Q&A from "How To Be Your Mate's Best Friend"
Wise Readers:
What happens if your mate tells you Everything—and it’s a sexual turn-off? Does better Friendship actually *cause* passion to exit the building? Why do men resist asking their guy friends for help? How can women help their guys find more friends—and why do a lot of women object when men actually do have friends? How do you get people to act on your advice? And what if you’re that rare couple with NO problems? (Is there such a thing?!)
Read on!
From Lynn (Not My Real Name): —My Husband Tells Me Everything. And Now I’m Sexually Turned Off.—
The more I am friends with my husband the more I know about his weakness that is a turn off to me. He has trouble at his work and is almost losing his job and I don’t want to have sex with him.
I think that is the reason because I secretly think a part of me thinks he is weak. I would like to make love with him when he is acting strong but if he sort of breaks down about his work and won’t stand up for himself there and tells me he is scared of losing his job and afraid he can’t do it, I am sad for him but turned off to sex.
I am confused about this because they say we should let men have their feelings but when he gets vulnerable on me I feel turned off.
I would like to have the mind-blowing sex like you say friendship brings (below), but getting to be closer friends with my husband doesn’t seem to be working that well for me. I am hoping to find a suggestion here. Thank you.
Duana’s response:
Dear Lynn, Your note is not the first I’ve had on the topic, and sadly, I’ll bet it’s not the last. Especially when jobs are hard to get and hard to keep, the mixed emotions you both have are going to arise.
We women say we want our men to be totally emotionally vulnerable…but then, if that vulnerability shows weakness in an area women are primed to prize, we reward our guys by feeling less into them. Sometimes, we even “trade up” by ditching them for another, more successful man; apparently, it’s a worldwide reality.
The whys and wherefores of your sexual psychology are addressed in this article:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/men-as-success-objects-or-why-a-mans-job-is-to-have-a-good-j.html
The upshot is this: Women’s mating psychology, like men’s, is inherited from what helped our ancient ancestors survive and reproduce. Yet though we share those core tasks, the sexes meet the survive/procreate challenges via different strategies. So although men and women value and desire a partner who is loyal, kind, loving, and about as smart as we ourselves are—past that point, men and women have some reliable differences in what we want.
For various reasons discussed in the article just linked, women everywhere are sexually attracted to men who possess both the *willingness* and the *ability* to provide and protect.
Now, your husband is clearly willing. He married you, and it sounds like he loves you—men rarely open up much otherwise.
But when he begins speaking about his insecurity on the job, it sends your mating psychology into a tailspin: What if he isn’t *able* to provide anymore?
If there is a great suggestion as to how you can be totally transparent with your mate, and he with you, without your getting turned off by the job insecurity…I’m unaware of what it is.
But here are my imperfect ideas.
1. Read that article. It will help you to understand where your own mating psychology and his comes from, and why you’re turned off and he’s scared. Your emotions aren’t your fault—you inherited them—and his aren’t his fault, either. A man’s desirability is somewhat measured by his ability to provide, and your guy is worried he might be found wanting. He probably has no-one to talk with about this but you.
Just becoming conscious of the origins of your many feelings may help you to feel a bit less “ick” as you hear about your husband’s employment insecurities. Perhaps this new self-awareness will give you a bit (not a lot, but a bit) of choice about how far you let yourself go with the inherited, knee-jerk mating desires from now on.
2. It does not sound like you’re considering telling your husband what a turn-off his job insecurity is. Good plan.There’s no need to make him feel even worse than he already does.
3. Take the long view of your marriage. Long-term relationships are cyclical. People go through waxing and waning of passion and many other emotions. Right now, your husband is anxious about something that pushes your buttons in a very non-sexual way.
It may be that the most expedient thing is to acknowledge that right now is not going to be the time where you feel hot for your husband. But that does not mean you won’t feel it again—later, when the job crisis has passed.
You might also get some satisfaction from inwardly acknowledging that you’re doing something noble and important for your man and your marriage. At various points in a good marriage, partners do ‘carry’ one another; for instance, men’s turn-off switch tends to flip when women lose our looks, because it conveys low fertility value and feels “ick” to guys; but if you lost some of your hotness, you’d need your mate to stand by you now. Right?
This is your turn. It ain’t sexy…but it’s what Friends do. Embrace your role as the source of solace and strength right now. The devotion you’ll build is predictable, the ultimate reward great.
Cheers,
Duana
Tom’s response:
Dr. D. understands men, and I think it’s more than just the science talking ;-) Much appreciated.
Vincent’s response:
@Lynn - not my real name— Your note about your husband’s “weakness” and his job fear(s) struck a chord for me. Dr. D. talked about the evolutionary reason, which makes a great deal of sense.He is afraid of not being able to “provide & protect” and you are afraid of not having a “provider & protector”.
But I also sense a lack of respect from you toward your husband now. Is that since the job fear, or has there been other things leading up to this with the job making the situation more dramatic for you? You don’t need to answer, I just wanted to point out my unprofessional observation.
I too suffer from the anxiety of losing my job. I am sure there are many men & women in the job market today with the same fear. I cannot speak for others, but I know for myself there is only one cure for my anxiety and that is to “have a plan”.Talking to my wife, or a psychologist or taking meds may mask things, but I will still have my anxiety since there is no plan of action. I do not know if this is part of the man’s evolution that says if I cannot protect, how can I “flee”.
Maybe the answer to your husband’s fear is simply to look at the options systematically and devise a plan, something you can do together. Then maybe he can focus on the plan rather than on the doom. He can become the protector getting his family out of a dangerous situation and find a new cave to provide & protect again. AND YOU get your caveman back. I wish you both good fortune in finding that friendship that it sounds you both would benefit from.
Duana’s response:
Dear Vincent, I *love* your advice to Lynn. I hope she’s reading this, because there’s a lot in what you said. Sometimes, we all just need to talk about our problems and not have our mate step in with a solution. Sympathy is what’s wanted.
However, as a problem drags out—such as the chronic fear of losing a job—I think you’re right that having a solid contingency plan can alleviate some anxiety and bring a couple closer. Men, especially, are noted for wanting solutions and *not* being okay with only processing feelings. Thank you for your perspective that my answer missed.
From Anonymous: —Does Being Your Mate’s Best Friend Ruin The Passion? The Mystery & Excitement Seem Over In My Relationship.—
My relationship over time has transitioned from deep passion to something like best friends. We hang out a lot, go places, talk about life etc., but because of that I think the passion has taken a back seat. After a while, we just knew everything about each other and which took away the mystery and excitement. It has become difficult to hold both paradigms at the same time. It seems either a relationship has hot passion based off the mystery and uncertainty or deep friendship based off connection and mutual understanding. How does one go about having both?
Duana’s response:
Dear Anonymous, Passion—the intense longing for union with another—has been studied, and there’s even a questionnaire researchers such as Hatfield & Walster have used to measure it; here it is:
http://www.elainehatfield.com/Passionate%20Love%20Scale.pdf
As you can see by reading through these validated questions, there is definitely something to your idea that to some degree, passion rests on less-than-total knowledge of one’s partner. In the beginning, the uncertainty itself is part of the fire in the sexual furnace; not only do you not yet know all your partner’s likes and dislikes, but you don’t even know for sure whether this person you’re madly in love with will always be yours. You long for that certainty and reassurance, and are devastated if it’s not forthcoming.
But once union is achieved and certainty and assurance are well underway…well, it makes little sense to continue longing for what you’ve at long last got!
However, simple ignorance and un-ease is not entirely at the heart of why passion exists or fades. And simply remaining ignorant of one another’s commitment level or the details of each other’s lives would not keep the passion alive.
Passion, at the outside, seems to last about 2 years, and it’s rather biochemical. Basically, when we fall in love, we are high—just on our own endorphins instead of street drugs. And as with street drugs, our bodies develop a tolerance.
Which means we can’t stay high on another person forever. Not gonna happen. (Rare exceptions apply; if anyone out there is such an exception, I recommend buying a lotto ticket right now, because you have some very odd luck. And also, I urge you to avoid substance abuse, because you really could get high to the exclusion of everything else in life.)
On the other hand, once that initial high has mellowed as it must, Friendship is absolutely vital to keeping the sexual fires aflame.
Research shows that couples who maintain their Friendship are better, more frequent lovers with better sexual response. Simply put, they have more fun in bed, more often. It’s not just the case that great sex helps the Friendship—it’s more accurate to say that the high quality of Friendship creates and sustains intimate, mind-blowing sex (as Gottman and others have discerned in their research).
And as another Love Science column covered, this is especially true for women—about 2/3 of whom report orgasming every time with their husband, whereas 2/3 of those who are merely hooking up report *not* orgasming…ever!
So, Anonymous, back to your question: How do you have passion with the person you’re in a long-term relationship with?
Well, first it helps to accept the distinction between living in the altered-and-drugged state of passion, versus living a normal life where you have moments of great sexual union with the person you love. Expecting to live in perpetual bliss…only disappoints.
On the other hand, expecting to be able to share a truly intimate life with a person you love who is also your best friend—and having great sex be a part of that—is highly realistic. Among happy couples, it’s more than realistic; it’s normative.
After that, it’s really about continuing to make time and space for sexuality to unfold so you can renew your sexual maps with one another just as you renew the maps tied to Friendship. Here’s an article that includes some material about stoking fires that may have burned a bit low in the boudoir:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sos-save-our-sexlife-or-do-it-yourself-sex-therapy-when-your.html
Anonymous, thank you for entrusting me with a great question. I hope this helped. And I hope you’ll come back soon.
Me’s response:
I agree with Anonymous 100%!! I feel the same way! I don’t want to have sex with my friend. I want to have sex with my LOVER. I think this is why kings took mistresses. The wife was for the necessary children, political alliance, etc. and she could be a confidant and friend. But sex was for the mistress.
Duana’s response:
Dear Me! Men’s desire for variety is exceedingly well-documented and has been covered in a few articles here; this link leads to one you might like:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-wait-for-sex-dumb-like-a-fox.html
Other than that, all I can say is, you’re entitled to want as much strange as you can get your hands on. I just hope you’ll be careful to find a long-term partner (if you are aiming for that) who shares your feelings about it!
From BFF: —I’m My Husband’s *Only* Friend. How Do I Help Him Make More?—(And: Why Women Object To Their Man’s Time With Friends)
My spouse is my best friend, and I’m totally on board with your comments. Particularly the thought about chores - this is something we learned about ourselves from The 5 Love Languages. For both of us, emptying the dishwasher or doing other little chores is a little way to say, “I love you”.
However, and this may be the stuff of another post, one of my concerns is that he does not have any friends outside of our marriage. He is more introverted than I am, and he used to have friends when we were younger, but after 20+ years together, I am his only friend. I have lots of friends and do a fair bit of socializing with other women.
This is a concern in part because I have seen what happens to men when they lose their wives, and their wives are their only friends. It’s totally devastating. Not that losing a spouse is ever NOT devastating, but the men don’t recover. Women seem to bounce back better when they lose a spouse, and my observation is that it’s because women tend to surround themselves with friends and family.
What can we BFFs do to encourage our husbands to get out of the house and hang out with the guys every once in a while?
It’s funny, because the story line is always that young guys don’t want to get married because their wives won’t “let” them go out, but most wives I know WISH their husbands would get out of the house more!
Duana’s response:
Dear BFF, Based on your and others’ recommendations, I bought and read Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages “ this week.
I usually avoid non-research-based books because they’re wrong as often as right, and therefore their areas of rightness can mislead folks about all the rest. But in this case—I agree with you, it’s wonderful. Essentially, it’s a crash course in how to figure out specifically what actions would mean the most to your mate—and then how to do those actions to create Friendship that keeps love alive. It’s not based in any research Chapman did, but it’s 100% accurate per all the science others have done. Thank you for pointing out this great book.
Now to your other observations. Yes, men tend to have fewer friends than women, and far greater grief upon the loss of a mate. If you’re really not only your husband’s best friend, but his only friend, he would indeed be devastated at losing you. And you’re very kind to consider this, far in advance.
So—how to get him out of the house? Find out what he likes to do, and get him into a club where there are guys who do that. Guys typically bond by doing or competing, not by discussing. So send him someplace where the point is to get something done. If he likes football, send him to a sports bar where there will be a group of guys who also root for his team. If he’s into cars, find a group that is organized around whatever aspect of vehicles interests him. You get the drift.
The more interesting issue to me is *why* men don’t have more friends—and women do. I think this stems from our ancient inherited psychology, where women benefited (in terms of our and our kids’ survival) by maintaining friendships; other scientists refer to this as “tending and befriending”. To the extent we’re successful in getting a group of helpful sister-types around us, we’re supporting our Man’s Genes passing forward as well. So guys theoretically shouldn’t mind our friendships too much. And they don’t.
Men are another matter. We women have shaped their mating psychology for eons by choosing men who meet our desires and eschewing those who don’t (they, of course, have shaped our mating psychology!). And this means at least two things for man-man friendships:
1. Male-male friendships will usually be competitive. Women want the men with resources, and competition is the name of that game. Hence the male tendency to get together and do stuff —even if competing or networking as a group— rather than to get together for the purpose of emotional connection.
2. Male-male friendships usually won’t be particularly encompassing or intimate. Since men typically invest all their resources where they love, we women have been quite zealous/jealous about guarding our mate’s emotional energy;many of us may *say* we want him to have more friends, but my guess is a lot of women don’t like it so much when men actually do it.
Regardless, I hope this helps you get your guy to spend a bit more time with other men! Let me know what works for you.
Tom’s response:
” Male-male friendships usually won’t be particularly encompassing or intimate. Since men typically invest all their resources where they love, we women have been quite zealous/jealous about guarding our mate’s emotional energy; many of us may *say* we want him to have more friends, but my guess is a lot of women don’t like it so much when men actually do it.”
OMG, Duana. You are so, so right about this and I thank you for saying it.
I lived the negative side of this when I was married, and now I am beginning to live the positive side of this, being single and really digging a woman who understands how to be a friend. Thankfully, I am learning and finding others who have learned.
Thank you ;-)
Duana’s response:
You’re most welcome, Tom. The more I learn about Evolutionary Psych, the more I feel a kinship with the suspected origins of so many battles of the sexes (and exes). I’m glad you’ve found Friendship on the many levels a good life allows.
Curtis’ response:
I wanted to drop a note to BFF, as a widower myself. I think she is exactly right that having several important relationships is a major factor in having a relatively healthy grieving process.
One thing I would recommend is finding a faith community in which you feel comfortable. Relationships formed there tend to be more nourishing than some others. I moved several hundred miles not long after my wife died, and the relationships I formed at church were integral to my healing even though they all started a few months after she died.
One of the things that I found was that, even though my daughter and I moved, the fact that I was used to building friendships, and used to being emotionally expressive (at least for a guy), that I was more equipped to handle what was still the most painful chapter of my life. So I would say even more than having a particular set of friends, it is just the skill of building friendships of a certain depth and intimacy that is key.
Duana’s response:
Dear Curtis, Thanks for sharing your experience of grieving, and how your faith community and your friendship-building skills helped you through the huge loss of your wife and the mother of your child.
For those who may be searching for a little more information about that, I hope you don’t mind my linking up to two LS articles that specifically discussed men and grief:
Getting Over Her (How to heal a broken heart) http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html
Q&A for Getting Over Her: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html
From Vincent: —Is There Something Evolutionary About My Resistance To Asking Other Men For Help?—
Dr. D.,
Vic sounds like a great guy. I’d want him for myself if I wasn’t straight, oh yeah, and married.
I find it interesting that men don’t do as well finding friendships as women. I am in that boat too. I have friends, but we don’t get together very often. It’s strange, but even when I need help with a project I do not call them for help or vice versa. It is normally at the insistence of my wife when I actually might make the call. Is there something in evolutionary psych about that?
Duana’s response:
Dear Vincent, I am glad you’re straight and married and will therefore not be making a play for my man. It sounds like you’d understand him better than I would, lol.
To answer your question for me about whether evolutionary psychology says something about why you don’t call on your guy friends to help one another:
My best guess, based on the theory, is this. Because it’s well-documented that men live in hierarchy, competing for resources that contribute to your sex appeal, asking for help can place a guy in a “one-down” position relative to other guys, and hence can also put you “one-down” in women’s estimations.
I’m supposing that asking for help from another guy often seems, to the guy doing the asking, as if you’re tacitly admitting that another guy knows more, has more resources or strength, or simply that you can’t do it on your own.
All this said, it’s really important to acknowledge that men have formed coalitions, alliances, and “good ol’ boys’ clubs” forever, in every type of society from hunter-gatherer to post-Industrial. Men who are very successful in organizing other men—politically, for example, or in hunting parties in hunter-gatherer societies—tend to wind up at the top of the heap, not the bottom, when it comes to being desired and controlling resources.
So I don’t think the key is to do everything on one’s own, but to do things collectively in such a way that a man has the opportunity to shine and stand out among the others in some way.
Upshot? Call your friends for help. But sometimes, maybe call them for help when the one who will stand out supremely…is you.
Tom’s response:
Okay, this last bit from Duana to Vincent? About men and how they are?
Spot On. Both of you. Thank you … for voicing what I’ve believed to be true based on personal experiences.
From Brenda: —I’m Not My Husband’s Best Friend, But I’m Trying—
Thanks, Duana, for another insightful column. I am not my husband’s best friend, but I am trying to be. Somehow, after marriage & the birth of our child, our friendship dwindled. We are friends, but not BESTIES. I am working on it, but old habits are hard to break.
At this point in the game, I have to consciously make an effort. I put a heart sticker on my calendar for every day that I make an effort to be a better friend to him. It’s been about a month since I have been doing this and my hubby has already noticed a difference. He, in turn, has been a better friend to me lately. With each passing day, it gets easier and less contrived. Sometimes you have to “fake it ‘til you make it”. Your column really hit home today.
Duana’s response:
Brenda, WOW.
I am beyond impressed that you not only thought of the heart-sticker reminder, but are actually using it so you can become a better Friend to your husband. A lot of people either never would have made Friendship enough of a priority to think that way, or would have felt, as you put it so well, too contrived in so doing.
One thing you wrote about that particularly intrigued me was this: When you started being a better Friend to your husband, he responded by being a better Friend in return. This is what science says will happen—and why, really, it usually only takes one person’s changes to change the tenor of the whole relationship. Since the relationship is an entity formed by two people’s behavior, the behavior shift of just one person will by definition change the relationship itself; the other person usually cannot help but respond.
I hope you are really, truly proud of yourself for creatively and persistently looking for ways to become your mate’s best Friend. My hat’s off to you!
From Carmen: —Living Proof You Don’t Have To Be Perfect At Friendship To Be Best Friends Through Your Golden Years—
What a delightful, fascinating article!! Who knew the *science* of Friendship in a long-term committed relationship had actually been studied? The great news here is that it takes so little to nurture that friendship, and that when more often than not we forget or neglect to do these simple things, IT’s OK. No one is perfect. We just need to keep our Eyes on the Prize.
I vividly recall my sweetie asking me…what about children? How many? What kind of house do you want? All those Maps we were creating, to learn more about one another’s basic ideas & values. And because we continued to communicate about many things, we learned to re-draw those maps along the way. Somehow both of us knew that it’s the Little Things that matter. My honey was not reared in a home in which there were Cards, Flowers, Candy etc…the Love was just there, so understood. Through the years, as I’ve given him cards, he’s become quite the card-giver himself…but all the other frills seem so unnecessary.
We both have learned to thank one another for the everyday things. Making the bed, folding the clothes. mopping the floor…he has begun to do these things since he retired. When he was still working, most of his *chores* involved the yard, the fence, cutting wood, plowing & hoeing the garden. But believe me, when our babies cried through the night, he walked them, he changed them, he was right beside me.
It has taken us longer to realize the importance of paying attention…of acknowledging an *interruption.* I actually did exactly what was recommended just today, after reading the article. “Let me finish sending this message, so our kiddoes will know where we’ll be this weekend”…then I could view the shredded truck belt. I spent many years mistakenly Assuming I knew what he was thinking or why he did something that caused me to be angry, but I finally learned new information regarding communication styles that wised me up.
How do some of us do these things instinctively? Perhaps we’ve had good role models (not necessarily perfect marriages, of course. But we’ve seen our parents work hard to remain friends, as well as sweethearts). I suppose that is another subject entirely. All I know is, we have allowed each other to be Who We Are, to have a life of our own, and still remain close friends. We’re a lucky pair.
Duana’s response:
Dear Carmen, You *are* a lucky pair, and I smiled through your description of the long and happy marriage you and your mate have shared. You’re inspiring.
And in answer to your query, I really don’t know why some people intuitively understand these things about marital Friendship, and others of us must learn them. It’s funny, but having great parental role modeling doesn’t automatically confer this knowledge. Yes, having two loving parents significantly heightens the odds of finding lasting love, but it’s not a guarantee. Some well-raised adults cite the lack of discord in the home as a reason they haven’t found lasting love! To wit, I’ve heard some folks explain their lack of love via their parents’ seemingly perfect love: “I never saw them fight,” or “I have no idea how they worked out their problems,” or, “It looked so easy for them, I never learned to tolerate any issues with anybody.”
I do know that even those least adroit can learn these techniques, though. Thank Gottman for that.
And—True Confessions time here—I need this research and your inspiring story as much as anyone. I think most people never ask the Friendship Question because they don’t know it’s on the menu. It’s like water to a fish—such an omnipresent thing that we’re unaware of Friendship’s real role just as a fish might not know it’s wet.
But fact is, I’ve known of Friendship’s vitality for a long time, and I still didn’t write about it because…well, I feel pretty foolish giving advice I’m not so good at taking. I try to take all my own advice, and I am good at showing appreciation every day. But I let that map slide a lot, and I tend to get pretty caught up in my writing—so much, the world disappears and I have to be physically touched and have my name called before I hear I’m needed.
That said, this article was a wake-up to me to persist in tuning in, turning towards and recognizing again what I said in the article’s dedication: In my case, my husband is the reason things have gone so well. Somehow, he’s known and shown how to be a great Friend. And I love him for leading me there.
From Gillian: —On How To Recognize When A Boyfriend Is/Isn’t Good Lifemate/Friendship Material—
Enjoyed this article immensely. So basic, yet so elusive to so many … self included.
It reminds me of conversations I used to have with my beautiful, diplomatic Southern Grandma who was happily married for 60+ years. When I was dating, she liked to ask me:
“What sort of man is he, dear?”
“Oh, Grandma, he is sooooo good-looking. And he drives a Thunderbird!”
“Yes, but what does he like to do?”
“Shoot ducks, fly airplanes, and water ski.”
“Do you like to do those things?”
“Um … no.”
“Is he helpful?”
“Helpful …?”
“Yes, dear. Like Granddaddy. Would he stop his TV program to come stir the fudge for you?”
Silence. “Mmmm … I don’t think so.”
“Is he a good listener?”
Dead silence.
“I’m wondering, dear. Didn’t he want to come see you in the musical? You worked so hard and performed 4 nights in a row. I don’t recall seeing him there …”
“Grandma, he’s VERY busy.”
“I see, dear.”
Isn’t that interesting? Grandma was a voracious reader, but I have no idea if she read about relationships. Perhaps some people (like your wonderful husband Vic) are more “born” knowing how to be a friend, and the rest of us have to learn it. As Grandma liked to say, “To have a friend, you must BE a friend.”
And so I interrupt this post to go ask my own beloved husband how his day is going. I now see why it lifts his heart and brings a twinkle to his eye when I take the initiative, zone in, be present, and listen. I’ve noticed that listening/taking an interest thing works swimmingly with my 10-year-old, too.
Duana’s response:
Dear Gillian,
I love your grandma. I don’t know that I’ve ever met her, but I love her. What a gentle way she had about her when teaching you what to look for and what not to take. Thanks for your story.
And for any Wise Readers out there who could use a research-based guide towards picking the good ones, here’s a link:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
And the corresponding Q&A link is here:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
From Mocha’s Mom: —How Do You Get People To Take Good Advice?—
First of all, BRILLIANT! Second of all, there are people who will never believe you because they believe that love conquers all. That is, there are a *lot* of folks out there who believe that true loves means the relationship should be effortless, that your partner should just *know* what you want, and the like. (Everybody has moments of expected their partner to be a mind reader, but for some people it’s permanent.)
Duana, if you have ANY ideas about how to get the basic ideas of your column into the thick skull of someone who whines about not having a relationship when they ain’t willing to put in the work, please do post them!!!
In my case, I constantly read posts and comments from people on the autism spectrum who complain “I don’t want to have to have a social life, I just want to find the right person.” As in, I don’t want to have to practice, I just want to know how to play guitar.
So I loooooooooove this column, but it is frustrating to realize how important your point is when I keep running into folks who just don’t (won’t?) get it.
One thing: The set of responses to being interrupted while working on a project is incomplete. You totally forgot about those of us who jut our lower jaws, grunt vigorously, and say, “Do project now! Listen later! You go!” followed my more grunting and waving the spouse away with crude, overhand gestures.
Works every time.
Duana’s response: You Can Lead A Reader To Advice, But…
Dear Mocha’s Mom,
Have you been watching me while Vic interrupts me writing this column?! LOL
Correct: Love is not all you need—just part of it.
Re: getting ideas into thick skulls of folks who whine about no relationship whilst refusing to work on skillz:
—I am a social science maven—not a magician.
—People often act outside of their best long-term interest, in favor of what is comfortable in the moment. Just ask the bar of chocolate currently residing in my innards. Seriously, I’ve had clients who wanted to prevent all pain and were amenable to almost every suggestion—and others who presented their core issue perfectly in Session 1, only to repeat the mistakes over and over the entire time we worked together, as if simply paying me would make it all better. The immediate discomfort of doing something Different—required to solve any problem—can be overshadowed by the immediate reward of doing what was known/craved/comfortable.
—Frequently, Life, aka Natural Consequence, seems to be the best teacher. As in, after people get the results they don’t want for long enough,and the pain of the consequence outweighs the pleasure of what led to it, they become more willing to do whatever it takes to get the results they do want. It’s behaviorism, and it works—but on their schedule, not the adviser’s. The amount of time, pain, and effort vary from person to person.
—If anyone can communicate to those on-spectrum, it will be you and not me, as you are truly the Expert there. But the complaint about needing the right person, sans effort on one’s own part, is ubiquitous. (Major hint that you’re talking with someone who feels this way: Every suggestion you make for finding people is pooh-poohed.) And lots of folks, on-spectrum and off, are introverts who want Mr. or Ms. Right to Appear; there’s even a cultural aphorism that gives them faith: “It’ll happen when you’re not looking.”
There’s also a word for those folks, and that word is, single.
So, what to do? Give the advice, and—hard as it is—step back. There’s another cultural aphorism for those of us who are advice-givers: “You can lead a person to advice, but you can’t make ‘em take it.”
And sometimes, even insight isn’t enough. Freud was the guy who convinced at least two generations of therapists that all their clients needed was insight, and once the clients knew what was ailing them and why—poof! Problem solved. Yet even when people know their own role in a painful personal matter, the insight alone is often ineffective to motivate needed Change.
Which brings us back to what people really do: Go through pain and experience until willing to make the Change. For many people, this may be very soon indeed. For others, it can be years…or never.
Ultimately, adults get the choice to live their own lives, within the laws and parameters set by society. Even when it makes them very unhappy. You’re fantastic at writing in a witty, engaging way about practical matters that assist people who are on-spectrum. You’re doing what you can, and it helps a lot of people.
My advice? Now let go of the results. Yep, I’mma work on that, too :).
From Mocha’s Mom: —What If My Husband And I Have No Problems?!—
One other question: what if you don’t have unresolvable differences? I have tried and tried to think of unsolvable differences or problems in my marriage, and I can’t come up with any. Is this marriage doomed? ;)
Seriously, are there *always* unresolved differences, and I’m just to dense to know it, or have I beaten the odds so strongly that I should now take my amazing luck to Vegas?
Mocha’s Dad has suggested that our unresolvable differences are the things we simply disagree on, but frankly, I don’t see that as anything but being human. I mean, disagreeing is always there, because you don’t have two people with the same set of knowledge, experiences, neurological makeup, etc.
So to identify unresolvable differences I’m assuming that would mean subjects a couple frequently fights about or hardcore differences, like being unable to sync up on child-rearing (or kitty-rearing) strategies well enough to present a united front. I can’t find anything like that, so I’m stumped.
The differences we do have are beneficial. He’s less social, which means I get to control my social life and go hang out with who I want to hang out without having to juggle his social activities as well. He’s phlegmatic and I’m mercurial, but if you had two phlegmatic people you’d get stuck in ruts all the time and if you had two mercurial people you’d never have any stability.
So what constitutes an unresolvable difference? Is it yelling at each other about politics? One parent advocating healthy food while the other plies the children with phrooty phlavored kokoe bombs? Refusing to help lift heavy things?
What is the kind of difference that can’t be resolved but is part of a happy marriage? Examples, woman, I want examples!
Duana’s response: —Congratulations On De-Fanging Your Unresolved Problems—
Dear M.M.,
Mocha’s Dad is correct. Things upon which you disagree are unresolved differences. Fighting is optional :).
Common examples, from Gottman’s research and/or my files, of unresolved and unresolvable differences:
—He’s an introvert, and she’s dying to have people come over for parties.
—He wants sex several times a week; she wants sex twice a month (and once would be okay).
—He wants to try various sexual positions; his partner is of a faith that forbids it.
—She adores her mother; he finds her barely tolerable.
—He disciplines the children much more harshly than she feels he should.
—Her discipline style is too lenient, according to him.
—He wants an open sexual relationship, but the other he prefers monogamy.
—She’s a Democrat; he’s a Republican.
—She’s working two jobs and wants more help around the house; he doesn’t see that there’s anything to help with.
—She’s out of the closet; and she isn’t.
And on and on and on. The issue is not whether there are differences, because there are—for everyone (even you, from your examples!). The issue is how they are handled. Screaming fights = bad handling. Differences that are so well-handled you think you don’t have any? Well, that’s rare, and kudos to you! What works is at this link—but you don’t need it, I’ll bet, b/c it sounds like you already figured it out:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html
M.M.’s response:
Um, okay, Duana. Some things that exist or previously have existed in my marriage are pretty close to things on Gottman’s list, but I wouldn’t consider them unresolvable differences, because the only resolution needed is to (1) realize that life isn’t tidy, and that human individuals are not cookie-cutter people designed to fill in a pre-determined role and (2) decide you’ll wing it.
I mean, if you wanted a “resolution” (read: Stepford Spouse), you’d create an issue, but if you’re willing to let it be and manage any logistical issues as they come up, you don’t have an issue, do you?
Besides, most of those things are traits that are deeply tied in with who the person you fell in love with *is*. What’s the point of mushing them around into a duplicate of you? Haven’t these people ever watched The Twilight Zone? Making people conform is not consistent with happiness. I’m pretty sure Star Trek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer also addressed this problem. People need to watch more sci-fi and fantasy so they can have better marriages.
Incidentally, I don’t see this as a moral thing; I don’t accept my spouse because I’m too “good” or nice or graciously accepting to fight, I accept my spouse because he’s smoking hot. Also, I’m too lazy to fight all the time. Too much work!
From Vic: —Love For An Imperfect Friend—
Duana, You are my Best Friend!
Thank you for the dedication and the kind words. I spent most of my life searching for whom I have sitting across the table from me now. Sharing ideas whether about teaching, politics, children, readings, or Love Science. It is your company that fascinates me the most. It is your wisdom and compassion that endears me. I have never been tired of our friendship and cannot understand how that can get in the way of two people being in love. The initial dating excitement and mystery may have faded some, but the true friendship we share every moment we are together and the affection we are not afraid to show at home or in public (even at others’ embarrassment, which I enjoy also!) makes our bond so much stronger.
My hope is that your readers can take heart in your magical words and make their lives and this world a more loving place.
Duana’s response to all:
See what I’m talking about? :)
Cheers,
Duana
Related Love Science articles:
The article on which this one was based, How To Be Your Mate’s Best Friend, is here:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-be-your-mates-best-friend-1.html
Conflict Resolution 101 for men and women:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man.html
All Couples Have Unsolvable Problems—here’s how many remain happy anyway:
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Happy relationships—mine and millions of others—owe an inestimable debt of gratitude to
and Julie Schwartz Gottman. For over three decades, they have researched couples –childed and childless, straight and gay, married and not—and have scientifically discerned, distilled and shared not only what separates the happy from the mad, but how simple changes can bring happiness to most relationships.
I strongly encourage every reader with a relationship to own John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ”, and every reader who wants or has children to own John Gottman’s and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s book “And Baby Makes Three: Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives ”.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and Love Science Media, 2011, 2012. This article was published in 2011; it has been updated for this re-post.
If this article intrigued, captivated, elevated or explicated you or your understanding of relationships, please click “share article” below to distribute to your favorite social media websites.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
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Reader Comments (4)
My partner's hair stylist was blunt about it. She said that she didn't want to hear her man talk about his feelings--"one vagina in the relationship was enough". I think many women partners want empathy from their mate, they want their mate to be good listeners (and not offer solutions)-- they want their mate to be supportive in this way. When their man starts to reveal his emotions, and fears, in turn, he ceases being supportive and starts being a liability. I might argue that some women truly become concerned about how men are feeling only when their inability to speak about their problems is clearly hiding major issues-- his silence becomes a threat to the stability of the relationship. I can say this after multiple partners and many long term relationships over a 25 year span-- when they wanted me to talk, it was to be reassured that things were ok, not to talk about problems.
Dear Allen, I think you're right. The whole Men-Talking-About-Their-Feelings-Too-Much thing reminds me of a quip I stumbled on long ago:
"When men tell you they're sensitive, they usually are~to their own feelings."
Women want supportive mates, and supportive = Into Me, not Into Himself. The latter guy is indeed a liability--he's too busy attending to his own needs to provide and protect for others.
So maybe it's an oversimplification, but I suspect it's true.
This comes back to the age old problem-- when men share their problems, they're looking for advice to solve them. When women share, it's to help frame the problem in their own words and to get empathy, not solutions. This is a gross over simplification, but I see it often enough to know there is some truth in there. In my ind, there's two interesting points here-- if men could realize that by having empathy and being good listeners, that in and of itself is helping to solve the issues she raises, they could both be problem solvers and be good mates. It's a win-win. The other, more troublesome point is, if men don't share their problems unless they are looking for advice, why is it that they feel their partners don't have good advice for solving the problem? Do men actively seek partners who AREN'T potential mentors?
Dear Allen,
Good question. And this response is a guess. My guess is that some men do feel that their partners give good advice--and that these men are the very ones most likely to tell their mate everything. However, that very dependence can leave the woman with the 'ick' feeling 'Lynn' described. She wants a provider and a protector, not someone who turns to her for that.
Which brings me to my second guess: The guys who don't want advice usually won't bring up their troubles to begin with, and they may avoid it because at some level, they realize the price they pay for a partner's advice is loss of esteem in the eyes of that very partner.
It can't be easy being a guy. My hat's off to you all.
Cheers,
Duana