But They're Nice To Everyone! How Do I Know If I'm Special?

How can you tell whether you’re becoming special to someone—or they’re just really nice?

A client recently sent me this text about a woman he was getting to know:

“We had a lovely conversation that seemed pretty connected. But I wonder if that’s just a personal style of hers that she is able to have with everyone and doesn’t mean much to her.”

I’m so glad he told me, because this is a mistake I’ve seen many people make—especially when they’re dating the Holy Grail of potential mates: someone whose attachment style is Secure.

They’re kind to everyone. They’re interested in everyone. They’re warm with everyone. So maybe the way they’re treating me doesn’t mean anything.

How about a reframe? 

If someone treats everyone with kindness, warmth, and respect, that’s not evidence that you’re unimportant. It’s evidence that you’ve found someone whose default setting is kindness, warmth, and respect. 

How lucky are you?!

In fact, you want the bar for how your partner treats other people to be quite high, because your partner will eventually treat you the worst way they treat others. Plus, I’ve never met anyone who was abused by a genuinely kind person. 

And being treated well is a standard I’d love for you to get used to! 

So pay attention to how your date treats the server who makes a mistake; their family who disappoints them; their friends who had a slip-up; and the stranger who inconveniences them.

You don’t want to be the only person they treat well. You want to choose someone whose default setting with people in general is kindness.

So how do you know whether you’re special?

Instead of asking, “Are they kinder to me than they are to everyone else?” ask, “Am I a priority—or an option?”Because the right person will treat you differently, in terms of time spent, choices made, and the developing emotional closeness particular to the two of you.

If you’re becoming special to them, they’re choosing to spend Saturday evening with you when they could spend it somewhere else.

They’re making room for you in an already-full life.

They’re initiating and responding to contact.

They’re remembering things that matter to you.

They’re participating in plans and following through.

And, especially, the emotional closeness between the two of you is growing with each meeting.

After five dates, you know one another in ways you didn’t after two. After ten, there are shared experiences, private jokes, increasing vulnerability, and a growing sense of us that doesn’t exist between this person and everyone else they treat kindly.

All of that shows your unique value to them. 

So if you’re dating someone wonderful and find yourself thinking, But they’re nice to everyone, good! 

Their kindness tells you something vital about who they are.

Their increasing investment in you tells you something important about who you’re becoming to them.

Dating gets a lot easier when you can quickly and accurately spot a great (or not-so) match for you. If you’re 50-plus and want my step-by-step approach to finding the right partner without settling, this free 15-minute training is for you:
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Their Sense of Humor is Telling You Something

Sarcasm is funny—or is it?

A funny thing is happening on dating apps. Literally, people are describing themselves as funny—and then specifying that they’re sarcastic and want someone who “can take a joke.”

But what kind of joke? 

When my clients suss out a potential partner, I encourage them to pay attention to something that might seem trivial:

How does this person make people laugh?

I don’t mean whether they can tell a good joke—but what kind of joke they like to tell. It’s less can-they-make-me-laugh, and more what-and-who-are-they-laughing-at?

In a nutshell: What kind of humor do they use?

Do they notice funny things in everyday life? Are they witty, playful, and positive in their humor? Can they laugh at themselves kindly? Does their humor create pleasure without requiring someone else to lose status so the speaker can get a laugh?  Do they tell stories that leave everyone involved with their dignity intact?

That’s what I call victimless humor. Turns out, it’s often associated with relationship-building qualities, such as the capacity for intimacy. And in my long experience with my clients’ relationships, it’s the humor that builds friendship, grows intimacy, and keeps the home fires burning.

But what if their humor relies on sarcasm, cynicism, mockery, and making somebody else the butt of the joke? That’s a problem. 

Science agrees. In a 2026 study where people labeled their own sense of humor, researchers measured the participants’ personality traits and looked for connections.  

The results did not show that people who use sarcasm must also have personality disorders. Please don’t whip out the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders over appetizers. :)

But sarcasm and cynicism were more strongly associated with traits that aren’t terribly helpful in love: hostility, distrust, antagonism, and emotional dysregulation. Sarcasm is often used to avoid deeper intimacy, too. And that’s not funny at all when you want a love that lasts. 

In other words, humor isn’t automatically healthy because it’s funny.

And when you’re dating, that’s useful information, not just after you meet—but before you’ve exchanged one word. 

It may seem harsh, but if someone says they’re sarcastic or looking for someone to take a joke, I ask my clients to be kind to themselves and take their attention elsewhere. It’s an automatic block. And not every client has been willing to do this; but those who go ahead and date the sarcastic have eventually left them over…well, over what we’ve just been describing. 

But what if you’re already on a date? Or deciding whether to take things further? 

Maya Angelou that situation: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 

Watch. Watch how you feel when they tease you: closer, or subtly diminished? Watch your behavior: do you become more yourself, or do you edit and shrink? Watch how they act when you don’t find the joke funny. Watch what happens when they tell a funny story about someone else: is it done with contempt, or affection? Can they be funny without making someone else out to be stupid, incompetent, unattractive, oversensitive, or wrong?

That’s humor with a victim—and the victim could wind up being you. Because here’s a rule of thumb you can rely on: the worst way they talk about someone else is eventually how they’ll talk to and about you. 

This is one reason I teach clients to go well beyond chemistry and fun in the early stages of dating. 

Those things matter for the long term. But selecting well also means noticing how someone moves through the world before you’re so emotionally invested that you start explaining away what you see. Kindness and respect are the most fundamental parts of love that lasts—and they show up right from the start, including how people use humor.

So yes, look for someone who makes you laugh. But understand this: “I’m looking for someone who can take a joke” is accurately translated, “I’m looking for someone who’ll take it when I pick on them.”

I hope that’s not good enough for you. 

Instead, seek out someone whose humor is generous. Someone playful. Someone witty. Someone who can see the absurdities of life without needing a victim.

Because after the joke is over, you’ll still have to live with the person who told it.

If you’re over 50 and want to get better at recognizing the right partner early—without settling or repeating old patterns—I’ve created a free 15-minute training to show you how I approach finding and choosing lasting love.

You can watch it here:

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Reference: Dionigi, A., Duradoni, M., & Vagnoli, L. (2026). Humor and Personality Disorders: Associations Between Comic Styles and Maladaptive Personality Traits in a Normative Adult Sample. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts.

How Long Should You Wait To Have S*x? Wrong Question.

Don’t decide how long you’re going to wait. Decide this instead.

Recently, a woman I’ll call Bobby asked me for advice. She’d met a man where the connection was unusually strong—and mutual. They’d gone out a few times and now planned a weekend together.

Bobby was excited. Very excited.

And that’s exactly why she was concerned.

She saw real potential and didn’t want sex to accelerate her attachment before they’d built trust and learned whether they wanted the same things.

So she asked how long she should wait.

My answer?

Don’t set a time. Set a standard.

You want your knowledge of someone to have time to catch up with your attraction to them.

Attraction can be very fast. Knowledge isn’t. You can know within minutes that someone is smart, funny, sexy, and wildly appealing. It takes longer to know whether they’re honest, kind, emotionally available, reliable, and share your relationship goals.

Sex doesn’t tell you those things. But it can deepen attachment before you discover you’re not a match.

That’s why I don’t advise clients to use an arbitrary number of dates or months. Three dates don’t magically produce knowledge. Neither do three months if you’ve avoided the conversations and experiences that tell you whether this one is Your One.

Instead, establish milestones.

My recommendation is to wait until you’ve established genuine compatibility; you’re mutually in love; you’ve mutually agreed to exclusivity; and you’ve both had STI testing.

And be warm and clear about it:

“I really like you, and I’m excited about the possibilities. I date a little differently than most, though. It’s pretty normal to get excited, get in bed, and only much later find out whether there’s alignment. For me, sex waits until a good match and I know we’re truly compatible, we’ve agreed to exclusivity, we’re in love, and we’ve had STI tests. That doesn’t mean no kissing! I want to enjoy every move along the path while the emotional relationship and physical safety develop.”

Then let them respond.

Because their response is information.

Warmth, respect, continued affection, no negotiation? That’s information.

Teasing your boundary? Bargaining? Sulking? Agreeing, then repeatedly testing it?

That’s information too.

Does waiting mean suppressing the physical connection?

No, but it does mean savoring.

Kiss. Hold hands. Flirt. Enjoy the attraction! Give yourself enough time to discover whether the connection deserves to deepen.

So don’t ask, “How long should I wait?”

Ask: What do I need to know before sex is the right next step for me?

Because the goal isn’t to keep someone waiting.

It’s to keep your knowledge from falling too far behind your heart.

If you’re over 50 and want a step-by-step process for finding and choosing the right partner—without settling or falling back into old patterns—I created a free 15-minute training:

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Why Did Her Intuition Have To Yell?

When Intuition Speaks

A client texted me something fascinating today. A second friend of hers had just called off her wedding.

Both women had previously been divorced after discovering that their husbands had cheated on them. Later, both fell in love again and got engaged. And in both cases, after saying Yes to the dress, something happened:

Their bodies screamed, “HELL NO.”

My client asked me: Are you seeing this too? Or is it just a coincidence that two of my girlfriends have done this?

My answer? Yes. I’m seeing it.

I’ve worked with women who seemed able to keep moving forward in a relationship—right up until the moment they agreed to marry the person. Then suddenly there was anxiety. Sleeplessness. Dread. Sometimes physical symptoms. A powerful feeling of I cannot do this.

First, I want to say something important about people who call off engagements: That takes guts—in more ways than one. It is hard enough to leave a relationship you’re unsure about. It’s much harder when you’ve announced your intention to marry, your families know, people are celebrating you, and maybe there’s a ring on your finger, a venue booked, money spent, and a date on the calendar.

At that point, staying can feel easier than admitting: I made a mistake. So I have tremendous respect for people who stop instead of staying and wasting more time on a relationship that will not work out.

Because here’s a science-backed truth: Intuition is real, and it can contain information worth listening to. What we call a “gut feeling” can arise before our conscious mind has put into words all the cues and patterns we’ve noticed.

And when I’ve asked clients, Has your intuition ever told you to leave, and you stayed, and your intuition turned out to be wrong? the answer has always been No.

But only 100% of the time. :)

But there’s another part of this that fascinates me: Why did the No become unmistakable only after their intuition screamed at them—not before?

Intuition is evolutionary, my dear Watson. It can help us make rapid judgments when something feels threatening, sometimes before we can consciously explain what we’re noticing. So if you’ve ever had that feeling that you were near a stranger who would hurt you if they could, your intuition may have been picking up information before your conscious mind could explain what was setting off the alarm.

Another place intuition can become particularly useful is where we have deep experience. We recognize patterns—sometimes before we can articulate exactly what we’ve recognized. And these two women had experience: They hadn’t just been divorced. They’d been divorced from men who had lied to them for years and years about the affairs they were having.

Here’s the thing: It’s only human to want a love relationship to work. It’s only human to turn a deaf ear when intuition whispers and love is jumping up and down, especially after being so hurt before.

When it’s not about an immediate threat, intuition usually whispers before it speaks, and speaks before it yells.

So when it comes to dating—an area where many of us at 50+ have some experience—we probably have noticed things. Maybe we haven’t consciously assembled them yet: an inconsistency here, a value conflict there, something about the way conflict gets handled, a need we keep minimizing, a future we don’t really want, or a part of ourselves we’ve had to make smaller to keep the relationship working.

Individually, we may explain each thing away. But the closer we get to Forever, the more insistent our intuition can become.

For some, an engagement changes the question. Before, the question was: Do I want to keep dating this person? Now it’s: Do I want this to be my life?

And suddenly all those little pieces of information, all those small whispers that were easier to dismiss, have somewhere to land.

The whisper becomes a shout: HELL NO.

If that happens to you, please don’t ignore it. But I want something even better for you: I want you to become skilled enough at choosing that you can hear and confidently heed your intuition when it’s at whisper-level.

Because very often, it is possible to discern a serious mismatch much earlier—before the engagement, before years of investment. In my experience, many serious mismatches can be identified before the third date, or even sooner—if you know what you’re looking for.

That doesn’t mean dating without emotion. It means learning to combine emotion with information, attraction with alignment, intuition with observation, and hope with the willingness to see what’s actually in front of you.

The goal isn’t to become so analytical that you never make a mistake in love. Nobody can promise you that. The goal is to become better at noticing the whispers—so you don’t have to wait for the scream.

If you want to get better at knowing who’s right for you—and recognizing important mismatches before you’ve invested years in the wrong relationship—I created a free 15-minute training for successful singles over 50.

You can watch it here:

coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

Photo by Eric Soubeyrand de Saint Prix on Unsplash

You Need a Good Listening To

Men, I’m going to tell you something that could upgrade your dating life, and possibly your entire life.

Ask more questions. Then really listen to the answers.

In more than 30 years as a dating coach, I cannot remember even one straight man complaining to me that women don’t ask him questions or listen to what he has to say.

Not one.

Women? Nearly every straight woman I’ve coached has made some version of that complaint about men. In fact, it may be the single most common reason women in my practice give for deciding not to put any more energy into a new connection:

“He didn’t ask me any questions. He just talked about himself.”

Sometimes that means no second date, or no second call, or even no call at all, as in: he didn’t ask questions online.

But before anyone concludes that men are inherently self-centered or simply don’t care what women have to say, I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

I think a lot of men are hungry for someone to listen to them.

Many straight men simply don’t have enough people in their lives with whom they regularly have meaningful, emotionally engaged conversations. For some, a romantic partner is the only person who has ever consistently filled that role. And now, these guys are single and starved for a good listening-to. 

Women tend to have more practice. They talk extensively with friends—often other women. From very early in life, girls are also given much more practice noticing other people’s feelings, asking questions, listening carefully, and responding in ways that show they’ve understood.

So put a man who’s been longing for somebody to really talk to across the table from an attractive woman who’s been practicing attentive conversation most of her life, and something understandable can happen.

He talks…and talks.

And she listens and asks questions.

He walks away thinking:

“Wow. What a fantastic conversation! We really connected.”

She walks away thinking:

“He doesn’t know one thing about me.”

And in a nutshell, there’s the issue. Because many women don’t experience good conversational skills as merely good conversational skills. They experience them as evidence of good relationship skills:

Does this person notice me?

Is he curious about me?

Can he make room for my thoughts and feelings as well as his own?

Does he remember what I said?

If I tell him something important, does he follow up?

Do I feel understood, cared about, and attended to when I’m with him?

Those are relationship questions.

They’re the listening version of holding the door open for her, and without it, the door to any further interaction swings shut. 

Which brings me to a former client I’ll call KC. At one point after we’d worked on this, he texted me:

“Duana, you have given me a superpower.”

His superpower?

It wasn’t a pickup line, or a clever way to impress women. It was learning to do three things well: 

*ask questions that showed genuine interest, 

*listen closely to the answers, and then 

*make comments or ask follow-up questions that kept the focus on the other person.

Simple? Yes.

Easy, if you’ve spent decades communicating differently? Not necessarily.

Powerful? KC certainly thought so.

And it didn’t just help him with women. He began noticing the difference it made with people throughout his life. Everything, from his work life to his life with friends to finding his life partner—all were majorly enhanced just by listening well instead of listening until he could get to telling his own story.

So, men, here’s an experiment I’d like you to try: 

On your next online exchange, or call, or date, don’t concentrate on being interesting.

Instead, get interested.

Ask her something you genuinely want to know. Listen to the answer without preparing the story you’re going to tell next. Notice something she says and follow it:

“What was that like for you?”

“How did you get interested in that?”

“You mentioned your daughter earlier—how is she doing now?”

The more you stop worrying about whether you’re interesting enough and start discovering what is interesting about her, the more interesting you’ll become. 

Because the people we remember aren’t always the people who impressed us most. They’re very often the people who made us feel:

You see me.
You hear me.
You want to know me.

And isn’t that what most of us are looking for in love?

If you’re over 50 and want to get better at recognizing—and becoming—the kind of partner who can create lasting love, I’ve created a free 15-minute training to help you think differently about finding and choosing the right person.

You can watch it here:
coaching.lovesciencemedia.com/freebie

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