Stepmarriages: Keeping love alive when they’re somebody else’s kids

Dear Duana,

I love my wife, but there’s trouble in paradise. We’re each other’s second spouse, we’ve been married two years, and we often argue over disciplining her kids, a girl now 10 and a boy now age 14. When either of them misbehaves, Anna sides with the kids in front of me. The older one in particular has learned I’ve got zero traction, and his disrespectful behavior towards both of us is worsening, plus I feel I come last in Anna’s affections and priorities. I don’t want to give up on the kids or the marriage, but living with brats who’ve got their mom’s backing is not an option. Any advice or insight is welcome.

Scott

Dear Scott,

Just two years into a stepmarriage, most men are no longer supervising, disciplining or interacting much at all with the stepkids. They give up, and it’s easy to see why. In a situation where no Genes are shared, where there was no kid-free time as you established the marriage, where the law is allowing you plenty of responsibilities but very few privileges, where your wife is resisting your co-parenting efforts, and where the kids themselves are opposing your attempts to even get close, nevermind enforce discipline—well, it’s a wonder so many stepdads even try at all.

Yet you are trying, and I applaud you for it. Withdrawal is a huge predictor of divorce in any marriage, and second marriages with stepkids are significantly more fragile; the divorce risk is literally 50% higher than for firsts.

Which means your marriage needs extra TLC. Here’s what to avoid—and what to do instead.

 Don’t Mess With The Cavemom

Just like yours, Anna’s evolved psychology comes from an ancient time that continues directing her today. When Anna gave birth, she had something no man ever had ‘til the invention of paternity tests: 100% certainty that The Kids Are Hers. Also unlike guys, Anna can only put her eggs in very few rather expensive baskets. Twice now, she’s invested 9 months in a pregnancy, risked childbirth, and then logged another year or so in frequent feedings-burpings-diaperings-havingthekidattachedlikeVelcro^tm. And then the little varmints wanted to pull everything down on their tiny craniums as toddlerhood arrived.

So from Genetic and Parental Investment standpoints, women are all about their kids’ survival and safety. Even in procreative unions, Dad loves Mom above all others—but Mom loves the kids the most. You know the saying “men love women, women love children, children love hamsters”? Lotta truth there.

Then throw this in: You and Anna aren’t the bio-pair, and to her evolved psychology, you represent a threat to the most precious resource she has. Historically and world-wide today, the #1 danger a woman’s children face is The Wrong Stepdad.

Simply put, just about everyone has a psychological mechanism to invest more in our own Genetic offspring than in someone else’s. Would-be biodads who suspect the kids aren’t theirs often abuse their mate and children; men who *know* the kids aren’t their Genetic progeny—stepdads—are between 40-100x more likely than biodads to murder or severely abuse the kids. Even in peaceful Canada, stepkids are at a 65x greater risk of being killed by a stepfather than are biokids by biodads.

Upshot? Independent of what a good man you are, Anna’s Genes are telling her to protect the kids from…you. Expecting Anna to step aside and let you do the disciplining isn’t going to resolve issues~it’s going to create them.

Instead: Catch The Kids Doing Something Right

The way to a mother’s heart is through her children. If you get nothing else from this article, make it that. The straight path to happiness in your home is in your hands. Praise the kids for what they do right, and show them affection and love. You may or may not feel the love; show it anyway. And you may or may not melt the kids’ hearts, but you *will* win your wife’s.

Bonus: You’ll reduce Anna’s DEFCON 4 status, and the kids will give you more respect when they feel accepted and appreciated.

Instead: Discipline Behind The Scenes

That said, you needn’t brook bad behavior; you just need a disciplinary style that puts Anna in the foreground. Try this:

—Broach the trouble issue with Anna when the kids aren’t in the room.

—Ask what she thinks should be done. Remind yourself that she is the bioparent and that her say matters immensely if you want to be happy.

—Make suggestions rather than demands.

—Ask Anna to do the actual disciplining; offer to be her back-up.

—Complain, don’t criticize. As with any complaint, it’s important to be specific, use “I” language, and avoid name-calling or slurs against anyone’s character, including (especially?) her kids’.

For example, you could say, “I asked Bob to clean up after himself in the garage today, and he rolled his eyes and didn’t budge. I didn’t react, because I wanted your input. What would you suggest doing about this? I think he would respond better to you, and I’ll back up your decision.”

You may think that sounds wussy. But to the Cavemom…it’s sexxxy.

Don’t Compete For Your Wife’s Attention

Here’s what most guys do when their biological kids are born: compete for the biomom. And here’s what most stepdads do when they cease involvement with the stepkids: compete for the biomom.

The results are ugly. We know 2/3 of bioparents are permanently less happy following the birth of their own kids, largely due to this dynamic. How much truer this is when Stepdad is the interloper! It just makes her less Into you, angrier, more distant, and a lot less prone to nookie. It’s a boomerang you never want back.

Instead: Set Up Dates…Between Anna & The Kids

If Mom resents Stepdad’s attempts to have her all to himself, the solution is clear: Encourage your wife to spend alone time with the kids. You could suggest that they go out for ice cream weekly, or that they spend time taking a walk together each evening. You could just get out of the way for an hour or so each week, saying, “I know it’s important for you all to keep having some alone time with each other.”

(LoveScientist pauses here, fans self, waits for excitement to pass…)

And while you’re at it, plan dates for just you and Anna.

Scott, will replacing the ineffective behaviors with the Insteads improve your lovelife? Yes. But it won’t be a total fix. Every relationship has unsolvable, perpetual problems. If you were in a different marriage, the problems would be different but they’d still be ongoing. Yet relationships are Worth It.

So my last advice to you is this: Accept that some things just don’t change much. Do you love this woman? Then feed that and not your resentment, however justifiable. Choose her. Do it every day. You’ll not only beat the odds, you’ll catch yourself being happy again.

Cheers,

Duana

This article is dedicated to my husband Vic, who makes a great stepdad, and to my Julia, who welcomed two dads into her young life.

Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011, 2013.  Today’s article is a re-print, as Duana is on vacation.  LoveScience will return with brand-new articles soon!

Related LoveScience articles:

Men’s emotional withdrawal and its devastating effect on the marriage

Why 2/3 of marriages worsen even if the kids are Genetically theirs, and what to do about it

How to complain rather than criticize

How to Be Happy Anyway, even if your relationship problems can’t all be solved

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

Martin Daly and Margo Wilson’s research on child abuse, Genetic relatedness, and intergenerational conflict was vital to the preparation of this article. The Canadian research on child murder rates is theirs. They are evolutionary psychologists extraordinaire.

David Buss literally wrote the textbook on Evolutionary Psychology. Many other books summarize the inherited psychology behind parental investment and Gene perpetuation and why men and women respond differently to many scenarios. None do it so well as Buss.

The Center For Law And Social Policy’s Snapshot of Stepfamilies was important for detailed descriptions of the most common kinds of stepfamilies and how various members within the families behave and adjust. Many statistics on stepfamilies are found there as well.

The U.S. Bureau of the Census yielded many statistics on the numbers of stepfamilies and the percentages of divorces in first, second and third marriages.

John C. Cavanaugh and Fredda Blanchard-Fields’ discussion of stepfamilies in their textbook Adult Development & Aging was among the more well-informed and insightful overviews of the research.

You can learn a lot more about stepfamilies and stepmarriages at The National Stepfamily Resource Center, a research-based site linking you to resources and information for having happy, lasting remarriages and stepfamilies.

Comments

[Jackie]

How would your advice differ if both members of the couple have children, but the wife has problems with how the dad parents his (older) bio-kid(s). I also realize that children are individuals, but how would you address different tolerances or "house rules." Is it fair for one set of bio-kid(s) to know that the other set can get away with more, or can pitch in around the house less?

[stepmom2]

Being a step parent is one of the hardest things for a person to become. I have 2 bio children and my husband has 2 bio children and we had 1 together. We both have to work at being great parents to all the children equally. It is hard and it comes with great sacrifice, but also great reward. Step children will always try and get away with whatever they can with the step parent. The one thing I can't stand is to be told, "but dad said I can". The number one advice I can give is for You and your wife to get on the same Team... I learned very quickly that if the kids see us arguing over them, they gain power quickly. Me and my husband still work on this everyday. But we have to put the kids aside and remember it is US against THEM. And if they see that WE are a team and what one says the other is going to agree on, then they will be less willing to push the envelope. I agree with Dr. Welch. You have to decide how important the relationship is to you. I also had to make that decision when I started to date a man with 2 kids of his own. Did I love him enough to love his kids? And they weren't easy to love. Huge brats...spoiled rotten... But I decided that it was worth it. And once we decided to get on the same team and make the necessary changes, things started falling into place. We still work with the kids daily, and we have to remember that step parent is only a tittle and once you get out of that frame of mind, loving them like they were yours will be so much easier. I don't know how long she was single before you two got married, but remember that it was just the three of them before you came into the picture. And she may have formed habbits and a way to deal with her kids that worked for the three of them. What will be important is that she be open to evaluating the current living situation and hopefully see that what worked before with just the three of them doesn't really work now that she has added a husband to the equation. Hang in there.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear Stepmom2 and Jackie,

Thank you so much for your letters. Stepmom2, your advice to Jackie and other stepparents is spot-on: Becoming a Team is essential. That's actually true in research on all marriages. Having a sense of We that is stronger than the sense of Me is critical to a marriage's success. Add kids --especially *other* people's?--to the mix? And that becomes doubly true. Abe Lincoln knew a house divided cannot stand; marriage researchers confirm that.

Jackie, I love your questions: "how would you address different tolerances or "house rules." Is it fair for one set of bio-kid(s) to know that the other set can get away with more, or can pitch in around the house less?"

As I suspect you realize already, No, it is not fair for the rules to differ under your roof.

Kids usually adjust quickly to the fact that the rules will likely be different at their now-divorced parents' separate homes. Dad and his new family will have one set of rules; Mom and her family will have a sometimes quite different set of expectations.

BUT under your roof--the one their bio-dad, stepmom, and sibs share--there needs to be a consistent set of rules for everyone. Yes, as kids get older, they get more privileges and in that sense the rules can differ. But beyond that logical age-based distinction, there should be consistent expectations at your house, regardless of whose kids are whose. To do otherwise is to have almost everyone, including or perhaps especially the adults, in battle and filled with resentment, when presumably you want a happy home.

Upshot? You and your husband need to get on the same Team. I recommend Gottman's "The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work" as the top research-backed book on the subject. It's fantastic. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/John-Gottman-Nan-Silver-Relationship/dp/B0084PUMY2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1368113188&sr=8-2&keywords=the+seven+principles+for+making+marriage+work

But wait! There's more! What if your husband just plain can't or won't get on your Team about this?

Then don't give up hope for peace in your lives. Instead, learn how to make peace in your own life whether or not he participates, and regardless of the kids' behavior. The book to get? Stepmonster: A new look at why real stepmothers think, feel, and act the way we do. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/0618758194/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368113222&sr=1-1&keywords=stepmonster+by+wednesday+martin

Jackie, this is un-missable. It's a research-based look at the basic conflicts that play out for the wife in a stepmarriage where you're interacting with your husband's kids. It turns out some kinds of stepfamilies have a lot more peace than others~and you can get a lot of peace for yourself and your own kids even if your husband and his kids think they're not going along with that.

Did you know there are some kinds of ex-wives who are much likelier to create problems in your new marriage (and with her kids in your house) than others? Yes. And that you can and should establish boundaries for your own benefit now--with your husband and his children. Very Yes. Get the book. I'll bet it's some of the best money you've ever spent. And as a stepmom myself, I'll tell you: It was downright liberating and validating for me!

Go for it.