The Art Of Pursuit: How and why to chase Ms. Could Be Right

Dear Duana,  

Lanie and I had been out a few times when I saw her out with another guy.  I was angry but also more interested in her than ever, so I went out with some of my girlfriends where Lanie would see.  That backfired.  Now she’s pissed off at me, says I’m a player, and sends me angry text messages.  Before that, she’d invited me to spend a weekend with her family and was mad when I couldn’t go.  I have never felt this way about anyone before.  I don’t want to see anyone else.  If she’s at all interested, I want to make this work, but I can’t tell how she feels, and I don’t want to be a stalker.  I’m confused and need your direction badly. 

Kip

Dear Kip,

Sometimes, it seems like the difference between a stalker and a boyfriend is whether the woman wants the attention.  You want to respect Lanie’s wishes; but is she giving you the go ahead, or the go away? 

In general, women value attention in the form of Pursuit, because little says Provision and Protection like a man who will risk competition, confusion, and rejection to win fair maiden’s hand.  But this generality doesn’t tell us whether Lanie specifically wants you to Pursue her.  It’s up to her to clearly say she wants you, and then for you to Pursue…right?  Not so fast. 

The Double-Whammy:   

Whammy #1: When women give mixed signals of availability and interest early in courtship, it can test a man’s potential commitment *and* protect or elevate her status.  In multicultural research, men often lump sexually easy or obviously needy women into unappealing, low-status categories such as “nuts and sluts”, who are then seen as good enough to bed—not good enough to wed.  Thus, a woman who is interested in you might sometimes behave like one who isn’t: unavailable, merely friendly, or busy with other men.   

So if you’re waiting for absolute clarity before making another move, you could miss your chance.  Which means you need to Pursue Lanie regardless of her behavior…right?  Not so fast.

Whammy #2:  Today’s men tend to err on the side of Pursuit, sometimes misconstruing mere friendliness as sexual interest.  But unlike you, your ancient ancestors—from whence mating psychology is inherited—didn’t confront possible restraining orders and jail time.  Since human culture evolves more quickly than Genes, and most developed nations’ cultures have only recently begun protecting women against unwanted advances, your modern sensibilities rightly want to await greater clarity before giving this your all. 

The Art of Pursuit is this: Live with ambiguity and Pursue with wisdom.

So Kip, here’s what I recommend.  First, reduce your Stalker Risk Factor by stating your intentions and saying you’ll respect her refusal.  Send a card that says something like:  “Lanie, I wasn’t interested in those friends you saw me out with, I only want you.  I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and with your permission I want to prove it.  Starting today, I’m going to show you how special you are to me, and I’m going to keep it up unless you tell me to stop.  If you tell me to quit, I’ll respect your decision, and you won’t hear more from me.  But if not…get ready to get swept off your feet.  Kip”

Then, Pursue.  Unfortunately, if you’re American and in your 20s, you might not know what Pursuit and courtship look like; right now, national research finds that younger folks mostly just hook up and hang out in a situation that is even more maddeningly ambiguous than dating. 

So here are some Pursuit Protips, and I’ll bet Wise Readers can contribute some too:

—Send the above note on a card, along with flowers.  PDD’s (public displays of devotion) are usually a hit, so consider sending them where she will receive them in front of others whose opinion she values—such as work, school, or her parents’ house.    

—Call (don’t just text) every day.  Every day you don’t call is a day someone else might.

—Ask at least 48 hours in advance of any intended get-together.  If you want to see her on Saturday, invite her no later than Wednesday.   Asking a whole week in advance?  Even better.  Asking ahead shows that you respect her time and her, because you’re neither assuming she will drop everything for you, nor presuming she has no life outside of this brand-new relationship.  This also helps you earn her trust, and gives you the joy of anticipating time together. 

— This is courtship—time to bond through fun.  Don’t skip the fun.  Do skip the endless string of evenings hooking up and hanging out at your place or hers.  Pick a restaurant, a movie, a museum—whatever, just make sure you are taking her on dates rather than acting as if you’ve been married for a decade. 

—Pay for the outings.  Nothing says, “He either can’t provide, or he just plain won’t” like a guy who splits the check; it’s woman-repellant.  Blowing a fortune isn’t important.  Being generous within the context of what you offer is.    

—Send her cards via snail mail.  This takes more time, effort, and thought than email or texts, and that’s the point.    

—Show up with small gifts when you see her.  Roadside flowers, a piece of her favorite candy, a single candle, coffee in a mug you think she’d like~the cost is not the important thing here.  The thought is—big-time. 

What You’ll Get: Clarity.  And maybe…Lanie.

Most women only enjoy a man’s courtship if the woman truly likes the guy; we’re uncomfortable and guilty about having a guy do things for us otherwise.  So if you’re making the effort and Lanie’s happy to accept and happy to be with you, that’s usually a yes.  If you’re making effort and she’s pulling away more and more?  That’s a no.  And if you use the script above, there should be no guessing.  Lanie will know you’re courting, and she’ll know it’s up to her to say No if she’s not into you. 

Upshot?   I think Lanie was interested in you, and you might be able to win her back with this plan.  She’s angry, a hot emotion devoid of ho-hum disinterest and distinctly different from mere friendliness.  Also, she invited you to meet her family, which is rarely a friendship move when paired with dating.  But seeing you with other women was probably a huge turn-off.  Whereas her going out with another guy signaled her high status to you—making her even more desirable—turnabout backfired, possibly because your behavior conveyed the opposite of the Willing commitment most women prize. 

Then again, I don’t know for sure what Lanie is feeling, but you can use Pursuit to find the answer.  It may be more art than science.  But if you do nothing, you’ll probably get nothing; if you do this, you’ll get clarity—sans restraining orders.  And you might get the girl.  I hope so.

Cheers,

Duana

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013. 

Do you have a question for Duana?  Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com for a free, confidential response.  If your letter is ever used on-site, your identifying information will be altered and your letter changed to protect your identity. 

Related LoveScience articles:

How not to suck at dating: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-not-to-suck-at-dating-special-double-issue.html

Women actually make the first move~kind of.  Here are women’s physical signs that they’re Into you: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-tell-shes-just-not-that-into-you-or-captain-clueless.html

What women want: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/men-as-success-objects-or-why-a-mans-job-is-to-have-a-good-j.html

Just Friends?  Maybe she is, but he’s probably not:   http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/can-men-and-women-really-be-just-friendsand-nothing-more.html

Nuts & Sluts: why most women cannot afford to be blatantly obvious, emotionally clingy, or immediately sexually available if they want long-term love: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/hard-to-get-mating-centrism-and-other-pitfalls-of-early-dati.html

Guess who’s paying for dinner?  The guy!  Here’s why:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/guess-whos-paying-for-dinner.html

The science behind this article is scattered throughout the past nearly four years of LoveScience, but if you want to read an excellent text that provides summaries and studies backing up the many assertions here, David Buss’  textbook Evolutionary Psychology (third edition or later; Part Three, Challenges Of Sex and Mating) is it.  

Comments

[Carelle]

Duana, another great article! My relationship has its up and downs, and we are nowhere near perfect, but one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that he pursued me like crazy, risking humiliation and defeat, showing me that he was willing to put a lot of effort into the relationship, which he always has. For me, this translates into a relationship worth putting my OWN effort into. Kip, Duana is so right, Lanie probably just wants to be pursued, she wants to see you risk vulnerability for her
-and by the way flowers are ALWAYS hugely appreciated, and any girl who tells you differently is lying- so that she feels that you are worth taking a gamble on. We are taught very early in our dating lives that men will never stay with a woman who is too "easy" to get!

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Carelle, thank you so much. And I must back you up re: flowers. I've yet to meet the woman who objected to those as a courtship move~if she likes the guy!