Getting Over Her: How to heal a broken heart
Dear Samuel,
Your palpable grief and your question—how do you heal a broken heart?—are timeless and nearly universal.
Heartbreak is the price Love ultimately requires of us. Even the best relationships end sometime, whether in betrayal, breakup, or bereavement after a mate’s death. And while Love is much more vital to human happiness than money or acclaim, its loss is among the most difficult and common things to endure.
So, in the latest Love Science survey , fully 90% of the Wise Respondents had been broken-hearted—often repeatedly (Survey results are summarized beneath my signature.). And memories of the pain sometimes lingered beyond 40 years.
Yet almost all had recovered and Moved On. You can, too. How?
Hold Onto Hope.
A parent’s worst imaginings and scientific investigations confirm that there’s only one unrecoverable loss: the death of a child. Other than that, even when suffering calamities ranging from quadriplegia to HIV, research shows people usually rebound to general society’s and their own former levels of happiness within just one year.
As one man put it, “At 55, with many past heartbreaks and a wonderful wife today, all I can say is there is hope. Don’t give up or go backwards! Put one foot in front of the other, and before you know it you will find someone more worthy of you.”
Hold onto hope. Time does heal, and people are remarkably resilient in the face of even great loss. We can get over almost anything. You’ll recover, too.
Accept Manly Emotions.
Despite a reputation to the contrary, Men In Love are usually *more* emotional than women. Men not only fall in love faster, on average—but once in the relationship, heated discussions are more upsetting and physically overwhelming to them. They’re plunged into greater longing for their mate after the birth of the first child
And they’re more likely to grieve intensely and protractedly when It’s Over.
For example, older men’s top two responses to their mate’s death are a) finding another mate quickly, or b) dying soon thereafter themselves—from loneliness. Women’s response, in contrast, is usually to grieve while continuing long, single and usually well-adjusted lives sustained by a wealth of friendships.
So understand yourself as a man. A man who is emotional, like other men; a man who may need more than a year to move beyond the loss and betrayal you sustained, like other men. A man who is hurt—but not broken.
Understand Normal Grieving.
DABDA. It’s not something Fred Flintstone would’ve said, but an acronym summarizing the normal stages of grief
Denial is about protecting the self from realities that are too overwhelming on impact; so initially, you may have denied that your fiance’ cheated on you, even after you caught her. You’ve almost certainly been angry with her and her lover, and perhaps with yourself for not seeing it sooner; it’s common to try to get some control over painful situations by finding fault with ourselves in hopes of preventing a recurrence. Perhaps you’ve bargained with God, yourself, or your ex about whether you’d take her back—when the loneliness is bad enough, it’s easy to understand why. You might be depressed now, since you’re feeling broken after waiting a year for the grief to pass. And there may have been moments when you felt you had accepted the loss and were ready to move on, only to find yourself back at another stage later.
Although there is no “right” way to grieve—and you can go through just some or all these stages in any order—these are well-documented, *normal* responses to serious losses. You’ve had a serious loss, and simply recognizing yourself in these steps can be a healing comfort. I hope so.
Find Love Again.
Clearly, DABDA shows that being immersed in your emotions—all kinds of emotions—is part of the deal.
But it isn’t the entire deal. Research shows that Distraction is a good strategy for lessening pain—physical and emotional. For instance, burn victims’ brain pain centers show much less activity if they are distracted with snowy scenes during treatments. And when young children grieve the death of a parent, it’s commonly advised that adults keep the kids busy to distract them from constant heartache.
Well, adults need Distraction, too, and our Wise Readers know it. The vast majority of them used techniques ranging from keeping busy to dating again to starting new activities to spending time with friends—but their #1 advice to you was to Date New Women.
An 18-year-old man succinctly said, “You need to go out and try to meet new women. It’s amazing how easily a new, smiling face can start to heal old wounds.”
I agree. Often, the best cure for an old flame is a new flame. Loneliness is literally bad for your psyche and your body and your survival odds—moreso for men than for women at every age. And you sound lonely to me.
It’s less likely that you’d die of loneliness than older men. But you could benefit from the example they—and many Wise Readers of various ages— set when they survive and thrive by finding a new mate to love.
As one Wise Reader in his 50’s said of his recovery from heartbreak decades before, “It’s more like [the heartbreak] got over me…I met another girl who interested me and returned my interest.”
And as a man in his 40’s advised, “Feelings follow actions. Once in love with someone, there will likely be a bit of the heart still in love. However, to move on, one must do the actions of moving on.”
Move on, Samuel. Continue grieving—but Live Your Life. Live it with hope, with compassion for yourself, with understanding about grief…and with someone else.
Find love again. Ultimately, yes, love hurts. But it saves us, too.
Cheers,
Duana
If this article intrigued, surprised, affirmed or enlightened you, please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.comBottom of Form
Survey RESULTS for “Folk Wisdom: How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?”
—with sincere thanks to the 28 Wise Readers who contributed their answers and insights
RESPONDENT AGE:
The ages ranged from 18-61, with an average of 44 and a mean and median of 42.
RESPONDENT GENDER:
34% were male and 64% were female.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HEARTBROKEN?
9 out of 10 of our Wise Reader respondents had been heartbroken.
(Note: It’s possible that the Readers who’d never been heartbroken weren’t inspired to answer the survey, or that those who had totally gotten over their past hurt didn’t participate.)
Their memories were from as recently as yesterday and as long ago as 40+ years. Most had multiple heartbreaks. Many said they still felt some level of pain when recalling their breakup, even if it happened many years ago.
—58-year-old man: “In college, my first steady girlfriend ended our relationship after a couple of years. I recall that the next day, as I sat in a class we both took, she never looked more radiantly beautiful and wonderful than she did that morning.”
—55-year-old man: “My first true love ended our relationship after 3 years of dating because her parents did not believe I could support their daughter.”
—33-year-old woman: “Too many times to recount in this tiny little box.”
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN HEARTBROKEN, HOW DID YOU GET OVER IT?
People’s responses to heartbreak varied widely, and most people used several methods—not just one—to help them heal:
Almost everyone used Distraction to overcome heartbreak. Specifically, keeping busy/starting new activities/improving themselves (36%), dating others (32%), and relying on good friends and family (29%) for support were the most common ways people dealt with their own heartache.
The passage of Time was the #1 thing most Wise Readers shared in common in overcoming loss (43%).
Less-common techniques included avoiding contact with the old flame (12%); taking medications or seeking therapy (8%); falling apart or being suicidal (4%); exercising (4%); or taking care of other people (4%).
—58-year-old man: “It’s more like it got over me… I met another girl who interested me and returned my interest.”
—24-year-old woman: “I moved to a new town, started a new school, made new friends, got a counselor, read books about transitions….waited it out for a year and a half…., went on a lot of first dates (but no seconds), and then finally started dating someone else.”
—39-year-old man: “I became the person I would find attractive myself.”
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF SAMUEL WERE YOUR FRIEND, HOW WOULD YOU ADVISE HIM TO GRIEVE AND MOVE ON?
In line with how people got over their own pain, Wise Readers usually recommended several ways to heal, and the most common single response was to embrace the passage of time as the great healer (43%). As one woman noted, “Time heals a wound and wounds a heel.”
Almost everyone recommended some form of Distraction. Specifically, 32% thought Samuel should start dating again.
Beyond that, no one answer was strongly supported. 12% thought Samuel should talk to his former friends; 12% advised counseling or journaling or medication; 12% extolled turning to good friends. 9% (all male) said avoiding the former lover was a good idea; another 9% advised doing new things, traveling, or making new friends; and another 9% indicated exercise. 4% advised helping others or focusing on a bright future or becoming angry or finding fault with the former lover or reviewing what had been wrong (red flags) from the start so as to avoid future pain.
Finally, 9% said there is no right way to grieve—that Samuel should do whatever occurs to him as the right thing.
—24-year-old woman: “Remember the Sex & the City wisdom that says that getting over someone takes half the time as you were in the relationship (e.g., if it’s a year-long relationship, expect six months). (Did I really just quote Sex & the City for Love Science? I guess this *is* folk wisdom time!!)”
—18-year-old man: “You need to go out and try to meet new women. It’s amazing how easily a new, smiling face can start to heal old wounds.”
—34-year-old woman: “Everyone has things that they have put on hold while in a relationship. Go do…the things that you couldn’t do because of the relationship….Keep yourself busy so you don’t think of her and eventually you won’t. Try and have a relationship with someone else, not necessarily a serious one, just one that will keep you in the company of someone else and not sitting home alone on a Friday night.”
—46-year-old woman: “Going on with your life, seeking out new experiences, and new people to replace the one he had to leave behind will help, but he’ll probably always have a little twinge when he remembers that experience. I think that’s normal.”
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-how-do-you-heal-a-broken-heart.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
John C. Cavanaugh: Dr. Cavanaugh’s textbooks on psychological aging provide excellent summaries of data about men, women, and grief across the lifespan.
Helen Fisher: Dr. Fisher’s Why Him? Why Her?
David G. Myers: Dr. Myers’ textbooks about general psychology and social psychology are treasured resources for information about human resilience, happiness and its sources, and the adaptation level phenomenon that explains how we readily adjust to events good and bad.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: Dr. Kubler-Ross’ work On Grief and Grieving
John Gottman & Julie Gottman: The Drs. Gottman have authored two books that neatly present information about men’s and women’s emotional reactions to arguments
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Reader Comments (19)
I think the new LS piece you posted today and the survey results were great and had some interesting facts about men.
I'm concerned for a friend who lost his wife after 30 years of marriage a month ago. They were childless, and they were each other's world. They lived together, worked together, stuck together so much that it did not seem like many people knew them well.
I don't know how to even approach the level of grief and loss he must feel. How can I be helpful or what should I say?
Trent
Dear Trent,
How tragic for your friend, and how kind of you to consider what to do.
One of the main reasons many men don't live long after their mate's death is men's greater social isolation. Whereas women usually have at least a few friends they spill everything to, men rarely have that.
Typically, the wife brought over the friends, initiated and managed the get-togethers, and provided her husband's main and often only source of deep emotional connection. To lose her is to lose the world--or at least to feel like it.
All of which is to say that I agree: Your friend's loneliness is worrisome. He has so little tying him to the planet. He didn't have kids; his wife was his main social outlet in every regard even at work, and they kept to themselves.
So although you can't take away his pain (nobody can)--here's something you can do that just might save his life:
Invite him to coffee. Every week, if you can. And let him talk about his wife, his grief, or anything else he wants to, for as long as he needs to.
Most bereaved people complain that others don't allow them to speak about their beloved anymore--we don't ask; we shut the conversation down; we bring up another topic. A lot of us are just plain afraid of making the bereaved even more uncomfortable by bringing up the topic of their deceased spouse, and just as many of us are scared of talking about death ourselves.
Which means your friend would probably appreciate hearing something along these lines:
"I didn't know your wife well, but it was clear that she was your world. I don't know the depth of the pain you're feeling now, but I'd like to be your friend through it. I was wondering if I can take you out for coffee next week. You can talk about her all you want, or not, if you don't want to discuss her yet. Just want you to know that people care what happens to you. I do."
Then, all you need to do is follow up. You're a good man, and he's fortunate to have someone who might become a supportive friend.
Duana
Trent,
I have worked with grief support groups in the past, and helping your friend to find his way to one of those could also help. Call a local hospice or hospital or religious congregation to see if they are currently offering any support groups. These grief groups don't just sit around and cry all the time (although they do if that is what the participants want/need!)---they also laugh about how horny they're getting without their spouse or how they will celebrate the holidays or how frustrating it is to pay bills/clean house/do chores that the partner took care of.
And like Duana said, the most important thing you can do is just to be a friend.
Michelle
Trent,
What Michelle said.
Duana
I do like the article. But I find this topic to be very sad and depressing. I couldn't even bring myself to take the survey.
In matters such as these, I tend to be very, very careful. (In law, I believe they call it "exercising an abundance of caution" .... :-)
Although good general advice has been given, had I answered the survey, I wouldn't have given any. As the article points out, men grieve intensely .... and I think a year is a long time to be hurting. I am sorry for that pain.
Samuel has finally reached out, and I admire that. Because individual counseling has helped me so immensely, (lest I repeat my same destruction patterns ... and bring old emotional baggage into a new relationship ...), I would encourage Samuel to gently delve a little deeper.
My favorite link to locate social services in Texas is: www.211texas.org
Another one: http://www.therapistlocator.net/.
For faith-based guidance, consider calling the church or synagogue of your choice. Additionally, consider looking in the local telephone directory or searching online under licensed “Marriage and Family Therapists,” “Psychologists,” “Social Workers” or “Psychotherapists.”
Friends and family are also a great source of referrals, if you're willing to go that route.
I know you can heal! As the article points out, hope springs eternal. It's a process - yabba dabba doo! Ooops, I meant DABDA :) And seriously, counseling isn't just for "crazy" people - I've done it many times myself. And always with positive results.
What a wonderful article, Duana! Grief is something we seem to struggle with in our culture. We tend to hide our feelings in the attempt to "get over" how bad we're feeling. It's important to move on and find someone else to love but it's also important to let those feelings come out when they rise to the surface; give them a voice, an expression. It doesn't mean that we focus on our pain, it's just that when it rises, it should not be ignored or pushed away.
Many other cultures have programmed and ritualized ways of expressing grief which are often outwardly expressive and done with a great show of emotion. I remember thinking how awkward that would be, having to express grief so publicly and loudly. I changed my mind after my father died. I felt lost and alone and wished I had a forum where I could voice my heartbreak outloud. It was surreal at times. There were times when I would feel overcome with emotion at the strangest times, sometimes in front of others. Giving permission to someone to let it out, is a gift to them. To anyone who thinks that a person grieving doesn't want to be reminded of their pain, believe me, they already feel the pain whether you bring it up or not. Expecting them to keep it inside is a bigger burden on them than the pain they would feel letting their feelings out. While you don't want to expect them to open up to you, being there for them when they do is so important!!!
I know your article refers more to the loss of a lover or spouse but grief knows no definiton. Grief just hurts. And grief that is squelched is like a volcano that goes underground...it searches for a way to come to the surface so it can finally find relief.
Candi is right on. Grief is like a volcano. When it comes out, watch out. A guy at my work went through this. You can need a qualified therapist to help you through it. Gillian is right. Go get a therapist. This is not really a question for Love Science or a folk survey. Men especially take losing their relationship very hard. Who knows what all is underneath the surface making them still stuck after one year, and what possibly is ready to explode out. Please go and get a therapist.
Trent,
When my Dad lost his wife of 25 years, the Pastor brought over this book, titled Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg:
http://www.christianbook.com/good-grief-granger-westberg/9780800611149/pd/11144?kw=good_grief&event=PPCSRC&p=1020037&cm_mmc=MSN-_-Titles-_-titles%201-_-good%20grief
When I looked it up online, I was pretty impressed it was receiving 5 out of 5 stars.
Maybe bring that over, and mention you have an extra ticket to a game/event your friend would like to see. (Anything to get him out of the house). Insist that he go with you on a date certain - don't leave it open-ended. If it feels right, open a conversation (I love Duana's suggestion) or just let it be. Simply having your presence could be enough ....
OMGosh! My post sounded like I was sending Trent on a "date" with his friend. Sorry, I should have worded that better. But you get the idea. Choose a definite time, not just the nebulous "sometime" ...which too often never comes.
Dear Gillian, Candi, Panda5, and Joan,
Thank you for your many valid suggestions and comments.
Gillian, I am a big fan of therapy (and social support; thanks for the link) as a way to add tools to the Toolbox O' Life--whether and especially if we are grieving.
Also, I hear you about not wanting to give Samuel advice. My first response included the words, "Don't let anybody tell you how to grieve. Including me."
Grieving is a highly individual process. For some, therapy is an answer--for many, they can do without it. For some, dating is an answer--for others, they can't even think of it. And for most, there's not just one right answer or approach--but many.
But in general, I think it does help people to read what is "normal"--makes them feel less alone. And I think it helped Samuel (or so he said) to hear that it was okay to date again--which he is now doing.
Candi,
I like your observation that the grieving rituals of other cultures could bring a measure of relief we so often lack in the USA.
Beyond that, your words are Wise and bear repeating: "To anyone who thinks that a person grieving doesn't want to be reminded of their pain, believe me, they already feel the pain whether you bring it up or not. Expecting them to keep it inside is a bigger burden on them than the pain they would feel letting their feelings out."
Well-said.
Panda5, I thank you for acknowledging how difficult grieving can be for men in particular.
And I think this is exactly the right kind of topic for Love Science. Sure, it's ludicrous to think any of these topics can be covered in under 1,000 words (ex: Infidelity in under 1,000 words. Seriously?!).
But the fact is, other advice columns are covering them--and doing it with nothing but one person's usually self-informed opinion...opinions their readerships often take very seriously.
Which is why I do try to ask Others--scientists, research articles, and Wise Readers--as I consider, very carefully and very care-fully, what to write.
That said, I certainly don't claim to have the only answer to any of the topics covered here.
In a more general way, one of the things I liked about doing this article was getting past the dominant experience I've witnessed when people grieve, which I have named "Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't."
Seems no matter what people do following a relationship's end, they're judged for it. If you're dating, it's a "rebound relationship." If you're crying a lot, you're "wallowing in your grief." If you're engaged in 1,000 activities, you're "running from your pain." It can be tough, at times, to know just what would make everyone in one's life happy with one's behavior whilst one is grieving a terrible loss.
I just wanted Samuel to know what Normal looks like; to give himself a break; and to do the one thing that helps most heartsick men: date again. He appreciated that--and resumed dating. He's since written that he's pulling through. I'm tremendously heartened for him, and ever-awed by the resilience that resides in the human heart.
Joan,
Your suggestion is right-on. And although I've not read "Good Grief," I have also heard it's helpful.
Other helpful titles include any of Kubler-Ross' books--she literally discovered DABDA, and she writes movingly of how people deal with all kinds of serious losses.
And for anyone going through grief and struggling with other people's reactions--struggling with the question of how God lets all this happen--or just plain struggling (with any kind of grief), I highly recommend Rabbi Harold Kushner's classic work, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People."
Upshot? People can get help in many ways. Hopefully, these books and this article can help.
But the best ways tend to involve relationships (friendships and mateships and therapeutic relationships) with other people. Humans need other humans. And we need those other humans to be compassionate.
As you yourself have always been in your posts!
Nice post. It is quiet inspirational.
Thank you, Derek. I don't think I've seen your name here before; good to know you're here. Welcome.
So glad that Samuel is doing better! I love to hear the follow-up results.
Personally, I find this column (including the survey results and reader comments) to be very interesting and serendipitous (sp?) Not for me, but for a project I'm working on. I've been editing a course for divorced parents, who obviously have experienced the loss of a relationship. (I'm not a therapist, thank goodness, just an editor ... )
Basically, that course reaches the same conclusion as this article: Get out there, and live life! Another dovetail with the course: Knowing what's "normal" is very comforting. People who've experienced a loss find it helpful to know how others got through it.
Personally, I'm fascinated and very moved by all the comments (especially Candi's). They show the depth and need for the full range of support in matters of loss, anything from a shot of courage in the arm, to individualized psychotherapy. All good. I even found myself agreeing with Gillian that the whole thing is just very sad. But still we have to deal with it.
Personally, I love to hear what others would do when presented with a certain situation. If I have no idea, it gives me some ideas. If I have an idea, but wonder if it's "normal," the survey results will answer that for me.
So, I guess I wrote all that to say I enjoy the surveys, the articles, and the all the reader comments, so please keep them coming!
I find it very sad that at a time when a person needs the support of others, they are often concerned about how to be accepted, how to blend in, how to do what is normal. Even though finding out what is normal is helpful and reassuring, it can backfire with someone who's going about the process of grieving in the wrong way by worrying too much about what other people think. When I used to cry I would often apologize to the person I was with. Then I realized that by showing my emotions in their presence I am essentially showing my trust in them not to judge me. That is quite honoring. I can't say it strong enough, there is healing in sharing our burdens with each other, especially when that friend steps in to shoulder a burden with us instead of judging how well we are struggling with it. Their only reason for fear is in being judged like Duana's following quote suggests.
****Seems no matter what people do following a relationship's end, they're judged for it. If you're dating, it's a "rebound relationship." If you're crying a lot, you're "wallowing in your grief." If you're engaged in 1,000 activities, you're "running from your pain." It can be tough, at times, to know just what would make everyone in one's life happy with one's behavior whilst one is grieving a terrible loss.****
Thank you for your kind words, Duana and Joan. And I completely agree that this topic is a GOOD one for LoveScience to address. Love and Grief are so intimately connected, just like Love and Joy. When we give our heart there is always some kind of sacrifice or it would not be real. There is enough superficiality in the world. Although I think it's important to have a positive attitude, our culture has often neglected to accept the deeper issues of true love and deep passion and has, in the process, cheapened the very idea of what love is all about. The bed of roses often has a fair share of thorns to go with it. But who in their right "heart" would want it any other way?
I'm glad to hear that Samuel is doing okay and that our words have helped him. He will have times where his heart will feel like it's breaking again but I hope in time those episodes will come less often and with less intensity.
Joan and Candi,
Thank you for your wisdom, your kindness, your gratitude, and your compassion with yourselves and others.
Candi, I absolutely get it that when people grieve--about any loss--they often feel like they spend more time taking care of other people's reactions to their grief than they do taking care of themselves.
My best friend passed away from cancer at a very young age--32. Her struggle lasted over a decade, and for much of it, there were few people she would speak to about her struggles and griefs, because most folks fell apart and could not be a support to her.
Let us be gentle with one another and let others share their pain without the burden of our judgement. That pain is, after all, inextricably linked to the joy of love. And we ourselves will all require that compassion someday.
very nice post, really i learn more from this blog. great work.