I Married A Man
Wise Readers,
Your regularly-scheduled, science-based articles will return next week. In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind that I took the time to thank someone who followed all the research without even knowing it~and a person without whom LoveScience would not exist.
Cheers,
Duana
I married a manly man. A guy with a rough face and gentle, huge hands. A guy with a pinkie larger than my thumb. With a broad, deep chest and strong arms. And—kids, stop reading here—a hot ass.
A man who didn’t laugh when I said I needed to smell him before I would know if he was for me. He just leaned in and let me have a sniff. And seemed relieved when I said he’d do.
A man who holds hands and gives backrubs that are ends unto themselves. Who gets it that all you really need to be great in bed is willingness, the desire to bring your beloved joy. That the two things you need everywhere are kindness and respect.
A man who has all that.
I married a creative man, a hard-working man who builds things…things with his mind, things with his hands. A man who grows a garden and tends the yard and pays the bills. A man who goes each day to a job he does not love, because he does love us.
I married a man who makes his own doctor appointments. And keeps them.
I married a courageous man. That which fails to kill us often makes us bitter, not better; the scars accumulate and our openness to life dissipates. But I married a man who had been through terrible heartbreak, yet had the courage to throw himself back into love. To say: I’m not going to let the past stop me from pursuing what I want with my whole heart.
A man who saw my own brokenness and scars. And kissed them. And wanted me anyway.
I married a man who met me with my half-pint daughter and saw possibilities instead of problems. Who said: I always wanted to raise a little girl, too. A man who had adopted a boy from Russia—a child who made me a mother again.
A man who protects us in every way he can. Who watched over our daughter when she was hospitalized just weeks after our wedding. And who watched over me after my open-heart surgery; who cried when the surgeon said I was healed. Who drove gently over rough spots in the road to save me any pain as I recovered. Who wouldn’t let me touch laundry for a long time after that, in case it was too heavy.
A generous man. A man who surprises me with chocolates and always asks if I’ve lost weight.
I married a gentle man, a man who cries at movies. Who is not afraid to be moved, and who finds many things moving. A man who shares my ethic for compassion and care in and for the world, and who wants more than anything to embody that ethic and set a good example.
I married a man who appreciates and loves me as a woman. A man who tells me every day with his eyes and his hands that he thinks I’m the hottest thing on feet. A man who accepts and even enjoys my cooking. Who praises my housekeeping. A man who thinks I’m a great mother—and who values that because—and this is important—he can put children’s needs ahead of his own.
I married a man who understands that children need all their parents. A man who welcomes my ex into our home twice a week, and who does so graciously. A man who has said of my ex: He’s family, of course he’s coming for the holidays.
I married a man with passion and purpose. A man who has volunteered an entire day in each week for over a decade at a zoo. A man beloved by animals others fear—and the only man beloved by the lion, who rolls over on his back when he sees my husband approach. A man who raises bears and leopards in his spare time and still plays with our housecat, too, because he gets it that pussies are wonderful whatever their size and that real men love cats. And dogs. And critters.
A man who has been known to bring a hedgehog home because he thought I would enjoy that.
A man who can be there in the pain of an animal’s death, to give comfort. Who says, The end of life is hard. And stays for hours and hours to make sure that hard ending is at least not endured alone. Who was there when my beloved greyhound had to be put down; who held, yes, even a pet rat as it suffered its last at the end of a long life.
I married a human coatimundi—a raccoon that takes immense pleasure from jokes and tricks. A man who brings fun to life. Who won’t let you finish your sentence if there is some way to turn it into a laughing matter. And there are more laughing matters than I could have guessed at.
I married a man who knows the value of those two little words: Yes Dear. Who morphs my own flaws into endearing qualities. Who searches around for his stuff, which I have invariably moved someplace yet again, and shrugs it off. Who loves me as-is, and tells me I’m hot even if I’ve worn the same jeans two days running. Who listens to my many opinions and lets me prattle on about research even if that’s not his thing.
I did not marry a reader. But I did marry a man who appreciates my mind and my passion for books and knowledge and learning. Who lovingly calls me his little nerd. And—surprise!—a man who started reading on his own, too.
I married a confident man. A man who supports my passions and prods me to pursue my dreams. Who encouraged me to leave a lucrative job to return to the relative poverty of my purpose: to teach in writing and in the classroom. Who says, Look at all the lives you’re changing, I’m so proud of you. A man who urged me to start LoveScience when I didn’t believe with certainty that I had anything to say, or any way to say it, or that anyone would read it if I did. Who is now encouraging me to write a book. A man who would rather I made a big difference than a huge paycheck, come down to it.
He’d rather I was who I am.
I am grateful for who he is, and who he helps us all to be.
Thank you, Vic Hariton, for asking me to be your bride. For marrying me. For being a good man. For being heroic. For being mine.
Happy 4th anniversary.
Love,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.
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Reader Comments (30)
Vic and Duana sittin in a tree K-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then come a hedgehog in a baby carriage.
Vic ... Thanks for what you do and taking care of a good friend. Both of you guys are great people.
WOW!
Duana, I think we will forever argue as to who is the more fortunate one. For me, I have been. I fell in love with you on the first phone call after meeting on Eharmony. I continued to fall more in love with you each day, and still more each day that comes.
You have mended my broken heart with a warm shroud, and you remend the wounds from my past as often as they reappear.
You love me and my child.
You make love to me which would make the world envious
You bring such knowledge and joy to your students and the world. Gandhi would be proud!!!
You are never afraid to do what is right in the world and to tirelessly work to correct wrongs that you see.
You gave me a beautiful daughter (in your image in intelligence as well as beauty) to raise with my son.
You are supportive of my passions, although a life insurance policy was required for one of them ;)
And you actually like my humor ;)
Happy Anniversary My Love!!! (The word "love" is just not strong enough for how I feel)
Now to dry my eyes,
Vic
Congratulations on your 4th anniversary! It seems so little time ago you were newly married. Tempus totally fugit.
Thank you, Rob and MM. Vic~ this was just a test to see if you read LoveScience ;).
Phew,
I guessed right this time ;)
I <3 u
All I can say is, you're both my heroes! Congratulations on your 4th Anniversary! If it's this good right now, I can hardly wait until your 20th.
Happy Belated Anniversary Vic and Duana
Wow, I couldn't even finish reading this without feeling ill.
I came to this website after reading Duana's review of "If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single?" on Amazon.com from back in 1999. Duana tries to make the case that her advice, based on scientific research, is better because of her personal success in her own relationship.
What personal success is that? Well, she said she found "the love of my life." That's the one and only supporting point that is made for why her advice is better.
Hmmm, now we see that she is celebrating her 4th anniversary in 2012. Apparently she did *not* find the love of her life after all. But who hasn't been in a relationship that didn't turn out? I would say everyone. Now, how many of those people went into excruciating detail about how wonderful their current relationship was in an obvious attempt at marketing their advice on all matters of the heart? Duana, that's exactly what you are doing in this post, "I married a man."
Instead of trying to portray your personal success in relationships as the reason everyone should listen to you, and making this reader physically ill in the process, why not back up your advice with testimony from your followers. You might also want to try focusing on just one aspect that is successful in your relationship at a time. The intimate details and shear number of points you make trying to prove that your husband loves you, only makes me more skeptical of your motives.
Dear Irony, thank you for your note. I have certainly made relationship mistakes in my own life, which is why I began delving into relationship research to begin with. That said, I'd have to quote Margaret Mead, who although married repeatedly said none of her unions had been a failure. There is value often even in those relationships that have ended or changed.
"If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single" remains, in my opinion, the best of the available relationship advice books for dating. I referred someone to it just yesterday, but here's a link for anyone else who might want to date more successfully: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609809091?ie=UTF8&tag=lovesciencres-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0609809091. Thank you for the opportunity to bring it to others' attention again.
Thank you, Candi and Ade, for the congratulations!
Cheers,
Duana
Dear Irony,
Duana is not writing an ARTICLE...her words were in place of her regular research based advice article. You say you're skeptical of her motives? How about reading the first line of what is written...the motive is to "thank someone....", her husband, on their anniversary!
Duana is demonstrating, by example, what her research has proven...that focusing on the positive attributes of one's mate makes the fondness grow deeper and stay longer. She is celebrating her anniversary and honoring her husband in a wonderful way. I don't see that she's doing it to market anything at all. And if she is....she's doing a pretty damn good job of it, just by saying what she thinks of her husband. If that's marketing, then everyone should become salespeople!!! I sure think the world would be a better place, and full of happier marriages if everyone bragged about their spouse like she's bragging about her husband.
Based on your very negative and sarcastic attack on her, I bet you're not familiar with that kind of behavior in a relationship, though, or the benefits that behavior provides. I'm just guessing, but I bet you're single, right?
Moreover...you sound very bitter and jealous. Physically ill? Because someone is praising their spouse and telling the world about it? Get over it!
You want readers testimony...Here's my testimony. I've read everything Duana's ever written. I've been an avid reader from the start of Love Science and even before. I've read most of the books she's recommended. I've been married for 20yrs to the same man, not without making mistakes, mind you, but still married. What she says is definitely on the money. It has helped me in my marriage tremendously.
And you know what else? I'm not afraid to use my full name instead of an pseudonym to hide behind. And Duana doesn't use one, either. What's your excuse?
In a Ying-Yang world, if Irony is the Ying, I am definitely the Yang. ;)
As physically ill as Irony may have felt, that is as well as I felt reading this, physically, spiritually, mentally. Reading this fills me with joy, deeply. To know that such love and harmony exists between two people is to experience the essence of what human love should be like... It is great to know such compatibility is real, alive, and growing! ;)
Thank you for opening yourself up to everyone and anyone, both you and Vic. Vic is a great man, it appears, who is deserving of a great woman. What a blessing!! ;)
A belated congrats to Duana & Vic (the Lion Tamer). I know that my life has been enriched since meeting the two of you. Blessings.
Irony you are way outta line! If you are going to make a claim that "Duana tries to make the case that her advice, based on scientific research, is better because of her personal success in her own relationship." then you better back it up. Nowhere in her post is there any such claim! In fact she makes a statement at the beginning that this is a special post of thanks. Your comments seem petty and rude. Duana responded with dignity and grace.
PS- And I met Vic long before I "met" Duana. And to hear him talk about his wife, you would have thought she had wings, a halo, AND walked on water. If only more people thought this way of their mates, the world would be a fantastic place to live and raise children!!
Candi, thanks, both for your time in writing this and for reading All Of It, right from the start. I printed the entire site out yesterday~took 2 reams of paper. You're truly persistent and I very much appreciate you and your having said aloud what LoveScience has meant to you.
Norma~How touching. Thank you. Yes, he's a great man. I thought it might make him feel more loved than ever to see this on-site...it did ;).
Cheers,
Duana
Greg, Anna, thank you! Very much. The whole goal is to learn more about creating more love in the world through love between two people.
I could not make it to the second paragraph without the tears flowing. As I am reading the article, I could not stop thinking how every girl dreams to have all of this. The tears were also happy tears. Being a student of just five months, I know that you are a well deserving recipient. If you changed my life in a measly five months, who could ever know how many you have changed over your many years.
With that said, my tears dried up immediately. Lets talk about making ones stomach ill, the response I soon read could make anyone disgusted. So sad. Mrs. Welch ended the first day of class informing us that she is a hardass, and to never forget. What I gained from that over the five months of her class is that she is honest. Socially, personally, and morally honest.
The last person she will be dishonest with is, herself.
People will throw rocks at things that shine.
I second Mandi W's message.
I am a big fan of Dr. Welch and was also a student of hers. She is one of very few professors from my college years whose lectures provoked deep thought, peaked my interests, and eventually changed the direction of my life. Dr. Welch was fascinating, fun, and most importantly -- challenging. In my experience, her "advice" and recommendations were spot-on. Nearly a decade later, I still remember looking forward to each and every one of her classes. She has made a lasting impression on me after all this time, and I have no doubt that I'm just one of countless former students who feel this way.
I was delighted when I discovered LoveScience because it's like having classes with her again - reading each article is truly a treat for me :)
To Irony: Here's the testimony you were looking for.
Congratulations Dr. Welch On your anniversary!!! As for irony... I'm sorry that you're so ill... Here's a little advice. Take one to two Tylenol and Take one of her courses!!! As a former student of Dr. welch, I have to say that she has made such a huge impact in my personal relationship by helping me open my mind and spirit with myself as well as with my family, friends, and even strangers (like you). As for the motive....this website is FREE!!! to any and everyone!!! Peace be with you.
Congrats on the anniversary. Enjoyed the article.
Shalom
Irony....
To make such a claim about Dr. Welch proves that you do not consistently read the blog. Dr. Welches advise comes from her life experiences....some good, some....not so good. These experiences has helped mold her into the superb teacher, mother, wife, daughter, and friend that she has become. To say that she believes that her successful relationship is the basis for her wisdom is not only false but severely ignorant. I ask you irony, do you base your opinions on one mere event in your life or are you a collection of every moment that has passed? I believe, to Duana, that Vic represents unconditional love. A love that most of us do not find because we fail to be honest with ourselves. Duana, after tradgedy and success was able to be truly honest with herself and faced the world with courage, strength, and determinations, qualities she works everyday to instill in others. Personally, Duana has been one of the most important people in my life. Not because we are best friends; she is not my relative nor do I even see her on a regular basis. She is important to me because of her sincerity and commitment to herself and others. I know that if I can become even half the person she is, I will have done something right. At 32 years of age, my life has just begun and I am looking forward to many lifetimes on this earth, just as I am sure Duana is. Irony, I hope that within your lifetime you find unconditional love; it seems that that is something you are lacking.
Wow, Irony, how rude. Duana, thank you for all of your columns- I base a lot of my relationship decisions on your advice, and I think the world of you. It's clear that you want people to be happy, and we love you for it.
Irony,
Hurting people hurt people. .(try to anyway). I am a former student of hers, Spring of 2009. Almost three years later and I am lucky to still have her in my life. She didn't have to give me advice outside of class. She didn't have to reply to every email when my world was falling apart and I was hurting, just like you are. I was cheated on, lied to by my ex husband when I met Dr. Welch. The advice she gave me: forgive my ex. I wasn't doing it only for him, but for me. And to be civil with my ex for our daughters well being. To put our anger aside and focus on our daughter, not on ourselves. To trust again and not rush into any relationships until I had fully healed. I have healed, I trust again, I am friends with my ex, my daughter gets to have her daddy in her life, and I am happier than ever. No longer a door mat because Dr. Welch taught me that I deserve to be happy and am worthy. Her words and encouragement will forever be branded in my mind. I love her for that. For her time, that never cost me a thing. I am now dating a wonderful man who treasures me and my daughter. And I owe it all to Dr. Welch for giving me advice on how to do things the right way.
Its never too late for you, Irony..take one of her classes, take a chance and forgive those who wronged/hurt you. She will change you for the better.
CONGRATS Dr. Welch on your anniversary! I look forward to having you and Vic at my wedding this year!
Sincerely,
Patti White
To the Love Science friends, I am so deeply touched. My heart is warmed and ready to burst from the beautiful comments/experiences with Duana you have been sharing.
Duana, I think I am winning the argument that I am the more fortunate ;) I read these posts and look at you and my life with you and know how perfect you are! Anna, she does have wings! Patti, we would be honored to attend your wedding, congratulations!
To all of Duana’s friends, thank you. I love you all,
Vic
Dear Mandi, Christine, Asia, Mike, Charlotte, Carelle, Patti, and Vic~
You re-taught me something vital today: Never trade happiness for money if you can afford it. Writing this column, teaching at colleges, makes me so happy even if the financial compensation is low; hearing from you and being honored by the invitation to participate in your lives is priceless. Having former students who want me around months, years and even decades later? There's no possible way to put a value on that. You are invaluable to me.
There are days when I am discouraged and wonder how much difference the teaching and writing make. I feel like a billionaire today, all because of you. Thank you.
Cheers,
Duana