Dear Duana,
I love my wife, but there’s trouble in paradise. We’re each other’s second spouse, we’ve been married two years, and we often argue over disciplining her kids, a girl now 10 and a boy now age 14. When either of them misbehaves, Anna sides with the kids in front of me. The older one in particular has learned I’ve got zero traction, and his disrespectful behavior towards both of us is worsening, plus I feel I come last in Anna’s affections and priorities. I don’t want to give up on the kids or the marriage, but living with brats who’ve got their mom’s backing is not an option. Any advice or insight is welcome.
Scott
Dear Scott,
Just two years into a stepmarriage, most men are no longer supervising, disciplining or interacting much at all with the stepkids. They give up, and it’s easy to see why. In a situation where no Genes are shared, where there was no kid-free time as you established the marriage, where the law is allowing you plenty of responsibilities but very few privileges, where your wife is resisting your co-parenting efforts, and where the kids themselves are opposing your attempts to even get close, nevermind enforce discipline—well, it’s a wonder so many stepdads even try at all.
Yet you are trying, and I applaud you for it. Withdrawal is a huge predictor of divorce in any marriage, and second marriages with stepkids are significantly more fragile; the divorce risk is literally 50% higher than for firsts.
Which means your marriage needs extra TLC. Here’s what to avoid—and what to do instead.
Don’t Mess With The Cavemom
Just like yours, Anna’s evolved psychology comes from an ancient time that continues directing her today. When Anna gave birth, she had something no man ever had ‘til the invention of paternity tests: 100% certainty that The Kids Are Hers. Also unlike guys, Anna can only put her eggs in very few rather expensive baskets. Twice now, she’s invested 9 months in a pregnancy, risked childbirth, and then logged another year or so in frequent feedings-burpings-diaperings-havingthekidattachedlikeVelcrotm. And then the little varmints wanted to pull everything down on their tiny craniums as toddlerhood arrived.
So from Genetic and Parental Investment standpoints, women are all about their kids’ survival and safety. Even in procreative unions, Dad loves Mom above all others—but Mom loves the kids the most. You know the saying “men love women, women love children, children love hamsters”? Lotta truth there.
Then throw this in: You and Anna aren’t the bio-pair, and to her evolved psychology, you represent a threat to the most precious resource she has. Historically and world-wide today, the #1 danger a woman’s children face is The Wrong Stepdad.
Simply put, just about everyone has a psychological mechanism to invest more in our own Genetic offspring than in someone else’s. Would-be biodads who suspect the kids aren’t theirs often abuse their mate and children; men who *know* the kids aren’t their Genetic progeny—stepdads—are between 40-100x more likely than biodads to murder or severely abuse the kids. Even in peaceful Canada, stepkids are at a 65x greater risk of being killed by a stepfather than are biokids by biodads.
Upshot? Independent of what a good man you are, Anna’s Genes are telling her to protect the kids from…you. Expecting Anna to step aside and let you do the disciplining isn’t going to resolve issues~it’s going to create them.
Instead: Catch The Kids Doing Something Right
The way to a mother’s heart is through her children. If you get nothing else from this article, make it that. The straight path to happiness in your home is in your hands. Praise the kids for what they do right, and show them affection and love. You may or may not feel the love; show it anyway. And you may or may not melt the kids’ hearts, but you *will* win your wife’s.
Bonus: You’ll reduce Anna’s DEFCON 4 status, and the kids will give you more respect when they feel accepted and appreciated.
Instead: Discipline Behind The Scenes
That said, you needn’t brook bad behavior; you just need a disciplinary style that puts Anna in the foreground. Try this:
—Broach the trouble issue with Anna when the kids aren’t in the room.
—Ask what she thinks should be done. Remind yourself that she is the bioparent and that her say matters immensely if you want to be happy.
—Make suggestions rather than demands.
—Ask Anna to do the actual disciplining; offer to be her back-up.
—Complain, don’t criticize. As with any complaint, it’s important to be specific, use “I” language, and avoid name-calling or slurs against anyone’s character, including (especially?) her kids’.
For example, you could say, “I asked Bob to clean up after himself in the garage today, and he rolled his eyes and didn’t budge. I didn’t react, because I wanted your input. What would you suggest doing about this? I think he would respond better to you, and I’ll back up your decision.”
You may think that sounds wussy. But to the Cavemom…it’s sexxxy.
Don’t Compete For Your Wife’s Attention
Here’s what most guys do when their biological kids are born: compete for the biomom. And here’s what most stepdads do when they cease involvement with the stepkids: compete for the biomom.
The results are ugly. We know 2/3 of bioparents are permanently less happy following the birth of their own kids, largely due to this dynamic. How much truer this is when Stepdad is the interloper! It just makes her less Into you, angrier, more distant, and a lot less prone to nookie. It’s a boomerang you never want back.
Instead: Set Up Dates…Between Anna & The Kids
If Mom resents Stepdad’s attempts to have her all to himself, the solution is clear: Encourage your wife to spend alone time with the kids. You could suggest that they go out for ice cream weekly, or that they spend time taking a walk together each evening. You could just get out of the way for an hour or so each week, saying, “I know it’s important for you all to keep having some alone time with each other.”
(LoveScientist pauses here, fans self, waits for excitement to pass…)
And while you’re at it, plan dates for just you and Anna.
Scott, will replacing the ineffective behaviors with the Insteads improve your lovelife? Yes. But it won’t be a total fix. Every relationship has unsolvable, perpetual problems. If you were in a different marriage, the problems would be different but they’d still be ongoing. Yet relationships are Worth It.
So my last advice to you is this: Accept that some things just don’t change much. Do you love this woman? Then feed that and not your resentment, however justifiable. Choose her. Do it every day. You’ll not only beat the odds, you’ll catch yourself being happy again.
Cheers,
Duana
This article is dedicated to my husband Vic, who makes a great stepdad, and to my Julia, who welcomed two dads into her young life.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011, 2013. Today’s article is a re-print, as Duana is on vacation. LoveScience will return with brand-new articles soon!
Related LoveScience articles:
Men’s emotional withdrawal and its devastating effect on the marriage
Why 2/3 of marriages worsen even if the kids are Genetically theirs, and what to do about it
How to complain rather than criticize
How to Be Happy Anyway, even if your relationship problems can’t all be solved
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Martin Daly and Margo Wilson’s research on child abuse, Genetic relatedness, and intergenerational conflict was vital to the preparation of this article. The Canadian research on child murder rates is theirs. They are evolutionary psychologists extraordinaire.
David Buss literally wrote the textbook on Evolutionary Psychology. Many other books summarize the inherited psychology behind parental investment and Gene perpetuation and why men and women respond differently to many scenarios. None do it so well as Buss.
The Center For Law And Social Policy’s Snapshot of Stepfamilies was important for detailed descriptions of the most common kinds of stepfamilies and how various members within the families behave and adjust. Many statistics on stepfamilies are found there as well.
The U.S. Bureau of the Census yielded many statistics on the numbers of stepfamilies and the percentages of divorces in first, second and third marriages.
John C. Cavanaugh and Fredda Blanchard-Fields’ discussion of stepfamilies in their textbook Adult Development & Aging was among the more well-informed and insightful overviews of the research.
You can learn a lot more about stepfamilies and stepmarriages at The National Stepfamily Resource Center, a research-based site linking you to resources and information for having happy, lasting remarriages and stepfamilies.