I Married A Man
Wise Readers,
Your regularly-scheduled, science-based articles will return next week. In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind that I took the time to thank someone who followed all the research without even knowing it~and a person without whom LoveScience would not exist.
Cheers,
Duana
I married a manly man. A guy with a rough face and gentle, huge hands. A guy with a pinkie larger than my thumb. With a broad, deep chest and strong arms. And—kids, stop reading here—a hot ass.
A man who didn’t laugh when I said I needed to smell him before I would know if he was for me. He just leaned in and let me have a sniff. And seemed relieved when I said he’d do.
A man who holds hands and gives backrubs that are ends unto themselves. Who gets it that all you really need to be great in bed is willingness, the desire to bring your beloved joy. That the two things you need everywhere are kindness and respect.
A man who has all that.
I married a creative man, a hard-working man who builds things…things with his mind, things with his hands. A man who grows a garden and tends the yard and pays the bills. A man who goes each day to a job he does not love, because he does love us.
I married a man who makes his own doctor appointments. And keeps them.
I married a courageous man. That which fails to kill us often makes us bitter, not better; the scars accumulate and our openness to life dissipates. But I married a man who had been through terrible heartbreak, yet had the courage to throw himself back into love. To say: I’m not going to let the past stop me from pursuing what I want with my whole heart.
A man who saw my own brokenness and scars. And kissed them. And wanted me anyway.
I married a man who met me with my half-pint daughter and saw possibilities instead of problems. Who said: I always wanted to raise a little girl, too. A man who had adopted a boy from Russia—a child who made me a mother again.
A man who protects us in every way he can. Who watched over our daughter when she was hospitalized just weeks after our wedding. And who watched over me after my open-heart surgery; who cried when the surgeon said I was healed. Who drove gently over rough spots in the road to save me any pain as I recovered. Who wouldn’t let me touch laundry for a long time after that, in case it was too heavy.
A generous man. A man who surprises me with chocolates and always asks if I’ve lost weight.
I married a gentle man, a man who cries at movies. Who is not afraid to be moved, and who finds many things moving. A man who shares my ethic for compassion and care in and for the world, and who wants more than anything to embody that ethic and set a good example.
I married a man who appreciates and loves me as a woman. A man who tells me every day with his eyes and his hands that he thinks I’m the hottest thing on feet. A man who accepts and even enjoys my cooking. Who praises my housekeeping. A man who thinks I’m a great mother—and who values that because—and this is important—he can put children’s needs ahead of his own.
I married a man who understands that children need all their parents. A man who welcomes my ex into our home twice a week, and who does so graciously. A man who has said of my ex: He’s family, of course he’s coming for the holidays.
I married a man with passion and purpose. A man who has volunteered an entire day in each week for over a decade at a zoo. A man beloved by animals others fear—and the only man beloved by the lion, who rolls over on his back when he sees my husband approach. A man who raises bears and leopards in his spare time and still plays with our housecat, too, because he gets it that pussies are wonderful whatever their size and that real men love cats. And dogs. And critters.
A man who has been known to bring a hedgehog home because he thought I would enjoy that.
A man who can be there in the pain of an animal’s death, to give comfort. Who says, The end of life is hard. And stays for hours and hours to make sure that hard ending is at least not endured alone. Who was there when my beloved greyhound had to be put down; who held, yes, even a pet rat as it suffered its last at the end of a long life.
I married a human coatimundi—a raccoon that takes immense pleasure from jokes and tricks. A man who brings fun to life. Who won’t let you finish your sentence if there is some way to turn it into a laughing matter. And there are more laughing matters than I could have guessed at.
I married a man who knows the value of those two little words: Yes Dear. Who morphs my own flaws into endearing qualities. Who searches around for his stuff, which I have invariably moved someplace yet again, and shrugs it off. Who loves me as-is, and tells me I’m hot even if I’ve worn the same jeans two days running. Who listens to my many opinions and lets me prattle on about research even if that’s not his thing.
I did not marry a reader. But I did marry a man who appreciates my mind and my passion for books and knowledge and learning. Who lovingly calls me his little nerd. And—surprise!—a man who started reading on his own, too.
I married a confident man. A man who supports my passions and prods me to pursue my dreams. Who encouraged me to leave a lucrative job to return to the relative poverty of my purpose: to teach in writing and in the classroom. Who says, Look at all the lives you’re changing, I’m so proud of you. A man who urged me to start LoveScience when I didn’t believe with certainty that I had anything to say, or any way to say it, or that anyone would read it if I did. Who is now encouraging me to write a book. A man who would rather I made a big difference than a huge paycheck, come down to it.
He’d rather I was who I am.
I am grateful for who he is, and who he helps us all to be.
Thank you, Vic Hariton, for asking me to be your bride. For marrying me. For being a good man. For being heroic. For being mine.
Happy 4th anniversary.
Love,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.
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Reader Comments (30)
To Irony,
I realize that very few people who read Love Science actually know Duana and/or her husband. I do know Duana, and her husband and her kids, and I knew Duana before she met Vic, and I know how much effort (and love) she put into finding the right man to be the right match for her and her daughter. And it's been so wonderful to see how they have woven their family together so successfully, facing life's challenges that we all face...and some quite a bit more difficult than some of us have had to deal with. If you had the pleasure of knowing their family, you would see a loving, caring family that works as a unit in a rather remarkable way. When I say that, I'm not putting their family on a pedestal...they, like all families, have their issues, but the wow factor is in their handling of those issues. They do it better than most. So yes, they've "just" celebrated 4 years of marriage; but Irony, you don't know the back story, you haven't seen this family in real life...so don't be so quick to judge.
Duana is not a sugar-coater. She won't bat an eye when she faces her own relationship lessons and mistakes. That she puts herself out there, with her own experience, adds realism to the science. When I read these columns, they aren't just scientific facts and statistics regurgitated; Duana's voice and experience are part of the special sauce in her columns. Quite frankly, I'd rather get advice from an "expert" who has her own testimony than someone who claims to be an expert and has never actually lived it. As for wanting testimonies from readers...well as a reader and her friend, she's given me great advice on a number of occasions. I have the added bonus of being able to call her if I'm in a tough spot, but I can tell you that the advice she has given me has been sound and very helpful and coming from a place of "been there, done that...and I also have the science to prove it."
Duana, I hope the "love mail" you've received in response to Irony more than makes up for it! :)
I enjoy your articles. It was nice to read how you felt and good to see Vic's response. It made me feel like I'm falling short with the love of my life, Lisa. I didn't like that but it does make me want to try harder and that's a good thing. So Duana, I don't know if part of your intent was to be inspirational, but you were and I thank you for that. Keep up the good work and this former school mate is very happy for you!
Tracey, thank you. Just...thank you.
I almost didn't post this because I usually refrain from putting a lot of personal details into the site. LoveScience is usually about others' questions and experiences, and my nerdy take on the science that can answer those questions. But yes, these responses have definitely made me glad I put in the personal this time.
And Dennis, although my main intent was to surprise my sweetheart and show him what a wonderful husband he is, it's so kind of you to tell me this inspired you! I know Lisa has a great husband in you and she treasures you immensely.
Cheers,
Duana
Wow. Just wow. I'm sure there are normal times of perplexing thoughts between two love birds as these, but cheers to public praising by two people very much in love. I've found that not enough praising happens these days. Don't you think we'd all get along much better if we did? I was quite thrilled to read Duana's post about her husband- even Vics reply to Duana. And I don't even know these people except that Duana led an effort to help my friend Kelly after the Bastrop fire destroyed her home. I kept thinking- Man, I sure hope someone feels that way about me one day. ha ha. Psst... I'm very hopeful. I'm thankful Duana responded to the critical post earlier with a link to her book "If I'm so wonderful Why am I still single." Sounds like just what I need about now.
Happy Anniversary to Duana and Vic.
Thank you so much, Randall. How kind.
The "Single" book was written by Susan Page; I've used it to find great love in my own life, as have many of my clients, and I hope it plus LoveScience prove helpful to you, too. With your open, hopeful attitude and focus on the positive, you've already got a great start!
Cheers,
Duana