Dear Duana,
Women are ALWAYS right. Just ask one. That’s what I’d like to read about. I will admit that they are usually right, but how do you tactfully approach them when they are wrong? I think I’ve learned to do it but I’d like to read about it anyway.
Ross
I agree with Ross . Women are ALWAYS right. And, when you are able to convince them that they are wrong … you then have to deal with a bitter woman for days! I’ve always had a very difficult time communicating with women in difficult situations. “Can’t live with them , can’t live without them”. Go figure!! What to do?
Mark
Dear Ross and Mark,
You had me at “always”. Seriously, though, it’s not about convincing your Difficult Woman that she’s wrong, nor conceding your point every time. Instead, it’s about three easy steps so your sex life, happiness, wallet, sex life, health, and sex life all win big.
Now that I’ve got your attention…
Step 1: Recognize and respect your Relationship Mechanic’s work.
Most men gallantly discharge tasks including lawn work, car care, and open-flame cooking. Some—God love them—scrub toilets.Meanwhile, women maintain relationships. But whereas men’s chivalry is appropriately acknowledged as important work, women’s efforts are frequently called by another name: Nagging.
Although this can be painful to the more Silent Sex, fully 80% of difficult issues are brought up by the wife in heterosexual couples, according to 35-plus years of research by marital happiness guru Dr. John Gottman. And neither cars nor relationships run well without maintenance. In the happiest couples, the wife does *not* accept a lackluster marriage as the norm, nor does she ignore problems as her anger builds. Instead, she does the vital job of complaining, insisting on protecting and enhancing the marriage.
So make a mental shift to honor your Relationship Mechanic’s work. It’s the couples who are disengaged –living separate, lonely lives under the same roof, often without bothering to fight anymore— who are at the greatest risk of misery, adultery, and divorce.
Step 2: Prevent harsh startup by including her input.
Some women are better Mechanics than others, though. Difficult Women criticize instead of gently voicing a mere complaint about the specific behavior at hand (Just because research shows criticism never helps a relationship doesn’t mean women have gotten The Memo). If “Remember how we used to cuddle? Let’s do it tonight,” has routinely become “You selfish jerk! You never consider my needs,” it’s a statistical guarantee that you’re headed towards the For Worse part of the marriage contract.
Fortunately, you can reverse the Difficult Woman metamorphosis, especially if you still admire and like your wife. Most women only turn Difficult after months or years of feeling disrespected when their input is ignored. So the solution is straightforward: Include her input.
Does this mean saying “Yes, Dear”? No; constant agreement is impossible. In fact, 69% of problems are unsolvable in all marriages, including the happy ones. Instead, convey respect by considering your wife’s perspective in life’s decisions and discussions, big and small—whether or not you ultimately do it her way. Concretely, this means calling her before you agree to a night out with the guys; asking her opinion on what TV to buy; listening if she has ideas about skim vs. 2%; and doing the difficult discussions instead of tuning her out. Some call these men whipped.Researchers use a different term: Happy.
Step 3: Recognize a flooded engine, and know what to do about it.
It’s happening again: Your wife has broached a sore subject, and she’s done it harshly. Take your pulse—really. If it’s over 100 beats per minute, Gottman’s science says you’re “flooded” and won’t process another thing right now.
What most men do at this point is called “stonewalling”—watching their mate’s mouth move while failing to respond in any way, and hoping it will eventually be over. Although research shows that men stonewall to avoid escalating a fight, it usually has the opposite effect. And of the four destructive disagreement techniques (in order: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling)—habitual stonewalling is the deadliest for a marriage’s longevity, heralding an end that is near indeed.
So don’t stonewall. Instead, take a break. You’ll require 20- to 30 minutes of TV or some other non-alcoholic distraction—after which it’s vital for you to return to the discussion. Imagine your Difficult Woman’s shock when she assassinates your character, only to find that your response is to calmly stop her, tell her you want to continue the talk after you’ve had a half-hour break—after which you actually return to consider her opinion. The goodwill you’ll buy will prove priceless. And over time, you’ll win. Not the battle—not the war—the peace.
Extra Credit: Give your Relationship Mechanic the manual.
You’ve probably discerned that Gottman is a research demigod—and you’re right. His “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert” is the only relationship book continually kept on my nightstand, and it’s a well-worn copy for good reason. By scientifically documenting the things happy couples do well and teaching the rest of us how, he’s turned many seemingly hopeless cases into happily-ever-afters, and made many a good marriage even better. So here’s the deal: If you won’t make me change the oil, I won’t ask you to read the relationship manual. I will, however, suggest that you give it to your Relationship Mechanic, along with a romantic card that says you respect and appreciate the hard work she does for you and your marriage.
If you follow these steps, your entire relationship will improve, because very few Difficult Women continue behaving badly in an ongoing atmosphere of respect. Plus, you’ll be right in every important sense. Always.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his book The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/display/Search?searchQuery=gottman&moduleId=9130610&moduleFilter=&categoryFilter=JournalEntry&startAt=0