Folk Wisdom: Is Her Straight Boyfriend Gay?

Dear Duana, 

I’m quite the Love Science fan, so I (reluctantly) get it that a lot of guys watch some porn without fatally wounding their relationships.    

But what if a supposedly straight guy watches gay porn?  I discovered that my boyfriend has not only browsed a ton of gay porn on the Internet, he’s also searched on many gay sex topics, focusing mostly on men and anal intercourse.    

This disturbs me greatly, because now I know that I don’t know whether my boyfriend is gay, straight or bi.  I’m fine being his friend regardless, but I am not fine with being lied to about it, and I don’t want to be romantically attached to a gay/bi man without even knowing that’s the deal.   

I asked two acquaintances their opinions, and they gave opposite answers.  The straight woman says he’s definitely gay; the gay guy friend says (and I quote), “All men are horny freaks,” so my boyfriend is just a sexually curious straight guy.   

What do you say?

Janine

Dear Janine,

What I’m getting from your letter is that you can be okay with whatever your boyfriend’s sexual orientation is, but you’re not okay with not knowing, and/or being tacitly lied to about it.  Yes? 

Fair enough.  Definite knowledge of your man’s orientation is required for at least three reasons: 

—So you can make an informed choice about what kind of relationship to pursue;

—so you can eliminate dishonesty that is unacceptable between true Intimates;

—and because by definition, *real* friends and lovers have to know each other at Core; otherwise, they’re just playing empty roles. 

And it doesn’t get much more Core than Who We Want. 

Before I offer the science and my own advice, I’d like to give Love Science’s Wise Readers the opportunity.  Then I’ll come back with their input, science’s, and mine. 

So, Wise Readers, please click this link to give your *anonymous*  (and kind—no gay-bashing) answers to this 5-item questionnaire—and I will be back with you here in a week.  Click here to take survey.

If you’d also like to leave a comment here, please feel free, of course; but for the upcoming article, only the survey responses can be used. 

 Eagerly anticipating your wisdom—

Cheers,

Duana

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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010

Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com