Q&A from “How To Get Rid Of A Rival: Survey says…”
Wise Readers,
What if someone married or male had asked me Tricia’s question about getting rid of a rival? Would a man use the same techniques as a woman? Should a woman with children ‘dump the chump’, as I advised Tricia? And what did the Survey answers say on Question 3?
Read on!
From Mocha’s Mom: —Classic Advice-
This is the most classic advice column question you have ever answered.
In fact, I cannot resist quoting this Facebook post from my brilliant kid sister here:
“It seems the majority of all advice column’s letters start out with…1) I’m dating the man of my dreams, except for the fact that he’s a total a-hole in this major way _____.
OR
2) My boyfriend is a complete doink that I enable, why won’t he stop being a doink?
~Of course I’m paraphrasing for brevity/clarity.”
Yeah, that.
From Vincent: —What if a guy asked you Tricia’s question? Would you give the same advice?—
Tricia definitely needs to “dump the chump”! Wonder if the role was reversed if you would give the same advice. Men, at least this one, are not very good at playing games, maybe more of a physical response to the other guy.
When in my 20’s I dated a beautiful woman for 6 months who made my life miserable with jealousy and other attention-grabbing behavior. I had never been jealous before or after this so I guess that is why I remember it so well. My friends saw what was going on and had an “intervention” with me to break up with her. I did and although I hurt, I did not look back.
Duana’s response: —What Men Do (It May Surprise You)—
Dear Mocha’s Mom— lol. This is the most classic advice column answer I’ve ever *avoided*, is more like it. It took dozens (if not more) of letters like Tricia’s before I was worn down enough to respond publicly and not only privately. It’s a hard thing to be asked how to keep someone around who, in my opinion, is not worth keeping around. But my job, as I see it, is to give the information even if I don’t like something about the information or situation. So this article finally happened.
Dear Vincent— If only more folks did ‘interventions’ with their friends, I wonder what the social landscape would look like. Would it be littered with the detritus of doomed relationships—or the remains of legitimate friendships? Although the former is hoped, the latter seems likely. That would make for an interesting study in itself.
As for a woman who made you miserable with jealousy-inducing behaviors, my guess per science is that she felt that she was more invested in the relationship than you were, and she was testing the bond. Most women who intentionally create jealousy are doing that (see article linked above on jealousy). My second guess is that she was in part correct that you weren’t *that* into her. What do you think?
And so, Vincent, to your core question: Should men pursue the same strategies as women—or are men kind of above all that? Are women the only catty ones—or should they be? When men are in Tricia’s position—knowing someone else is making a play for their partner, and that the partner may be (or is) reciprocating—what do they do?
Well, as I said to Gillian (below), valuable mates can be tough to find and harder to keep, so if a guy thinks his mate is worth having, he’s very unlikely to go gently into that good night and just let someone else take her away.
A lot of the strategies used by men and women are highly similar, with predictable spins.
Be Vigilant:
Both sexes become highly vigilant—but men are MUCH more likely to become highly violent. Male jealousy is the top threat to female life everywhere in the world, for females aged 15-appx 55—the fertile years during which men are most consumed with paternity assurance (making sure the kids are genetically theirs and not a rival’s). As Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist, has pointed out, we live and die for love. What evolutionary psychologist David Buss demonstrates more clearly is that it’s mostly men doing the killing—both of rivals, and of mates.
Like women, men also have a version of vigilance that Buss terms ‘physical signs of possession’, such as holding his partner closer when a rival is in sight~a legal, socially acceptable, and effective alternative to violence and stalking.
Be Wealthy & Generous:
Whereas women—particularly women mated with high-status men—ramp up their appearance so as to keep a mate, men ramp up their ambition and resources to encourage their mate to stick around. And that’s a good idea, because a top reason women defect to be with another man is that the current mate lacks resources, but the future mate can and will provide.
To wit, this very sad LoveScience Survey response from a man age 25+:
“An old flame went for my at-the-time fiancée…at the time I was naive enough to think that my love really was all she wanted. Now I am painfully well aware that love alone does not a marriage make. He was simply better situated in life at the time, and I was simply out-manned. She made her choice, and as devastating to me as it was, it was the right one for her. And as I truly did want her to be as happy as I could make her, and still do, I do not begrudge her her choice. That said, it took me a very long time to ever allow myself to be vulnerable in any relationship again (several years). In fact, I was married for five years before I could allow myself to believe that the marriage was in fact stable…I was convinced that it was going to end with me getting my emotional guts ripped out. I’ve heard that science is actually now showing that a painful break-up can have health consequences that are as real and traumatic and lasting as getting into a car accident. I know that to be true. The pain was by far the worst I have ever been through.”
Be Catty:
Women aren’t the only ones. Around the world, men, too, tell lies about their rivals to discourage their mates’ possible attraction to The Other Man. But whereas women tend to lie about stuff men care about, such as fidelity and fecundity, men tend to lie about stuff women care about, such as resources. A man trying to dissuade his partner’s interest in another guy might say something like, “He borrowed that car to pick up women; I know for a fact he’s flat broke.”
And men and women alike are good at two things integral to Cattiness: a) knowing what their partner values in a mate, and b) making sure to denigrate the rival on precisely those aspects.
Be Jealous?:
Men, too, not only get jealous—it’s an adaptation important for both sexes, since guarding against mate poachers affects men and women alike—but some men (few, relative to the number of women using jealousy) try to create jealousy to bring a partner closer. In Buss’ research, for instance, men admitted to talking to another woman at a party for the express purpose of making the primary partner jealous, and/or showing interest in other women for that reason.
But creating jealousy usually doesn’t work as well for men as for women. Why not? Well, straight men are being judged on the basis of their ability and also willingness to provide and protect. A man who’s running away can appear to be lacking in the Willingness department—a huge turn-off for women.
Be Creative:
Of course, there are ways to trash a rival’s chances that I’ve not dealt with in the article your question is based on. People are highly creative when it comes to making sure their mate sticks around. You can see that just from the wide array of responses at the Survey. Full responses to question #3—what people did when their own relationship was threatened by a rival—appear at the end of today’s post.
That said, it interested me that men, more than women, are likely to use love and care as a strategy to keep a mate. Because women value signs of commitment (aka Willingness), one of the most effective things a guy can do is just to be loving.
(Women apparently either show commitment more than guys in general, or perhaps are just presumed—usually correctly—to value commitment anyway. As evolutionary psychology has long demonstrated, any quality where there’s little variability will not be too informative or important in mating decisions. If most women value commitment, then women’s showing commitment won’t be something men use to differentiate among women. So being more loving is not necessarily a strategy routinely employed by women.)
And men are a lot more likely than women are to conceal a partner—literally try to hide her away from the world, forbidding her to speak or be near other men. Indeed, there are entire cultures where mate concealment is the law—cultures in which women aren’t permitted out of the house unless it is with the express permission or accompaniment of a genetically related male. But in all those cultures, it’s only the women who are hidden, and the laws are written solely by the men. It’s paternity certainty legislated. And women imprisoned.
Shocker? Men—not women—are most likely to use emotional manipulation to keep a partner. In Buss’ textbook, he points out that men “tended to use acts of submission and self-abasement more than women. For example, more men than women reported groveling and saying that they would do anything their partner wanted to get the partner to stay in the relationship.” (p. 344 of ‘Evolutionary Psychology’, third edition, Chapter 11: Conflict Between the Sexes, by David M. Buss).
And the more attractive and young—that is, reproductively viable—a man’s mate is, the more he uses “partner concealment, emotional manipulation, verbal signals of possession (e.g., indicating that the woman was ‘my wife’), possessive ornamentation (e.g., insisting that she wear his ring), intrasexual threats, and violence against rival men….These results held even after statistically controlling for other variables, such as the length of the relationship and the age of the husband (p. 345).”
Again it comes down to what men want—youth, beauty and fidelity—and what women want—willing and able provision and protection. The Smoke Alarm and the strategies for Putting Out The Fire map back onto those with startling regularity.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to say all that, Vincent. Upshot? I probably would have given the same advice to a guy in Tricia’s situation. Ultimately, though, it seems people have highly developed mechanisms for dealing with mate poachers themselves. Some of them may be vile, but all have ‘worked’ at times. Which is probably why they’re still around.
For anyone wanting to know more about any aspect of mate poaching or jealousy or ways to deal with interlopers, I highly recommend David Buss’ book on the topic:
The Dangerous Passion: Why jealousy is as necessary as love and sex.
From Gillian: —What If Tricia & Dave had children?—
I like the article, especially the advice at the end.
I’m assuming Tricia and Dave have no children together because none are mentioned. If children are part of the equation, would your advice be different …?
Duana’s response:
Hi, Gillian,
Good to hear from you again. What’s interesting to me is that Buss’ and others’ data are from couples who are dating, couples who are married, couples who have kids, couples who don’t, couples who are young, couples who are older…yet with all that diversity, the responses about getting rid of a rival are rather similar. Just as with our Survey respondents, the array of strategies ‘varies from vigilance to violence’ (Buss’ words).
Good mates are hard to find and can be even harder to keep; folks in the know don’t simply hand them over to a rival.
So I would have given the same advice if the situation were identical but children were involved, with one caveat; I would have been slower —much, much slower— to dismiss the primary relationship between Dave and Tricia, simply because more people were counting on it and children with two committed, in-home, loving parents tend to do so much better in so many ways than those without. As a recent NYT article put it, “a growing body of research indicates that no other parental arrangement, from single motherhood to cohabitation to shared custody, affords as many social, economic and emotional advantages as being raised by two biological parents joined in a lifelong commitment.” (From ‘Gay Parents & The Marriage Debate’, here: http://douthat.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/11/gay-parents-and-the-marriage-debate/). Everything I know about the research backs that up.
But Dave and Tricia are not only childless—they’ve been together just a short while. Given what’s known about future cheating when cheating has occurred early on, I think she’s best off if she dumps the chump.
From Two Of Us Dating: Dump The Chump:
My thoughts on this are, if you’re feeling this way this soon into the relationship, things won’t most likely change. I myself had an ex like this, and the lies and deceit weren’t worth the emotions that I was going through.
Good Luck to you!!
Duana’s response:
Dear Two Of Us:
Well said through the voice of experience. Agreed!
From Gillian: —Dump The Chump, & The Best Predictor Of Future Behavior Is Past Behavior—
This reminds me of a book and movie (The Nanny Diaries) where the rich, socialite wife discovered her husband cheating. Instead of dumping him or spreading rumors to get rid of his mistress, the wife feigned a pregnancy and enlisted the help of her mother-in-law to start preparing the nursery. This worked to save her marriage temporarily, but ultimately the wife realized her husband wasn’t worth being married to. The kicker? This was the husband’s second marriage. The wife herself had started out as his mistress!
As heartbreaking as it is, Tricia has been blessed to see Dave’s true colors sooner rather than later. I vote to dump him.
However, I likewise vote that when children are involved, the chumps should be dumped with much less speed and much more care.
I guess my point is that husbands should be thoroughly vetted before marriage. If they have a history of disloyalty, violence, or selfishness, run. What he has done to another, he will do to you.
Agree?
And besides, I would feel sick about myself if I slandered another person. It’s just not worth it. How awful the day I wake up to realize I piled garbage on another woman (Megan) in order to keep a pile of garbage (Dave) for myself. Stinks.
Though I suppose this is what makes the Tudor-era novels (ala Henry VIII) so much fun to read. The juicy court intrigue mostly centers around catty women (and some men) telling lies about the other women in order to keep their power and position. Of course that is from a time when a woman’s power depended upon the man to whom she was attached. Fortunately today women who have good educations and marketable career skills can walk away from that.
The article doesn’t mention if Tricia is in school (?) If she’s not, she should be. And at the best school possible to meet (and vet) Mr. Right.
Thanks for your patience with my ramblings. I really like your article.
Duana’s response: —Don’t Worry, Be Catty—
Gillian, thanks. It is really great to hear your voice back on site again; it had been a while and I missed it/you. “I guess my point is that husbands should be thoroughly vetted before marriage. If they have a history of disloyalty, violence, or selfishness, run. What he has done to another, he will do to you.”
Exactly. Increasingly, research shows that the most important decision any of us will make in adulthood is our choice of marriage partner; it will have a greater impact on our happiness and the stability of future generations than any other choice we make. A guy who’s a chump from the start is extremely unlikely to become a champ later on.
Choose wisely~and the best basis for wise choice is the prospective partner’s past behavior. It’s psychology’s Law: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior in a similar situation. To ignore this is to ignore the very best clue any of us has.
So I agree, agree, and agree.
The only part I have any issue with at all is your statement that you’d be sick if you slandered another person. I agree with you in Tricia’s case; besmirching Tricia’s own character is hardly worth doing to defend someone so unworthy.
But otherwise? I spent a few days thinking about your comment, and I could easily be catty if it were to defend the basis for my entire life; the amount of time I would spend feeling bad about it? I hope would be zero. If a few words would get rid of a rival, I’d say them and write it off as the cost the rival pays for getting in the way of a relationship she should have stayed out of to begin with.
Being Catty is demonstrably one of the most expedient, effective, and low-cost routes towards protecting the relationship that is at the core of not just one’s own personal happiness, but the future happiness and stability of one’s children. When one’s mate, often one’s very foundation for nearly every life decision and all security for oneself and one’s progeny, is on the line, slander would be among the least expensive options. It isn’t pretty, but neither is a broken home—and the latter is so much more costly in every way.
Upshot?
Tricia’s finished with school, but she’s worth more than this fool. She has the degree, now she’d do best to flee. (And we’re lucky I tend to avoid poetry.)
SURVEY RESPONSES TO QUESTION #3:
“If you answered Yes (to whether a rival had tried to get between you and your significant other), please tell me more about the situation, what you did in response, and whether you got the outcome you wanted.”
Woman age 45+—I try to be up front about my concerns, my fears, my own insecurities, and trust that my partner will shut down anyone outside our relationship. I don’t feel the need to intervene beyond that, because I trust that he’s not encouraging that attention. I guess if I thought he was encouraging it, I might feel differently.
Woman age 25+—I didn’t take much action because I knew he wasn’t interested in the person. It was an ex-girlfriend whom he was not attracted to anymore. She attempted to contact him but he refused to meet with her and he generally distanced himself from contact with her. I didn’t say much to him - I listened to his “complaints” and was supportive. I didn’t badmouth her and I was sympathetic but distanced myself from the situation. Had I gotten signals that he was interested, or curious, then I would have acted differently.
Woman age 35+—I honestly thought I was about to start a cat fight.
Woman age 35+—I talked to my partner about it and decided on a plan of how to respond that worked for both of us. Trust is important…and it has to be fostered. Even if there wasn’t a real play or pursuit, it helped to devise a response together.
Woman age 35+—discovered multiple affairs - divorced him!
Woman age 65+—My husband said he was going to meet one of his business associates for lunch, and my antennae went out as this was something totally out of the norm for him. At a recent party, I had witnessed one of his business associates definitely making a play for him…right in front of me! So, when he returned from the aforementioned luncheon, I asked him point-blank if he had met so-and-so for lunch; he very sheepishly replied that he had. I let him know in no uncertain terms that “that dog was not going to hunt”, and that put an end to it.
Man age 25+—An old flame went for my at-the-time fiancée…at the time I was naive enough to think that my love really was all she wanted. Now I am painfully well aware that love alone does not a marriage make. He was simply better situated in life at the time, and I was simply out-manned. She made her choice, and as devastating to me as it was, it was the right one for her. And as I truly did want her to be as happy as I could make her, and still do, I do not begrudge her her choice. That said, it took me a very long time to ever allow myself to be vulnerable in any relationship again (several years). In fact, I was married for five years before I could allow myself to believe that the marriage was in fact stable…I was convinced that it was going to end with me getting my emotional guts ripped out. I’ve heard that science is actually now showing that a painful break-up can have health consequences that are as real and traumatic and lasting as getting into a car accident. I know that to be true. The pain was by far the worst I have ever been through.
Woman age 35+—Of course, our mates are human and might enjoy an occasional flirt. I have no problem with that as long as the bond between us is strong. But when it crosses the line — when the flirt continues at every function the two of them attend, when I see glances that linger, I’ll mention it. And I have. My ex-husband had a very flirtatious relationship with a co-worker. She was pretty and younger and had a fabulous rack (let’s just be honest — that was intimidating). I tried to play along, but at one dinner they simply crossed the line. I can’t even tell you what it was, but I could tell that it was no longer innocent. I told him that it made me uncomfortable, and instead of acknowledging that and taking steps to ensure our bond was getting stronger while theirs was superficial, he grudgingly, loudly, took the steps I asked of him — and no more. He tried to make me feel guilty for questioning him. That was very early in our marriage, and it was just a preview for the whole 15 year event. I’m now in a relationship in which I know things are very different. We’ve had events where something made me uncomfortable (not a flirtation — I honestly can’t remember exactly what it was) :), I told him, and he immediately took steps to ease my discomfort. He did it willingly - happily - because he never wanted me to feel uncomfortable in our relationship. That’s what is supposed to happen, and it’s wonderful. :)
Woman age 35+—Warned my partner.
Woman age 35+—His ex-wife was still in prison. He started visiting her and taking their children to see her. He managed to confuse himself about which one of us he wanted, and I told him that at some point he would have to make a choice: One of us would be his wife, and the other his friend. I did not make it an ultimatum; I don’t react well when people do that to me, so I don’t do it to others. I made it clear that I was giving him only the facts, but that I would not be “the other woman.” He dropped me like a hot brick when she got out of prison. I fought as hard as I could to talk him out of it, but he wouldn’t listen. There’s a lot more to the story - a LOT of emotional baggage on his part - but those are the basic facts. It angered me because at first she said she didn’t want anything to do with him, that it was over between them, but apparently she figured out that she could use him again. With time and perspective, I know I’m better off without him, but I keep thinking about it because we could have been so happy together. He’s just so emotionally damaged he couldn’t see it.
Woman age 65+—He and his ex were ‘the best of friends’ but he assured me repeatedly that there was nothing intimate in their friendship. I believed him till he and his ‘best friend’ planned a weekend trip to Las Vegas for his birthday—a weekend to which I was not invited. When I suggested the ex might have designs on re-establishing the relationship, he became enraged over my jealousy.
Man age 45+—More than one situation. Chose to trust my partner, period. That gave me about an 80% failure rate.
Woman age 25+—A good looking female was talking to my partner at a bar and started doing the playful things that I would do when we were courting, ex. Light hitting, hair flipping, touching his arm, etc. I walked over to him, held his hand and introduced myself. If she was a friend he knew previously, I didn’t want to make assumptions. She introduced herself and left shortly thereafter. I feel I made my point in a non-confrontational way.
Woman age 35+—I made sure my partner knew, I knew what the pursuer was doing. Next time we were together, I made it well known that we were happy by showing extra affection and making affectionate comments. I ensured that they NEVER got the opportunity to spend time alone together.
Woman age 25+—There was a woman at his job who used my husband as a sounding board because her marriage was having issues. So at first he was her emotional support. She started wearing shorter skirts and more revealing blouses. She was very nice to me. But I know my hubby can’t resist a skirt, and I think she knew it…. “oops I dropped my pen”. So one day he confessed to me that he had masturbated to the thought of her. That hurt me, but it could have been a lot worse. He could have acted on her. I don’t think she would have held back. She was already throwing herself at him. They were smoke buddies. I didn’t blow up. I did let him know I was hurt. I told him I wanted them to quit hanging out together. I reversed the situation so he could see how it would affect him. It took him a few months to break the ties, so she didn’t freak out. She was known to be the type of girl to get a guy in trouble at work and get him fired if you pissed her off. So he had to do it carefully. He actually quit smoking with me which gave him an even bigger reason to not go out with her. She moved on and he was free from her without any strings attached, no harm done and his still has his job and reputation. I always reverse the scenario. If you can catch it in time before the real harm is done you can play this card. It is hard to trust again. After several years I trust him 98%. There is no need for high school drama of yelling and screaming, that pushes them away, leaving him to think you are psychotic. After all, we are adults, talking it out is always best, besides what if you slipped up one day. How would you want them to handle you?
Woman age 35+—My husband’s ex-wife was trying to get him back. She would call him up to ten times a day and she would have the kids beg him to come home and live with her. I came over for a few days and she didn’t know I was going to be there. She made another one of her calls and I answered the phone. I asked her, “Do you keep calling David and asking him to come back to you?” She stayed quiet for a while, seemingly in shock that I would ask this. I then told her to only call him regarding the children and to quit begging him to come back to her. He was with me now and she was the one that made the choice to end the marriage. She had to live with that choice. A few days later, the kids came over and his daughter, age 5 at the time, asked me why I told her mom to never call her dad again. I told the daughter that the conversation I had with her mother was between adults and that I did not tell her never to call her dad again. When she was older, if she wanted to revisit this we would discuss it.
Woman age 35+—I assertively stepped in and attempted to redirect the conversation and ultimately end it in hopes the woman would go away.
Woman age 35+—….The old man’s ex-fiancée decided she wanted him back. Compounding the problem was the fact that she was now/then working for my ex-best friend’s company, and they two of them decided to collude on this issue. They started by spreading a rumour that got right back to my mother that I was hooking…And then it escalated from there. I called in a favour with an old friend and had her current boyfriend arrested on an ages old warrant. He had legally changed his name, and the warrant was for a couple of misdemeanor charges, so no one really bothered to put any effort into it. At least, not until they were given a specific address. Then I tipped off the other board members of her mother’s very Catholic charity committee that she was, in fact, a flaming lesbian…I don’t care about anyone’s sexuality…But the Catholic charity sure did. [I continued making her life a living hell by calling various entities that could and did wreck her auto loans, business, job, etc.]. After all that, the ex found that she just had too much going on in her life to pursue my husband. Poor thing….
Woman, age 45+—Yes I have. Boyfriend was two timing us BOTH, as it turned out. Nice. A clean break is the only way to go.
Woman age 35+—Sure. Many times. I just let it happen while giving knowing looks to my spouse, and find a way giggle with him about it later. My husband is hot. Really, I think that you have to deal with this on the “investment end” by continuing to be actively interested in your partner, and actively interesting to him. And then don’t be shocked when someone makes a play. It’s going to happen and it’s probably not HIS fault (unless it is and that’s an entirely different problem). Recognizing the play for what it is has always (seemed) to work for me because (I think) he doesn’t feel berated for something that’s not his fault, and it impresses upon him that not only do I think he’s sexy, but plenty of others do, too. I think continuing to feel good about yourself helps you to be actually happy in your relationship, and reduces the likelihood of cheating.
Woman age 45+—My husband was approached and started an online relationship with a woman. My response was to confront him with the information and tell him to end the relationship or the marriage.
Man, age 18+—Funny story, it was actually an ex of mine pursuing my partner! My response probably wasn’t the best. I confronted the interloper directly and threatened to ruin his reputation with mutual friends of ours.
Woman age 35+—I was a newlywed, and my husband’s family hired this nubile, hot, single, openly flirtatious woman to work in the family business. Goody, she’d be working side by side with him every day. She made no bones about showing she thought the sun shone out his backside. She flirted with him in front of me, tried to be alone with him whenever possible, and touched him on the arm or draped an arm around him when she could. He had this deer in headlights look about him, as if he were confused but drawn toward the light. I wasn’t having it. I know someone’s bound to say “If they want to stray then they’re going to and nothing you can do will stop it,” but I’m calling bull on that. This was not some casual interest of mine, this was MY HUSBAND. I didn’t give up on him, or me, or us, but I decided to get rid of her. I put in a bad word about her work and personal habits with his parents who owned the business. I told my husband that she was flirting and I wanted him to avoid being alone with her. He thought I was overreacting but he did as I asked. I dropped in at work and spent time with her. She didn’t last long. This was the only time I was jealous and it didn’t happen again and that was in 1998. Yes I got the outcome I wanted.
Cheers,
Duana
Related LoveScience articles:
—The article on which this Q&A is based: How to get rid of a rival: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-get-rid-of-a-rival-survey-says.html
—Various LS articles about affair prevention:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/affair-prevention
—Various LS articles about affair recovery:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/affair-recovery
—How men (more than women) can effectively use signs of love and affection and commitment to keep a mate/prevent infidelity:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html
—Various LoveScience articles about jealousy:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/display/Search?moduleId=9130610&searchQuery=jealousy
—How women win back a man with jealousy:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/winning-him-backwith-jealousy.html
—Women, men, and ‘just Friends’: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/can-men-and-women-really-be-just-friendsand-nothing-more.html andhttp://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-can-men-and-women-really-be-just-friends.html
—The male brain in love: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-wait-for-sex-dumb-like-a-fox.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
David M. Buss, for his global research on sex differences in fending off a would-be mate poacher, plus his books on Jealousy, Mating Psychology, and text on Evolutionary Psychology.
Shirley Glass, for her decades-long scientific studies of how affairs happen, why, how to move past them, and how to prevent them to start with. Her book NOT ‘Just Friends’ is a must for anyone fearful of or struggling with an affair or its aftermath—including the person who had the affair.
The NYTimes, for this article on which family structure best serves children: http://douthat.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/11/gay-parents-and-the-marriage-debate/
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Reader Comments (2)
Well, I am sorry I missed participating in this survey. You know I have things to say on this topic, and are in your files. :-)
I feel completely validated by your view of jealousy being necessary for Spidey-senses. Jealousy has always previously been demoted in importance as an undesirable behavior on the the part of the jealous person, rather than a response (as I believe and know) to potential mate poaching. In fact, I have never been needlessly jealous, and didn't consider myself a jealous person - my jealous behavior was always brought about by circumstances that required it. After jealousy subsided, I have been able to maintain calm vigilance in determining inappropriate attention toward my husband (sometimes due to him just being a "nice guy"). My husband might call it "projection," though, and starts to worry about *my* behavior, lol.)
It is unfortunate that love, a lifetime together, and shared children cannot sometimes protect a relationship from a poacher (Rielle Hunter). But they are out there, and they want what we have.
Jackie, thank you for writing in. I'm glad you found this validating. It's time jealousy got its due as not a weakness--but a strength, helping us to know it's time to protect our cherished mateships.