Dealing With Your Difficult Woman

Dear Duana,

Women are ALWAYS right. Just ask one. That’s what I’d like to read about. I will admit that they are usually right, but how do you tactfully approach them when they are wrong? I think I’ve learned to do it but I’d like to read about it anyway.

Ross

I agree with Ross . Women are ALWAYS right. And, when you are able to convince them that they are wrong … you then have to deal with a bitter woman for days! I’ve always had a very difficult time communicating with women in difficult situations. “Can’t live with them , can’t live without them”. Go figure!! What to do?

Mark

Dear Ross and Mark,

You had me at “always”. Seriously, though, it’s not about convincing your Difficult Woman that she’s wrong, nor conceding your point every time. Instead, it’s about three easy steps so your sex life, happiness, wallet, sex life, health, and sex life all win big.

Now that I’ve got your attention…

Step 1: Recognize and respect your Relationship Mechanic’s work.

Most men gallantly discharge tasks including lawn work, car care, and open-flame cooking. Some—God love them—scrub toilets.Meanwhile, women maintain relationships. But whereas men’s chivalry is appropriately acknowledged as important work, women’s efforts are frequently called by another name: Nagging.

Although this can be painful to the more Silent Sex, fully 80% of difficult issues are brought up by the wife in heterosexual couples, according to 35-plus years of research by marital happiness guru Dr. John Gottman. And neither cars nor relationships run well without maintenance. In the happiest couples, the wife does *not* accept a lackluster marriage as the norm, nor does she ignore problems as her anger builds. Instead, she does the vital job of complaining, insisting on protecting and enhancing the marriage.

So make a mental shift to honor your Relationship Mechanic’s work. It’s the couples who are disengaged –living separate, lonely lives under the same roof, often without bothering to fight anymore— who are at the greatest risk of misery, adultery, and divorce.

Step 2: Prevent harsh startup by including her input.

Some women are better Mechanics than others, though. Difficult Women criticize instead of gently voicing a mere complaint about the specific behavior at hand (Just because research shows criticism never helps a relationship doesn’t mean women have gotten The Memo). If “Remember how we used to cuddle? Let’s do it tonight,” has routinely become “You selfish jerk! You never consider my needs,” it’s a statistical guarantee that you’re headed towards the For Worse part of the marriage contract.

Fortunately, you can reverse the Difficult Woman metamorphosis, especially if you still admire and like your wife. Most women only turn Difficult after months or years of feeling disrespected when their input is ignored. So the solution is straightforward: Include her input.

Does this mean saying “Yes, Dear”? No; constant agreement is impossible. In fact, 69% of problems are unsolvable in all marriages, including the happy ones. Instead, convey respect by considering your wife’s perspective in life’s decisions and discussions, big and small—whether or not you ultimately do it her way. Concretely, this means calling her before you agree to a night out with the guys; asking her opinion on what TV to buy; listening if she has ideas about skim vs. 2%; and doing the difficult discussions instead of tuning her out. Some call these men whipped.Researchers use a different term: Happy.

Step 3: Recognize a flooded engine, and know what to do about it.

It’s happening again: Your wife has broached a sore subject, and she’s done it harshly. Take your pulse—really. If it’s over 100 beats per minute, Gottman’s science says you’re “flooded” and won’t process another thing right now.

What most men do at this point is called “stonewalling”—watching their mate’s mouth move while failing to respond in any way, and hoping it will eventually be over. Although research shows that men stonewall to avoid escalating a fight, it usually has the opposite effect. And of the four destructive disagreement techniques (in order: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling)—habitual stonewalling is the deadliest for a marriage’s longevity, heralding an end that is near indeed.

So don’t stonewall. Instead, take a break. You’ll require 20- to 30 minutes of TV or some other non-alcoholic distraction—after which it’s vital for you to return to the discussion. Imagine your Difficult Woman’s shock when she assassinates your character, only to find that your response is to calmly stop her, tell her you want to continue the talk after you’ve had a half-hour break—after which you actually return to consider her opinion. The goodwill you’ll buy will prove priceless. And over time, you’ll win. Not the battle—not the war—the peace.

Extra Credit: Give your Relationship Mechanic the manual.

You’ve probably discerned that Gottman is a research demigod—and you’re right. His “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert” is the only relationship book continually kept on my nightstand, and it’s a well-worn copy for good reason. By scientifically documenting the things happy couples do well and teaching the rest of us how, he’s turned many seemingly hopeless cases into happily-ever-afters, and made many a good marriage even better. So here’s the deal: If you won’t make me change the oil, I won’t ask you to read the relationship manual. I will, however, suggest that you give it to your Relationship Mechanic, along with a romantic card that says you respect and appreciate the hard work she does for you and your marriage.

If you follow these steps, your entire relationship will improve, because very few Difficult Women continue behaving badly in an ongoing atmosphere of respect. Plus, you’ll be right in every important sense. Always.

Cheers,

Duana

Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com

 All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.  

The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his book The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work. 

Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/display/Search?searchQuery=gottman&moduleId=9130610&moduleFilter=&categoryFilter=JournalEntry&startAt=0

Comments

[Mocha's Mom]

My first thought is that lesbians must spend a LOT of time discussing their relationship(s).

My second thought is that while society really, really, really expects women to maintain the social and emotional fabric of romantic and familial relationships, it's pretty unusual for a woman to get sane ideas on how to do so from said society.

While this column is aimed at men coping with women, there's also the issue of how we as women can cope with being given this responsibility without driving our mates crazy.

It is really hard to stand up under the pressure of _knowing_ that something is wrong in the relationship and not knowing how to verbalize it (much less come up with rational ways of solving or working with the problem).

BTW, my fave relationship book is _A Guide to Rational Living_ ( by Ellis and Harper). Appropos of nothing.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Hi, M.M.,

Very funny about lesbians and endless discussions...and, as it happens, somewhat true. Lesbian women do spend more time negotiating, talking, and working things out, as compared to straight or gay couples. Indeed, on average, gay male couples spend the least time In Negotiations of all.

I hope to present an article on how women can be more effective Relationship Mechanics in the next few weeks. Stay tuned, and thank you for your thoughts.

And thanks also for the recommendation of Ellis' book; I've not read it, but will.

Cheers,
Duana

[Mocha's Mom]

As long as we're on the subject, I would say there is a huge, huge industry devoted to making women worse at being Relationship Mechanics. The problem Ross and Mark are talking about doesn't occur in a vacuum; far from it.

A lot of TV shows, books, and movies dealing with relationships and aimed at women do their best to teach us gals to use a lot of pseudo-psychological terminology and to judge our own performance on things like whether or not we "get closure on a specific issue."

I really feel for Ross and Mark, because it much be hard to walk into a situation where your Relationship Mechanic has been thoroughly coached to demand a level of instant understanding and functionality that is only occasionally actually attainable.

Not to mention the large number of terrible, terrible relationship books that women are encouraged to give to their husbands as assigned reading. If a woman is in the unfortunate position of being home alone during the day (because telecommuting while breastfeeding is so gosh-darned easy-peasy), she is likely to turn on the TV just to hear adults talking, and then she will wind up with a big pile of well-packaged bull cookies that she's been primed to hit her spouse with the second he gets home.

And as long as this has turned into a big ol' rant: Seriously, it is hard enough to figure out how to address relationship problems, but then Redbook or Cosmo hits you with a quiz "proving" that you aren't doing a good enough job as RM. It's like a punch in the gut every time you read a mag at the hairdresser!

It ain't just your SO, fellows -- there's a whole industry making her nutty bit by bit. Don't blame the messenger, blame Dr. Phil, and hurt him personally if possible.

Empowered and knowledgeable women are the bain of many industries. The wedding-industrial complex, the weight-loss industry, and the "we have to keep your relationship in a constant state of failure to sell you stuff" business.

Okay, end rant. For now.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Excellent rant, M.M. In my observation, there's not only an industry that reduces women's Relationship Mechanic skills, but one that effectively models mean rudeness for children...hurting the kids' chances of eventually building strong intimate relationships. Children are proven to process televised information differently than adults do, and children thus have few defenses against the rude, callous, bratty behavior that is typical of mainstream TV programming. Experiments show that the worst outcome of TV for kids is not obesity, type 2 diabetes, violence in real life, or unwarranted fears--although those are all outcomes. No, the worst outcomes are that TV *causes* less compassion and concern for others, and TV replaces real life--including face-to-face interactions kids have to have in order to make their own relationships work someday.

Rant over.
For now. ;)

[Mocha's Mom]

Thanks for your response Duana. I have two things to add:

(1) Mark and Ross, I wish you the best of luck in your relationships. Duana's advice to you seems so sane and helpful that the only thing I might add is that if you can find the time to read _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ it might help you to help your SOs understand that you are on the same side they are on.

(2) Duana, I think that it is clear that henceforth all children should be raised on a strict diet of shows beloved by nerds, such as Star Trek, wherein morals, knowledge, and goodness are elevated and rude badness is considered to be, well, bad. Or, as Craig Ferguson put it: "Doctor Who [or fill in your own fave SciFi TV show here] is about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism."

Jersey Shore sucks.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

"A book commits suicide every time Jersey Shore airs." --unknown :)