Is Her Straight Boyfriend Gay?
Dear Janine,
Your boyfriend’s secret gay-porn habit has you wondering: What’s his orientation? And what should you do?
The vast majority of our Survey respondents of *every* orientation think your boyfriend is bisexual (See full results below my signature.). As one straight man said, “….Once he engages in homosexual behavior then he would be classified as bisexual. When he engages in sexual relationships with men and no longer with women, then he has become a full-fledged homosexual.”
Yet I’d wager that your boyfriend is gay. Why?
1. Most people self-identify as GL (gay or lesbian), not bi—even if they have sex with both genders.
It’s a funny thing about orientation: When judging others’, we tend to focus on behavior. But when labeling our *own*, we consider desires—specifically, whom we are inclined to love as well as lust after.
So when people are asked to self-id in surveys across the American adult populace, 4% say they’re *attracted* at some level to both genders, and 10% have had same-gender sexual *experience*—yet only 1% say they’re bi. The rest place themselves firmly into hetero (about 94%) - or homosexual (2.8% men and 1.4% women) categories.
And in recent research on heterosexually married men who’ve had sex with other men, only 5% say they’re straight. But 38% identify as bi; and 57% say they’re gay. Other studies of men and women concur—most people who’ve had sex with their own gender self-label as GL or straight, but not bi.
2. Men’s Orientation Tends To Be Either-Or…
…whereas more women can have their cake and, um…
Put another way, studies show there are fewer bi men than bi women, and more men who are very clear on their orientation by their late teens.
So, many women shift their orientation over time, switch back-and-forth, or find both sexes equally appealing . Yet terms like “hasbian” and “lesbian until graduation” have no analog among men. And studies show the more aroused men are by men, the less aroused they are by women.
3. Men’s Response To Porn Is Telling.
As scientists Simon LeVay and Sharon Valente write, “Most men can figure out their sexual orientation by monitoring their genitalia; few women can do so.”
Indeed. In a study where straight and gay men watched steamy videos of women only, men only, or male-female pairs, they knew what turned them on. Gay men were physically and psychologically aroused only by images of men—straight men, only by images of women. (Women were physically aroused by Everyone, but only said so about images that fit their stated orientation.)
And when straight men and women don special eyewear that tracks precisely where they’re looking, straight men primarily gaze at the woman onscreen—whereas straight women watch both genders equally.
So, Janine, I think your boyfriend watches a lot of gay male porn because it arouses him. And I think it arouses him because he’s gay.
But what do you *do* with the information?
1. Consider *Why* He Hasn’t Told You Yet.
a) Maybe he’s not gay.
Just because I think your boyfriend is gay, and most Survey respondents think he’s bi, does not make either true.
Sexual identity is 100% subjective and self-defined and psychological—only your boyfriend can tell you with certainty, since only he lives inside his head(s) and is The Authority on his opinion of what’s happening there.
b) Then again—even he might not know yet.
As a gay man wrote me, “…the implication that the guy is lying to his girlfriend about his orientation bothers me. Chances are he is in some stage of a coming out process. Thus, he is figuring things out and cannot be presumed to be lying.”
Excellent point. The research on coming out shows that you can’t tell someone else you’re gay until you’ve figured that out for yourself. And because Straights Recruit—usually modeling heterosexual behavior as the only acceptable option—most gay men initially go through a period of identity confusion.
c) Then again, maybe he fears antigay prejudice.
If so, it’s a rational fear .
From the 13% of LGB’s who’ve been spat upon, to the 17% who’ve been physically attacked, to the 19% who’ve experienced property vandalization, to the 44% who’ve been threatened with harm, to the 80% who’ve been sexually harassed—*after* the rampant bullying in middle- and high-school and likely homophobia in their own families—it’s no wonder most tend to be extremely selective in revealing their sexual identity.
In which case, you need to become someone your boyfriend knows he can Trust. It may hurt to think you’re not already there…but you can head that way now.
2. Talk To Him!!!
Wise Readers and I may not hold the same opinion of your boyfriend’s orientation, but most of us *do* have the same advice for you: Talk To *Him* rather than to the rest of us.
Beneath my signature, you’ll see the Wise Reader responses that I think sum up the best advice on how to talk to him with compassion and supportiveness. I’ll just add this brief script to help you along:
“I need to bring up something that’s been troubling me, and maybe you, too. I found a lot of gay male porn in the online history. I am wondering if you’re questioning your orientation, or if you might already know you’re gay or bi. I am *not* going to condemn you for who you are, and I won’t tell anyone else your orientation. But I need to know so we can both think more about our relationship.”
3. Decide What Kind Of Relationship To Pursue
Dating is the time to go for the relationship you want—not to compromise on Core areas of compatibility. And the 2-4% of American women who are or have been in ‘mixed orientation’ marriages often feel shattered upon disclosure.
Yet 1/3 of these marriages survive disclosure; there are many reasons people stay together, and it’s for you to determine what feels right for you.
Whatever the answers, whatever the outcome: I join many Wise Readers in hoping you remain friends, and wishing you both well and happy, in whatever relationship is ultimately best for each of you.
Cheers,
Duana
Survey RESULTS for “Folk Wisdom: Is her Boyfriend Gay, Straight or Bi?”
—with sincere thanks to the 80 Wise Readers who contributed their answers and insights
RESPONDENT ORIENTATION: Out of 80 participants, 80% are straight, 10% bi, and 10% GLT (gay, lesbian, or transsexual)
RESPONDENT AGE: 45 years on average; median 42, mode 41, range 21-65
RESPONDENT GENDER: 31% male (including one transgender female-to-male) and 69% female
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: WHAT IS HER BOYFRIEND’S ORIENTATION LIKELY TO BE?
—75% of all respondents say bi (including 88% of bisexuals, 75% GLT, and 74% straights)
—19% of all respondents say gay (including 13% bisexuals, 25% GLT, and 8% straights)
—6% of all respondents say hetero (*only* straight respondents said this—ZERO GLT and bi’s said this)
The majority of respondents of every orientation said he’s bi; bisexuals were the least likely to say he is gay, and GLT’s were most likely to say he’s gay. Only straights ever guessed he’s straight—and then, only 8% of them guessed that.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF JANINE WERE YOUR FRIEND, WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE HER TO DO?
—63% of all respondents say to talk with him
—23% of all respondents say to leave him (26% of the straight respondents and 13% of the GLT’s and 0% of bisexual respondents say this)
—14% of respondents give some other advice, including to just be friends, get tested for STI’s, seek counseling for the boyfriend, or watch porn together to gauge his response
SELECTED RESPONDENTS’ ADVICE TO JANINE:
—Bi woman: “I would help her to understand that, just because he hasn’t told her about this, it doesn’t mean (necessarily) that he’s lying to her. Often the person doesn’t himself know that he is/may be gay. They need to talk, and this is easier said than done. Odds are, he’s struggling with his sexual orientation…I think the success of this interaction is completely dependent on Janine and her ability to compassionately draw the necessary information out of her boyfriend….Drinks are on me if that’s the answer.”
—Gay man: “Talk to him about it, and be supportive since he’s probably coming out to himself.”
—Gay man: “Let him know you’re okay with the answer, no matter what it is, and ask him. He may not be comfortable talking about it and may not even have thought to label his feelings and attractions. But it’s important that he feels accepted and supported no matter what the truth may be.”
—Lesbian woman: “Janine, just ask him. You need to be upfront yet supportive. If he thinks you are repelled by the idea, he won’t be forthcoming with what you want to know. He’s probably confused and scared and using you as a cover-up. Just be open-minded and if you care about him, then you’ll understand he’s still the person you loved.”
—Straight woman: “Have an honest discussion with him. Expect him to deny it at first…but make him know it’s not a shameful thing, that if he has questions about himself then it’s not wrong, and that she’s there to help him figure it out, not to judge him, or be angry at him. Even if she might be mad, no one has felt ‘encouraged’ to open up to a mad or accusatory person!”
—Gay man: “Work on the friendship aspect of the relationship, so that whatever happens, something good will survive.”
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-is-her-straight-boyfriend-gay.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/porn-pastime-or-peril.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
Edward O. Laumann and others of the NHSLS (National Health & Social Life Survey), for data on mixed-orientation couples and sexual orientation percentages
William D. Mosher and others of the NSFG (National Survey Of Family Growth), for data regarding individuals’ sexual orientation versus their sexual attraction/behavior
Jim Malcolm, for research on heterosexually married men who have sex with men
Lisa Diamond, for research on women’s sexual fluidity in orientation
Richard Lippa and Sara Arad, for research on men’s either-or-ness of orientation
Simon LeVay and Sharon M. Valente, for their apt summation from their textbook that, “Most men can figure out their sexual orientation by monitoring their genitalia; few women can do so.”
Meredith Chivers and others, for research showing gender differences in sexual arousal to sexually explicit images
Amy Lykins and others, for research showing that men and women look at erotic images of men and women for differing amounts of time
Vivienne Cass, for her foundational 6-stage model of sexual identity development, including identity confusion
Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for an eye-opening review of anti-gay prejudice
Amity Buxton, founder of the Straight Spouse Network, for data showing 1/3 of mixed-orientation couples stay married even after disclosure. (PS: The Network is a great place for those who are on ‘the other side of the closet’.)
If this article intrigued, surprised, affirmed or enlightened you, please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (35)
Hi, I haven't written before but want to now. It seems weird to me that so many people have had sex with someone their same gender, but they don't say they're bi. Did I read that right? If I did, then why aren't more people bi?
I am sexually attracted to both men and women, but only bond with men. That's why I consider myself heterosexual.
Dear Anonymous2,
The affair rate among straight spouses is between 13-50% of all marriages over a lifetime, depending on how the question is asked and how the term 'affair' is defined. So you're right that straight men (and women) do, of course, sometimes have affairs even though they have presumably married someone they are in love and lust with.
The distinction between that and a mixed-orientation couple, though, is striking. In the mixed-orientation situation, the gay partner is often neither in love nor in lust with their spouse. Yes, they love them--they just may never have been in love with them. We can predict a much-higher-than-normal affair rate when the sexual/love bonding never even happened to start with.
So while some of these spouses probably do just Do Without for their entire lives, I agree with Gabi in thinking that doing without love and lust on a permanent basis is asking quite a bit, and in saying that not only would I not stand for it...but I doubt many others would, either.
I base that statement not only on research, but on the historical record. Throughout the world for much of recorded history, the very wealthy have been placed in marriages which were arranged for the sole purpose of maintaining powerful alliances (well, that and creating heirs who would forward said alliances). These marriages were entered regardless of the individuals' preferences, including their sexual orientation. And here's what usually happened:
The guys fooled around. If they were straight, they fooled around with women. If gay, they fooled around with men. King James I (of the King James Bible fame) was so noted for sodomy and male favorites that it's quite well-known he had one young man he referred to as "my bride", for instance.
The women, meantime, remained faithful on pain of death. What they did with their ladies-in-waiting or in the harems, however, can only be guessed at :).
Thank you for an interesting question or two!
PS: If the spouse is asexual--having no sexual attraction to anyone, as is true of 1% of the population--then my guess is that the more sexual spouse is either going to look elsewhere for that kind of fulfillment...or the asexual spouse is going to pony up some sex. Marriage has many benefits, as you rightly noted...but sexuality is considered absolutely Core among them to many, and the responses to a lack of a sex-life in the marriage tend to include quite a lot of getting sex Elsewhere.
I admit myself ignorant of the field of asexuality, though, and look forward to any insights anybody here more well-versed at present can offer!
Dear Another Female Anonymous,
Your point really brings home the utterly psychological nature of sexuality and orientation. You're heterosexual because you love men--rather than bi because of sexual attraction to both genders. Before reading all this, I think I would not have gotten that. Thank you for sharing.
In one of your previous articles you wrote that smell has a big impact on attraction. I really don't know much about bisexuals, but do they like the smell of both genders? Do straight women who appreciate other women sexually, but only love men prefer the smell of one gender over another? As for Janine, could a smell test help her realize what's up with her boyfriend?
Yours may be the best question of the lot, Curious.
Indeed, some theorists think bisexuality—not heterosexuality—is the default state of most mammal species.
It is boringly common for males of many species to mount one another, for instance; many whales have been observed rubbing their penises together (a text I own shows a rather impressive photo of that); and bonobos—after chimps, our closest genetic relatives—regularly have foreplay and intercourse and, apparently, orgasms, with both genders.
And not only do about 10% of adolescents have one or more same-gender sexual experiences, but researchers since the famed Kinsey in the 1940’s have found that 10% of adults do, too.
Yet various studies have people self-labeling as bi only 1% to 3% of the time.
So what gives?
1. My first guess is Stigma.
That is, research shows there is often prejudice from every side for the bisexual man or woman—not only from straights, but from gays and lesbians, too.
A letter I received last week from a bi woman sums up the complexity of this stigma:
“I’ve quit telling people I’m bi, because nobody has been supportive, no matter their orientation. People want you to fit a nice little category. Some don’t even believe bisexuality exists, as if I’m making it up and haven’t admitted I’m a lesbian. So I live straight and tell people that’s what I am.”
And here’s another letter I received, also from a bi woman who no longer tells folks she’s bi because of the reaction she’s gotten (she now lives as if she is straight):
“Not all folks are All Gay or Nothing. The degree of sexual attraction is not one or the other for some of us. In my case, I have been attracted to both and I did not fall in love with my husband BECAUSE he has a penis; I fell in love with him AND he has a penis....just an added bennie. In other words, it is HIM and not his anatomy that I love.”
2. My second guess is that most people lean very far in one direction—with few smack-dab in the Absolutely Bi middle.
One of the famed Alfred Kinsey’s most important contributions was the idea that sexuality exists along a continuum. And indeed, his data showed that sexual expression is not nearly as either-or as people had formerly assumed.
But. He also found most people skew towards one gender or the other. So, even among those with some bi experience, folks tend to have the majority of their experience with one gender only.
This leaves much room for people to label themselves as straight or gay, and to see their exceptional behavior as…exceptions from their real orientation.
3. Love Is The Answer
Finally, for many of us, every fiber of our emotional being is tied up with only one gender. And as we’ve seen from the article and from one of our commenters here, Whom We *Love* is a huge part of orientation.
Many of us are just very clear that we’re only are drawn to love and lust with one gender or the other, and bi-ness truly hasn’t occurred as an option.
Thanks again for a splendid question.
Dear Bobert,
Brilliant question! You’re referring to the Q&A from “When Love Stinks” (full Q&A and column link are at http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-when-love-stinks.html).
Unfortunately, it’s looking like your ignorance of bisexuals is widely shared in the scientific community…I am having a tough time finding much on much about bi’s, and I found nothing on scent.
As for your other query, Yes, Janine could probably use a smell test to tell whether her boyfriend is gay. And here's why, as taken from the relevant part of the Love Stinks post:
“Yolanda Martins and Charles Wysocki did olfaction research with over 80 straight-or-gay participants who smelled armpit sweat of gay and straight strangers (No, they didn’t stroll up and sniff armpits; participants didn’t even know what they were being tested on. They just sniffed pads that had been worn in strangers’ armpits, and then rated how much they liked the smell.).
"Results?
a) Gay men loved the armpit smells of other gay men more than any other smell;
b) Everyone else put the smell of gay male armpit sweat dead last;
c) Gay men were neutral about straight women’s armpit scents, but actively disliked the sweat smells emanating from samples from lesbians and straight men;
d) Lesbians had the same profile of scent preference as straight men and women did—liking the smell of heterosexuals (male and female) the best.
“Which brings us to yet another question: *Why*? Answers are speculations at this point, so here are the hypotheses:
“First, it appears from many different studies that many women have a more malleable sexual orientation than men do—in other words, a man tends to be either entirely gay or entirely straight in orientation, whereas some women have an element of choice in the matter.
“Second, the odor of a man is determined in part by his testosterone profile—and sexual orientation may flow from that. It behooves women to sniff out those who are Frankly Not Interested In Us, Dahling! And perhaps it’s a boon to men who are gay to sniff out other men who are gay—after centuries of persecution and risks of hatred that can still be appallingly high.”
Thanks for your insight, Bobert. Come again!
Interesting! Did I miss something, or do lesbians actually prefer the scent of straight women and men?
Monica, if you missed something, I did, too...it reads to me as if lesbians, in that one study at least, did prefer the odors of heterosexuals over and above the odors of other lesbians.