Secrets & Lies: Can you have an affair and still be a good mate?
Dear Duana,
Can someone be married and be a good partner and have an affair on the side? I am trying to do this and it’s very hard… but when I think about giving up the passion of the affair I feel devastated.
I’m having an affair with a man who already has a girlfriend. They still have sex, and I feel insecure about it. Meanwhile I love my husband and we still have sex occasionally and he’s still into me very much but it’s been MANY years since we married, and I’m less attracted to him. But I love him and we have kids and I MOSTLY don’t want to mess them up. So I’m very careful. And jealous of this other woman. And guilty. And feel my marriage is a bit sad due to my lying.
The trouble is, I love them both. I love the other man, but I don’t want to get divorced for him. My therapist says I shouldn’t reveal the affair to my husband, so I haven’t. But the lie is pretty harsh. And I don’t have the discipline to stop the affair because when I do I feel sad and lonely in a different way. I know I sound like a pig and sometimes I am selfish. I KNOW THIS, but I also make huge sacrifices left and center. Very hard to sort it all out. Thoughts?
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
I’d like to begin with this quote from Dr. Brene’ Brown, researcher on Wholehearted living and loving, and author of The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
“I don’t know if you can love someone and betray them or be cruel to them, but I do know that when you betray someone or behave in an unkind way toward them, you are not practicing love. And for me, I don’t just want someone who says they love me; I want someone who practices that love for me every day.”
To answer your first question regarding whether you can be a good marriage partner and have an affair: In my opinion as a married person, no. Because the affair interferes with two top priorities in loving: intimacy and loyalty.
I want someone who is truly intimate with me, which means someone who reveals all aspects of himself without fearing loss of his identity—which means not hiding anything significant. Like an affair. And I also want someone who is truly and solely devoted to me, which means not sharing his sexuality with anyone else.
I couldn’t stay with someone who couldn’t give me these things, no matter how wonderful he was otherwise. For me, fidelity and intimacy are non-negotiable parts of marriage.
And around the world, infidelity is one of the top two reasons spouses abandon their partners (the other is childlessness). Most people most of the time value loyalty; it’s one of the top four things people look for in a mate globally.
But my opinion does not matter. The rest of the world’s opinion does not matter. Your husband’s is the *only* opinion that matters, because you are his marriage partner!
If he would be okay with you having an affair and keeping secrets, then you’re a good marriage partner for him. If he wouldn’t be, then you’re falling short. I think you know him and know his take on this. That’s part of why you feel so torn now: You already know his truth.
But it’s hard to make a decision. You’re in a tough spot. You love your husband. You love the other guy. You are tired of the guilt and lying. But you don’t think you can do either of the things that will free you from the guilt/lying: either stopping the affair, or telling your husband about it.
I do have thoughts on this. First, as you know from experience, it is possible to love two people at once. It’s just not possible for most of us to live in any sort of peaceful, happy headspace while doing it. You’re not in an open marriage; so you’re not living the truth of your agreement. And that’s hurting you.
If you told your husband about it, it would need to be as a first step to ending either the affair or your marriage. In fact, therapist and affair researcher Dr. Shirley Glass
So if you’re not ready to make a firm choice, there is no point in revealing the affair; it would be cruel to force your husband to live with facts that hurt him for no purpose than to unburden yourself of guilt. It would increase the instability and pain in your, his, and your kids’ lives. I agree with your therapist; for now, don’t tell him.
Second, I don’t buy it for one hot minute that you are literally unable to stop the affair, nor that you lack the self-discipline. I don’t believe “I can’t” from anyone. You’re an adult. You can, if you decide to.
That’s not the same thing as it being an easy thing to do. But it is an entirely possible thing to do.
Lots and lots of people—especially women—have affairs when they get lonely. Which sounds like it might be an issue for you. And lots and lots of people have affairs that they end, and then instead of continuing to feel horribly lonely, they fix their marriages and find a deep intimacy that was often lacking before the affair.
Finding intimacy with your own husband is a legitimate alternative to finding it elsewhere, right? It’s not easy, but it can be done. If you decide to recover from the affair and work on rebuilding intimacy with your spouse, I recommend Glass’ book
Upshot? Given that you’re not telling your mate, and you’re pretty sure you don’t want to leave him for the other guy, you’re left with at least two main options:
—continuing as-is; or
—giving up the other guy and restoring intimacy in your marriage.
Both of these are very tough on you, as well as on others.
Ultimately, that is the point: No matter what you do—including staying the present course and being with both men—, it’s going to be wrenching. You are in the hardest place of all right now.
And no matter what choice you make, once you make it, it will be easier than where you are right now.
So here’s what I recommend.
First, stop berating yourself or calling yourself names. Shame keeps people stuck.
Guilt is helpful; feeling bad about what you are doing can motivate you to make another, better choice. But feeling that *you* are bad or there is something inherently wrong with you? Will keep you in one very upsetting mindset, unable to make a choice.
Second, lean into the pain. Live in the headspace of each option for a while. Let yourself feel what it’s like to keep up the current double-life; and let yourself imagine in detail what it feels like to end the affair and work on your marriage, choosing your mate fully. In this way, figure out your deepest want.
Consider others, especially the interests of your kids and the daily realities that would result from any one choice, as you imagine this. Children are permanently affected by their parents’ affairs and/or divorce, even in adulthood, so consideration of them is vital since they are important to you. And your importance to them? Well, you are priceless.
Finally, set a deadline to act accordingly. People find it very stressful and even depressing to be incongruent—to live one way and believe another. I think that is a huge source of your stress right now. You aren’t living what you believe in and truly want.
Make your beliefs and your reality line up.
It will be hard. But you will be happier. Life in the middle is hell. I wish you clarity, and strength to follow through once you’ve got it.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you or someone you love need more information on affair recovery? Duana’s written many articles about affairs and affair recovery, and you can read some of them here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/affair-recovery
The author wishes to thank Dr. Shirley Glass and Dr. Brene’ Brown for their research and ideas that helped in the writing of this article. Links to their work are in the post.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2014.
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (10)
Duana, you are amazingly gifted at having compassion for people whom others would judge very harshly (including me). I don't have that gift...maybe you could give me lessons? Hahaha
I feel for this man who has no clue that his marriage is a joke.
"And no matter what choice you make, once you make it, it will be easier than where you are right now."
Duana,you are spot on here! As hard as it probably is to believe when you're in the thick of it, the above is absolutely true! When you are a person for whom infidelity feels like a betrayal, not just of your spouse, but also of the other partner, and of yourself, you are never, EVER at peace in your own, "headspace." Or in your heart. Finding the courage to really examine your desires, and the realities of your options is key. At some point, you have to make a choice, because you'll never be happy until you do.
I wonder if the husband isn't having an affair as well. I know what it's like to be with the same person for years and wake up one day to realize that...well...she's just not into it. The rejections are so continuous that you just don't even feel like asking any longer. While everything else is hunky-dory, lack of intimacy is devastating, but it's may not be worth it to cut your whole life in half because your partner doesn't put out more than once every month or two, and that's what it amounts to, when you look at leaving them for someone else.
In that kind of marriage, is someone who cheats really doing something wrong? If years of telling someone that you're lonely and being rejected isn't enough of a warning, perhaps it would be prudent to issue an ultimatum. "I'm lonely. Unless you're willing to make some serious changes with me, I am going to actively seek out a relationship on the side."
But even then, one risks carving one's entire life up over lack of attention. And like Carelle pointed out, society will judge anyone saying or doing that very harshly.
Awesome response Duana. I do think keeping her secret is unhealthy as stress and guilt mixed with jealousy can be a recipe for disaster. .Affairs are often a quick fix solution for boredom and a release for an adrenalin junky. I suggest she work on steps to end the affair ( only because she is not happy sharing ) and work on finding new things to do. Then if she decided to end the marriage its on her terms as well. It does not make sense to be in two relationships which neither is fulfilling.I would love to see this gal work on her communication skills. If you are not getting what you need at home tell your partner and allow him to be part of the solution. I will admit that I am speaking from personal experience. Ending an affair on your own terms is best in my book.
Carelle, Leslie, Dan, and Cynthia~ Thank you for your honesty and comments. Affairs and fidelity are hot topics even for the uninvolved. I know at least one Wise Reader has taken me to task for not answering the root question of whether it is possible to have an affair and be a good mate. I think the answer to that question is: It depends. Some people do have open marriages, and for some of them, that is what works.
Speaking of work, I used to work with Dr. Bill Marelich, who had studied jealousy and swinging. He told me that per his and others' studies, open marriages usually resolve themselves in one of two ways: either the couple divorces, or they return to monogamy with one another. Very few, he maintained, kept their marriage open for as many as five years.
LoveScience is about what science shows works for most of the people, most of the time. For most, it is keeping their values and their behavior aligned, and having agreement with their partner about what their relationship involves--and whether it involves other people. There are definitely exceptions where an open marriage happens, and works.
But this particular woman did not seem to be asking about such a situation. She's in pain. I hope I have accurately and adequately addressed her and her needs.
Cheers,
Duana
I loved this "I don’t buy it for one hot minute that you are literally unable to stop the affair, nor that you lack the self-discipline. I don’t believe “I can’t” from anyone. You’re an adult. You can, if you decide to."
I get that people get lonely after years of marriage and the same routine. Can't they find happiness, peace and companionship by engaging in healthy communication with the person they vowed to love and honor? Better yet, why don't they indulge in parenthood so much so that they'd never do anything to make their children cry or feel any type of instability? I believe that it boils down to being selfish... yes, that's my opinion.
My parents got divorced when I was a young child due to infidelity. The infidelity and subsequent divorce effected me all of my life and it will continue to. It sculpted my relationship with my parents and older siblings who were able to grow up with both parents in the home. I could write a book about my childhood, but to save time ;-) I'll say this: AS PARENTS, WE CANNOT MAKE DECISIONS SOLELY ON OURSELVES. WE MUST MAKE EVERY DECISION WITH OUR CHILD(REN) IN MIND.
I think there's an important distinction between an affair, which by definition leaves at least one partner in the dark about what's happening in the relationship and an open relationship where all parties have chosen the arrangement.
Erica, I'm so sorry that happened to you. As you know from the article, the research (from Judith Wallerstein, Shirley Glass, and others) backs you up. What parents decide has repercussions for many years of their kids' lives, even when those children are grown. Thank you for the reminder to consider the kids when couples have children.
Leslie, well-said. Secrecy and lying are part of affairs. An objective of open marriage is to live honestly while including more than one sexual partner.
It's not a very nice thing to do to someone you claim to love, who loves you. Is love just the thrill of another sexual partner? Is love just about not feeling lonely? Would you want your children to learn of your betrayal? How would it make them feel about the way you love them? It seems to come easily to this woman to speak of feelings of love. Is love just a feeling? Or is it about keeping a promise to someone you love, even when things are rough? It's easy to cut and run when things are not wonderful - it takes commitment to stick around and fix things. There are some relationships which are better severed than saved, but we only know one side of this story. As long as the distraction remains, she may never know either.