WHEN LOVE STINKS: Smell, The Pill, Marriage, and Online Dating
Dear Duana,
I recently got off The Pill, and suddenly cannot tolerate the way my husband smells, although his hygiene is fine and nothing’s changed but my perception of his not-so-pleasing aroma. Is this a real thing with women in general, or am I just weird? And is there a solution—quickly, please?
Vicki
Dear Duana,
I fell in love with someone online, and then when we met in person, he (not his cologne—he) smelled wrong. I felt like I must be crazy, but there was nothing to be done about it. Is there something concrete to the idea of “chemistry”? And how can I avoid getting skunked again?
Jewel
Dear Vicki and Jewel,
Scent is a deal-maker or deal-breaker for many women. So much so, “He just smells wrong” is a common marital therapy complaint from women. So much so, recent science found that smell trumps *all* other senses
And she asked a question that may have crossed your mind: “What is wrong with me?”
As it happens, nothing. In all likelihood, her sense of olfaction was operating exactly as it should—and so is yours. Because when a woman can’t stomach a man’s scent, something may be wrong with *the match*, in the form of too much genetic similarity. The MHC (major histocompatibility complex) gene cluster effects body odor. Not coincidentally, it also creates the best, broadest-spectrum immune system for Junior when Future Mom and Dad bring very *different* MHC’s to the boudoir. And women—but not men—can quite literally smell the right and wrong match for them.
Here’s how it works: Given *nothing* but a set of worn-two-nights T-shirts from male strangers, women rate each shirt for scent sexiness; researchers keep data on the wearers’ and sniffers’ MHC’s. Results? Women find the MHC-similar guys to have a repulsive stench—and the MHC-dissimilar men to have real appeal. So, one woman’s trash bin is another woman’s treasure, just depending on the divergence between his-n-her genes. (Women can also sniff out the best-looking men, and may be able to detect sexual orientation using nothing but their noses. Really.)
It’s easy to see how women would inherit a way to sniff the best path forward for our progeny, passing this ability to our own daughters in the process. Given that we females have so few chances at procreation, and live with the results (aka Kids) for decades, we benefit from being attuned to all markers of our prospective children’s survival. And at least one study suggests that parents with too much MHC commonality may have trouble conceiving, and their kids are likelier to be underweight at birth, fail to thrive, be physically unattractive, and/or have skin problems than kids with Choosy Mothers Who Choose Diversity. (Men, being biologically freer to follow a spread-the-seed creed, can afford to ignore women’s aroma as a guide to compatibility—and usually do.)
Problem: the Internet and The Pill derail this ancient compatibility test—the former by depriving women of essential information during early courtship, the latter by keeping women’s bodies in a state of pseudo-pregnancy where they may be drawn to kinship scents associated with protection—genes like Dear Ol’ Dad’s—that would otherwise turn them off. Indeed, a variation on the smelly-shirt studies finds that women on hormones are attracted to the opposite of what Nature would intend—preferring the scent of men with MHC’s closely *matching* their own.
What to do?
Well, Jewel O’ The Internet, your solution is straightforward: Stay off The Pill and other hormones while you’re courting, and meet prospective partners for a sniff-n-greet as soon as you’ve established an interest. Just lean in, hug, and slowly, sneakily inhale when you first arrive and again as you’re leaving. You might also contemplate using GenePartner.com in conjunction with your current e-dating site, orScientificMatch.com, two sites that strive for partnering based on genetic compatibility in addition to more traditional social and emotional criteria—although even then, you’d still need to conduct your own smell-test upon finding a Person Of Interest.
And Vicki, there’s a solution for you, too, *if* you can get back on The Pill and stay there for…well, maybe forever. It is very likely that returning to use of oral contraception will eradicate the off-putting odor, renewing your interest in your mate.
But be warned: Staying off The Pill permanently and hoping for the best is *not* likely to bring harmony to your olfaction or your lovelife. In fact, your current state of distress may be an affair risk. To wit,one recent study collected MHC’s and other relationship data on 48 long-term couples. Results? As couples’ MHC’s were increasingly alike, the women reported being less attracted to their mate; rejecting his sexual overtures more often; enjoying sex with their man less; fantasizing about other men; and following through on those fantasies with real-life sexual affairs. And whereas most couples share about 20% of their MHC genes in common, among couples sharing half, the affair risk for women was 50%.
Upshot? Jewel, however you meet a man, if you don’t yearn to live with your nose at his neck, better to back off and trust yourself for so doing. And Vicki, if you want this marriage to work, it’s Pill time again, stat.
Because when it comes to love, we girls follow our nose.
Cheers,
Duana
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
Claus Wedekind and others, for ground-breaking work on MHC’s, The Pill, and smelly t-shirts
Christine Garver-Apgar, Steven Gangestad, Randy Thornhill, and others, for their fascinating discoveries about MHC and infidelity
Carole Ober, for work showing how women in “closed communities” still seek out a man with a different MHC, as well as data regarding fertility and disease based on genetic compatibility (various PDF’s at her site)
Christine Garver-Apgar, Steven Gangestad and Randy Thornhill, whose science has shown that women can detect the most symmetrical men by smell alone
Cindy Meston and David Buss, Why Women Have Sex
Jena Pincott, Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes?
Rachel Herz, The Scent of Desire
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Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012, 2010.
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Reader Comments (9)
This is quite interesting how the smell of our partner can turn us off. Been married for a bit more than 16 years now and it started about good 10 years ago that I started to realize that I don't like the smell of my husband. He's ok smelling after he showered but not when we had sex. I got turned off fast. Well, now we are in limbo anyways and I am considering separation and eventually divorce. We are only at the beginning of this beautiful phrase of our live. But besides the smell, there were other issues as well - but I've never thought about the smell maybe might be a part of it. Kind of silly but also funny in a way.
So, so glad to no longer being on hormonal birth control. I love, love, love the way my husband smells. Incidentally, I think all of my children have his scent. Biological coincidence? I don't think so.
Duana - Does this happen in the opposite? Say you meet your partner while off the pill, and then decide to go on it, are there problems with smell in that situation, since you state that women start to seek those that smell more compatible?
It's so fascinating to me that smell can play such an important role!
I was aware that our sense of smell affects our courting process but I wonder to what extent. I for one have a terrible sense of smell. Unless you shove something an inch under my nose I won't be able to distinguish from a plate of old fish, and even then it still has to be fairly strong smelling. At the same time, I have very rarely ever felt attracted to anyone else (admittedly I'm only 21). It's something my brain has been picking at for some time. Does the lack of ability to smell make it harder to pick out a partner? Does it have any correlation to asexuality? Or does it actually have the opposite effect, making it easier because one can't smell the bad scents? Thanks!
Dear Sonja,
I've heard of couples who divorced over the woman's losing all attraction for her husband based on how he smelled to her once she got off the pill...but in your case, it's not clear whether the pill was ever involved. I wonder, do some women somehow ignore the smell mismatch until things go emotionally wrong? Did he smell okay for six years and then...not? I wonder what could change his biochemistry...or yours, or your perception of his. These are all things you and I won't know, but at any rate, I wish you both the best as you consider what to do now.
And Dear Jackie,
How intriguing! I wonder, does Dad pass along his scent? I've never heard anything about it. Interesting.
And Dear Allison,
GREAT question. Some women find difficulty in becoming aroused or orgasmic while on the pill, but does going on the pill turn women off because they find their partner too un-familiar? I don't know. I've only heard from women who were turned off by a man's scent after they got off the pill--not the reverse. And the research I know of doesn't examine the scenario where women choose a mate while off the pill, and then later start taking oral contraceptives.
And Dear Griffin,
Another great question for which I have no certain answer! Even though you're young, it's common for people age 21 to have felt many attractions already. Your experience with attraction definitely counts, but I can't necessarily explain it.
On the one hand, I have personally known women who have lost all scent-sation, and they have chosen and fully committed to mates; but I don't know any research on the topic.
On the other hand, smell plays a strong role in our attraction to...food. With advancing age, olfaction tends to decrease, and so does the ability to enjoy and desire food.
We often say of a lover, "I could eat you up." Does the desire to consume diminish if we can't smell?
There are more questions than answers...
I think I was on the Pill when I met my husband. But getting off of it certainly ramped things up! I just figured babies were meant to smell like their dad (much like newborns often look more like their dad), as a sort of biological imperative to provide and protect their own offspring. My daughter insists that her dad leave behind a worm t-shirt before he embarks on travel away from the family. It just intuitively makes sense to me: don't women end up choosing a mate whose scent is different from their father's and, therefore, the opposite of their own? Would love to know more!
Hmmm. Jackie, has your own daughter entered puberty yet? If not, in theory she'd prefer the scent of her dad, which stands for protection. But once she's biologically a woman, I'd think most girls might still find Dad's smell comforting...but they'd prefer a different scent (denoting a different MHC gene cluster) in guys they date.
No, she has not yet entered puberty. She still thinks we hung the moon. :-). (Correction: *worn* t-shirt)
Ah, Jackie, then we're enjoying that phase at our house, too :).