Young Love--Young Marriage?
Dear Duana,
Audrey and I share love, commitment, values, goals, interests, and ambitions. We’re not religious, or pregnant, or marrying because of an abstinence-only mindset. We just know This Is It.
Problem is, we also share youth. I’m 18 and she’s 17. I’m known as unusually responsible. I’m planning for a doctorate in chemistry, I’ve saved from jobs I’ve held, and I pay cash for everything, including the engagement ring I bought Audrey after a year.
But still, we’re very young, and we realize we need our parents’ guidance. We’re worried we can’t succeed at marriage without their blessing and help. And we are willing to wait a couple years to get married.
What should we say to them? They don’t know we’re engaged…
Grant
Dear Grant,
Experiments have shown that the best way to influence an unconvinced audience is to start by acknowledging the Other Side’s point of view.
So let’s begin by understanding what’s *against* your success. Among your parents’ possible objections, expect these:
“You’re Too Young.”
Imagine that you are you—but age 30. And that Audrey is Audrey—but age 29. Now imagine you’re delivering the engagement news.
See the difference?
The odds of eventual divorce are the greatest when folks marry before age 25 in the USA—and they drop significantly thereafter (data from the CDC and other sources are summarized here). The worst risk? Marrying a woman who is under age 20—but your age very much matters as well. So, at 30, your hard-working, money-saving, commitment-desiring, ambitious, far-thinking, loving Self would be considered a fine catch in many a family.
At 18—not so much.
It’s related to the development of The Prefrontal Cortex—the brain area that lets you foresee long-term consequences of your actions. And it usually isn’t finished ‘cooking’ until age…25.
Meaning? Most people take bad risks and don’t do well at making long-term decisions pre-25. Heck, Hertz won’t even let you rent a car before then!
So it’s hardly surprising that when one immature prefrontal cortex commits to another, it usually spells doom.
All that said, my well-done prefrontal cortex admires your medium-rare one. You’re highly practiced at delaying gratification; you have an ambitious and well-defined long-term direction; and you’re able to think through consequences your actions could have, not only for you and Audrey together, but in relation to your parents. If Audrey is likewise self-disciplined, that’s positive.
And…you’re willing to Wait to actually marry. Even a 20-year-old newlywed fares far better than an 18-year-old, and a long dating period is a good predictor of wedded success for the young.
“You’re Just Infatuated.”
For whatever reason, it’s typical for parent-aged people to forget a science-based truth:
Young People Can Really Fall In Love. Yes, even without other dating experiences, and even younger than you and Audrey. In what I call Right Person, Wrong Time Syndrome, many such people have re-united years and decades later to find bliss with one another (and/or to wreck the families they had created in the interim), regretful of the wasted years between their reconnection.
The #1 reason these folks give for their youthful break-up? Parental disapproval. Many of these former lovers have spent most of a lifetime wondering: What If? And resenting the parents who parted them.
“It Takes A Lot More Than Love To Make A Good Marriage.”
Did you know nearly everyone in the Western world is in love when they marry? Yet the divorce rate is almost 50% for first marriages in the USA—and even higher for subsequent unions.
Love is not enough. Yes—it’s the supreme Motivator to get a relationship’s foundation down pat, and it solidifies emotional bonds. And it feels fan-flippin’-tastic!
But love alone is not sufficient now, nor ever has been. Add Similarity and Commitment to the mix, though, and you’ve got a potion with staying power. And given that you and Audrey share all of this, it’s a good sign.
“You Need A Community To Help You Finish Growing Up.”
Actually, your parents may not bring up this potential roadblock. But *you* did, and it shows uncanny wisdom.
Although the average age of first marriage is now around 27 and has been about 22 (not teens!) for most of American history, it appears that youths who marry *and stay happily married* have something notable—besides age— in common:
They have a community that helps them grow up together.
This often consists of parents and/or a religious group and/or small town that pulls together to help the young couple learn how to become married adults, and to see their vows as transcending daily toil. Far from tearing young couples apart, these folks actively help the couple learn and do the right stuff to stay together—and discourage them from giving up in the inevitable tough times even the best marriages endure.
So, what do you say?
The conversation(s) can take many forms—or you may choose to put it in a letter and then await a response—, but I’d recommend touching on each of these possible concerns at the outset, and then politely addressing others as they arise:
“We have some news we think you might not like very much, but we’re hoping you’ll hear us out and then let us listen to you. No, we’re not pregnant. But we are engaged.
“We’re engaged not only because we’re in love, but also because we share values and interests and goals. We haven’t dated many others, but sometimes, young people know they’ve found The One, and we know that’s true for us. We’re committed to each other.
“We realize we’re very young. Even though we’re working hard towards many goals, we’re too young to marry, so we’re willing to wait a couple years for the wedding. And we don’t want to disappoint you or make you fear for our happiness or success in life.
“We know we need your help to learn to be good spouses to one another. May we have your blessing? Will you help us to become an adult couple?
“We value you and what you can teach us. Please say you’ll show us the way.”
Grant, at bottom, what most parents really want for their children is their kids’ success and happiness. If you and Audrey respectfully address your parents’ fears and show you want The Marriage Map and you know they’ve got it—if you show your maturity and willingness to Wait—if you let them form part of your Community—
then yes, even then, it’s still risky.
But this may just be the right thing for all of you. I wish you every happiness.
Cheers,
Duana
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
W. Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, for research about Love versus Community as a basis for lasting marriage.
David G. Myers, whose work in Social Psychology has, over many years, taught me much of the background for this article.
The Centers For Disease Control and DivorcePeers, for data regarding age and marital dissolution.
If this article intrigued, surprised or enlightened you, please click “Share Article” below to link it with your favorite social media website.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2010
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
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Reader Comments (8)
You know this is a very interesting topic of discussion.. People are always saying that young love never truly happens. I think that it does. Just because you are 17 or 18 yrs old and are madly in love doesn't mean that it won't last. Yes you have to tell the parents what is going on and they are going to say the normal things like what is mentioned above but if you show them that you are responsible enough, willing to work for what you want and are willing to gain the experience of what the parents have to offer then I feel things will work out for the best. You will always have the naysayers, and the watch what happens when people. I think there are young couples out there that can make this happen. Just my opinion.... Thanks
Hi, Rob,
You're right on all counts. Young love *does* occur, it *can* be real, and it *can* last. Unless certain basic supports are there, though, it tends to crash and burn.
These basic supports include the following risk factors. Young couples are more likely to stay married--and happily so--if they:
--Wait until *after age 20* to actually get married;
--Both have parents still married to one another;
--Date longer than a year;
--Get a good and similar level of education;
--Find and keep jobs they like, where the income is reliable (even if the income isn't high)
--Live in a small community where others will be invested in the couple's well-being
--Aren't living together or pregnant when they get engaged or married
--Are both committed to a religion, and even better, to the same religion
--Are no more than 9 years apart in age
As you see, if we were to summarize the data, we could say that being similar to one another, being out of one's teens (at a minimum!), and being Supported By Others in your relationship when you get married all help *hugely* in having couples stay together.
Grant and Audrey have most of this list in their favor--which is why, instead of saying "What, Are You Crazy?!!!", I encouraged them to go forward with the help of their families.
Thanks again for your observations and comments!
very nice post and interesting website
As always, Duana, I enjoyed reading & learning from this article.
My parents got married, in 1956, at the age of 19. They are literally the exact same age...except my Dad is 4 HOURS older than my Mom!! :D
54 years later they are still happily wed, & are still each other's best friends. In addition, they continue to be wise & loving parents to each of their 4 remaining children (my youngest brother died of testicular cancer 5 years ago). Their wisdom & life experiences are vast, & their lasting love for one another, provides an example of marital success. Because of the longevity of their marriage, my siblings & I often ask their advice on marital problems that have arisen in each of our marriages, & their take on raising our own children.
Dear Duana,
I wasn't able to adequately finish my previous posting, so the following is Part 2 of my posting:
What makes my parents 54 successful, marital years together so unique, is they did NOT have any of the family support & blessings that your article discussed. Both my mom & dad came from abusive homes. My mom's father died at age 40, & her mother quickly married a man 25 years younger. Because her new husband was only a little more then decade older than my mom, this man quickly decided that he did not want a stepdaughter around, so he & my mom's mom shipped her off to a girl's home from the age of 11-18. My dad's dad was physically abusive to my dad, so my dad joined the navy as soon as he graduated from high school. When my parenta decided to get married, they did not have either of their parents' blessing bc they were thought to be too young. They married anyway (at age 19), & were each other's support. My wonderful parents beat all the odds. How they were able to do this, amazes me & my siblings.
So, young love & marriage can turn out successfully. On the other hand, I do hope that Grant & Audrey do wait for a few years...to allow their prefrontal cortex "cook" a little more, emotionally mature from being teenagers to secure adults... have a solid, an independent financial status.
I wish both Grant & Audrey all the best. Their marriage plans seem sound!
Hi, Laura,
Your parents' example is heartening--most people yearn for such a beautiful marriage.
But it's not necessarily an example that today's young adults should use to tell themselves their own unions will pan out. I agree with you that, in Grant and Audrey's case, they probably have a pretty good shot at this. They have most of the "risk factors" on their side.
Contrast that with a letter received from another 18-year-old man--one who also wants to marry his girlfriend, but with *not one* of the factors in their favor. For instance, he's not religious and in fact disrespects religion--and she faces Mecca five times a day! His parents are divorced--and hers are adamantly opposed to the marriage! And...he sees no reason to wait at all to marry!
In circumstances like those, young love may be love...but marriage would be utterly foolish.
Back to your parents. Although they had little community in the form of family, they did share religion, similarity in age and goals and attitudes...and a *broader culture* that tried to keep newlyweds married at that time.
Contrast that with today's broader culture of no-fault divorce and scientifically measured attitudes showing that When The Going Gets Tough, our over-all American society now thinks that divorce is The Solution. The well-researched message that Everyone Has Problems, And If You Change Partners, You Will Just Get A Different Set Of Problems --combined with its twin message that You Can Have Problems & Be Happy Anyway--has not trickled into mainstream consciousness.
So, often, today's young people are truly alone in their quest for a good marriage. When they have no religious community, no parental support (or, worse, parents who actively try to undermine the match), and a society that views marriage as easy come, easy go--no wonder young marriage is such an uphill struggle.
Finally, there are some communities that have always done fairly well at young marriage, such as the Hutterites...but even they usually wait until after 20 to wed. And, working in their favor but not in that of our mainstrream society, their gender roles of What Men Do and What Women Do are so entrenched, there's not much fighting about how life will be lived. Nobody runs off to a different college, or decides to stop raising babies and start pursuing a new business, etc.
As a modern woman who isn't from a closed community like that, I, of course, would never want to live that way. I have my American freedoms, and I love them. I wouldn't take anything for my doctorate or this column or the fact that I can do this and teach and parent and be a wife. I love it that my husband supports me in all of that.
But to the extent that our freedoms detach us from a community that sees our business as their business--especially when it comes to matrimony--it's now clear that there are trade-offs. And marriage often gets the short end of that--especially when the bride and groom are Ye Of Uncooked Prefrontal Cortices.
Thank you (and your parents) for showing us a real and beautiful success story despite the odds!
Why does he need to tell any of the parents now?
He's just gonna get shot down which means, IMHO, two things will happen simultaneously --
(1) the negativity from the parents will strengthen the couple's resolve to marry, despite their recognition of potential deal-breakers, and
(2) that same negativity will serve as a seed of mistrust and discontent between them.
Dear Monica,
What you're referring to is called 'reactance' by social scientists--the tendency people have to restore their sense of freedom when it's been threatened. So, research has shown that when parents forbid their kids to date a specific person, most adolescents respond by saying they're even more deeply in love--the "Romeo & Juliet effect".
I think if the parents were to react negatively, in this case, it would not matter per this couple's commitment, since they already have such a high level of commitment to each other.
But your second point, I suspect, would hold true. If the parents don't get on-board, it can sow seeds of discontent between the young couple. The younger we are, the more vulnerable and in need of some guidance.
I hope this couple's parents will all help, rather than hinder, to make sure these particular young adults finish growing up well and happy and together. They do have so much else going for them.
Funny--as I've been writing this, I've been considering how I would react if an 18-year-old of this young man's quality were to court my daughter as she grows up. I think I would be in favor--certainly moreso than if she were with someone shiftless and aimless and heartless, and moreso than if she were simply to bumble her way through her 20's with men who mean little and/or break her heart. I would rather help raise her to have a good marriage, even if it meant raising her while she was in that marriage at the start, than having her practice habits contrary to her own long-term best interest. I don't think I would stand in the way.
On the other hand, if someone unworthy proposed....watch out :).