Folk Wisdom: How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?

Dear Duana,

My fiancé cheated on me, and it broke my heart.  I ended our relationship, but I’m still not over her.  For a year, it’s haunted me.  Last night, it hit me like a Mike Tyson punch:  If she were to return, I don’t know if I would turn her away, or foolishly take her back. 

Is it normal to still be effected by something that happened so long ago?  Is this grief and confusion normal, or am I broken?   If I’m broken, how do I fix myself?  If I’m grieving, how do I do that and move on? 

Samuel

Dear Samuel,

I don’t think you’re broken—just badly hurt and in need of some help and comfort as you grieve a great loss.  I hope you find next week’s column to offer both when I answer your questions more thoroughly.

In the meantime, though, I want to consult our Wise Readers and ask:  How do *you* heal a broken heart?  And what would you recommend for Samuel? 

So, Wise Readers, please Click this link to give your *anonymous*answers to this 5-item questionnaire—and I will be back with you here in a week. 

If you’d also like to leave a comment here, please feel free, of course; but for the upcoming article, only the survey responses can be used. 

Eagerly anticipating your wisdom—Cheers,

Duana

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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010

Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com

Comments

[Sonja]

A broken heart needs lots of time to heal, to go through what happened and clear the "why"s. If you are the one with the broken heart - take time, cry, but also talk to your spouse or best friend about your feelings. It is very important... to do that. You should not keep it inside yourself otherwise it cannot/will not heal. If you are the one that has a friend or spouse that has a broken heart - give him/her lots of time but always let him/her know that you are right there. Hug her/him a lot. Cry with him/her and just be there for him/her. She/he will know that you are always there. But most of all, be a good listener. Time heals most broken hearts, some will stay scared forever. It all depends on the hurt person.

[Patti]

Sorry to hear that you are still hurting. It's been almost two years and I am still hurting from my husband cheating on me and leaving me. I was actually just thinking about this on my drive to work. Am I broken? Will I ever TRULY get over this hurt? My self esteem is shot and haven't figured out how to fix that as well. I know it's takes time and I feel like I've come a long way but also know that I have a LONG way to go to. I have found comfort in church and good friends who are there to listen, not judge because they have no idea what we are going through. I think about my ex calling me to say he is sorry and that he wants me back. And then I remember the hurt he has caused me and then I realize that I can never trust him again. That person will always be in our hearts but I don't think they are worthy of breaking us, (out heart) again. Good luck to you.

[Sonja]

Samuel, I am not an expert and my answer above was just a brief explanation of how I feel a broken heart could be mended again. We all have situations where we get terribly hurt by a loved one. Why we have to go through this, I really don't know. I know these Mike Tyson punches quite well because I too have a broken heart. It's been a long time and I think it's because of many different incidences that have happened over the years that I've been around. I get my feelings hurt very easy and I think it just stix around and keeps cutting deeper and deeper. We are all humans with great feelings and wonderful emotions. We love to be happy and feel safe especially around those that we love so dearly. I am so sorry to hear about your fiance and about what she did. I believe that she must have either gotten cold feet or she just was too shy to say that she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. OK, another deep cut in your heart now, right. I am so sorry buddy but you have to look at it with open eyes. Even though you loved her and were ready to make that commitment, she apparently was not and she decided to let you know the worst way ever. Betrayal already before marriage is really hard to digest. Therefore, work through it. Talk to your best friend. I don't know if you actually have already talked to her about how much she has hurt you and how this will affect your trust toward another relationship. It's been a year, which is quite long to suffer. Please, let it go. I know it's not easy but you need/must let it go. She's done you so wrong and you guys are no longer together - please move on. However, if she really means to you so much and she is willing to give another try, just talk to her again. What that will actually do, I don't know. You don't want to get hurt again and have her "rule" the rest of your life in your head. Remember the movie "The Wedding Singer". He was devastated and heart broken but he had friends who helped him go through it and actually it turned out really well. OK, it's a movie with a happy ending but so can it be for you too Samuel. Try anything to get her out of your head - you must, for your own sake and sanity. I am sure that you have people around you that care and love you. So, take their offer to help - don't push them away. Hope this helps some and I hope that you will find peace in your heart and mind one day.

[Bryan]

Sam, I don't know how long you were in the relationship, but it's been over a year now and you should consciously moving on.
I suspect your recent introspection is influenced by a current "low" period or just seasonal reflection.
The positive aspect is that you were saved from a marriage that could have been a disaster.
You are grieving for the niave relationship and have perhaps forgotten the betrayal.
Remind yourself of the reasons that you are no longer together.
Also, find a better metaphor than Mike Tyson.
How about "it trampled me like a thundering herd racing to the 'All You Can Eat" bar after a Weightwatcher's meeting."
Comedy is good. Go find some.