Q&A from "How Big A Ring?"

Wise Readers, what’s the most creative way you can dream up to solve The Ring problem(s)—problems such as dealing with other people’s reactions to the absence of a Ring, figuring out whether or not to surprise the bride-to-be with a Ring at the proposal, or dealing with one’s own feelings about what/when to buy? 

Read on!

All of these comments relate to the original post, How Big A Ring, at this link: 

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-big-a-ring-qa-from-wedding-date.html

From Rob:   —Ring Size Can Be Dealt With After The Wedding—

Honestly the ring size shouldn’t matter at this time… I know you want to impress your future bride with the biggest ring you can find but give it time… Because you can always buy or add to the current band at a later time. Good luck with your decision and congrats…

From JoAnna: —Something Old > Something New—

This is interesting to me, because my S/O and I are in the same situation as Heath [from the article here], but I came up with the idea that instead of having my boyfriend go out and buy an entirely new ring (which, at any size seemed like too much $$ for something that wasn’t exactly what I wanted), I would re-use stones from relatives that had willed their jewelry to me. So, we agreed that he would buy a semi-setting and I would provide the main stones from my family collection and this would be a less expensive for us. I have never wanted a big, fancy ring, but rather a ring that has a special meaning. Something new is always nice, but something “borrowed” (IMO) is always better (and cheaper)!

From S.A.:  —Dealing With Other People’s Reactions—

I am not materialistic and do not like most jewelry, yet even I felt the need to have a ring that was appropriate for my social group. Not the biggest, mind you, definitely not the flashiest, but to not wear the badge of being joined to a generous and committed man was painful. You see, we chose to not buy a ring for financial reasons, and I went through a year of marriage a bit naked. And I have to say I was judged. You can speak all you want of those who judge not being “worthy friends”, but I have to disagree. It seems that they’re not viewing the relationship that differently than a woman does when evaluating the way a potential mate treats her while dating. So now you have friends judging your mate as “less than”, and your choice as the woman is to bring it up and announce you didn’t want one (or wanted something “simple” - or whatever - which is likely to be viewed as spin anyway), or just know in your heart it was a choice, and have to live with the knowledge that your spouse, and thus your marriage, is being viewed in a not-so-flattering manner. “Simple” and cheap are two very different things, and it is pretty evident which you’ve got.

Duana’s responses:

Dear Rob,

Exactly!

Dear JoAnna,

I love your solution! People can be very creative about The Ring.

Dear S. A.,

I am sorry some of your friends have behaved as if they viewed your mate as ‘less than’. It’s interesting. Perhaps this has to do with the values in different parts of the nation/world. I have never for an instant felt that my husband or marriage have been judged based on my ring (a plain white-gold band with small diamonds set flush into it). Maybe I am just oblivious. One hears about the “three-table ring”—as in, one that can be viewed from three dining tables’ distance. Apparently, this is expected in some parts of America today.

In general, the evidence throughout the USA currently indicates that couples are putting a big wedding and a big ring ahead of a marriage and a commitment, and that they will delay a marriage until they can get the big wedding and the big ring. Marriage is important and commitment is important—so sayeth the science, from the standpoints not only of health and longevity, but day-to-day happiness, sexual satisfaction, and wealth accumulation. Weddings and rings are important symbols of marriage and commitment…but they are not the things themselves. When the symbols become more important than what they symbolize, that is a social problem. Yet that is what is occurring.

I am glad you chose to honor the reality rather than the symbols, and glad you eventually obtained the symbols as well.

S.A.’s response:  

I’d like to point out that I was talking about a ring that made sense within your social circle. Your ring sounds lovely, and you also come across as someone who is not afraid to not conform. That would mean you could sport a plain band only, something with a colored or semi-precious stone, or even Celtic knots on silver and still look like loving attention had been lavished on you. But at some point, unless she’s already known for having alternative tastes, a lady can look to her peers like a walking advertisement for money difficulties or stinginess. To solve our problems, I had a family stone reset, and my husband’s brother had a ring designed to his fiancée’s taste, with a quality CZ set as the center stone until they could afford to replace it more than six years later when they were both done with their advanced degrees.

If I were a man, I would not want to marry a woman who could not reasonably discuss the financial impact of such a major purchase, and I’ve never understood the need to surprise her with a ring. Unless it’s a true heirloom that you are pretty darn sure will suit your beloved, why would you guess at what style suits her? You wouldn’t even think of bringing the wedding gown to the proposal because it’s such a personal purchase, and that’s a dress for only one day. The ring will hopefully last for generations to come and I think it should be a joint decision.

Duana’s response:

Hi, S.A.,

You’ve really made me think.  I’ve often said that marriage is important, weddings are not; commitment is important, rings are not.  Yet your earlier post is striking at a core truth from evolutionary psychology.  Not only the woman herself, but her family and friends, are indeed invested in the engagement signs that a husband (and often, his family) is going to take good care of her.  In many cultures, this does include a Ring and/or a lavish wedding. 

So I stand corrected.  Rings and weddings are important, symbolically.  Not as important as a solid commitment and a good marriage, but still—they’re considered prospective signposts pointing in that direction.  If a man could supply a Ring but refused because he was too cheap, for instance, that probably wouldn’t bode well. 

I really love your analogy of surprising a woman with a wedding dress being about as ‘fitting’ as surprising her with The Ring. Even more, I love your and your brother-in-law’s creativity regarding The Ring. Heirloom stones are precious in more ways than one (as JoAnna noted above), and the CZ that gets replaced later allows for enjoyment of beauty until the diamond can be bought. Thank you for these ideas!

Cheers,
Duana

Do you have a question or comment for Duana?  Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com. 

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.

Related LoveScience post: 

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-big-a-ring-qa-from-wedding-date.html