Q&A from "Separate Beds, Separate Sex Lives?"
Wise Readers, does sleeping apart really lessen sex? Our readers think so. Here’s how they fixed their sleep problems, and got back into bed with their mates.
Read on!
From Mouse: —What if sleeping separately isn’t caused by snoring?—
What about times when it’s caused by more than just snoring? I move in my sleep a lot, and my husband is an extremely light sleeper (a small sneeze from me will send him into 100% awake mode, never mind what me accidentally bumping into him in the middle of the night would do). When we shared a bed either i would stay up trying to not move as much, or he would be woken up constantly, oftentimes both scenarios would play out in one night. Either way, little to no good sleep was to be has between the both of us. Are we doomed? We try and spend time snuggling on the couch, and attempt to recreate the other intimate parts of bed sharing, but I must admit it does happen far less than expected.
Duana’s response:
Dear Mouse,
Good sleep is so needed; I see why you and your mate aren’t sharing the bed all night long. But it sounds like you’d like to return to a way to sleep together, and that you’ve noticed a drop-off in sex when you’re not bed-sharing, just as in last week’s article.
I’m assuming you’ve already tried things like putting pillows between you in the bed (so that when you move, he doesn’t feel it). Fact is, most folks aren’t able to resolve their sleep issues on their own. You could have restless leg syndrome; he could have a neurological issue that is preventing deep sleep. And without a sleep study, you probably won’t know, or be in a good position to address the problem.
[By the way, there are non-apnea, non-snoring issues that make it hard to co-sleep, such as post-traumatic stress syndrome. Even then, if possible, finding the correct treatment under expert guidance is advised, rather than leaving your shared bed. But if you just cannot sleep together, the sleep is most important and you may find separate beds saving your joint sanity.]
Upshot? I doubt you’re doomed ;). But I agree with the sentiment that things could be better, and I’d still recommend a sleep study—for both of you, since your husband awakens so easily—, in case it unearths something neither of you is noticing.
Best of luck, and thank you for writing!
From Joan: —Fix the problem, don’t leave the bed—
I agree it’s essential to fix whatever the problem is and get back in the same bed!
We are both snorers (or so I am told) and having my husband sleep in the guest room was making us feel like college roommates! The problem was mostly my snoring (or so I am told), and although I’ve never heard myself and still don’t entirely believe I snore (:-))), I felt exhausted day after day.
The solution for me was going to an acupuncturist (thankfully covered by my health plan) who is working on my sinus issues. Not saying that will work for everyone, but my area of the country is known for its high pollen count and addressing that has helped me sleep more soundly and less loudly (or so I am told) and I do feel better. Also, I walk, do yoga, and take nutritional supplements and Chinese herbs to keep my general health and hormone levels in check.
For us, being together in the marriage bed is hugely symbolic and we found that no amount of effort toward contact during the day (even though we both work at home = lots of opportunity!) could replace physically sleeping together at night. Connecting during the day sounds good, but does it really happen? Not for us, and I was too tired and cranky to make efforts anyway.
So I agree the best answer is to identify and fix the sleep problem as far as possible (not cover it up with white noise, beeswax earplugs, thoughts of mid-day trysts that probably won’t happen, etc.) so that one partner doesn’t start resenting the other for being kicked out of bed, and they can sleep together healthily ever after ….together. Great article!
From Vincent: —I fixed the problem and my wife is back in our bed—
Definitely something that needs to be fixed. I am told I am the snorer and a sleep study confirmed I have mild to moderate sleep apnea. If my wife leaves to another room, I get sad and lonely, so I needed to take corrective action. I am trying a dental device that was fortunately covered by my insurance. So far it seems to be working, although I need to realign my jaw in the morning. I do not like being tied to a machine so this was my best alternative.
As far as restless legs are concerned, I had that with my kids when they were young and wanted to sleep with us. Fortunately, it wasn’t both at once, since I needed to rest my leg on them so they would not kick. Needless to say, they don’t sleep with us anymore. :-)
Duana’s response:
Joan, Vincent, great hearing from you, and thank you for sharing your success stories.
You both reminded me of something I read in researching the snoring article: Snorers frequently make light of the issue and try to avoid sleep studies or finding a solution. You each decided to take the issue seriously, and find a solution. And you’re both happier with the intimacy that resulted—not just the sexual intimacy, but everything else that goes along with being in bed with one’s beloved.
Thank you for sharing.
Cheers,
Duana
Today’s Q&A is based off the article Separate Beds, Separate Sex Lives? You can find it here:
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.
If you have a question for Duana, write her for your free and confidential response at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
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