When She's Never In The Mood: how can Emma get her groove back?
Dear Emma,
When you asked how to locate your libido, the scientific answer quickly emerged: Despite hypoactive sexual desire disorder’s ubiquity as the #1 female sexual problem, there’s no widely/wildly successful solution. Turns out, research indicates that reviving the drive is about as straightforward as female sexuality itself.
But despair not. The many possible *causes* of absent or low desire mean many possible *cures*. And by considering a few such possibilities tailored to your letter, I’ll bet we hit on at least one that’s right for you.
Just Say Yes?
In the absence of clear-cut answers, I often consult our Wise Readers—and this time, the respondents were especially understanding: 27% of the men and 81% of the women struggle(d) with their own low lust (please see results beneath my signature).
While Readers were spot-on about many of the most common reasons for HSD, their own most-tried fix —Just Saying Yes to keep the peace—appears more, not less, likely to *end* the marriage. And that’s what you’ve already done without success anyway.
So I think you’re right; you need to want to *Want* To. Routinely going along to get along doesn’t work for this.
Instead, consider these other options science and Wise Readers alike identified.
Examine Thy Body
Testosterone: It isn’t just for men anymore, and never was. The only proven chemical aphrodisiac for women, it’s largely responsible for our out-and-out lust. Usually, young women’s bodies manufacture enough to get various juices flowing. But all women produce less with age, and some produce almost zilch at every age—which I suspect could be a factor for you, given your absence of sexual desire even on your honeymoon.
Recommendation? Get your doc to test your hormone levels. If you’re in need of some androgens, s/he can then prescribetestosterone at a level that’ll put lust in your heart but not hair on your chest.
Depression: As a mid-50’s man wrote, “[My ex-wife has] clinical depression…For over 30 years now, our relationship endures without benefits….”
The length of your low libido makes me wonder whether you’ve got a history of chronic clinical depression? Ironically, depression and many of its treatments make the thought of sex seem as appealing as sorting socks. So if needed, get or switch meds—and perhaps you’ll want to lay something down besides laundry.
Examine Thy Head
Spectatoring: As one mid-20’s woman put it, “My lowered sexual desire is usually the result of some sort of self-consciousness or body issues (i.e., fat day).”
Sex, like meditation, requires you to Be Here Now. Yet women commonly distance themselves from pleasure and create anxiety by obsessing about our physical dimensions during sex — as in, “My butt is the size of Toledo,” or “I hope he doesn’t notice my droopy right boob”.
Know this: You cannot focus on your pleasure *and* your muffin-top. And you will not want sex if having it means confronting your perceived physical flaws.
If this is you, the fix is slow but sure. Catch yourself spectatoring; gently confront yourself with The Truth that your husband has often *wanted*, not rejected, your body; and Be In The Moment, with all its pleasures. Repeat as needed for effective mental floss.
Shameful Beliefs: Speaking of mental floss, what do you believe about sex? Is it dirty, something a nice woman shouldn’t enjoy? Do you think your genitals are ugly, filthy or untouchable? Chronic low desire like yours is often related to women’s upbringing.
Sadly, these beliefs commonly arise from well-intentioned parents, religions and authorities whose attempts to protect young girls’ innocence go awry. It’s as if some adults can’t or won’t acknowledge that someday, their girls won’t be little anymore; they’ll grow into Women whose hearts and homes are best-served by their thriving, guilt-free sexual union.
Hurtful Experiences: Sometimes, women are raised in a way that promotes healthy adult sexuality—only to have that undone by sexual abuse or rape. Unsurprisingly, such treatment often impairs women’s sexual desire long after the abuse has occurred.
Emma, although many women move past such beliefs and experiences on their own, if either issue troubles *you*, it’s been over a dozen years—too, too long. I recommend you get cognitive behavioral therapy
Examine Thy Knowledge:
Education & Communication: As one Wise Reader succinctly said: “Have an orgasm.”
Although many women who have orgasms still experience low desire, I’m not dismissing his advice. Your letter left me and many Wise Readers wondering whether you’ve ever experienced climax or even just pleasure, and/or whether either you or Sid knows what feels great versus grate.
It’s possible you and your husband are simply uninformed regarding Care & Feeding Of The Clitoris (and The Entire Body Surrounding It). Or maybe you’re informed generally—but you’ve never told Sid *specifically* what feels good to *you*.
If either of these is so, sex will suck. In the bad way.
Fortunately, the solution is fun, easy, inexpensive, and intimacy-enhancing. For just the cost of some massage oil (and perhaps abook on self-pleasuring
Emma, female sexuality is complex; *your* sexuality is complex. But the real expert on you is You. I hope this partial list is just what you need for sensual and self-exploration. And that you and Sid are enjoying some mutually desired exploration of one another soon.
Cheers,
Duana
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Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com.
Survey RESULTS for Folk Wisdom: What To Do When She’s Not (Ever) In The Mood?
—with sincere thanks to the 37 Wise Readers who contributed their answers and insights
To read Emma’s letter, on which the survey was based, please click here.
Note that this is not a scientific survey. As with other Love Science Folk Wisdom articles, the sampling was non-random. And here, the results strongly suggest the questionnaire held the most appeal for those who are or have struggled with their own or a partner’s low desire.
These are the people on the problem’s front lines, and they’re in a perfect position to tell us what they did in order to help with the problem—and whether it worked.
Here’s what they said:
RESPONDENT GENDER: 70% women, 30% men
RESPONDENT SEXUAL ORIENTATION: 100% of the respondents who wrote about a partner’s low desire were writing about an opposite-sex partner. However, sexual orientation was not specifically asked about in the survey; it’s possible GLBT readers were among those not having low desire issues.
RESPONDENT AGE: 41 years on average; median 40, mode 42, range 20 to 56.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH *YOUR OWN* LOW SEXUAL DESIRE?
—62% of all respondents said Yes, and there was a *huge* difference between men and women. 27% of the men said they’d had trouble with their own low desire—compared to 81% of women!
This is much higher than the amount of low desire found in scientifically conducted surveys and studies. As an earlier LSreported, in most USA research, about 25% of pre- and about 50% of post-menopausal women experience low desire at some point; international data indicate about 10-15% of women report *no* desire. And in well-run studies, *men* report low desire at about half women’s rate. (The male “ever-ready” reputation is apparently over-done.)
Therefore, our sample isn’t representative—but these folks do know from experience whereof they write.
The top reason they gave for their low desire was being stressed or tired (22%), followed by having a poor body image (11% of the sample—all of them women), responding to hormonal changes from aging or pregnancy or nursing (11%—all of them women), needing more stimulation from the man they were with (11%—all of them women), resenting or having a bad relationship with their partner (8% of the total sample—all of them women), and taking medication that killed their drive (5%). Another 2% of respondents indicated one or more of the following sex-drive villains: depression, poor health, lack of privacy, or not knowing what could have caused the low desire.
Most respondents didn’t say how they coped with their problem. Among those who gave an answer, though, the #1 answer was Giving Sex Anyway (16% of total sample). However, the *reason* for Just Doing It varied from doing it to save the marriage, please the man/keep him, revv one’s own sex drive, or be loving toward one’s partner. Select responses follow:
—31 y.o. man: I would just go for 3 months or longer with no drive. My partner would be so upset, but I just couldn’t do anything and then bam just like that it would be back…. Maybe it’s stress, sometimes work and school can catch up with me.
—23 y.o. woman: I believe it was because of depression and I fixed it by having sexual relations with [him] even when I wasn’t in the mood because I found that I would eventually get in the mood and then I would feel more aroused more often.
—26 y.o. woman: My lowered sexual desire is usually the result of some sort of self- consciousness or body issue (i.e., fat day).
—45 y.o. woman: … resentment towards my spouse. It felt as if I was the one constantly giving and that sex was just another thing I had to do (a chore)….when he did things to make my life easier I was relaxed and appreciative….
—28 y.o. woman: The solution that worked for me was to find a man who cared to make sure i had as much fun as he did….Before then, for me it wasn’t really all that enjoyable, i would rather read a book….
—50 y.o. woman: ….The key for me is to get relaxed, which can take 2 weeks. That’s not a typo.
—42 y.o. woman: I deal with [low desire during non-ovulation weeks] by spontaneously offering skillful hand-jobs. I can do this with love and a good will. I think he enjoys getting to just lie back and let it happen, so it’s a win for everyone.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: HAVE YOU EVER HAD PROBLEMS WITH *A PARTNER’S* LOW SEXUAL DESIRE?
Again, the Yes’ were high: 64% of men and 27% of women had felt bothered by a partner’s low libido.
Many respondents did not explain their partner’s low desire. But those who did indicated that severe depression or other mental illnesses; medications; erectile disorder; physical conditions such as pregnancy or hormonal changes; or stress were culprits for their partner (4% each).
Sadly, the #1 “solution” to the problem was no solution; nothing had worked or been tried (16% of total sample), and/or they had broken up or divorced (10%). Other fixes included waiting until the partner was less stressed (4%), followed by 2% each for these: being patient (one man), making sex more fun for the partner (one man), or dressing sexier (one woman). Select responses follow:
—42-y.o. man: Not much unfortunately, but I learned how to be patient. Eventually “it” came back with even more passion, so my patience paid off.
—20 y.o. woman: My boyfriend and I will try to find a time when he isn’t tired from work or distracted by his daily routine so that we can have sex on a regular basis.
—56 y.o. man: X-wife [has] clinical depression…For over 30 years now, our relationship endures without benefits….
—55 y.o. man: No desire would be more accurate. We lived in the same house but different rooms with virtually no contact for years. Needless to say, this went on for too long. I finally divorced her.
—26 y.o. woman: I am a female age 26, with higher desire than my partner, a male age 29. So really, my situation is the opposite of Emma. This issue is still a work in progress, and I find it quite frustrating. Not much has been resolved, I find myself initiating most of the time. Typically he’ll say he’s not in the mood, but I can usually get things going, but often, it only satisfies him, and not myself. So it appears that I’m in the need of some advice as well!
—51 y.o. man: I discovered she responded to light bondage scenarios.
—50 y.o. man: ….She wanted babies, so we made babies [but with no sex during pregnancy]….She would go weeks without responding to me, but then there would be a surprising reawakening of interest. Nothing was done to help.
—39 y.o. woman: Sometimes when I am pregnant, I’m more interested than he is! It gives me insight into how insulting it is to be turned down. It’s really hurtful.
RESPONDENTS’ ADVICE TO EMMA:
Respondents had a wealth of suggestions for Emma. They most commonly advised that she seek some medical attention, such as checking her hormones or her meds or seeking testosterone therapy (43% of total sample); teach her husband how to please her/experiment sexually / have orgasms and better sex (38%); use Videos & Literature (aka porn and romance novels or sexual information) to jump-start arousal (14%); engage in some form of sexual activity in the hopes of revving her own libido and/or appeasing or pleasing her mate (16%); examine her upbringing and her personal history for beliefs and experiences that could have caused her absent desire (14%); de-stress/relax/don’t worry about whether you’re doing sex ‘right’ (14%); and improve the emotional closeness with her husband (8%). Less-frequently offered advice included being patient with herself or seeking therapy (5% each), or exercising, accepting lower libido with age, letting her husband play the field while she abstains, or doing nothing to resolve the issue (one person apiece).
Select advice from Wise Readers:
—40 y.o. woman: Before doing anything else, make sure there aren’t any underlying medical conditions that either in themselves produce low libido or are being treated by prescriptions that have side effects of reducing libido. Any other steps won’t do any good if one of these two threshold issues exists.
—42 y.o. woman: ….I’d want to know if there’s an emotional reason, such as having a bad early sexual experience, guilty teaching from parents, or feeling disconnected from her husband. I’d also want to know if she ever felt any desire in her entire life. Maybe she’s just asexual.…[and] I’d ask her if there are sexual acts she can perform lovingly that satisfy her husband without making her resentful (like a good hand job).
—41 y.o. woman: Honestly? If I could get away with it I would introduce her to the world of porn. If she has always lacked sexual desire but now is wanting to want it, I would take her window shopping at some raunchy places….Bet she’s never had an orgasm…. I’ve had some friends who were so concerned about “doing sex right” that they never realized it felt good. They never stopped to think about the sensations they were having and that they didn’t need to climax. There’s so much pressure on women now to please their partners by climaxing “appropriately”, it seems like a whole new form of control. Yuk.
—56 y.o. man: ….Whatever the cause, it took a while to get to this place, expect it may take a while to unwind…I just want to applaud you for making an effort, and wish you the best.
—26 y.o. woman: If Emma were a friend….I would want to find out if she’s capable of enjoying some self-love, and whether part of the problem is a performance anxiety of sorts. I would think that experimenting more would be helpful, to see if there is something she DOES enjoy and can get enthused about!
—32-y.o. woman: I would tell her to get her hormones tested and to maybe try a testosterone cream. I’ve heard it works wonders.
—51 y.o. man: Have an orgasm.
—42 y.o. woman: …. I wonder if your husband knows what to do to help stimulate your sex drive, to help you feel pleasure and to know what feels good. Men don’t just come equipped with this knowledge, it has to be learned. And every woman is different, too. Have the two of you developed enough trust and security that you can safely explore different ways in which to help you feel pleasure?….
—42 y.o. woman: I would say that she should “fake it ‘till you make it,” because I do know that feelings often follow actions, not the other way around. I, however, do not find myself able to follow my own advice. Easier said than done, I guess.
—28 y.o. woman: Since she was a virgin before the marriage, maybe experiment, try things with her partner that increase arousal for her, let her get to experience desire and arousal in a safe way, find out what works for her if anything. If that still doesn’t work, or isn’t the problem, then maybe it’s a hormonal problem? She should see her obgyn and ask questions, that’s why they’re there!
—39 y.o. woman: Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest and do what you can to lower your stress level…..
—50 y.o. man: I don’t see the point of *trying* to want sex more if she doesn’t want sex. Sounds like she just wants another tool in the toolbox to keep her husband in the “marriage” (quotes used intentionally). This is the analogue of a man asking “What kind of presents and romantic gestures can I provide to make sure my wife will still want to stay with me?” But if she knows he doesn’t really want to do it, does it matter?
—42 y.o. man: I should take my own advice….I find that we need to take it a bit slower….foreplay is more important than ever.
Related Love Science articles:
Emma’s letter that was basis for today’s article:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/folk-wisdom-what-to-do-when-shes-not-ever-in-the-mood.html
Do It Yourself sex therapy / sensate focus:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sos-save-our-sexlife-or-do-it-yourself-sex-therapy-when-your.html
Q&A regarding DIY sex therapy /sensate focus:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-save-our-sexlife-diy-sex-therapy-when-your-guy-has-ed.html
Parenting children for healthy sexuality:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-kids-have-questionsyouve-got-answers.html
Q&A for growing healthy sexuality in kids: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-s-e-x-kids-have-questions-youve-got-answers.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
—Suzanne West and colleagues, for outstanding research on the prevalence of low desire and no desire among American women.
—Emily Impett and colleagues’ recent publication about the way a woman’s *reason* (or even just what her mate assumes is her reason) for saying yes to sex affects the relationship’s survival.
—Susan Davis for research showing testosterone’s effect on women’s sexual desire, and Irwin Goldstein’s overview of that research.
—Christine Purdon and Laura Holdaway, for examining un-sexy thoughts that lower libido.
—Leah Leonard and Victoria Follette, for research about women’s sexual abuse history during childhood and their adult desire levels.
—Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for Understanding Human Sexuality. Everyone with a body needs a human sexuality textbook; this is my favorite, and provided the starting place for much research in this article.
—William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, of course. They invented sensate focus and changed the world for countless couples with mismatched sexual desire long before medical interventions. Their book Human Sexual Inadequacy (1970) is a sex therapy classic.
—David D. Burns for bringing cognitive behavioral therapy to everyone with his Feeling Good Handbook
—Paul Joannides’ The Guide to Getting It On ! It’s the most fun you can have with a layman’s how-to.
—And if you just want to read a quick, accurate overview of general sensate focus techniques on the Internet, this was the resource I found to be most clear: http://www.partnertherapy.com/node/365
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and LoveScience Media, 2011, 2014.
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Reader Comments (5)
Other reasons partners may not want sex:
1. There's a physical turn-off: I once had a low-grade, year-long sinus infection which caused unpleasant breath and turned off my partner, and my partner had extensive sweating issues that turned me off -- both of these conditions are treatable although difficult to bring up. I'd say to gently broach the subject by asking if there is a physical barrier getting in the way of wanting to explore more intimacy. Of course, it has to feel safe to reveal one's feelings; unpleasant news is hard enough to deliver without fear of reprisal.
2. The connection is off. When there are underlying issues affecting emotional closeness, distance in physical closeness seems to soon follow.
Great article!
Dear MME,
Thank you for your insights. The #1 reason women lose drive is the second reason you gave: partner issues. The issue could be a lack of trust, connection, or feeling loved, but it's a big 'un. Emma loved her mate, but felt low desire even on her honeymoon--despite a great connection. So I don't think that was it for her. But it surely is for many.
That could be one reason why, in a huge survey at Cosmo Magazine, 3/4 of married women said they always have an orgasm during intercourse with their mate--yet 3/4 of single women said the often didn't have an orgasm with their current partner. Connection = commitment for a lot of us; and the commitment itself needs to be lovingly expressed, daily.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Cheers,
Duana
Orgasms for me are easy. Never, ever been a problem. What is missing for me, and always has been with this partner, is all in the brain. It's all in who each of us is and how we are together. There are good parts, but those aren't the parts that stoke my fires. Never have been, never will be. Sad, yes, but we both keep choosing to stay, and so, it seems, do most others, considering the stat for divorce in your sample was just 10%. Why? Perhaps that's the bigger question.
Dear WVS, thank you for your comment. I seem not to see the stat you're referring to (regarding a 10% divorce rate). Can you clarify, and I will try to answer?
Cheers,
Duana
Dear WVS, thank you for your comment. It's important to know that my survey wasn't scientifically conducted; in a proper survey, random sampling is used, meaning every person in the population being studied has an equal chance of being given the questionnaire. For instance, in this study, it would mean that every sexually active woman with both a partner and low desire would have to have an equal chance of being given the questionnaire. So my results may be skewed.
I imagine you can tell me more than I can tell you about why unions tend to endure even when there's chronic low desire. Marriage has huge economic, health, and happiness benefits even when the sex isn't all it could be, so perhaps that's it.
And another column I wrote showed that even among happy couples, a mismatch in desire is common. A lot of them deal with the mismatch through masturbation.
Another possibility that's statistically likely is this: Divorce and separation are complex phenomena, and so many, many things lead to them. We would not expect chronic sexual disinterest to be the only important factor. The divorce stat you referred to had to do specifically with divorce or separation because of low desire--not divorce in the sample generally.
Whatever the reasons, I hope you and your mate are able to work things out, in and out of the bedroom.
Cheers,
Duana