When The Married Aren't Making Love (Q&A from "SEX: Getting It, Losing It, Loving It")

Wise Readers,

When couples have less sex, is it because of their age—or their relationship’s?  Are couples having more sex now than in past decades—or less?  Single folks are having less sex than The Married and The Cohabiting…but why?  And what if you’re in a low/no-sex marriage?

Read on!

From 48 and holding:  —Frequency of sex with age is…?—

I would like to know the stats narrowed for the late 40’s, early 50’s group. How frequent is their “sensual genital contact”?

Duana’s response:   —Look at the age of the relationship, not only the ages of the people in it—

Dear 48 and holding,

Great question. In our survey, as in the scientific ones, as people got older, their ‘sensual genital contact’ usually was less than among the younger. Indeed it’s very well-known in scientific studies that sexual behavior declines with age for most folks. But there are some interesting trends towards more sexual behavior than there used to be. So let’s look at much larger data sets than ours, since our numbers are too small and our methods too non-representative for meaningful conclusions.

In Alfred Kinsey’s and others’ research of the 1940s (published in “Sexual behavior in the human male”), the frequency of sexual intercourse dropped with each decade. For marrieds under age 25, the frequency averaged 2.45 times a week; for those age 26-35, it was 1.95 times a week; for those age 36 to 45, it was 1.4 times a week; for the 46-55-year-olds, frequency was .85 times a week; and for those age 55-60, it was .50 times a week.

Kind of makes one wonder what half a time looks like. But I digress.

In 1970, Westoff got similar results, but only examined frequency from ages 20 to 44. Things have changed somewhat since 1970, though. In 2003, Smith and others found that the young were having slightly less sex than found in earlier studies, while those in their 40s and 50s were having more than earlier studies had reported. To wit, in Smith’s research, 18-29-year-olds were having ‘marital coitus’ about 2.1 times weekly; 30-39-year-olds were getting it on 1.7 times a week; 40-49-year-olds, 1.4 times weekly; 50-59-year-olds, 1 time a week (double what Kinsey found); 60-69-year-olds .6 times weekly; and those age 70+, .3 times weekly.

What gives? Well, in part, there are a lot more people who are in *new* sexual relationships in their 40s and later now. For instance, today there are more folks in their 40s and beyond who have recently remarried, moved in together, or started a sexually monogamous relationship.

And the age of the relationship, not just of the folks in it, is a predictor of sexual frequency. To wit, in Stanley & Markman’s large 1990s study of the sexual behavior of over a thousand folks of various descriptions (married, single with a sexual partner, cohabiting), once they used stats to control for how long the *relationship* had lasted, there weren’t differences anymore between how often the married got it on in comparison to intercourse rates of the cohabiting. Most cohabiting relationships resolve in marriage or a break-up within months to a few years, so factoring in the relationship’s age turned out to be important. (I should mention that the NHSLS—Laumann’s famous sex study that was the basis for the Survey article— found that cohabitors were still having more sex than the married even when controlling for the age of the relationship. So not everyone agrees on this.)

Upshot? In a brand-new sexual relationship, people who are 48 and holding probably have a LOT of sex :). Maybe not more than those who are two decades younger would in identical circumstances. But probably a lot more than another 48-year-old whose marriage is age 22.

From Simply Kate: —Why are singletons having the least sex?—

Very interesting, Duana. I would have thought single people had the most sex. Why do you think they’re having less sex than married and cohabiting people?

Duana’s response:

Dear Simply Kate,

A lot of folks have the idea that singletons are having all the fun. Or most of it anyway. But none of the science agrees. So what’s going on?

The best synopsis I’ve read is in Waite & Gallagher’s “The Case For Marriage”, where they go into detail about the distinction between what singletons have to do to get sex, versus the options available to the cohabiting and married.

Think about what a heterosexual single man without a partner has to do to get sex: pay someone and/or pick someone up. Picking someone up might involve showering, shaving, driving somewhere, making lots of conversation with prospects, buying those prospects drinks, convincing one to go home with him (or let him go home with her) , and having sex. Even hiring someone requires effort.

Straight single women might not have to make as much effort—after all, at least one study finds that the easiest way for a woman to get sex with a new man is simply to ask for it—, but it’s still effort. The sex is not right there, on-tap and on request. New clothes, the application of makeup, going out somewhere, and the anxiety of wondering whether anyone will be intrigued can all be part of the picture.  There’s a song that comes to mind: I shaved my legs for this? 

Now think about those same people, but single with regular sexual partners they’re dating. It still takes effort. Even if they spend most nights together, there are separate residences, separate lives to some extent, time apart, and some degree of preparation and planning to be alone and naked.  Especially if there are children involved, as there often are, and the parent is appropriately keeping the romance separate from family life for a time. 

But the cohabiting and married just brush their teeth and ask, “How about it?” True, once kids come along, it may take more planning than that ;). But in general…

the Married and The Cohabiting are easy. At least to one another.

From 48 and holding:  —Solutions for a low-sex marriage?— 

Thank you for the answer. So if my wife and I (both late 40’s, married 14 years) haven’t had sex in many months, we are outside of the norm, correct? I was shocked to read that age 70+ has sex .3 times weekly. Math isn’t my thing, but that’s more than me. We love each other, we just don’t seem to have sex. Would you suggest marriage counseling for us?

Duana’s response:

Dear 48 and holding,

Although ultimately, what really matters isn’t how much sex others are having, but whether you and your wife are together in a way that satisfies both of you—yet it’s only natural to compare ourselves to ‘the norm’. The results I gave you are averages; there are couples who have sex much more, and much less, often than the published numbers, but in general, most couples your age are having more sex.

It sounds like maybe you’ve been unsettled for a while, and perhaps this article awakened a desire in you to do something about the desire between the two of you.

So if you are left dissatisfied with the amount or quality of sensual and sexual interaction with your wife, I agree that therapy could be a help—especially if there’s a possibility that the drop-off in sexual frequency is related to her/your unhappiness in the relationship itself.

If you’d like some guidance in selecting a great therapist, here are two articles that discuss how and why to choose a Gottman Method couples counselor:

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/got-therapy-your-questions-answered-about-parenting-sex-why.html

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-got-therapy.html

But what if the drop is because she just finds she isn’t interested in sex in general anymore? You didn’t say what the underlying issue is, but if her low desire is the matter—the most common sexual complaint for women—, here’s an article or two about that:

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/what-to-do-when-shes-not-ever-in-the-mood.html

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-what-to-do-when-shes-not-ever-in-the-mood.html

And what if the two of you just lost your groove and got out of the habit of making love? Maybe it’s time to reclaim sensuality without creating any pressure to perform for either of you. Here are two articles about sensate focus, a do-it-yourselves sex therapy that works (Please don’t be put off by the titles of these articles; they’re about the technique I’m recommending.):

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sos-save-our-sexlife-or-do-it-yourself-sex-therapy-when-your.html

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-save-our-sexlife-diy-sex-therapy-when-your-guy-has-ed.html

I wish you and your wife well as you reclaim your sexual connection. For many couples, reclaiming the physical union helps a lot with kindling the emotional union, and vice versa. I wish you both joy.

Cheers,

Duana

Do you have a question for Duana?  Email her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com.  You’ll get a free, confidential response, and if your letter is ever used on-site, it will be edited and changed to protect your identity. 

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.

Other Related LoveScience articles:

—The article today’s Q&A is based on is here, and it includes our Survey results:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-getting-it-losing-it-loving-it-with-results-from-the-lov.html

—Our LoveScience survey about quantity and quality of sex:http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/NCBDGPX

—The article that introduced that survey is here:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-your-sex-life-survey-quantity-quality.html

—Several other LoveScience articles have examined key differences and similarities in marriage and cohabitation, and they’re at this link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/cohabitation

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

Edward O. Laumann of The National Health & Social Life Survey (NHSLS), the gold standard for American sexuality self-report data.  Laumann used best-practice data collection to get a representative sample, meaning that every American adult had an equal shot at being given his survey.  He wound up with 3,500 responders in 1992 and this study is foundational for much of what is known about sexual expression, satisfaction, ideals, desires, and fantasies in the United States since Kinsey’s and Masters & Johnson’s time.  You can read complete results in the book The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, authored by Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels in 1994.  Or you can read excerpts here: http://books.google.com/books?id=3RbyuQAYsdMC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false

Other more recent research underscores that the married and cohabiting are having the most sex, much moreso than other kinds of singletons.  Examples would include this chapter by Marion C. Willetts and others (edited book chapter “Overview of Sexual Practices and Attitudes within Relational Contexts”; 2004), and T. W. Smith’s “Sexual Behavior In The United States” (2006). 

Scott Stanley & Howard Markman, who interviewed roughly 1,000 American adults about their sexual behavior, satisfaction, violence, and conflict.  Like the NHSLS, this research made use of random sampling, so every American adult had an equivalent chance of being surveyed.  When they examined length of relationship, the more-sex-among-cohabiters finding disappeared (unlike the finding in the NHSLS).  Like the NHSLS data that Waite and Joyner examined, this study showed that the more commitment partners felt, the more physically and emotionally satisfied they were with the sex they were having.  Their study was called “Marriage in the 90’s: A nationwide random phone survey” (1997).

Linda J. Waite & Maggie Gallagher, for summarizing the above research and much, much more in their book The Case For Marriage.  Waite is a giant in the sociology and marriage-versus-cohabiting field, and she and Kara Joyner conducted their own analyses using the NHSLS data, looking at the relationship between *quality* of sex as a function of the level of commitment.  Their in-depth analyses, described in the book and in their research, shows that perceived commitment level plays an enormous role in sexual pleasure, and that the married are usually those who have the highest levels of both. 

Cindy Meston & David Buss, for research on why women have sex and why men have sex.  Although women are equally likely to give an emotional reason, men, they found, are likelier than women to say they’ve had sex for other (such as physical) reasons. 

Want research about men finding that quantity of sex is more important than women think it is?  Here’s data from Julia R. Heiman and others, covering five countries (“Sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness in midlife and older couples in five countries”; 2011). 

Those wishing to view the myriad studies tying relationship quality to sexual satisfaction (above the impact of mere frequency of sex) can find it in Intimate Relationships, a textbook by Thomas Bradbury and Ben Karney.  Do better relationships lead to better sex?  Does better sex lead to better relationships?  In both cases, Yes. 

Those wishing to see an excellent table comparing data across six decades of research regarding how often married people have sex, by age, can find it on page 246 of Understanding Human Sexuality, 11^th Edition, by Janet Shibley Hyde & John D. Delamater. 

The best chart I could find comparing sexual satisfaction by age, gender, marital status, and race/ethnicity is on p. 443 of Human Sexuality In A World Of Diversity, 8^th Edition, edited by Spencer A. Rathus, Jeffrey S. Nevid, and Lois Fichner-Rathus.  Table 14.8 combines data from two of Laumann’s studies from the NHSLS to give a Big Picture showing that in general, even when singletons are in a sexual relationship, their satisfaction lags behind that of the married and cohabiters.  However, married men seemed to be most satisfied sexually, compared to men and women in any other kind of relationship; and cohabiting women appear to be more sexually satisfied than married women.