SETTLING 101: Traits For A Mate

Dear Duana, I’m dating Viv, a woman who is never satisfied with what I can give….I love her, but I’m unhappy and I don’t think this will change. Am I being too picky and tossing away my best shot at love if I leave, or is staying settling? Should I find someone I mesh with better? Dear Charles, Dating is the time to pick the one who makes your heart sing, not the one who’s got you singin’ the blues. Although it’s tempting to advise dropping this relationship like a dinnertime telemarketer, *you* are the expert on you and your needs. Let’s leverage that expertise to help you answer your own questions so you can get a relationship that is more joy than job—whether with Viv or someone else….

Click to read more ...

Q&A from “Winning Him Back—with Jealousy?”

Our recent column about The Green-Eyed Monster gave way to strategic, ethical, and empirical discussion. Should women reveal it to their friend if using that friend to make someone else jealous? What are the four Warning Signs that jealousy should *not* be used—and how can jealousy be leveraged with emotional intelligence? Why don’t women just tell the truth when they want someone? What if you’re the man who was caught in the cross-hairs and lived to resent it; are women merely toying with you? Read on!

Click to read more ...

Winning Him Back—with Jealousy?

After three happy years with my first love, I ruined things by turning clingy, depressed and negative when we moved apart for grad school. Not surprisingly, he eventually broke it off, and I actually begged him to return. We now live in the same city, know the same people, and often see one another at art galleries, the theater, etc. How do I ease the awkwardness between us, let him see I’m the woman he fell in love with, and win him back? Dear Cait, Oh, the I-cringe-at-my-own-past-desperate-behavior feeling! We’ve all been there. Yet precisely because you tried so hard to hang onto Dan back then, it’s imperative that you do *nothing* to ease the tension now. In fact, I’d suggest increasing the awkwardness…

Click to read more ...

Q&A from “Hard-To-Get? Mating-Centrism and Other Pitfalls of Early Dating”

Do all men live in hierarchy—seeking status and needing cues of elusiveness to emotionally connect? Are some guys scared off or disgusted by women who are hard-to-get? What happens if you’ve got dates with two different guys on a weekend—and they ask what you’re doing when not with them? Is H2G the same thing as Being A Bitch? Is it possible to be *too* hard-to-get? And what if you want to learn to be H2G—but aren’t sure you can? Read on!

Click to read more ...

Hard-To-Get? Mating-Centrism and Other Pitfalls Of Early Dating

Dear Duana, I’m a therapist with a question about my client, “Suzy”. After just three weeks of dating “Steve”, she’s already refusing to see others, but he hasn’t said anything about their being exclusive. I know this is the wrong strategy for finding a good man, but I don’t know what to tell her about why, and what she should say and do instead. Any advice? Dear Therese, You’re absolutely right. If she wants anything long-term later, Suzy needs to keep dating others now, and more than that—she needs to say so to Steve. But I’ll bet Suzy doesn’t see it that way. She probably thinks dating others will turn Steve away, feels dishonest about dating around, wants to avoid hurting his feelings by showing him a clear path ahead, and hopes that by showing early commitment, she can influence Steve to reciprocate. Unfortunately, that’s wrong x 4.

Click to read more ...