Q&A for "Getting Over Her: How to heal a broken heart"

Wise Readers,  

Heartbreak:  It happens to nearly everyone at some point, and you gave your input for dealing with it.  But why are men at a greater risk of death after losing a mate than women are?  How can you help a friend through great grief—even the death of a spouse?  Is therapy really necessary—or one way that works for some?  And is this even a good topic for Love Science?!

Read on! 

Cheers, Duana

—How Do I Help A Friend In Grief?—And Why Is Grieving Tougher On Men?—

(And what are the resources available?)

From Trent: 

I think the new LS piece you posted today and the survey results were great and had some interesting facts about men.

I’m concerned for a friend who lost his wife after 30 years of marriage a month ago. They were childless, and they were each other’s world. They lived together, worked together, stuck together so much that it did not seem like many people knew them well.

I don’t know how to even approach the level of grief and loss he must feel. How can I be helpful or what should I say?
Trent

Duana’s response:

Dear Trent,

How tragic for your friend, and how kind of you to consider what to do.

One of the main reasons many men don’t live long after their mate’s death is men’s greater social isolation. Whereas women usually have at least a few friends they spill everything to, men rarely have that.

Typically, the wife brought over the friends, initiated and managed the get-togethers, and provided her husband’s main and often only source of deep emotional connection. To lose her is to lose the world—or at least to feel like it.

All of which is to say that I agree: Your friend’s loneliness is worrisome. He has so little tying him to the planet. He didn’t have kids; his wife was his main social outlet in every regard even at work, and they kept to themselves.

So although you can’t take away his pain (nobody can)—here’s something you can do that just might save his life:
Invite him to coffee. Every week, if you can. And let him talk about his wife, his grief, or anything else he wants to, for as long as he needs to.

Most bereaved people complain that others don’t allow them to speak about their beloved anymore—we don’t ask; we shut the conversation down; we bring up another topic. A lot of us are just plain afraid of making the bereaved even more uncomfortable by bringing up the topic of their deceased spouse, and just as many of us are scared of talking about death ourselves.

Which means your friend would probably appreciate hearing something along these lines:

“I didn’t know your wife well, but it was clear that she was your world. I don’t know the depth of the pain you’re feeling now, but I’d like to be your friend through it. I was wondering if I can take you out for coffee next week. You can talk about her all you want, or not, if you don’t want to discuss her yet. Just want you to know that people care what happens to you. I do.”

Then, all you need to do is follow up. You’re a good man, and he’s fortunate to have someone who might become a supportive friend.

Duana

From Michelle:

Trent,

I have worked with grief support groups in the past, and helping your friend to find his way to one of those could also help. Call a local hospice or hospital or religious congregation to see if they are currently offering any support groups. These grief groups don’t just sit around and cry all the time (although they do if that is what the participants want/need!)—-they also laugh about how horny they’re getting without their spouse or how they will celebrate the holidays or how frustrating it is to pay bills/clean house/do chores that the partner took care of.

And like Duana said, the most important thing you can do is just to be a friend.

Michelle

Duana’s response:

Trent,

What Michelle said.

Duana

From Joan

Trent,

When my Dad lost his wife of 25 years, the Pastor brought over this book, titled Good Grief, by Granger E. Westberg. 
When I looked it up online, I was pretty impressed it was receiving 5 out of 5 stars.

Maybe bring that over, and mention you have an extra ticket to a game/event your friend would like to see. (Anything to get him out of the house). Insist that he go with you on a date certain - don’t leave it open-ended. If it feels right, open a conversation (I love Duana’s suggestion) or just let it be. Simply having your presence could be enough ….

Duana’s response:

Joan,

Your suggestion is right-on. And although I’ve not read “Good Grief,” I have also heard it’s helpful.

Other helpful titles include any of Kubler-Ross’ books (see “scientists & sources” below this article)—she literally discovered DABDA, and she writes movingly of how people deal with all kinds of serious losses.

And for anyone going through grief and struggling with other people’s reactions—struggling with the question of how God lets all this happen—or just plain struggling (with any kind of grief), I highly recommend Rabbi Harold Kushner’s classic work, “When Bad Things Happen To Good People.”

Upshot? People can get help in many ways. Hopefully, these books and this article can help.

But the best ways tend to involve relationships—friendships and mateships and therapeutic relationships—with other people. Humans need other humans. And we need those other humans to be compassionate.

As you yourself have always been in your posts!

From Gillian:  

I do like the article. But I find this topic to be very sad and depressing. I couldn’t even bring myself to take the survey.

In matters such as these, I tend to be very, very careful. (In law, I believe they call it “exercising an abundance of caution” …. :-)

Although good general advice has been given, had I answered the survey, I wouldn’t have given any. As the article points out, men grieve intensely …. and I think a year is a long time to be hurting. I am sorry for that pain.

Samuel has finally reached out, and I admire that. Because individual counseling has helped me so immensely, (lest I repeat my same destruction patterns … and bring old emotional baggage into a new relationship …), I would encourage Samuel to gently delve a little deeper.

My favorite link to locate social services in Texas is: www.211texas.org

Another one: http://www.therapistlocator.net/.

For faith-based guidance, consider calling the church or synagogue of your choice. Additionally, consider looking in the local telephone directory or searching online under licensed “Marriage and Family Therapists,” “Psychologists,” “Social Workers” or “Psychotherapists.”

Friends and family are also a great source of referrals, if you’re willing to go that route.

I know you can heal! As the article points out, hope springs eternal. It’s a process - yabba dabba doo! Ooops, I meant DABDA :) And seriously, counseling isn’t just for “crazy” people - I’ve done it many times myself. And always with positive results.

Duana’s response:

Gillian, I am a big fan of therapy (and social support; thanks for the link) as a way to add tools to the Toolbox O’ Life—whether and especially if we are grieving.

Also, I hear you about not wanting to give Samuel advice. My first response included the words, “Don’t let anybody tell you how to grieve. Including me.”

Grieving is a highly individual process. For some, therapy is an answer—for many, they can do without it. For some, dating is an answer—for others, they can’t even think of it.

And for most, there’s not just one right answer or approach—but many.

But in general, I think it’s important to give the advice requested, because Grief is a human universal and we have to face it someday in some form.  I think it does help people to read what is “normal”—makes them feel less alone. And I think it helped Samuel (or so he said) to hear that it was okay to date again—which he is now doing.

—What If Our Culture Taught Us How To Grieve?—

From Candi:

What a wonderful article, Duana! Grief is something we seem to struggle with in our (USA) culture. We tend to hide our feelings in the attempt to “get over” how bad we’re feeling. It’s important to move on and find someone else to love but it’s also important to let those feelings come out when they rise to the surface; give them a voice, an expression. It doesn’t mean that we focus on our pain, it’s just that when it rises, it should not be ignored or pushed away.

Many other cultures have programmed and ritualized ways of expressing grief which are often outwardly expressive and done with a great show of emotion. I remember thinking how awkward that would be, having to express grief so publicly and loudly. I changed my mind after my father died. I felt lost and alone and wished I had a forum where I could voice my heartbreak out loud. It was surreal at times. There were times when I would feel overcome with emotion at the strangest times, sometimes in front of others. Giving permission to someone to let it out, is a gift to them. To anyone who thinks that a person grieving doesn’t want to be reminded of their pain, believe me, they already feel the pain whether you bring it up or not. Expecting them to keep it inside is a bigger burden on them than the pain they would feel letting their feelings out. While you don’t want to expect them to open up to you, being there for them when they do is so important!!!

I know your article refers more to the loss of a lover or spouse but grief knows no definition. Grief just hurts. And grief that is squelched is like a volcano that goes underground…it searches for a way to come to the surface so it can finally find relief.

Duana’s response:

Candi,

I like your observation that the grieving rituals of other cultures could bring a measure of relief we so often lack in the USA.

Beyond that, your words are Wise and bear repeating: “To anyone who thinks that a person grieving doesn’t want to be reminded of their pain, believe me, they already feel the pain whether you bring it up or not. Expecting them to keep it inside is a bigger burden on them than the pain they would feel letting their feelings out.”

Well-said.

—Is Grieving An Appropriate Topic For Love Science?—

From Panda5:

Candi is right on. Grief is like a volcano. When it comes out, watch out. A guy at my work went through this. You can need a qualified therapist to help you through it. Gillian is right. Go get a therapist. This is not really a question for Love Science or a folk survey. Men especially take losing their relationship very hard. Who knows what all is underneath the surface making them still stuck after one year, and what possibly is ready to explode out. Please go and get a therapist.

Duana’s response:

Panda5, I thank you for acknowledging how difficult grieving can be for men in particular.

And I think this is exactly the right kind of topic for Love Science. Sure, it’s ludicrous to think any of these topics can be covered in under 1,000 words (ex: Infidelity in under 1,000 words. Seriously?!).

But the fact is, Grief Is Universal and must be dealt with.  And other advice columns are covering these topics—and doing it with nothing but one person’s usually self-informed opinion…opinions their readerships often take very seriously.

Which is why I do try to ask Others—scientists, research articles, and Wise Readers—as I consider, very carefully and very care-fully, what to write.

That said, I certainly don’t claim to have the only answer to any of the topics covered here.

In a more general way, one of the things I liked about doing this article was getting past the dominant experience I’ve witnessed when people grieve, which I have named “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t.”

Seems no matter what people do following a relationship’s end, they’re judged for it. If you’re dating, it’s a “rebound relationship.” If you’re crying a lot, you’re “wallowing in your grief.” If you’re engaged in 1,000 activities, you’re “running from your pain.” It can be tough, at times, to know just what would make everyone in one’s life happy with one’s behavior whilst one is grieving a terrible loss.

I just wanted Samuel to know what Normal looks like; to give himself a break; and to do the one thing that helps most heartsick men: date again. He appreciated that—and resumed dating. He’s since written that he’s pulling through. I’m tremendously heartened for him, and ever-awed by the resilience that resides in the human heart.

From Joan:

So glad that Samuel is doing better! I love to hear the follow-up results.

Personally, I find this column (including the survey results and reader comments) to be very interesting and serendipitous.  Not for me, but for a project I’m working on. I’ve been editing a course for divorced parents, who obviously have experienced the loss of a relationship. (I’m not a therapist, thank goodness, just an editor … )

Basically, that course reaches the same conclusion as this article: Get out there, and live life! Another dovetail with the course: Knowing what’s “normal” is very comforting. People who’ve experienced a loss find it helpful to know how others got through it.

Personally, I’m fascinated and very moved by all the comments (especially Candi’s). They show the depth and need for the full range of support in matters of loss, anything from a shot of courage in the arm, to individualized psychotherapy. All good. I even found myself agreeing with Gillian that the whole thing is just very sad. But still we have to deal with it.

I love to hear what others would do when presented with a certain situation. If I have no idea, it gives me some ideas. If I have an idea, but wonder if it’s “normal,” the survey results will answer that for me.

So, I guess I wrote all that to say I enjoy the surveys, the articles, and the all the reader comments, so please keep them coming!

From Candi:

I find it very sad that at a time when a person needs the support of others, they are often concerned about how to be accepted, how to blend in, how to do what is normal. Even though finding out what is normal is helpful and reassuring, it can backfire with someone who’s going about the process of grieving in the wrong way by worrying too much about what other people think. When I used to cry I would often apologize to the person I was with. Then I realized that by showing my emotions in their presence I am essentially showing my trust in them not to judge me. That is quite honoring. I can’t say it strongly enough, there is healing in sharing our burdens with each other, especially when that friend steps in to shoulder a burden with us instead of judging how well we are struggling with it. Their only reason for fear is in being judged like Duana’s following quote suggests.

****Seems no matter what people do following a relationship’s end, they’re judged for it. If you’re dating, it’s a “rebound relationship.” If you’re crying a lot, you’re “wallowing in your grief.” If you’re engaged in 1,000 activities, you’re “running from your pain.” It can be tough, at times, to know just what would make everyone in one’s life happy with one’s behavior whilst one is grieving a terrible loss.****

Thank you for your kind words, Duana and Joan. And I completely agree that this topic is a GOOD one for LoveScience to address. Love and Grief are so intimately connected, just like Love and Joy. When we give our heart there is always some kind of sacrifice or it would not be real. There is enough superficiality in the world. Although I think it’s important to have a positive attitude, our culture has often neglected to accept the deeper issues of true love and deep passion and has, in the process, cheapened the very idea of what love is all about. The bed of roses often has a fair share of thorns to go with it. But who in their right “heart” would want it any other way?

I’m glad to hear that Samuel is doing okay and that our words have helped him. He will have times where his heart will feel like it’s breaking again but I hope in time those episodes will come less often and with less intensity.

Duana’s response:  

Joan and Candi,

Thank you for your wisdom, your kindness, your gratitude, and your compassion with yourselves and others.

Candi, I absolutely get it that when people grieve—about any loss—they often feel like they spend more time taking care of other people’s reactions to their grief than they do taking care of themselves.

My best friend passed away from cancer at a very young age—32. Her struggle lasted over a decade, and for much of it, there were few people she would speak to about her griefs and worries, because most folks fell apart and then needed *her* to take care of *them*.  They could not be a support to her.

Let us be gentle with one another and let others share their pain without the burden of our judgment. That pain is, after all, inextricably linked to the joy of love.

And we ourselves will all require that compassion someday.

Cheers,

Duana

Related Love Science articles:

 http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-how-do-you-heal-a-broken-heart.html

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html

The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists & sources:

 John C. Cavanaugh:  Dr. Cavanaugh’s textbooks on psychological aging provide excellent summaries of data about men, women, and grief across the lifespan. 

Helen Fisher:  Dr. Fisher’s Why Him? Why Her? summarizes some of the well-known key emotional differences and similarities between men and women. 

David G. Myers:  Dr. Myers’ textbooks about general psychology and social psychology are treasured resources for information about human resilience, happiness and its sources, and the adaptation level phenomenon that explains how we readily adjust to events good and bad.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: Dr. Kubler-Ross’ work On Grief and Grieving became the classic path to understanding the stages most people move through as they mourn any significant loss. 

If this article intrigued, surprised, affirmed or enlightened you, please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website. 

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010

Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com

Comments

[Panda5]

I think having a general discussion about grief is one thing. What I mean is that answering an individual person about grief should be referred to a licensed therapist. That is my opinion. No disrespect of you is intended. There could be much more to the picture. My co-worker had suicidial thoughts because his girlfriend left him. He needed to go to counseling to figure out what happened and why it kept happening to him. Not go out and get another girlfriend. I am not disrespecting you. I like your column and keep coming back. I needed to say my peace. thanks, Panda

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Panda, I understand and appreciate your perspective, and I am glad you write in here. You've brought up a lot of good comments over the months, and your Wisdom is valuable!

However, I think assuming that therapists are the only ones who can validly help with any one individual's grief goes against the evidence and against a core ethic here at Love Science.

Here are three reasons why (and thank you for the opportunity to really Think about this--I don't think I'd completely explained it to anyone before):

First, it just isn't so that only a therapist can help heal emotional trauma. It's abundantly clear that the vast majority of people who grieve do so without contemplating suicide--and it's equally clear that therapy is one *and only one* path people can take to heal.

Most people grieve by turning to many others besides therapists; they grieve and resolve without therapy, and they do not resort to suicide or suicidal thoughts. If therapy were literally a need, people would have to seek therapy to heal. Yes, therapy can help a lot. But it's far from the only place people can get good help.

And thank God for that. Because what would this world look like if only those wealthy and connected enough to get therapy could find a way to grieve and move on?

Second, I agree that there are individual cases where therapy is a need and not merely a good Tool In Life's Toolbelt. But this was not one of them. Samuel shared the details of his case over many letters. Like most people in grief, he's not suicidal. And he is ready to move on.

More generally, (and thank you for the opportunity to explain how this happens) I answer all letters privately when readers write in. But it's rare for me to get only one letter and then answer without asking a few more questions first. So, the letters as they appear here are usually much shorter than their initial forms, and they're always edited to change the names and some identifying details to protect their author.

That said, there are times I tell people that they have a therapy issue that will likely not be resolved in another way. Earlier this week, someone wrote in who has been suicidal, and I advised therapy in the strongest-possible language. Those responses don't appear at Love Science, but are instead answered privately and only privately.

Third, a core ethic at Love Science is that our Wise Readers possess the ability and integrity to make their own decisions for where and when and even whether to seek help.

I think it's vital to trust those who write to me to decide for themselves whether they want my input--and then, whether it's the right advice for them. Samuel is in the best position to know whom he wants to ask about his grief; he's an adult and can be trusted to know to whom he wants to turn and whether the input speaks to him.

The upshot of all this is: Although I encourage people to make important decisions about life and love based on *all* the good information they can get (not just from Love Science), when someone who is stable and adult comes here for advice, they'll get it.

And PS: Therapy can be great! :)

Cheers,
Duana

[Panda5]

I am glad for this explanation. Thank you for explaining it to me. I did not know there were more letters. I am glad you refer people to therapy if they need it. I am glad Samuel found his healing. I believe you have helped more people besides him. I feel better knowing this fuller report.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Most welcome, Panda--thanks for the opportunity to explain!