Q&A from "How To Forgive An Affair (he won't admit)" (Updated & Revised)
Wise Readers,
What if your partner wants the gory details of your affair? Why is affair betrayal less acceptable to most of us than other betrayals? Don’t cheaters cheat again? What happens when parents tell kids about their affair(s)? And why doesn’t forgiving mean forgetting?
Read on!
Cheers, Duana
—Should you really answer *every* question your partner asks you about your former affair?—
From Heather:
What if the betrayed partner asks questions like, “is she sexier than me?” and “how was she in bed?” Are you really supposed to answer those?
Duana’s response:
Hi, Heather, spot-on question! How gory should the details be? As gory as your partner asks for. Seriously, Glass’ many years of therapy with recovering couples, plus research on same, showed the betrayed partner needs Details. But only the details requested. Honor their requests with real answers—softly worded. Otherwise, they won’t recover their trust in the betrayer.
However, there’s another side to this: Betrayed Peeps, do *not* ask for information you know you can’t handle. Before you ask your partner, ask yourself whether having the information will help you or not. If the answer is No, don’t ask. If it’s yes, then go ahead.
—Do married men usually seek out single women for affairs?—
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From Nunya: |
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I am a single woman who has been approached by more married men than single about sex, relationships and everything in between. When did this become the norm? Did I miss something? The wives are COMPLETELY clueless! They are in their own happy, little shopaholic world thinking they have this sweet, non-cheating husband while he’s out trying to start a sexual revolution with anyone who is willing to join the cause. Oh well. Ignorance is bliss.
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Duana’s response: |
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Dear Nunya,
Thank you for writing, I don’t think I’ve heard your voice here before and you’ve got an excellent question. Is it the norm for married men to approach single women?
Surprisingly enough, perhaps not. Research on infidelity, and specifically on men’s cheating, suggests that married men usually seek out a married or partnered woman for their liaison. Apparently, men think the risk of the Other Woman falling in love with them, asking them to leave their wives, making a scene, etc. are lower if the woman herself already has a man and the risks to her own life stability that implies.
The guys are probably right about that. Even then, though, the Other Woman has a high probability of falling in love with the married man. We women tend to do that when we have sex often enough with a guy. I’ve written an article about that, and here it is: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-the-happily-single-girl-1.html.
Nonetheless, *you* are being approached for casual sex from married men, and you’re single. What gives? Well, it could have to do with where you’re meeting them. Although most men (and women) who have affairs have them in an accidental or unplanned fashion, there are certain men who willfully, happily and remorselessly seek casual sex as often as possible. These are the statistically unusual guys I call profligate philanderers—nothing accidental about it, they’re getting it everywhere they can.
If you are anyplace these guys congregate, such as bars, and you’re beautiful—then you’ll get approached. My guess is your hit-rate would be lower in the library or your local house of worship ;).
As for the wives remaining blissfully unaware, that’s often indeed the case. Profligate cheaters don’t feel guilt, so they don’t give off signals. And let’s face it, most of us, most of the time, take our sweetheart’s fidelity on faith and believe their words just because they say they’re true.
I’ve known many women—some of whom have doctorates or medical degrees—who later learned their man was cheating left, right and center. They felt like fools even though they were intelligent, capable, lovely human beings. These women had merely done what the rest of us do—they had trusted their mate. It was just the case that their particular mate was a remorseless sexual seeker who hid his tracks well.
Cheating does have its Usual Suspects; I’ve written about that as well, and here’s the link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/keeping-him-faithful-10-five-guys-to-watch-out-for.html.
Thanks again for a spot-on question, and I hope this information helped.
—Do affairs happen because one (or both) married partners are just plain bored?—
From Horror-again:
Maybe an affair arose because of a mate’s lack of doing so within the confines of shared intimacy at home - often people take other people for granted, and often people fail themselves by not raising to their potential? I’m referring to examples of people creating a mess for themselves and the lives intertwined with their lives - their dependents, if you will, that are invested in approaching life with a proactive responsibility to grow and expand into more interests. I can see in certain for instances where the dull and mundane can become so stark that it could pay a part in one of the two jumping at the bait of receiving outside attention using it as an attempt to re-discover hope and excitement in a union where one feels a slave to predictability and is disenchanted enough to have forgotten vows taken once upon a time in a past far and away….
And for those cheated on, betrayed, what part did they have in losing sight behind the wheel to suffer a crash caused from their own neglect? Should they have intervened earlier, was the humiliation and pain inflicted partly caused from their own negligence? Great topic… Bravo.
Duana’s response:
Dear Horror-again, (nice name, lol)—Thank you for the thought-filled contribution. Interestingly, men and women seem to have different reasons for having affairs, so I’m going to break down what you wrote to delineate that a bit.
Men often have affairs whether or not the marriage is happy and loving. Some research shows that whether men have affairs is unrelated to the guy’s happiness with the marriage.
And some men are actually happier with their marriage the more they cheat! To wit, Glass’ research (which shocked her as well) showed that the *happiest* married men had the greatest number of affairs. I’ve written about that more here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/comments-from-her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html
This is where I think you’re onto something, Mr. Horror-again, and that boredom does play a role in these profligate-cheater-men’s affairs. The long-known Coolidge Effect, in which male mammals of nearly every species become sexually bored with the same female partner but are instantly sexually awakened by a new female partner, is Evolution’s way of encouraging an indiscriminate spreading of male seed. Not every man feels this way~ but nearly everyone who feels this way is a man!
Women, on the other hand, are prone to having affairs because of feeling unloved or lonely (not necessarily bored, though), and here’s more information about that (and how to prevent it): http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html. Like the song says, “Lonely women make good lovers.”
And some women cheat because they (unconsciously) perceive that better Genes could be theirs in the form of sperm for their eggs. That is, when women cheat, they often choose a man with superior Genes to their husband’s; they have more orgasms with the affair partner; and —most telling—they unwittingly have sex with the lover on the day the woman ovulates. In brief(s), the woman keeps her committed provider and protector while getting him to raise another man’s offspring in a genetic deal that may work well for passing her Genes on—but that is devastating to her own mate’s genetic prospects. Anyone who wants to peruse the science in highly readable terms should consult evolutionary psychologist David Buss’ book The Dangerous Passion.
Women are especially prone to finding Mr. Good Genes if the woman is partnered with a man who’s a bad genetic match for her~ which she can tell because he ‘smells wrong’. You’d think women wouldn’t marry a guy who smelled bad to them, or maybe that women aren’t that tuned in to smell. But women are tuned in to smell—highly, in fact—and their ability to smell a good genetic match is often thrown off by hormonal birth control. Many women are taking hormonal birth control during courtship, and that form of birth control throws off women’s Good Genes detector. So the woman finds out, too late, that she has wed someone who smells about as sexy to her as her own dad. Ick.
When such a genetic mismatch happens, a woman becomes not only more likely to say No to sex with her husband—but much likelier to say Yes to sex with someone else with better Genes for her and her future kids. Yep, sometimes love really does stink, and here’s the article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-love-stinks-smell-the-pill-marriage-and-online-dating.html
So whether affairs occur is a complex mixture of opportunity, boredom (for some men), unconscious drives and genetic advantages— and whereas a good relationship is truly the best affair preventative in women, a good relationship is no guarantee that a man will remain faithful. For men, the best affair prophylactic is just a lack of opportunity. Avoiding women who seem interested in a guy, plus living transparently so the man can’t do much his wife wouldn’t know about, is that man’s surest defense against cheating. Tough. But true.
Thank you again for your thoughts and getting into this topic deeply.
—Can just one bad behavior, done often enough, drive your partner into someone else’s arms?—
From Mocha’s Mom:
Love this column and the Q&A as well. Way to go on debunking the “common (un)wisdom” Duana!
I did have a “friend” (and I use the word loosely) who cheated on her husband and felt totally justified because her husband was emotionally insensitive and unromantic (he had Asperger’s Syndrome). Thing is, she had been saying terrible, harshly critical things about him to many people for many years before she cheated — basically, when he made attempts at trying to be sensitive and romantic she mocked him a lot.
In a case like that, I don’t think the man has any chance of preventing cheating. Once one or both partners throws goodwill out the window, the marriage is on life support, I think.
The reason I particularly liked the column this week is that Duana made it clear that a marriage *can* recover from infidelity, and that there are definitely things the non-cheating partner can do. It is so encouraging to realize how much power we all have in our relationships.
However … I would still posit that no goodwill from one partner plus infidelity from that partner means the chances of salvaging the relationship are equal to the chance of a day without kitty vids on YouTube.
Duana, I am onto something here? Can just that one of Gottman’s fabled horsemen be enough to make an infidelity the end of the marriage? Or do I overestimate the power of badwill?
Duana’s response:
Mocha’s Mom, your contribution is thought-full and insightful as always. And truly, most of us do have a lot of power to improve our relationships.
And you’re right, it’s tough to overestimate the power of badwill. Seeing the other person as basically good and worthy of love, respect and kindness is the foundation for a thriving union; seeing the other person as basically crappy and worthy of derision is the foundation for, shall we say, hell. Or at least divorce court.
Yet it’s tough to say whether just one of Gottman’s infamous Horsemen Of The Apocalypse (that’s criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling for those new to Love Science), engaged often enough, is all it takes to create infidelity. Most of the time, these four go together; it’s truly rare that a couple engages just one of the Horsemen. (Again for those new to this site, two articles to catch you up to dealing with difficult women and men are here:
Besides, there are plenty of folks with a whole stable full of those horses, yet no infidelity.
But that brings up another interesting and instructive aspect of marital happiness research. After three decades of longitudinal science on happy and unhappy unions, Gottman’s own impression was that affairs don’t cause loneliness and estrangement ~ loneliness and estrangement create the openness to affairs. (But see my response to Horror-again, above; this seems especially true for women rather than men.)
Gottman goes on to say that although the Horsemen do cause the emotional climate of loneliness that favors affairs, it’s the loneliness, and not the affair(s), that cause the end of many a savable union.
What does it boil down to? The friendship inside the marriage. Goodwill. And that’s something nearly everyone can work on.
Thank you again for your contributions!
—What’s The Big Deal, Anyway? Why Affair Betrayal Is *Different*
(And Open Marriage Rarely Works)
From Cynthia:
I feel like the odd gal out. I have never been able to stay mad about anything for more than about 3 minutes.
I can honestly say I would be more upset if my spouse took a lover on holiday then if he just satisfied an itch. I don’t get the big deal about affairs? Is it the betrayal or the affair we are talking about forgiving? It seems that more people are upset about being betrayed but if the spouse said, ” Hey honey I need more than you can give me I want a hooker or relationship on the side” how many people would say okay? I have never really understood why people expect one person to provide or meet all their needs.
Why does an affair have to endanger a marriage? It seems that some women have no problem with their man cheating as long as they continue to provide for them. I have found it strange that over the years I know of more women who have affairs than men?
Duana’s response:
Dear Cynthia,
Thank you for contributing your voice here at Love Science. You are the odd girl out, indeed, to be able to forgive so quickly (whether you’re odd-girl-out to know more unfaithful women than men, I can’t say—that could just depend on whom you know, and whether they will really Tell All).
It’s enviable, really. Most of us are pretty good at remaining angry about stuff our parents did decades ago, nevermind forgiving in a matter of moments.
But you’re All Woman when it comes to being more upset about an ongoing emotional affair than a fling. Not that women think our mate’s casual sex is neat, mind you—we’re just more threatened (in experiments and self-reports around the globe) by affairs that include emotions.
It’s Evolutionary, My Dear Cynthia, dealing as it does with ancient survival needs our maternal ancestors battled. Where men love, they invest all their another resources—and in the ancient past, a man who left to invest all his resources in spouse was a man who left behind a mate and children who could very well die.
Meantime, men—who could hunt down a wildebeest just fine, thank you, but could also be bred out of future genetic existence by a philandering wife—continue to be far more enraged by sexual cheating in a spouse.
And you can read more about it at this Love Science Q&A.
As far as expecting one person to meet all one’s needs—you’re right, it’s impossible. I, for instance, need to play Bananagrams, take daily hikes, eat lots of dark chocolate, read several books at once, and spend hours on the phone with girlfriends. To expect my man to join me in all this would be plain-out ludicrous. And he, for his part, does not hold it against me that I don’t spend each Sunday volunteering at the zoo with him, nor that I won’t dig holes in the dirt with him, nor that I can spend large amounts of time relaxing, and he…can’t.
But whereas one’s need to play outstanding tennis can be matched (haha, a pun) elsewhere without ill consequence, meeting sexual and intimacy needs outside the marriage is a huge threat, and is *not* like other betrayals. Most people, most of the time, are just not very good at sharing when it comes to sharing their mate’s body and emotions. Why?
For one thing, in the rosy glow of affairs (especially the on-going, lovey-dovey type), people seldom use condoms. Or any protection. Few of us, male or female, relish the option to unwittingly contract a sexual disease or pay for/raise the child-of-Spousie’s-lover.
For another, the ideal in unions around the world continues to be Fidelity; even in polygamous societies, women try to be the wife who is married for love, women get hurt if their mate loves another, and men are sometimes even murderous if their wife has sex with anyone else.
Yes, that ideal is often breached—about 50% of marriages sustain at least one emotional and/or sexual affair, globally, according to several reviews of research. But it’s an ideal that runs so deep that it is in the marriage contract. “Forsaking all others” is, for instance, part of many Christian wedding ceremonies; “sharing all my hobbies” is nowhere found in vows.
Finally, your musing about open affairs, ala “You don’t meet all my needs, so what if I just hire a hooker?” is a question that couples have always wrestled with. Today, variations on open affairs that range from just-sex to love affairs include polyamory, swinging, and open marriage.
But the research is consistent on what happens next: A few of these marriages last—but most recommit to monogamy or else end in divorce.
—Don’t Cheaters Just Cheat Again?! And How Can You Tell?
From Z:
But isn’t a cheater likely to cheat again? What is the point in forgiving a cheater? How could you ever trust that person again? And what is a relationship without trust? Move on and find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated!
Duana’s response:
Dear Z,
When I first announced my intention to answer Katherine’s letter, some Facebook followers indicated that any article on forgiveness and affairs would be rather short. As in, non-existent.
And the Law Of Psychology states that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior in a similar situation.
Which means the answer to your question about whether a cheater will just cheat again is: Yes. Right?
Like you, I would have thought so. But it turns out that the answer depends on the kind of cheater we’re talking about.
In the Yes, They’ll Likely Do It Again category
The best predictor of male cheating—although many men never succumb— is simple opportunity . In the presence of the Aggressively Willing, male Genes just don’t wanna say no to a shot at immortality. Most men will *never* know what that feels like—and many will only be pursued once in a lifetime. But rich, powerful, athletic, and/or famous men are often literally surrounded by such temptation nearly every waking hour. And for some of them, it eventually goes to their heads (and other parts).
And that’s how Tiger became a Cheetah, and Letterman endured more than a few not-so-funny moments.
Second, a relative few cheaters are willful philanderers (most often men) and/or narcissists (equivalent numbers of men and women) who require no prompting to nurse their sense of entitlement, often expressed as “What I’m doing isn’t hurting anyone else, and I deserve this.”
Still others are folks with such an insecure attachment style, they feel they must have a ‘back-up’ in case their current mate ditches—ironically, making it more likely that their current mate *will* ditch.
Yet others are people who cheat very early in the marriage , demonstrating low commitment even during the honeymoon.
Once these types have been caught cheating, you can usually trust them—to cheat again.
In which case, you’re right: Unless you’re okay with your mate’s infidelity, if possible, “Move on and find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated!”
In the No, They Probably Won’t Do It Again category:
*Most* people who have affairs say it “just happened”, and they aren’t lying—exactly.
Copious research now shows that accidental cheating is the norm today , where mere friends become affair partners, through no plan or intent to harm. As the spouse gets to know someone (typically a colleague at work, ala Henry and Anne) a bit too well emotionally, they gradually cease open communication with their mate. And emotional and usually sexual cheating ensue.
As Shirley Glass famously described it, these are the people who –without forethought or malice of any kind— reversed the walls and windows of their lives so that the windows that used to encourage open communication between spouses have now become brick walls; and the walls that used to keep “just friends” at arm’s length become windows so large, they may as well be sliding-glass doors.
(That’s why I posted two of Glass’ quizzes at a former Love Science—to help readers see if their relationship is in danger of experiencing a reversal of these walls and windows—and hence, affairs.)
The trick is finding out which kind of mate one has. To figure *that* out, Glass advises betrayed spouses to ask themselves:
—Is your partner’s infidelity “part of a larger picture of cheating and lying”?
—“Is your partner understanding about your pain?”
—Does your mate willingly reduce your anxiety by accountability?
If the errant spouse is a Liar In General, a past cheater, callous towards the betrayed spouse’s pain, or unwilling to be an Open Book going forward—telling you Where, When, How, With Whom, showing emails, etc.—then forgiveness is still necessary.
But staying is just foolhardy.
Or, as I like to quip, To err is human; to forgive is divine. But to be a doormat is optional. And it’s not an option I recommend.
Thanks, Z, for a set of great questions. Hope to see you back here again.
—Why *Not* To Tell Your Kids About Your Affair:
From Brenda
It is hard enough to forgive an admitted affair, so I can see how it would be even more difficult to forgive one that wasn’t admitted to. One thing that is often overlooked is the impact an affair has on children. Having to forgive your cheating parent is beyond difficult and affects your future relationships. Been there, done that!
Duana’s Response:
Hi, Brenda, good to hear your voice added to Love Science. Researching this article taught me a number of surprising things, two of which your experience reflects.
First, like most people, I had always thought a person really should not admit to an affair—or that if they did confess, then for their future marital stability, they ought to keep the details to themselves. I believed, as Henry probably still does, that being a good, faithful spouse going *forward* was enough.
But I was wrong, and you’re right. Being a good mate going forward is not enough. Cleaning up the past by willingly revealing the details the betrayed spouse asks for is needed if trust is really going to be repaired. And as research shows, the betrayer needs to be genuinely sorry—*and express that regret to their mate*.
Second, it’s awful that you knew of your parents’ breach of fidelity. That does wreak havoc with parent-child relationships, and science indicates that this is one case where cheaters really *should* keep it to themselves.
If at all possible, minor children, especially, should be protected from knowing about parental affairs, for these reasons:
—When kids know about a parents’ affair(s), that knowledge drives a wedge between them that may or may not be removed with time.
—When the betrayed parent tells kids about the affair, now the kids have *two* people to forgive: the cheater, and the parent who told them. It’s a huge psychological burden, and additionally, the kids cannot do anything about it but be caught in the middle.
Upshot? Kids who feel caught between warring parents (for any offense or reason) do worse in school, have more behavior problems, function more poorly psychologically, and in every way a parent wishes to avoid—just plain do worse than kids who are rightfully enjoying a parent-war-free childhood.
Finally:
—When kids know about a parent’s affair(s), it has the perverse consequence of often—though not always—shifting the risk upwards that the kids will later have affairs themselves , and it messes with their sense that a mate can be trusted. Marriages are never the same after an affair as before, and the gut-wrench of an affair and its aftermath is something few of us would wish on our kids.
—Why Forgiveness Is Mandatory—
Reconciliation, Optional—
Trusting, Gradual—
and Forgetting, Just Plain Stupid:
From Patti:
I have gone through the same thing but had a hell of a time getting past it. I was so angry and even wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. I learned from a wise woman that it takes a year to adapt to something bad that has been done. It has been a little over a year and I am over it. It easy to test yourself, just replay in your mind what was done to you and how you felt at the time it was done and when you feel peace and not angry anymore, you have forgiven! We are not together anymore but I don’t hate him like I did at one time and we get along for the sakes of our child. It will def get better. = )
Duana’s Response:
Dear Patti, sounds like you’ve found wisdom along with peace, and I congratulate you. Your self-test is brilliant. And your life’s example makes the Ultimate Point that whether or not one stays with the errant spouse –as you did not—it makes all the sense in the world to *forgive* that person…for oneself and one’s children (who need you to get along and be emotionally present, whether or not you remain with their other parent—something unforgiveness prevents).
So kudos to you for achieving what many writers privately told me they thought impossible…but which the data and your story show to actually be the rule rather than the exception.
And thank you for letting me address Z’s question about why it’s worthwhile to forgive (but not remain with!) someone who will only cheat again:
The point of forgiving anyone—cheater or not—is that peace and serenity are literally impossible for ourselves if we won’t.
In his book Authentic Happiness , top positive psychology theorist and scientist Marty Seligman compellingly makes the point. Many of us think forgiveness is something we do for the *other* person, and that since the other person doesn’t deserve forgiveness, we oughtn’t give it.
In Seligman’s words, ““Here are some of the usual reasons for holding on to unforgiveness: Forgiving is unjust….Forgiving may be loving toward the perpetrator, but it shows a want of love toward the victim….Forgiving blocks revenge, and revenge is right and natural.”
But feeling chronic bitterness, obsession, pain, avoidance, and vengeance (the hallmarks of unforgiveness) is plain-out Bad For *YOU* and your kids and anyone else who must deal with you.
A raft of studies compellingly shows that the process of forgiving makes the forgiver happier, healthier, and better-off in almost every way (exception: I don’t think it’s been examined economically.). These studies aren’t merely correlational, but experimental, meaning there is Cause. Forgiveness Causes Good Stuff. For You.
So the reason to forgive even the worst, least-apologetic, heinous individual is that forgiveness is the only way out of the tyranny of others’ actions, the one road back towards happiness, and the sure path from victim to victor.
Ironically, then, forgiveness is the ultimate selfish act. But it’s one selfish act that truly makes your entire world a better place.
From Mocha’s Mom:
While some may be skeptical, I can say from my personal experience that forgiving people is empowering and amazingly helpful.
My field is Asperger’s Syndrome, and there are a LOT of adults with AS who carry a lot of anger at the people who bullied them in school, the teachers who punished them for behaviors they could not control, and parents who wanted them to be people they simply never could be. I can guarantee that growing up with AS is a great way to truly have people you trust and/or dearly love do things that seem unforgivable to you.
I found the path to forgiveness through REBT (a kind of cognitive-behavioral therapy). That’s how I came to understand that it is illogical and self-destructive to carry around rage or hate based on people acting out of ignorance, out of ineptitude, and/or out of their own “neuroses.” People do stupid things, people lack the ability to make good decisions, and people have their own mental issues that often neither I nor they can control.
Besides, the alternative to forgiveness is to spend one’s life with a bad digestion, tension headaches, late nights spent awake plotting revenge or raging at the unfairness of it all, and generally going around distracted, unable to enjoy either work or play fully, and significantly less healthy than one could be!
For my own health, I learned forgiveness. Does that mean I let the same people run roughshod over me? Of course not. It means I left the unhealthy rage behind and replaced it with feelings like a healthy frustration with others’ behavior, with regret (not guilt!) over having been unable to educate them or help them to do better, and with a determination to use what I had learned to help other people.
Is infidelity different? Well, it does involve someone you probably live with and need to forge some form of partnership with (if there are children involved, you still need to partner up for their upbringing to be sane). If you don’t forgive, then those hateful and rage-filled emotions will hurt you deeply every day every time you have contact or a reminder of your formerly cheating spouse. Just looking at little Junior from the right angle can remind you of how much he resembles your spouse, and then you can start worrying about Junior being a no-good cheater as well!
In fact, it is possible for a spouse to really make him/herself so miserable, hostile, and shrewish that the spouse will start thinking s/he was smart to cheat! S/he may even forget that the wounded spouse was nicer before the cheating and just remember how nice that other person was in comparison with the wronged spouse’s meanness.
There are some issues that require serious thought: if someone is a serial cheater, you do have to make a decision about whether you can continue to live with him or her, but rage won’t help you make a better decision.
If the LW’s husband doesn’t understand that “almost but not quite cheating” is really cheating, or if (like a lot of men) he doesn’t understand that an emotional affair IS an affair, then yes, it’s harder and more complicated and that sucks.
You can decide to forgive without forgetting, and you can continue to modify your own behavior in light of the cheating (for example, in the case of a serial cheater, you might insist on safer sex practices). But never forgiving someone because “he doesn’t deserve it” is a great way to punish yourself daily, even hourly, for someone else’s bad behavior.
It’s going to hurt the letter writer whether she forgives or not. It will hurt much more if she doesn’t. I say, she should do what is least painful — forgive him — and then she will be able to base her actions around what is healthy and works for her, her child(ren) and her husband.
Or she could just rage forever and make the whole family miserable while developing a drinking problem and a deep hatred of humanity. That’s a popular option too. But from what she wrote, she seems a lot smarter than that!
For those who feel the evil husband doesn’t deserve forgiveness, remember how Carrie Fisher put it: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Duana’s response:
Dear Mocha’s Mom,
Thank you for your insightful contribution about why forgiveness is something we really do for ourselves. I also appreciate your insights about the distinction between Forgiveness and Reconciliation. A major deterrent to forgiveness of *anything* —being badly parented, being lied to by a friend, being used by colleagues, and yes, being cheated on by a spouse—is thinking we have to go right on having the same exact relationship as before. No. We have to forgive, for our own well-being. But we do *not* have to Stay.
That said, it turns out that every permutation of the Forgiveness-Reconciliation scenario can and does happen.
Many couples stay together without forgiving (see under “Inadvisable” and “Hell” in dictionary).
And many leave but forgive from a distance—which is the sane choice if the offender goes right on offending and you understandably desire peace in your heart *along with* safety from further betrayal.
And best-case, of course, many stay together *and* forgive.
In fact, the best-case actually *is* the most common outcome in every study I found. Which was perhaps the most surprising, and oddly heartening, part of writing this article.
In other news: The book I most want to marry (or at least run away with) right now is Committed by Liz Gilbert. Although she’s a novelist, and the book is a personal exploration of her own hesitation to legally wed, it’s got a lot of research in it (she does a great job of explaining Shirley Glass and John Gottman, hence my falling in love with Liz. In light of that, we will overlook her incorrect interpretation of the Do-Men-Or-Women-Benefit-More-From-Marriage question.).
You may be wondering what my point is. Fair enough: Asperger’s is bound to give rise to a need to forgive the many blundering insensitives of the world. But *all* long-term relationships give us abundant opportunities to forgive, and to need to be forgiven. As Gilbert writes, “In the end, it seems to me that forgiveness may be the only realistic antidote we are offered in love, to combat the inescapable disappointments of intimacy.”
Or we could just stick with Carrie Fisher, lol.
From Mark Morrow:
My experience is that I forgive a lot easier than the trust returns. Acknowledgement of any misdoing makes you feel like your partner respects you and can be honest about their mistakes. You can forgive someone and not let them back in your life or just be friends. If they can’t be honest about a problem like seeking intimacy outside a relationship then there is no reason for me to continue that relationship; I can forgive, we could be friends, but I do not want them as a lover. If they are honest, forthright, and state they want to make the relationship work then I see potential for growth in the relationship and potential for trust to be regained.
Duana’s Response:
Dear Mark,
You have a handle on the Forgiveness Thang that is unusual and which I frankly envy, since you seem to have learned core forgiveness concepts naturally that many people take a very long while to discover. Or perhaps I am assuming too much, and it took you just as long as many people.
Either way, I include myself among those many people.
It wasn’t until I researched what is known, scientifically, about forgiveness that it finally hit me that:
a) Forgiving often happens sooner than trusting, and sometimes trust is never re-established—nor deserved— even though forgiveness happens.
In fact, the Law Of Psychology shows that a whole lot of the time, depending on the factors I wrote down for Z (above), the offender is going to re-offend if in the same situation. They can be trusted…to Do It Again.
For those people who truly aren’t going to Do It Again (whatever It is they did), it’s going to take a long, long time before any reasonable person fully trusts that/them. That’s the way it is—there’s no quick path back to trust once it’s shattered.
b) Sometimes, the reason people don’t forgive is because they don’t want to subject themselves to further abuse (of whatever kind, not only cheating). And they feel that forgiving = saying Yes to further contact.
But it could be so helpful for those folks to know that they can have *both* peace and safety. As you’ve found, forgiveness is *not* the same thing as letting someone back into your life. You forgive for your own health at every level; you also shut the door on some folks to protect your own health at every level. Both are appropriate.
And whereas the science supports your statement that “If they are honest, forthright, and state they want to make the relationship work then I see potential for growth in the relationship and potential for trust to be regained”, you’re also correct that if dishonesty, hesitation to be an open book about the future (and hopefully about the past as well), or an inability to work through ambivalence about which lover to choose remains at issue—it’s time for the Heave Ho at some level that makes sense for *you* (not for the offender—for you).
c) In addition to the type of forgiveness we usually think of—where we let the offender know they are forgiven—there is Silent Forgiveness. This happens when we forgive others but don’t tell them so. It is a perfectly legit option if you require or desire any kind of safety (emotional, physical, economic, etc.) from the offender.
Since forgiveness is for the forgiver, whether or not to tell the other party is purely up to the forgiver’s judgment, and is not a requirement of forgiving.
d) Forgiveness should never be accompanied by forgetting, nor by making light of the offense.
As Glass wrote, “Forgiveness is about as far away from ‘not a big deal’ as you can get.”
As the adage puts it, “Wise people forgive, but only a fool forgets.”
And as I like to say, “Yes, turn the other cheek, but you’ve only got four.”
Memory protects us from Doormatitis. Never forget.
Cheers,
Duana
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/affairs-forgiveness-you-oh-my.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
—Shirley Glass, for authoring THE book on affair prevention and recovery—Not “Just Friends” : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal—and doing much of the research showing what works and what doesn’t. Unless otherwise indicated, Dr. Glass was the source for all research in this article.
—Everett Worthington, for authoring THE research-based book on forgiveness (of all kinds of offenses): Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving . The man knows what he writes about, personally and professionally: After he was already renowned for forgiveness research, Dr. Worthington’s mother was
murdered—and he managed to forgive the murderers.
— Peggy Vaughan, for surveys showing that marriages are *more* likely to last if the involved partner discloses all the details of the affair, discussing it completely with the betrayed spouse (Glass found the same thing in her formal studies.). Vaughan’s results showed that if an errant spouse would answer every question the betrayed spouse asked, 86% stayed together and 72% rebuilt their trust—compared to 59% and 31% if information was not forthcoming. You can see her survey here.
—Jennifer P. Schneider and others, for research and international surveys showing that forgiveness of sex addicts is the norm, and that almost all couples dealing with sex addiction ultimately agree that revealing details the betrayed spouse wants to know is the best course of action.
—Kristina Gordon and Donald Baucom, for studies showing thatforgiveness of infidelity travels through three reliable stages of Impact, Meaning, and Moving On—and that false forgiveness that is given too soon results in less intimacy, ultimately, than waiting until one is truly ready to forgive.
—Carl Thoresen and Frederic Luskin and others in the Stanford Forgiveness Project, an experiment that randomly assigned half the participants to a 9-hour forgiveness workshop, resulting in improved health and happiness in a wealth of regards for those who went through the process of forgiving.
If this article intrigued, surprised or enlightened you, please write a comment and/or click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2011 (a shorter version of this article was first posted in 2010)
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (4)
Duana- i have really enjoyed your columns since I started reading them several months ago on my kindle. I really liked the research about affairs and facebook relationships in particular.
The discussions about affairs and reason for affairs, and ways to forgive them prompts me to ask your thoughts about a variation on the affair situation. Since February I have been on a monthly basis seeing different paid escorts through internet screening services, practicing safe sex, but obviously without my wife's knowledge.
I am much happier in my marriage than before I started this activity. Am I worse or the same in terms of another person chasing "traditional affairs"? Does research show this behavior has the same causes and effects as a traditional affair? Is there any research that shows that once I cross this line, the next step is a "real" affair?
Hi, Mysterio,
Thank you for writing and being so open (albeit mysterious). I'll try to fully answer your queries, at least to the extent I'm informed.
In a way, you're better-off than men in the traditional affair scenario because in your case, your heart's not in your affairs. (Loins, yes, heart, no.) This means that your marriage is not at a greater risk of dissolution from your side, since you presumably love your wife and have no plans to leave her. If you fell in love with someone else, that would put your marriage at far greater risk.
But. If your wife were to find out...well, you know her and I don't. You might get by, undetected, for many moons. Then again, you might not. And it's your guess how she would respond. Women tend to be a bit more forgiving about a purely sexual affair than a love affair; but as the number of affairs increases, they may feel less forgiving.
Most traditional affairs seem to begin because of loneliness and/or an emotional openness to someone who began as just a (sexy) friend. The kind of affair you're having differs in some notable ways--primarily in its origins and intent. Your intent, based on research, is likelyto obtain sexual variety and excitement--not to fill an emotional need, nor complete the sex act with someone you've inadvertently become emotionally connected to. And the origins are obviously distinct; your affairs are occurring in a planned, intentional fashion, as opposed to the norm where truly, "it just happened".
(continued)
Finally, your third query is a bit tougher to answer: Are you setting yourself up for a full affair where your heart and your loins are both involved?
Probably not. Research on men's brain activity and self-reports shows that men who engage in numerous casual sex relationships are less, not more, inclined towards emotional attachment with the affair partner (compared to men with few liaisons). Literally, the dopamine reward centers in Players' brains respond to casual sex by cutting the love drugs. Stayers, on the other hand, tend to get emotionally attached quickly, and to have fewer liaisons to begin with.
Maybe that's because playing causes brain changes; maybe there's a genetic basis for staying, with a faithful Gene of sorts (science supports both of these explanations).
Whatever it is, evolutionary psychologists think that the short-circuit of dopamine levels after casual sex exists because it worked, in terms of creating more offspring, in the ancient past. Such behavior in your ancestors helped men maintain emotional ties to a wife while spreading Genes around to many a mistress. To the extent that men who weren't 100% sexually faithful did this in the ancient past, they would have left more kids behind than either guys who were always faithful to one mate (whose kids would have great survival odds but who might have fewer kids), or guys who emotionally abandoned their primary mate over a sexual affair (who might have a lot of kids but low odds of any of them living, sans on-going protection).
(continued)
At any rate, today, men almost universally have a greater desire for sexual variety than women do. But because both sexes tend to think the other shares their mating psychology, this can lead to a ton of pain.
Summing up, there's safer sex, but no safe sex...especially if it means something to someone you love.
Thanks again for writing.
Cheers,
Duana