Q&A for “Affair-Proofing Your Marriage: Fidelity 2.0”
Wise Readers,
If you want an affair-free union, being (and finding) a good person isn’t enough. But what are the differences between keeping a man versus a woman faithful? Do women have fewer, or more, affairs with age? And how do lifestyle and culture help or hinder affairs?
Read on!
Cheers, Duana
—How Do I Keep *Him* Faithful?—
From Katherine:
I loved this! But I was hoping for an article that specified how to keep men faithful. I’m inferring that keeping men faithful is achieved in the same way as keeping women faithful? I feel good about my own fidelity, and less confident about my boyfriend’s.
Duana responds:
Hi, Katherine,
Thanks for holding me to my promise to get back to the topic of keeping *him* faithful. The reason I wound up answering Ruby’s question —about keeping herself and her husband faithful—rather than any of the myriad letters about keeping only the man faithful is this:
What works for keeping men and women true is largely the same.
But there are these notable exceptions:
1. Some men are willful philanderers (see the article from two weeks ago regarding Cheating’s 5 Usual Suspects). Frankly, marriage is not going to change that. Nor is monitoring the Fences or the Smoke Alarm—a guy who wants to cheat, will. Best, then, to start out with a guy whose goal is fidelity.
(There are a lot of them.)
2. There’s a difference in how Happiness relates to men’s and women’s affairs.
Unhappy women *do* cheat a lot more than happy women—and if men want a faithful woman, simply making sure she feels loved and sexually satisfied is helpful in preventing her *actively* seeking out an affair. Lonely women—and sexually unhappy women—make good lovers.
But. That does not mean happiness prevents women’s *accidental* affairs—just that unhappiness seems to motivate women to be actively open to a liaison.
On the other hand, happiness is, really and truly, statistically unrelated to men’s affairs. Except, as I’ve noted elsewhere, for the one study showing the happiest men were those who were having willful, casual-sex flings on the side.
Upshot? Any way you slice it, Happiness is no protector of fidelity.
3. Strangely enough, Demanding Women may have more faithful mates.
Whereas The Lore tells us men have affairs because their home lives are too demanding—the reverse is true.
Glass’ research showed that most men having affairs are being asked to do *too little* at home, not too much.
So, if you expect your boyfriend to spend his energy on and with you; if his presence and effort at home and in your relationship are required (not merely optional)—then you’re on your way to affair-proofing your union.
Because where men are much-involved, they’re much-invested.
*But if you’re the fallback when your man does not already have plans, or if everything at home is taken care of (no need for his help!)—it’s time to start making some nicely-worded demands on his time and energy :). (“Nicely-worded” …not “bitterly-worded”. Here’s an article to guide you.)
* (Disclaimer: This assumes your boyfriend and you have a marital level of commitment already…if you’re newly dating or he’s unsure of his commitment level, making demands is likely to kill his buzz and ruin your relationship!)
—Do Women Have Fewer Affairs As They Age? And if so, Why?—
From Joan:
Is there a certain age group that is more prone to affairs than others? I’m especially interested in women. (Hmmm… that might have come out wrong.) What I mean is: How many women have extra-marital affairs at any point in their lifetimes? And were the majority of those women under age, say 50?
Duana responds:
Hi, Joan,
Your questions about women’s affair rates are interesting. As it happens, until the 1990’s, more men had affairs than women did (Also, men had a larger *number* of affairs—serially cheating—compared to women.).
More recently, though, Glass found that the number of women having at least one affair at some point in a marriage has reached parity with men’s affair probability. Men who cheated still have a higher number of lifetime affair partners, in general. But equal numbers of men and women are cheating at some point in the marriage, now: around half (not half at any given moment—half over the marital lifespan).
Glass related that to changing workforce conditions, first and foremost, as well as to women’s having become more sexually open during the same historical timeframe.
It’s important to note, though, that Glass’ estimates of affair rates are based on sexual affairs, emotional affairs, and sexual/emotional affairs. Those who only think full intercourse constitutes an affair would find lower infidelity rates.
Now to your query regarding women’s age and affairs: Young and beautiful women are more likely to have affairs, simply because that’s who men pursue. Men love youth and beauty because their Genes crave a fertile partner—and few women past the age of 50 are fertile.
Upshot? Men don’t pursue older women for sexual relationships nearly as often as they pursue younger women. And where there is no opportunity, there are few affairs.
(Interestingly, our hero David Buss found that men’s sexual jealousy seems to disappear at the same time that their wives’ fertility exits the scene. Men are unconsciously protecting their Genetic paternity—making sure they don’t wind up unwittingly raising someone else’s offspring.)
If you’re trying to date, that’s a bummer that’s been dealt with at an earlier LS article. But if you’re married and don’t want the attention—time tends to take care of that.
—How Can Lifestyle Keep You Out Of The Line Of Fire?—
(Or, if you’re not tempted to stray, is something *wrong* with you?)
(And what does this say about societies that wall women away from men?)
From Gillian:
I really, really like this article, and I love your response to Ruby. But quite honestly in my 10+ years of marriage, this has never come up for me. (Maybe it’s because I work at home …)
But I’m beginning to wonder if I’m from another galaxy:)
Do other people really think about sex, and having sex … alot? Quite honestly I am too exhausted to have an affair.
A good book, some quiet time, and little mini-series on the Hallmark channel sounds pretty good to me … :)
Signed,
Married but not dead (though compared to others, it sure sounds like it :)
Duana responds:
Hi, Gillian,
I think you’re more “Married But Removed From The Line Of Fire”.
I wrote this article because staying faithful and/or keeping their mate faithful *is* a huge problem for a lot of people, male and female—and lately, I’ve been hearing from these folks more and more, asking for the advice specified in this article.
What these Wise Readers have in common, though, is a circumstance you don’t seem to fit: They and their mates have jobs or hobbies or groups they belong to that repeatedly place them near attractive Others.
And that makes sense. In the USA and other developed nations, the #1 way affair partners initially meet and begin the slippery slide is at work.
The reason work operates that way is that it puts people in *daily* contact that can foster intimacy over time, and without which an “accidental affair” like this is unlikely to occur, since relatively few people go out of their way to plan an indiscretion. Most affairs kind of sneak up on people.
So, if you rarely-to-never meet anyone but your husband to begin with, by definition you’re highly unlikely to have an affair!
From Todd:
Hi. Your response to Gillian seems kind of close to saying that women should be kept under lock and key. I doubt you think that, but I’m interested in your take on societies that prevent affairs by keeping women sequestered away from men.
Duana responds:
Hi again, Todd. I’m loving your questions.
As a woman who works outside the home, and who lives in a country where individual freedom is prized from the Constitution on down, my opinion is neither vague nor without bias.
I think keeping women away from men to the extent you’re describing is wrong at a human rights level; it amounts to jailing half the population.
This view also goes for families where one spouse (research indicates it’s nearly always the man) forces the other spouse (nearly always the woman) to live a life that is all but jailed. Husbands who fly into a rage over their wives merely having left the house? Who check their mate’s every communique with others (such as with their own moms)? Or who threaten violence if she takes a job outside the home? I’ve seen it all. And I heartily disapprove.
The research on affairs makes it abundantly clear that yes, most affairs —male and female—happen because of ill-monitored contacts made at work. But the vast majority of work contacts do not result in affairs, and the steps described in the article are safe ways to still have Friends and keep the Boundaries that are best for marital intimacy and fidelity.
Throwing out women’s freedom is an extreme, unnecessary, and objectionable act when some very simple interventions would allow everyone a human level of movement on Planet Earth.
Better to throw out the jailer’s key.
—Reader summary: Keeping *oneself* faithful is the point—
From Tom:
I read Duana’s article as not about “how to keep him faithful” or “how to keep her faithful” but rather as how to keep *oneself* faithful.
Opportunity is certainly a major driver of the frequency of affairs. No fuel, no flame. I would also take a long, hard look at a particular person’s *needs* and *fears*. Gillian made a good statement indicating that she didn’t feel a need to engage a man other than her mate. There could also be people for whom fear is a positive driver toward an affair (fear of being unwanted, unseen or un-alive) or a negative driver (fear of losing one’s children or one’s social position, among many other possibilities).
From personal experience: I thought about sex, plenty, during my married years. I thought about how I could have more (love, sex) with my wife. I certainly worked outside the home, and I certainly “feared” the real consequences of being unfaithful more than I “needed” to have more sex. I took business trips … there was one, and only one, credible offer … and I turned it down.
Anyway, the answer is within each of us, and not with coming up with a formula for bubble-wrapping the relationship and by implication the other person’s individual choices. The discussion of boundaries resonated with me. Thank you ;-)
As for “demanding” partners: I can envision a partner who is demanding of time/effort but who repels his/her partner rather than increasing their commitment. If my partner indicates to me that my involvement *matters* to her and increases her respect and admiration for me … I can go for that! And twice on Sundays.
Duana responds:
Hi, Tom,
Good to hear from you again. I agree with your points 100%. The best affair to prevent is one’s own; the best Fences are created jointly; and the best way to ask for more of your partner’s time and energy is with Honey, not Vinegar.
PS: Good for you for turning down Ms. Credible Offer :).
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/affair-proofing-your-marriage-fidelity-20.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/keeping-him-faithful-10-five-guys-to-watch-out-for.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-keeping-him-faithful-10-five-guys-to-watch-out-for.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/affairs-forgiveness-you-oh-my.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-forgive-an-affair-he-wont-admit.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/her-cheatin-heart-infidelitys-aftermath.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists & sources:
—Shirley Glass, for authoring THE book on affair prevention and recovery—Not “Just Friends” : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal —and doing much of the research showing what works and what doesn’t.
—David M. Buss and his book The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex , which explains how Jealousy can be an advantageous smoke alarm.
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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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