How To Forgive An Affair (He Won't Admit)
Wise Readers~ Forgiveness: It’s something every long-term relationship requires. Next week, we’ll cover how to forgive ourselves when we really mess up in our relationships. In anticipation of that, I hope you enjoy this article on forgiving others. Cheers, Duana
Dear Duana,
Following my recent tip-off about Henry’s two-year infidelity with a colleague, he ceased contact with Anne, joined me in therapy, and apologized for endangering our marriage.
But he won’t admit he had an affair, or tell me anything about it! He insists Anne was “just a good friend” he never mentioned because he didn’t want me upset.
Well, I’m beyond upset. Why is the truth so hard for him to tell? And (how) can I forgive him—for my sanity and our unity and our family?
Katherine
Dear Katherine,
People don’t jeopardize their life’s foundation for “just a good friend”. As your gut knows, Henry had an affair—and now he’s lying to you about lying to you.
That’s a problem; in addition to Henry’s present and future fidelity, you need his validation of the past. Ideally, you need to hear every detail you ask for, when you ask for it, so you can heal and trust again. If Henry would do that, science says your odds of reconciliation and forgiveness would soar, your likelihood of divorce would plummet, and you might even achieve intimacy you’d never known before. Telling saves relationships.
But that’s the opposite of what most people believe. Even41% of therapists (!) erroneously think True Confessions ruin reconciliation. If that’s Henry’s fear, at least he’s trying to do the right thing now—albeit in the wrong way.
And maaaaaybe Henry stopped short of sexual intercourse with Anne. As an earlier Q&A showed, men tend to construe anything but Tab A in Slot B as not an affair—whereas most women find their partner’s emotional infidelity even more alarming than physical cheating.
Yet forgiveness is the norm after infidelity —even among 2/3 of sex addicts’ betrayed spouses! Whether Henry confesses or not, you can eventually get there, too.
1. Feel What You Feel
Henry’s affair is new News. Upon Impact, it’s near-compulsory to feel confusion mixed with every sad and ugly emotion ever invented. (Ugly behavior is another thing; go there too often, and your marriage will implode no matter how right you are.)
Months later, most couples find meaning and forgiveness. But now, if you force it, all you’ll get is denial with a prettier label. For the present, feel what you feel, behave respectfully, and forgive Henry…later.
2. Avoid Doormatitis
Forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. The former is an absolute necessity for your well-being. But since Henry has not told you everything, keep listening to your gut, which is likely to be right a surprising amount of the time. *Staying together* is safe only if the betrayal stops, and stays stopped.
To err is human; to forgive is divine. But to be a doormat is optional.
3. Forgive When Ready
The Stanford Forgiveness Project found that forgiving *causes* better health, reduces stress and anger, and heightens optimism. It’s a gift we give ourselves, regardless of whether the other person deserves or even knows about our forgiveness.
And…Forgiveness Can Be Learned:
a) Buy –don’t borrow— Shirley Glass’ book Not “just friends”. How often have I said people really must buy a book? Only once before . And you truly need this, as does anyone wishing to prevent or survive infidelity.
b) See things through Henry’s eyes. There is no forgiveness without empathy. And empathy entails seeing things from the other person’s viewpoint so you can replace your anger with insight.
For instance, Henry is probably not only trying to prevent a divorce by refusing to discuss the past; he also likely intended for Anne to be “just a friend”. The most common form of long-term infidelity today starts when men and women who meet at work begin as (appropriately) friendly co-workers—and then without planning it out, eventually start relating (inappropriately) intimate details of their lives. Once this occurs, a cascade of emotional, and often sexual, bonding begins between the former friends—with corresponding deceit towards the spouse. All without an ounce of mean-spirited intent.
This doesn’t excuse, condone, negate, or make you forget what Henry did. Nothing short of traumatic head injury can (should?) do that. And it does not mean you agree with Henry’s behavior, or even with his interpretation of it.
But envisioning Henry’s viewpoint paves the road to forgiveness. And nothing else will.
c) Put it in words. Tell someone—Henry (without attacking him), a friend of your marriage, and/or a journal:
*Say you’re in pain, and specify what you’re in pain about. “I felt my heart and trust fall apart when I got that tip-off email. I was in total shock, and it’s still hard for me to think back on it without pain and anger.”
*Express how Henry might see his actions (see above).
* Denote your boundaries—what you expect and what you won’t abide— to help you map out your distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. “I won’t tolerate any more secret friendships. I expect that you and I will actively avoid sharing anything with an opposite-sex friend that we could not easily say in front of one another. And I expect my questions about your friends to be answered honestly and willingly to protect our marriage.”
*Specify what you’re forgiving Henry for. “I forgive you for refusing to acknowledge your secret relationship as an affair. I forgive you for not giving me details I asked for. I forgive you for having had an emotional affair with Anne. And I forgive you if it was a physical affair.”
d) Be patient and persistent. Forgiveness is not achieved in a flash of insight, but gradually. The greater the betrayal, the truer that is. And sometimes hurt and anger will rear their snakey heads, Medusa-like, just when you thought this was Done.
Yet with patient persistence, you’ll begin to see that you and Henry are vulnerable to each other once more, which is Forgiveness and Reconciliation in one. You’ll resume living and loving again.
So yes, Katherine, you *can* forgive your husband for his affair…not today, perhaps, and not easily, and not quickly—but surely. I admire your wisdom in working towards it. And I wish you restored in every way forgiveness heals.
Cheers,
Duana
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/affairs-forgiveness-you-oh-my.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
—Shirley Glass, for authoring THE book on affair prevention and recovery—Not “Just Friends” : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal—and doing much of the research showing what works and what doesn’t. Unless otherwise indicated, Dr. Glass was the source for all research in this article.
—Everett Worthington, for authoring THE research-based book on forgiveness (of all kinds of offenses): Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving . The man knows what he writes about, personally and professionally: After he was already renowned for forgiveness research, Dr. Worthington’s mother was
murdered—and he managed to forgive the murderers.
— Peggy Vaughan, for surveys showing that marriages are *more* likely to last if the involved partner discloses all the details of the affair, discussing it completely with the betrayed spouse (Glass found the same thing in her formal studies.). Vaughan’s results showed that if an errant spouse would answer every question the betrayed spouse asked, 86% stayed together and 72% rebuilt their trust—compared to 59% and 31% if information was not forthcoming. You can see her survey here.
—Jennifer P. Schneider and others, for research and international surveys showing that forgiveness of sex addicts is the norm, and that almost all couples dealing with sex addiction ultimately agree that revealing details the betrayed spouse wants to know is the best course of action.
—Kristina Gordon and Donald Baucom, for studies showing thatforgiveness of infidelity travels through three reliable stages of Impact, Meaning, and Moving On—and that false forgiveness that is given too soon results in less intimacy, ultimately, than waiting until one is truly ready to forgive.
—Carl Thoresen and Frederic Luskin and others in the Stanford Forgiveness Project, an experiment that randomly assigned half the participants to a 9-hour forgiveness workshop, resulting in improved health and happiness in a wealth of regards for those who went through the process of forgiving.
If this article intrigued, surprised or enlightened you, please write a comment and/or click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2011 (first posted in 2010)
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (8)
What if the betrayed partner asks questions like, "is she sexier than me?" and "how was she in bed?" Are you really supposed to answer those?
I am a single woman who has been approached by more married men than single about sex, relationships and everything in between. When did this become the norm? Did I miss something? The wives are COMPLETELY clueless! They are in their own happy, little shopaholic world thinking they have this sweet, non-cheating husband while he's out trying to start a sexual revolution with anyone who is willing to join the cause. Oh well. Ignorance is bliss.
Hi, Heather,
Great question--one I'm really glad you asked. How gory should the details be? As gory as your partner asks for. Seriously, what Glass' many years of therapy with recovering couples, plus research on same, showed was that the betrayed needs Details. But only the details requested.
In other words, the betrayed person's requests should be honored with real answers~compassionate, softly worded, but real. Otherwise, s/he will not recover their trust in the betrayer.
However, there's another side to this: Betrayed Peeps, do *not* ask for information you know you can't handle. Before you ask your partner, ask yourself whether having the information will help you or not. If the answer is No, don't ask. If it's yes, then go ahead.
Thanks again, and it's good to have you here, Heather.
Cheers,
Duana
Dear Nunya,
Thank you for writing, I dont' think I've heard your voice here before and you've got an excellent question there. Is it the norm for married men to approach single women?
Surprisingly enough, perhaps not. Research on infidelity, and specifically on men's cheating, suggests that married men will usually seek out a married or partnered woman for their liaison. Apparently, men think the risk of the Other Woman falling in love with them, asking them to leave their wives, making a scene, etc. are lower if the woman herself already has a man and the risks to her own life stability that implies.
The guys are probably right about that. Even then, though, the Other Woman has a high probability of falling in love with the married man. We women tend to do that when we have sex often enough with a guy. I've written an article about that, and here it is: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-the-happily-single-girl-1.html.
Nonetheless, *you* are being approached for casual sex from married men, and you're single. What gives? Well, it could have to do with where you're meeting them. Although most men (and women) have 'accidental' or unplanned affairs, there are certain men who willfully, happily and remorselessly seek casual sex as often as possible. These are the statistically unusual guys I call profligate philanderers--nothing accidental about it, they're getting it everywhere they can.
If you are anyplace these guys congregate, such as bars, and you're beautiful--then you'll get approached. My guess is your hit-rate would be lower in the library ;).
As for the wives remaining blissfully unaware, that's indeed the case. Profligate cheaters dont' feel guilt, so they don't give off signals. And let's face it, most of us, most of the time, take our sweetheart's fidelity on faith and believe their words just because they say they're true.
I've known many women--some of whom have doctorates or medical degrees--who later learned their man was cheating left, right and center. They felt like fools even though they were intelligent, capable, lovely human beings. These women had just done what the rest of us do--they had trusted their mate. It was just the case that their particular mate was a remorseless sexual seeker who hid his tracks well.
Cheating does have its Usual Suspects; I've written about that as well, and here's the link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/keeping-him-faithful-10-five-guys-to-watch-out-for.html.
Thanks again for a spot-on question, and I hope this information helped.
Cheers,
Duana
I don’t see the danger in treating betrayal in a relationship as a shared responsibility that nessessarily must be looked at for what causes were contributed on both sides. Let’s be honest, when humans dont evolve they are pretty freaking frightening - when we quit taking chances and quite daring to grow - we only grow more stagnant, boring, non-engaged, removed, distant - at the detriment of our own lives at stake, psycological infections we might spread to our relationships, and the rising numbers of the afflicted zombie population that’s sucking the air out of this place...
Maybe an affair arose because of a mates lack of doing so within the confines of shared intimacy at home - often people take other people for granted, and often people fail themselves by not raising to their potential? I’m refering to examples of people creating a mess for themselves and the lives intertwined with their lives - their dependents, if you will, that are invested in approaching life with a proactive responsibility to grow and expand into more interests. I can see in certain for instances where the dull and mundane can become so stark that it could pay a part in one of the two jumping at the bait of recieving outside attention using it as a buie to re-descover hope and excitment in a union where one feels a slave to predictability and is disenchanted enough to have forgotten vows taken once upon a time in a past far and away. "The vows won't see me, no not this time, says Denial." But denial is a passive aggressive strategy - passive until it comes back to bite you like a ticking time-bomb.
On board a crash landing where there is a loss of cabin pressure - consider reality, what do you do when the gas mask drops - you take a hit and inhale - QUITE possibly just to feel the extassy of being alive instead of living with love’s extinction and dying in captivity. The shenanigans of cheating is a form of domestic violence and I can see how old lovers who’ve given up on trying to spice it up they cheat as a form of liberation. It is a very hard area to face - even worse is divorce - one of the most difficult - most intense hardships of life. Raise your glass if you feel me all you divorce survivors out there.
Recap - I think affairs stem from one of the two haveing lost the years and chances to better themselves. Letting love for thy self alone grow stale and therein exausting the air out the sails of a love you share with another is savage and ruthless -- just like any other form of domstic violence - And for those cheated on, betrayed, what part did they have in losing sight behind the wheel to suffer a crash caused from from their own neglect? Should they have interveined earlier was the humiliation and pain inficted partly caused from their own negligence? Great topic... Bravo.
Dear Horror-again,
(nice name, lol)
Thank you for the thought-filled contribution. Interestingly, men and women seem to have different reasons for having affairs, so I'm going to break down what you wrote to delineate that a bit.
Dissatisfaction with the marriage is often what leads women to affairs--- but not men.
Men often have affairs whether or not the marriage is happy and loving. Some research shows that whether men have affairs is unrelated to the guy's happiness with the marriage. But at least some men are actually happier with their marriage the more they cheat! To wit, Glass' research (which shocked her as well) showed that the *happiest* married men had the greatest number of affairs. I've written about that more here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/comments-from-her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html
Women, on the other hand, are indeed prone to having affairs because of feeling unloved or lonely, and here's more information about that (and how to prevent it): http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html. Like the song says, "Lonely women make good lovers."
And some women cheat because they (unconsciously) perceive that better Genes could be theirs in the form of sperm for their eggs. That is, when women cheat, they often choose a man with superior Genes to their husband's; they have more orgasms with the affair partner; and --most telling--they unwittingly have sex with the lover on the day the woman ovulates. In brief(s), the woman keeps her committed provider and protector while getting him to raise another man's offspring in a genetic deal that may work well for passing her Genes on--but that is devastating to her own mate's genetic prospects. Anyone who wants to peruse the science in highly readable terms should consult evolutionary psychologist David Buss' book The Dangerous Passion.
Women are especially prone to finding Mr. Good Genes if the woman is partnered with a man who's a bad genetic match for her~ which she can tell because he 'smells wrong'. You'd think women wouldn't marry a guy who smelled bad to them, or maybe that women aren't that tuned in to smell. But women are tuned in to smell--highly, in fact--and their ability to smell a good genetic match is often thrown off by hormonal birth control. Many women are taking hormonal birth control during courtship, and that form of birth control throws off women's Good Genes detector. So the woman finds out, too late, that she has wed someone who smells about as sexy to her as her own dad.
When such a genetic mismatch happens, a woman becomes not only more likely to say No to sex with her husband--but much likelier to say Yes to sex with someone else with better Genes for her and her future kids. Yep, sometimes love really does stink, and here's the article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-love-stinks-smell-the-pill-marriage-and-online-dating.html
So whether affairs occur is a complex mixture of opportunity, unconscious drives and genetic advantages-- and whereas a good relationship is truly the best affair preventative in women, a good relationship is no guarantee that a man will remain faithful. For men, truly the best prophylactic, affair-wise, is a lack of opportunity. Avoiding women who seem interested in a guy, plus living transparently so the man can't do much his wife wouldn't know about, is that man's best defense against cheating. Tough. But true.
Thank you again for your thoughts and getting into this topic deeply.
Cheers,
Duana
Love this column and the Q&A as well. Way to go on debunking the "common (un)wisdom" Duana!
I did have a "friend" (and I use the word loosely) who cheated on her husband and felt totally justified because her husband was emotionally insensitive and unromantic (he had Asperger's Syndrome). Thing is, she had been saying terrible, harshly critical things about him to many people for many years before she cheated -- basically, when he made attempts at trying to be sensitive and romantic she mocked him a lot.
In a case like that, I don't think the man has any chance of preventing cheating. Once one or both partners throws goodwill out the window, the marriage is on life support, I think.
The reason I particularly liked the column this week is that Duana made it clear that a marriage *can* recover from infidelity, and that there are definitely things the non-cheating partner can do. It is so encouraging to realize how much power we all have in our relationships.
However . . . I would still posit that no goodwill from one partner plus infidelity from that partner means the chances of salvaging the relationship are equal to the chance of a day without kitty vids on YouTube.
Duana, I am onto something here? Can just that one of Godwin's fabled horsemen be enough to make an infidelity the end of the marriage? Or do I overestimate the power of badwill?
Mocha's Mom,
Your contribution is thought-full and insightful as always. And truly, most of us do have a lot of power to improve our relationships.
And you're right, it's tough to overestimate the power of badwill. Seeing the other person as basically good and worthy of love, respect and kindness is the foundation for a thriving union; seeing the other person as basically crappy and worthy of derision is the foundation for, shall we say, hell. Or at least divorce court.
Yet it's tough to say whether just one of Gottman's infamous Horsemen Of The Apocalypse (that's criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling for those new to Love Science), engaged often enough, is all it takes to create infidelity. Most of the time, these four go together; it's truly rare that a couple engages just one of the Horsemen.
Besides, there are plenty of folks with a whole stable full of those horses, yet no infidelity.
But that brings up another interesting and instructive aspect of marital happiness research. After three decades of longitudinal science on happy and unhappy unions, Gottman's own impression was that affairs don't cause loneliness and estrangement ~ loneliness and estrangement create the openness to affairs.
Gottman goes on to say that although the Horsemen do cause the emotional climate of loneliness that favors affairs, it's the loneliness, and not the affair(s), that cause the end of many a savable union.
What does it boil down to? The friendship inside the marriage. Goodwill. And that's something nearly everyone can work on.
Thank you again for your contributions!
Cheers,
Duana