Monica has me beat hands down.
Just my (cautiously tendered) $.02.
mpc
Who are all these couples who claim to be passionately kissing years and decades later? I don't know many people who have been married for a long time who have what you can really call passion in their marriages. It seems that these couples who are so desperately seeking "passion" are really longing for EMOTIONAL intimacy because they are not bonded, regardless of whether or not they are reasonably matched.
Passion seems to be fueled by what is new, dangerous, or exciting. Once the core needs of each spouse are met, how is it even possible to have regular displays of passion that aren't disingenuous? The spiritual intermingling that happens when lips first meet is telling enough, no? If the kissing carries us to where true intimacy takes over, why should we so quickly turn our noses up to that?
Ah, Anonymous... The passion that you describe is of the raw variety - the kind that is about as sustainable as a sprint in a marathon. Just like love, passion matures with time and cultivation. If you choose your mate wisely and work very hard (those are not just pat phrases to be glossed over), you can certainly maintain a passion in your marriage. Of course, a couple passionately in love for 40 years won't be seen crawling all over each other in a restaurant. But, back at the ranch after the kids have left and the dogs have died (to quote the incomparable Erma Bombeck), Katy bar the door... :)
Passionate kisses have more to do with heart, spirit, connection, and chemistry than anything. And those things get better with time.
@Duana: I love your "Make a list" suggestion. It is absolutely right on. For me, writing things down helps me make sense of the jumble of thoughts I have. It also helps me clarify and develop a rational understanding of my thoughts. One of the most healing things I did during my divorce (there was one of your listed "deal-breakers") was to write down 10 things that he did that were right, that were good, and that showed a light on the part of him that I fell in love with to begin with. With a clearer understanding of him as a whole person, I was free to address the "deal-breaker" in a rational sense, rather than under the cloak of hurt and shame. In a basically good marriage, it would have helped me remember the love and passion we shared in an earlier time, and helped me re-establish those healthy connections.
@mpc/Monica's spouse-- That's another worthy hypothesis! Some science shows that women process up to twice as much verbal information as men--and that could translate into recalling more. Nice idea--thanks for the insight.
@Kelly and Anonymous--you've book-ended the passion topic nicely (Kelly, thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry about the deal-breaker. Sounds like you handled things with maturity and grace.).
Let me add this: You are both correct.
Anonymous, what I call Mountaintop Passion does tend to decline over time (in fact, a ream of science indicates that marital satisfaction in general declines over time). Our own study bears this out: All but one of those who were partnered two years or less said they are “very” or “extremely” happy with their mate and their mate’s kiss—but just half of those partnered 8 or more years say the same.
And Kelly, you're right as well. There is, indeed, a huge difference between living on what I call The Mountaintop--yearning for one's beloved every moment you are apart--and having a deep, sustained, companionable love that is punctuated by moments of passionate celebration of your union. Scientists have been firming up the distinction since the 1970's, and today, brain scan research is helping to determine whether there are some couples who *do* sustain Mountaintop passion for a lifetime (Arthur Aron, Bianca Acevedo and others have found that about 10% of long-term couples show ventral tegmental area (VTA) brain activity and biochemical responses that are just as passionate as new lovers’—but for the other 90% of us, it appears likely we’re moving from Passionate to Companionate love.). So, although the mountaintop-experience of Grand Passion declines almost universally after love’s first flush, moments of physical passion exist for most couples. I'd like to get into why so few couples have Mountaintop passion--and who those couples are likely to be--in a future column. Thanks for the idea :).
To all: One of the scientists cited in this column--Dr. Diane Holmberg--has sent a letter offering an opportunity for some of you to participate in upcoming romantic relationship research she's doing. I think it's something many of you would enjoy, and she's got incentives for your participation. More details will come as they're available; just wanted you to have the heads-up for now.
@anonymous
I agree with your statement: "It seems that these couples who are so desperately seeking "passion" are really longing for EMOTIONAL intimacy because they are not bonded, regardless of whether or not they are reasonably matched."
I think that emotional intimacy begins with a kiss, and getting a "spark" from your partner's kiss should be essential in the beginning of a relationship if you have any long term aspirations with that person.
However, I believe that if a person marries later in life, after he or she has had several relationships, it is easier for he or she to overlook the kissing aspect of a relationship as less important. The clock is ticking so to speak, and a person may not be as focused on the physical aspect or "spark" of the relationship but may select a mate based on other traits of compatibility. This in and of itself is not bad, but in hindsight, I believe the "spark" of your partner's kiss will be paramount to a person's long-term satisfaction in the relationship and the emotional intimacy which it creates.
@Kelly...I probably do not belong in this discussion thread, as my sweetheart and I have been married over 42 years. I still embarrass him in restaurants by doing covert acts under the table and insisting that he kiss me (it usually ends up being a peck in public, of course). But as Duana says...Katy, bar the door once we arrive home! To quote Jim Stafford, "When the kids leave home, we'll make love in the kitchen..." The first time my sweetie kissed me, he tasted like strawberries. He still tastes like strawberries, and I still adore kissing him. Rest assured, we don't roll in the hay every day of the week any more...and medical conditions require our lovemaking to be more creative these days...but we look forward to our Date Nights or Date Afternoons. We kiss each other good morning every day and good night after crawling in bed....and many times during the day, as we pass. There are little fanny-pats, shoulder-scratches. He's still the hottest guy I've ever known. @Duana, thanks for referencing Erma in this and other articles ("Too Tired for an Affair" is one of my favorites---great book). My first time to post on the website, and I look forward to reading more!
@Bart--Those are solid observations. I think current science points to most people requiring a spark in their kissing from the outset, but doubtless you're correct that a few settle for lackluster kissing--and they shouldn't. There are cultures where passion is neither encouraged nor required for a marriage to begin or sustain, but ours is not one of those; and people who lack passion at home tend to look for it elsewhere.
On the other hand, I stand by the well-replicated finding that people who are not now happy revise their pasts as being gloomy....that therefore our memories that feel so real are often wrong....and that it's far more common for people to incorrectly recall a passionless beginning, than it is for them to have *truly* had a dull start. Dr. Diane Holmberg, who did the research on newly married couples and found that now-unhappy couples could not recall the happiness she had documented just two years before, wrote to me privately to say she agrees with that assessment.
@Carmen, Thank you for sharing your inspiring story of a lusty, long marriage. I got a huge kick out of it! The sort of sex you are talking about--where signs of affection and connectedness happen throughout the day, and the culmination in The Act is part of the overall picture--is the kind that fans the flames for a lifetime, as decades-long marriage research is increasingly documenting. I hope you'll always feel very welcome here. Love Science is for everyone, and we can benefit from your wisdom and experience.
@Carmen
I absolutely love your story. Kudos to you both!
I am on my third marriage with the romantic remembrances on the preceding ones faded, although knowing myself and my needs must have been present.
With that said, I believe this time my wife and I share what you have. It sometimes embarasses our kids, but maybe that's part of the fun ;)
My days are not complete without looking into my lovely wife's eyes and kissing her so softly in the morning ...and again throughout the day... and at least one, maybe more, before falling asleep. The deeply meaningful hugs, the gentle pats add the extra icing.
After reading your story I said to my wife that I hope that we still have this in 40 more years.
Thank you so much for sharing!
@Vincent, thank you for your take on Passionate Kisses in long-term love. Sounds like your wife is a fortunate woman!
Thanks, but actually I am the lucky one :)
@Vincent...more power to you!!! Those years can pass so quickly, but no matter how much we mellow, with life's daily schedule changing through the years and modifying the relationship, ALWAYS ALWAYS kiss each other. Makes the hard times easier to survive. I giggled about embarrassing the kids...I've spent my life embarrassing my kids on several fronts. But when she was 31, one of our daughters wrote a beautiful "Thank You" letter to us, listing all the little things. And one of those was a thank you for loving each other so much. So let it be written, so let it be done :-)
Just a note of clarification...our marriage has not been a perfect, unspoiled bouqet of roses...sometimes more like Guns'n'Roses!!! Our backgrounds were quite different...Glen a farm boy, I a city girl...but we shared the important cornerstones: experiencing an intact, loving family and being reared in the Christian faith. We also both had bachelor's degrees. Neither of us has self-esteem issues. Admittedly, the church part was a vastly different experience. Glen was born on a hillside & attended a little community church during his childhood---then attended a Presbyterian high school/jr. college. I suffer from congenital Methodism, very active in organized religion. We learned from each other. And early on, his very frugal style conflicted with my spendthrift habits...some good memories of that, as I desperately needed someone to rein me in. Also some bad memories...no AC when we built our home ("I'm not going to pay for an air conditioner for 25 years, we'll put one in later), no more than one vehicle (a pickup with no AC), no "allowance" for me just to play...you get my drift. Communication is the key. After our third baby was born, and I struggled through my third summer in that hot house, I gently told him I would lay down my life for him....but if he did not air-condition the house, I was leaving. Oh, OK :-) I repeat, COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!!! And, once again, the healing power of Touch...kissing, hugging. Through the years we have continued to learn from each other...with much mellowing, of course. Our children would be horrified at the balance we carry on our credit card. The spendthrift sortof won out on that one. But despite mellowing, the passion is still there. Gotta love it when that happens.
@Duana,
Some more comments:
Is passion defined by a sexual passion or an emotional passion?
I think I (and perhaps my wife) may have settled for a somewhat "sparkless" kissing without consciously realizing it because there was a strong physical/sexual "passion" from both of us, but especially on the part of my wife to me. We also had been very close friends for several years prior to our courtship so there was a certain comfort/trust/caring level already established in the relationship prior to it becoming romantic. In hindsight we may have sort of "skipped over" the kissing aspect of the relationship because of this and the fact that we had (still do) so many other common interests. In a normal relationship progression you likely would have - initial meeting, friendship, initial physical attraction, caring, kissing/petting, sexual interaction.
In our relationship I believe it was a little out of order and went from friendship/caring to attraction/kissing/petting/sexual in one fell swoop!
And while there may have been little spark when we kissed, it doesn't mean there weren't any fireworks in the bedroom. (maybe it was a spontaneous combustion with little or no spark. LOL)
Just to clarify my feelings, I would not characterize my marital past as gloomy and I don't believe my relationship had a passionless beginning or a dull start, at least from a physical/sexual aspect. However, I will concede that I am not completely happy now for a variety of reasons. The fireworks still happen in the bedroom, albeit less frequently than before, and I still love Meg and the person and mother she is but do wish for the emotional passion created by a kiss that Carmen writes so glowingly about.
Thanks for doing the research and for providing a forum for discussion.
@Bart, Scientists including Elaine Hatfield literally define passion as "an intense longing for union with another", and it's been shown to be a transient state that lasts up to a couple of years, with a few rare exceptions that last far beyond that (a future column will cover the exceptions and explanations in detail). From that standpoint, passion is an *emotional* state that creates a longing for emotional and sexual union. But naturally, we don't tend to forever yearn for something we already have :).
Instead, most long-term couples love one another companionately--that is, warmly and genuinely but not at a constantly high level of intensity; they have moments of physical and/or emotional passion, coupled with an abiding emotional intimacy that feels comforting and validating rather than intense.
Research on couples who remain married for decades relates to your longing for greater emotional intimacy, but to my knowledge science hasn't yet specifically studied how to create passion in kissing per se. Here's what the Science Says:
--Your background with your wife is a valid basis for optimism that you two can find the emotional intimacy you long for. You began as friends--a fantastic basis so often lacking in courtships that start from a sexual basis. Research shows that *the* most direct route to intimacy is building on that foundation and treating one another as cherished friends.
--Most couples hit long dull stretches, and *all* couples in decades-long studies of marriages have problems they never solve. Not just one or two problems, either! Fully 69% of the issues in marriages are perpetual, never fully going away. This is true whether couples are happy or miserable. Perhaps dull kissing is one of your and Meg's perpetual issues. There are happy couples who have large sexual issues...money issues, issues with child-rearing, etc. are all problems shared by happy and unhappy couples. What are the happy couples doing differently?
Please read the Love Science posting entitled "Dealing With Your Difficult Woman," and buy the book linked at the end. Apply what you find there, and your perpetual troubles won't go away...but they'll lose their grip, and your relationship will be happier than you thought possible.