Is Her Straight Boyfriend Gay?
Dear Janine,
Your boyfriend’s secret gay-porn habit has you wondering: What’s his orientation? And what should you do?
The vast majority of our Survey respondents of *every* orientation think your boyfriend is bisexual (See full results below my signature.). As one straight man said, “….Once he engages in homosexual behavior then he would be classified as bisexual. When he engages in sexual relationships with men and no longer with women, then he has become a full-fledged homosexual.”
Yet I’d wager that your boyfriend is gay. Why?
1. Most people self-identify as GL (gay or lesbian), not bi—even if they have sex with both genders.
It’s a funny thing about orientation: When judging others’, we tend to focus on behavior. But when labeling our *own*, we consider desires—specifically, whom we are inclined to love as well as lust after.
So when people are asked to self-id in surveys across the American adult populace, 4% say they’re *attracted* at some level to both genders, and 10% have had same-gender sexual *experience*—yet only 1% say they’re bi. The rest place themselves firmly into hetero (about 94%) - or homosexual (2.8% men and 1.4% women) categories.
And in recent research on heterosexually married men who’ve had sex with other men, only 5% say they’re straight. But 38% identify as bi; and 57% say they’re gay. Other studies of men and women concur—most people who’ve had sex with their own gender self-label as GL or straight, but not bi.
2. Men’s Orientation Tends To Be Either-Or…
…whereas more women can have their cake and, um…
Put another way, studies show there are fewer bi men than bi women, and more men who are very clear on their orientation by their late teens.
So, many women shift their orientation over time, switch back-and-forth, or find both sexes equally appealing . Yet terms like “hasbian” and “lesbian until graduation” have no analog among men. And studies show the more aroused men are by men, the less aroused they are by women.
3. Men’s Response To Porn Is Telling.
As scientists Simon LeVay and Sharon Valente write, “Most men can figure out their sexual orientation by monitoring their genitalia; few women can do so.”
Indeed. In a study where straight and gay men watched steamy videos of women only, men only, or male-female pairs, they knew what turned them on. Gay men were physically and psychologically aroused only by images of men—straight men, only by images of women. (Women were physically aroused by Everyone, but only said so about images that fit their stated orientation.)
And when straight men and women don special eyewear that tracks precisely where they’re looking, straight men primarily gaze at the woman onscreen—whereas straight women watch both genders equally.
So, Janine, I think your boyfriend watches a lot of gay male porn because it arouses him. And I think it arouses him because he’s gay.
But what do you *do* with the information?
1. Consider *Why* He Hasn’t Told You Yet.
a) Maybe he’s not gay.
Just because I think your boyfriend is gay, and most Survey respondents think he’s bi, does not make either true.
Sexual identity is 100% subjective and self-defined and psychological—only your boyfriend can tell you with certainty, since only he lives inside his head(s) and is The Authority on his opinion of what’s happening there.
b) Then again—even he might not know yet.
As a gay man wrote me, “…the implication that the guy is lying to his girlfriend about his orientation bothers me. Chances are he is in some stage of a coming out process. Thus, he is figuring things out and cannot be presumed to be lying.”
Excellent point. The research on coming out shows that you can’t tell someone else you’re gay until you’ve figured that out for yourself. And because Straights Recruit—usually modeling heterosexual behavior as the only acceptable option—most gay men initially go through a period of identity confusion.
c) Then again, maybe he fears antigay prejudice.
If so, it’s a rational fear .
From the 13% of LGB’s who’ve been spat upon, to the 17% who’ve been physically attacked, to the 19% who’ve experienced property vandalization, to the 44% who’ve been threatened with harm, to the 80% who’ve been sexually harassed—*after* the rampant bullying in middle- and high-school and likely homophobia in their own families—it’s no wonder most tend to be extremely selective in revealing their sexual identity.
In which case, you need to become someone your boyfriend knows he can Trust. It may hurt to think you’re not already there…but you can head that way now.
2. Talk To Him!!!
Wise Readers and I may not hold the same opinion of your boyfriend’s orientation, but most of us *do* have the same advice for you: Talk To *Him* rather than to the rest of us.
Beneath my signature, you’ll see the Wise Reader responses that I think sum up the best advice on how to talk to him with compassion and supportiveness. I’ll just add this brief script to help you along:
“I need to bring up something that’s been troubling me, and maybe you, too. I found a lot of gay male porn in the online history. I am wondering if you’re questioning your orientation, or if you might already know you’re gay or bi. I am *not* going to condemn you for who you are, and I won’t tell anyone else your orientation. But I need to know so we can both think more about our relationship.”
3. Decide What Kind Of Relationship To Pursue
Dating is the time to go for the relationship you want—not to compromise on Core areas of compatibility. And the 2-4% of American women who are or have been in ‘mixed orientation’ marriages often feel shattered upon disclosure.
Yet 1/3 of these marriages survive disclosure; there are many reasons people stay together, and it’s for you to determine what feels right for you.
Whatever the answers, whatever the outcome: I join many Wise Readers in hoping you remain friends, and wishing you both well and happy, in whatever relationship is ultimately best for each of you.
Cheers,
Duana
Survey RESULTS for “Folk Wisdom: Is her Boyfriend Gay, Straight or Bi?”
—with sincere thanks to the 80 Wise Readers who contributed their answers and insights
RESPONDENT ORIENTATION: Out of 80 participants, 80% are straight, 10% bi, and 10% GLT (gay, lesbian, or transsexual)
RESPONDENT AGE: 45 years on average; median 42, mode 41, range 21-65
RESPONDENT GENDER: 31% male (including one transgender female-to-male) and 69% female
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: WHAT IS HER BOYFRIEND’S ORIENTATION LIKELY TO BE?
—75% of all respondents say bi (including 88% of bisexuals, 75% GLT, and 74% straights)
—19% of all respondents say gay (including 13% bisexuals, 25% GLT, and 8% straights)
—6% of all respondents say hetero (*only* straight respondents said this—ZERO GLT and bi’s said this)
The majority of respondents of every orientation said he’s bi; bisexuals were the least likely to say he is gay, and GLT’s were most likely to say he’s gay. Only straights ever guessed he’s straight—and then, only 8% of them guessed that.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF JANINE WERE YOUR FRIEND, WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE HER TO DO?
—63% of all respondents say to talk with him
—23% of all respondents say to leave him (26% of the straight respondents and 13% of the GLT’s and 0% of bisexual respondents say this)
—14% of respondents give some other advice, including to just be friends, get tested for STI’s, seek counseling for the boyfriend, or watch porn together to gauge his response
SELECTED RESPONDENTS’ ADVICE TO JANINE:
—Bi woman: “I would help her to understand that, just because he hasn’t told her about this, it doesn’t mean (necessarily) that he’s lying to her. Often the person doesn’t himself know that he is/may be gay. They need to talk, and this is easier said than done. Odds are, he’s struggling with his sexual orientation…I think the success of this interaction is completely dependent on Janine and her ability to compassionately draw the necessary information out of her boyfriend….Drinks are on me if that’s the answer.”
—Gay man: “Talk to him about it, and be supportive since he’s probably coming out to himself.”
—Gay man: “Let him know you’re okay with the answer, no matter what it is, and ask him. He may not be comfortable talking about it and may not even have thought to label his feelings and attractions. But it’s important that he feels accepted and supported no matter what the truth may be.”
—Lesbian woman: “Janine, just ask him. You need to be upfront yet supportive. If he thinks you are repelled by the idea, he won’t be forthcoming with what you want to know. He’s probably confused and scared and using you as a cover-up. Just be open-minded and if you care about him, then you’ll understand he’s still the person you loved.”
—Straight woman: “Have an honest discussion with him. Expect him to deny it at first…but make him know it’s not a shameful thing, that if he has questions about himself then it’s not wrong, and that she’s there to help him figure it out, not to judge him, or be angry at him. Even if she might be mad, no one has felt ‘encouraged’ to open up to a mad or accusatory person!”
—Gay man: “Work on the friendship aspect of the relationship, so that whatever happens, something good will survive.”
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-is-her-straight-boyfriend-gay.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/porn-pastime-or-peril.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
Edward O. Laumann and others of the NHSLS (National Health & Social Life Survey), for data on mixed-orientation couples and sexual orientation percentages
William D. Mosher and others of the NSFG (National Survey Of Family Growth), for data regarding individuals’ sexual orientation versus their sexual attraction/behavior
Jim Malcolm, for research on heterosexually married men who have sex with men
Lisa Diamond, for research on women’s sexual fluidity in orientation
Richard Lippa and Sara Arad, for research on men’s either-or-ness of orientation
Simon LeVay and Sharon M. Valente, for their apt summation from their textbook that, “Most men can figure out their sexual orientation by monitoring their genitalia; few women can do so.”
Meredith Chivers and others, for research showing gender differences in sexual arousal to sexually explicit images
Amy Lykins and others, for research showing that men and women look at erotic images of men and women for differing amounts of time
Vivienne Cass, for her foundational 6-stage model of sexual identity development, including identity confusion
Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for an eye-opening review of anti-gay prejudice
Amity Buxton, founder of the Straight Spouse Network, for data showing 1/3 of mixed-orientation couples stay married even after disclosure. (PS: The Network is a great place for those who are on ‘the other side of the closet’.)
If this article intrigued, surprised, affirmed or enlightened you, please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (35)
I know the boyfriend may be feeling confusion and needs a supportive person to help him with the transition/realization about his sexual orientation, but I bet the girlfriend is feeling devastated and might not be the best person to help him. He hasn't done anything wrong, perhaps he hasn't cheated and maybe he is trying to avoid hurting her, but his revelation will probably still hurt. Telling his girlfriend he prefers men over women is probably still going to feel like a rejection to her, even if it isn't meant personally.
The advice for her to be supportive is ideal. I would congratulate any woman who could be that for her "boyfriend". But my bet is that she needs help with all this, too. She's gonna need someone to help her with this new information and I imagine it's going to be difficult for her to be the cheerleader for him that he needs and wants. Professional counselling might be a good idea for both of them.
I agree with Candi that counseling would be very helpful for them. This is a series of conversations that is going to be difficult for each of them, and emotions will likely run high and having a professional there who can facilitate the conversation would help keep things on track.
I found the distinction between behavior and desire to be very interesting. That was new information for me. Thank you for assembling it. It does bring up an interesting quandry. Is it possible that to the girlfriend, he is bi, while at the same time he self-identifies as gay? Is it possible/healthy for the relationship to succeed if they identify his orientation differently?
Anyway, fabulous work, as always!
As always, you increase the public knowledge every time you post a new article . . . so thank you for doing such once again. What I found most compelling about the article, and I had to do the math in my head since I was too lazy to get up and get a pencil, so let me know if my math is wrong . . . I broke down the percentages into n’s and it seems that 4 of the straight survey takers believe that after looking at gay porn, homeboy, I mean “Straight Boyfriend”, stills resides in Camp Breeder. I would be curious to know the demographics of said respondents. In fact, I would wager all were men, and please feel free to just tell me I am 100% wrong, and to a lesser degree I am confident that these men are a bit on the older side of an age/gender frequency chart. And if you had a geographical question on your survey, they would all live on a pretty river in Egypt.
Here’s the part where I piss-off all the survey takers. I have found many inspiring comments throughout your collection of articles, and consider your population of commenters, and I guess by affiliation, readers, to be well educated, with very little prejudice, and overall quite a “thinking” lot. BUT, when 75% choose to press the Staples’ Easy Button and just mail in a safe response of “bi” so they will be at worst half right, it just puts my proverbial knickers in a bunch. Assuming I am correct about your population, you have an excellent opportunity to do some quality research once you force the buggers to make a decision. Said my piece, I’m old, going to bed.
Diverticuli......I am a woman and I am straight and I live in Nebraska. I don't live by a river but the creek near my house is quite picturesque if you can live with the mosquitos. I voted that the boyfriend was bisexual. I did this not because it was a safe answer but because the evidence seemed to suggest that he was attracted to both women and men. Afterall, he did choose to have a girlfriend. From what I could tell she didn't kidnap him and force him into the relationship. Who knows, though? The article doesn't clarify whether that was the case or not. Duana, did she kidnap him or did he choose to date her? I'm not at all "pissed off", you've given me great fodder for my naturally sarcastic sense of humor.
Diverticuli is plural for "a blind tube leading from a cavity or passage"--------The medical definition is not as pleasant sounding.
Thanks!
Great article, and what a surprise!
Given these facts, I would have said that Janine's boyfriend is bi (my first choice). Or possibly straight, though extremely sexually curious (my second choice). But not gay.
Regarding gayness, here's the particular section of the article, which I didn't understand:
"Sexual identity is 100% subjective and self-defined and psychological—only your boyfriend can tell you with certainty, since only he lives inside his head(s) and is The Authority on his opinion of what’s happening there."
I'm trying to reconcile this statement with the notion that sexual identity/orientation is genetically determined. In other words, there is a gay gene. It's either active, or ... it's not.
The boyfriend may be fighting his identity by pretending to be straight (for all of the valid reasons, which you give), but what role do the boyfriend's genes play in this picture? Is sexual identity "100% subjective" ... or is it genetic?
I am a straight woman (husband and kids), but I find pictures of beautiful women to be seductive and arousing to me. If sometimes my husband needs a boost, we can look together inside the Playboy magazine and it gets us both in the mood. I am glad this makes me normal because the women in the article look at everyone.
If I were Janine, I would have a flood of mixed emotions. I'm sure her boyfriend's emotions are flooding, too.
I have witnessed first-hand the situation of a gay man marrying a straight woman to conform to his parents' expectation and to avoid anti-gay prejudice. This occured during the Vietnam War; the guy was young - just finishing college. He married his college sweetheart (a woman) to please his uber-conservative family and to give her a widow's pension ... if he didn't come back.
He survived the war and came home, but the marriage failed a couple years later when the wife discovered he had a boyfriend. They spent a year in anguish trying to make their marriage work, but the wife ultimately divorced him. I suspect that (perhaps like Janine's boyfriend), this man didn't fully realize he was gay until he was already involved with a woman, and didn't intend to mislead or deceive her.
I guess my point is that that people do go through this, and may not automatically know their orientation in the younger years. I suspect that genetics do play a role, as Gillian suggests, but it's not as simple as taking a blood test to determine your type ....
I agree that Janine should talk to her boyfriend, but then what? Are there any support groups that could help Janine and her boyfriend deal with what must be a flood of emotions?
PS: Why is cutting Jan's boyfriend all this slack? He is lying to her. He is hidden his porn habit. He needs to come clean on his porn habit. Say the truth to her that he likes men. At least say the truth that he is confused.
I don't think "hiding your porn" is necessarily lying. Especially in a situation such as this, it seems like the kind thing to do.
Most of us have, at one time or another, been in a perfectly lovely and appropriate relationship that (nevertheless) wasn't "who we are". It can take a lot of time and introspection to eventually figure that out. Were we LYING to our significant other? No way. Were we lying to ourselves? Sure, maybe...but likely not. It takes time to figure out your true self, and I think Janine is fortunate to be in this position while dating instead of having this predicament after potentially getting married.
Hiding important information from your partner is kind. Not in my book.
To: Mr. Diverticuli. I read this column because it interests me, the posts are interest too, and the same people who like to post alot. Like a club. Yes they do sound mostly smart and unprejudist, but they all try to be more smart and more unpredjust than the next one. Especially they are cutting the gay dude alot of slack. He needs to man up to the same standard we all have to. Give honesty in the relationship. If he loves Jan he should talk to her. He might not know he's gay, but he knows he's confused. He is oblige to talk with HER, but Janine is having to discover and bring up the talk. Poor Janine.
I agree "poor Janine". But I feel bad for the boyfriend, too. This is confusing stuff.
Now, if it turns out that he knows that he is gay/bi/confused in a concrete way, then I do lose all sympathy for him. Then I'd say it's totally NOT fair to Janine because this puts the whole thing more in the perspective of sneaking around. THAT I would NOT abide. My entire commentary is predicated upon the notion that he is in the early stages of "confused".
Candi, you’re absolutely on-target that the recipient of the “I’m gay” news is often devastated. The vast majority of mixed-orientation relationships are entered into unwittingly—sometimes by both parties.
And when one partner comes out—or is discovered to be having same-gender affairs—the heterosexual partner suffers a revision of his or her entire history. They lose not only trust in their mate—but in themselves, in their own ability to judge even the most basic aspects of a partner, and yes, in their appeal as a person sometimes. The revelation, though it’s little to do with the straight person at all, shakes the very foundation of that individual’s confidence, self-esteem—and valued love relationship.
So I agree with you that help beyond what’s offered in this column is often needed. And while counselors can be a good resource, I’d like to direct readers to this one as well: the Straight Spouse Network, founded by Amity Buxton.
Whether people who visit the site choose to interact, or merely to read and feel solidarity with many who stand on ‘the other side of the closet’, it can help.
The mission statement of the Straight Spouse Network is as follows:
“Who we are:
“Current and former Straight Spouses/Partners of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender people, Mixed Orientation Couples and our Families and Friends.
“What we do
“Serve straight spouses, mixed orientation couples, families and community by:
• “Reaching Out to increase visibility of straight spouses and accessibility to support
• “Healing and empowering straight spouses to cope constructively
• “Building Bridges between spouses, within families and with the larger community through support, education and advocacy”
Here’s the web address: http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php. I hope anyone reading this who needs or has needed this resource will give this Network repeated visits.
Curtis, most welcome, and thanks for a great question. It is possible that Janine could think her bf is bi and he could already self-id as gay. And it definitely happens that there are mixed-orientation relationships where the two people define one person’s sexual orientation differently--hence the 1.7mm to 3.4mm American women who are or have been married to gay men in the USA.
My best guess is that a healthy relationship can succeed sometimes even if couples have different ideas of one person’s orientation. I’m basing this guess on Amity Buxton’s research showing that 1/3 of marriages survive a disclosure of mixed orientation; some of the interviews I’ve come across of the straight spouse who stayed in the marriage indicate that they’re still happy with their husband and their marriage, even if they know their mate is gay and has boyfriends on the side. And sometimes, the gay spouse is happier that way, too.
Here’s a quote from a gay man who has remained married with his straight wife for 36 years—and has been out to her for 34 of those years (found in the text Human Sexuality In A World Of Diversity, 8th Ed., p. 311, Rathus et al.; reprinted from a NYT article by Kay Butler, “Many Couples Must Negotiate Terms of ‘Brokeback’ Marriages”): “What is intimacy? I am totally committed on all levels to [my wife]. I felt so intimate with her when I was caring for her during her cancer treatments—to me, that’s a stronger expression of love than whether I’m having anonymous sex with a man.” This couple have a now-adult son, share every aspect of their lives (including sex sometimes)—and acknowledge to one another, though not to their child, that they each have affairs because of the father’s gay orientation.
I will also add, based on the 2/3 failure rate of these marriages, that they usually don’t work, and the normative outcome is tremendous pain for everyone.
Dear Diverticuli, what a diverting name you have, lol. Thanks for a new (albeit curmudgeonly) voice. I hope you’ll write again.
Here’s where I agree with you: Love Science readers are an intelligent, thoughtful, unusually articulate lot. I’m constantly being told by acquaintances that the Love Science comments sections are among the few civilized discourses left in cyberspace, and that the comments often outstrip the articles. The culture here is exactly what I was hoping for: learned, curious, open, and kind. Not necessarily in that order.
But. I have to go with Candi re: Why Readers Thought The Boyfriend Was Bi.
As the 80 respondents (whom I thank!) know, there was space to explain their answer regarding their own orientation as well as to explain their guess about the boyfriend’s sexual identity. Almost every respondent wrote a *lot* about why they picked the boyfriend’s particular orientation—it was hardly a simple choice for them.
For instance, here are just a few of the responses:
--Bi female: “Impossible question. Could be any (orientation). However, my guess is that he is not actively bi and is currently confused.”
--Lesbian woman: “I was with men only for my entire life b/c I was terrified of coming out to my friends and family. I finally came out [many years later, after the birth of children]….this guy is definitely in the closet, b/c a straight guy, no matter how much of a freak he is, does not want to see two men together sexually.”
--Straight woman: “The fact that he’s not just astisfying a passing curiosity (he goes to these sites often) means that he’s feeding his sexual appetite in some way. Perhaps he hasn’t acted out his desires yet, but I think there’s a good chance that he wants to and may do so in the future.”
--Straight man: “At this point we would say he is heterosexual as he has not actually been caught engaging in homosexual behaviour. He could be referred to as “bi-curious”. Once he engages in homosexual behavior then he would be classified as bisexual. When he engages in sexual relationships with men and no longer with women, then he has become a full-fledged homosexual.”
--Straight woman: “because straight men are usually so keen on ensuring their straightness, any diversion from that incurs a cost that would seem to be only worth risking if he were somewhat interested in the idea.”
What respondents wrote was revealing in at least two other ways:
First, some mistook the phrase about the boyfriend watching “gay porn and anal sex” to mean he was watching some gay porn and some straight anal sex. I didn’t make it clear enough that it was *all* gay porn—with a particular interest in gay anal sex. That might have cleared things up a bunch.
Second, most people in and out of this Survey think others’ *behavior* is how to tell others’ orientation. Which seems fair enough, given that with other people, their behavior is all we have to go by. And since this guy is involved with a woman and showing some interest in men, too, readers inferred that he is bi.
(That all seems logical enough, until we consider that our *own* orientation has a lot more to do with what happens between our ears than between our legs. To see this, all we have to do is consider how we would feel if forced to live and have sex with the gender to whom we aren’t attracted and/or inclined to fall in love. Would having sex with a woman make me forget that I genuinely love and want to be with a man? I feel sure the answer is NO.)
Finally—there weren’t many stereotypical conclusions I could draw from this Survey. Not all the straight readers who guessed ‘straight’ were male. And the most fearful comments came from women (ex: “dump him or you’ll get AIDS”)—despite antigay prejudice showing up mostly among men towards gay men in daily life/research.
Gillian, hi! Great question. If sexual orientation comes down to what we think we are—then what role do genes play?
These are actually separate questions, because sexual orientation and the origins of sexual orientation are two distinct things.
Sexual orientation comprises our *feelings*--whom we love and lust. You can be 100% lesbian and spend your entire life living and behaving straight, all the while knowing yourself to be inclined towards women; you can be male and in prison and have tons of same-gender sex and return to heterosexuality immediately after imprisonment—and truthfully say you were always 100% straight (in heart if not in action). You are what you say you are. It’s Subjective.
But that doesn’t tell us where our orientation *comes from*. Like almost everything else—including whether you’re male or female—sexual orientation is derived from a combination of nature and nurture.
Let’s back up for a minute and consider something that is thought almost purely genetic: Type 1 diabetes. Although there are genes for it, it appears that something in the environment (a virus, it’s now thought) must turn the genes on—the genes alone can do nothing. This is why, for instance, there are identical twins where both carry the T1 genes, yet only one has diabetes.
Or consider calluses. Just because you have genes for those, doesn’t mean you have calluses. You have to encounter friction on your hands or feet or fingers to develop calluses—the gene and the environment interact.
Taking this to the matter at hand, so to speak, there is no one known cause of any particular sexual orientation.
Many lines of research, including genetic research on other species, brain imaging research in our own, and twin concordance rates, to name a few, show that genes are indeed important influences.
The environment is important, too—BUT not the environmental influences most people guess at. Most people think that gayness is caused, for instance, by being reared by gay parents, being ‘recruited’ by someone gay, being molested as a child, or being inappropriately parented by straights. ALL of these ideas have been thoroughly shattered by science.
Yet there is *one* environment that does seem extremely important: The pre-birth environment.
The hormones that are released or not released in utero during fetal development, and the antibodies the mother may or may not carry against subsequent male fetuses, seem to be the most vital environments yet found for influencing sexual orientation. It’s nothing the parents or the child have any choice about—but it is environmental.
And ultimately, it’s still a mystery.
Hi, Just Me, I don’t think I’ve heard you here before. Welcome!
Yes, it’s normal for women of all orientations to get physically aroused from looking at gorgeous naked women. And at gorgeous naked men. And at women being gorgeous together. And at men being gorgeous together. And at men and women being gorgeous together.
And, well, you get the gist.
In fact, I think that’s another reason so many Survey respondents thought Janine’s boyfriend is bi. If 2/3 of the respondents are women, and women are easily turned on by looking at Everyone…then why wouldn’t men, they might reason?
To wit, here’s what one lesbian woman wrote on the Survey: “Talk to him and see if he could open up. Just because it does something for him doesn’t mean he’s gay. I am 98% lesbian and the idea or images of straight sex often turn me on, and so can gay male porn for that matter.”
Hmmmm. Makes me think maybe *we're* the "horny freaks"...
Dear Joan,
The sad story you relate, and your thoughts about it, are on-target. I’ve already written about the Straight Spouse Network when answering Candi, so I’d like to focus here on your insight regarding
Why Gay Men Marry Straight Women.
In a nutshell, it appears this occurs for two main reasons:
1. Because Straights Recruit:
Being raised with the presumption that everyone is straight –which is how almost everyone in the world is raised-- means that if one is not, as it happens, straight, that could take a while for oneself to figure out.
The data on gay men indicate that most of them have their first inkling of attraction to another male around age 8, and that they wait until age 18 or 19 before disclosing their orientation to anyone else.
And many wait until…well, until never.
2. Because Antigay Prejudice Sucks:
Turns out, many studies concur that the more taboo and stigma and antigay prejudice there is regarding gayness, the more men stay in the closet or live “on the down-low” (the African American term for being publicly straight and heterosexually married while pursuing gay relationships on the side).
Yeah, yeah, we all know there are hate crimes against gay men. We know middle- and high-school would be possibly the worst times to even think of coming out. And most people even know intuitively that there are more hate crimes against gay men than against people of any other orientation.
But the sheer enormity of the amount of antigay prejudice I read about when researching this article floored me. To be spat upon, vandalized, threatened, beaten, harassed…even be paid less (yes, it’s been experimentally proven!) because one is gay is, in this writer’s view, heinous. And in the view of the law, it’s increasingly punishable.
Ironically, then, it’s most likely a gay man from a really conservative culture will wind up heterosexually married—eventually shattering many lives including, quite possibly, his own—than a gay man from a more open culture.
Telling people they can’t be gay, in other words, does not eliminate gayness. It just increases mixed-orientation marriages and the trauma that ensues.
Dear Just Me and Monica,
Ironically, your letters remind me very much of one I wrote a friend in preparation for this column.
A gay friend objected to Janine’s and my presentation of Boyfriend’s behavior as dishonest, because Boyfriend might be confused; and I wrote back, “Well, then he needs to be honest that he is confused. But then again, I’ve always had the luxury of knowing I was straight, and the world is made for me and my orientation—so maybe I need to give this some more thought.”
In that spirit, here’s an exercise I did, that you might or might not want to try:
Imagine that you are a member of a group where rampant discrimination and hatred against you and obvious discomfort in your presence is the *norm* rather than the exception.
Now imagine that you can easily convince others that you aren’t a member of that group. You can “pass” so well, you can even “pass” to yourself most of the time.
Would you?
For many, many gay men—especially African Americans and Latinos, whose cultures are empirically *much* less open towards gays than European-ancestry cultures are—the answer is YES.
Given all the antigay prejudice, it’s not surprising that science shows that most men, if and when they do come out, are very selective about revealing their gay status only to highly trusted friends.
The response these friends offer can color the man’s perception (of himself, of his identity, of the world) for many, many years—so they need to carefully plan to tell those who will be the very most supportive, and it’s important that they don’t guess wrong. And gay men may then wait many years more, or even a lifetime, to tell family.
And to risk telling others when they are in the identity confusion stage—well, that can just seem foolhardy. Again, putting oneself in the boyfriend’s shoes, if he tells Janine he is confused, and she tells others—he’s risked his reputation and risked much hatred for an uncertainty.
No wonder many would prefer to wait until they’re really, really SURE before they come out even (especially?) to their most cherished Others.
This is not to say I lack compassion for Janine; far from it. I would doubtless be heartbroken and angry if I were in her place, even if I did understand the boyfriend’s motives. I think it’s awful that there is such tremendous pressure on her guy for him to live straight that she’s unwittingly with a gay man (so I presume)—I think it’s horrid that she has to be the one to bring this up—and I think it’s rending that she may be parted from a man she might have wanted to make a life with.
But she is still dating, and has every chance, we hope, to find someone wholly suited to her. She will not face huge stigma for so doing. The world is made for her, and I am glad for her that it is.
Too bad her boyfriend can’t say the same for himself.
Duana, these explanations are fascinating.
I love the contributors this week and found myself agreeing and disagreeing with them at the same time! This is not an easy topic, and each person had something valuable to say. I love the way you've tied everything together and shined some light into the grey areas using your matter-of-fact and compassionate style that always makes sense.
Bravo!
Thank you, Joan! Most kind! Not an easy topic--and all the comments are insightful, agreed.
But it's Love Science--not Hate Science--and I am grateful that those who contribute and follow always seem to bear that in mind. I feel like there are enough columns out there that belittle and berate the people who write in (or about whom they write). I really, really appreciate that folks on our site are on the side of Love...as well as Science.
After reading this, I am almost certain my first husband was gay. I remember just having a funny feeling about it. Also, one of his friends told me later he was surprised when "Dave" (not his real name) got married because he always figured Dave was "of the persuasion" (gay.) My evidence? It's thin. Aside from his effiminate nature, I one day discovered porno magazines under the bathroom cabinet. NOT Playboy and stuff I had never seen before. I was too nauseated to look at it, but it was weirdo stuff to me - like orgies - men and women, alone, together, in strange couplings, etc. On top of that, I found a set of photos of Dave and his former girlfriend in which they seemed to be playing dress-up. Dave had his finger nails painted! There were other problems in the marriage. I divorced him, and he never remarried. His Baptist mama would come unhinged if she thought her son was gay. To this day, the family blames me for hurting their son so badly that he could never get over the divorce to remarry. thanks you for letting me say my peace.
Dear Anonymous,
You are welcome. I'm sorry you (and Dave) got hurt like that. It's a great irony that prejudice--especially within the family of origin-- is what creates the impetus for men to hide, sometimes even from themselves, in heterosexual marriages.
Perhaps the people who want everyone to behave as if they're straight don't really get it that this means a lot of gay men will be married to straight women-- women such as their daughters. Maybe they think gay people can choose their orientation--even though in every class where I've collected data, not one straight student has said yes, they could want sex with a member of their own gender if being straight were suddenly deemed Wrong. Whatever the rationale, research is clear that trying to change our orientation Does Not Work, and we Do Not Choose whom we're drawn to love.
At any rate, I hope you have found happiness now. My best to you.
I do have a interesting scenario or viewpoint. What does it matter? One has taken an oath, a vow, a promise, a whatever to stay loyal to a partnership with one other person. Now of course love has much to do with it but what about the cohabitation and the reliable living arrangements and the secure lifestyle awarded to oneself being in a partnership that may be working? Is sex such a barrier or be all end all for the success of a marriage? What if the situation is totally safe with no cheating or no lies or no violence. What if its a curiousity? All men and women attracted to other men and women but does that mean that infidelity is going to happen? I know this is a strange argument but if the guy is homosexual, does that mean he's going to sleep with a man and be an adulterer? Isn't the urge for straight men to find another fem just as strong? Yes, I know that the female presence has no bearing on the homosexual male but there is that vow, that promise made to a good friend that he does love. What if the spouse, male or female, has no sexual attraction to anyone? That's another story...
I might be willing to stay married in anonymous2's scenario. However, I believe that sex is a core human need, and that some form of an open relationship would have to be in effect.