Want More Love? Share Your Feelings. Here's How.

Wise Readers, 

Being able to communicate clearly and effectively so your partner wants to listen and help meet your needs is a learnable skill. Its foundation is simple, but most of us weren’t raised with it. In consists of: 

a) becoming aware of your feelings (ie, noticing that you are having an emotion)

b) putting your feelings into words, and 

c) effectively sharing those words with your partner. 

To achieve this, you need a feelings vocabulary—a list you’ll see on the next page. 

I recommend sharing your feelings every day as a couples ritual; if you don’t have a partner, you can do the exercise in a journal to prepare for a healthy relationship.

 Every evening, as you share the events of the day, take turns expressing how you felt through the day. It may sound cringey, but it grows connection. 

Example: “I felt frustrated when my boss asked me if I’d done the work I had put on their desk yesterday. It made me feel unheard, unimportant, disregarded, and irrelevant.” 

Include positive feelings: “I felt grateful for the rain today.” “I felt turned on, adored, and connected with you when we made love tonight.” 

When sharing your feelings becomes second nature about life in general, that makes it much easier to communicate difficult feelings when they’re about something you need from your partner. 

Focusing on your feelings (not your partner’s failings) makes it less likely that you will put your partner on the defensive, and likelier that your partner will willingly do what they can to meet your needs. The formula is: I felt __ when ____ happened, and I need ___________. 

Examples: “I felt a little insecure when you dropped my hand in front of your ex. Can we talk more about that?” 

“I am exhausted and really need to relax right now. I understand that you want to go out. Can I rest for an hour and then head out with you?” 

This focus on feelings comes off as “I need something—please help me,” instead of, “You’re not good enough—there’s something wrong with you.” Leading with feelings will help you grow your connection. 

Again—remember to share positive feelings too! A good partner will do more of what they know works, and they will enjoy being affirmed by the one they love.

This need to identify, put into words, and share your entire array of feelings is especially true if you have a non-Secure attachment style. Research proves that stating feelings tends to reduce their power over us. Because Anxious and Avoidant attachers tend to overidentify with their emotions and get overwhelmed by them, saying what you feel is a big win. 

Also, when non-Secure attachers bring up something uncomfortable, they tend to wait until it’s a big deal, and then present issues in a critical way—ultimately making the relationship less intimate, more disconnected, and more likely to end. Research-proven! 

So here’s a handy list of feelings, by category. Feel free to print it out and use it every day with your partner! Your contentment, connection, and security with each other will grow. 

FEELINGS: Happy, useful, connected, pleasant: 

Content/Happy:        Peaceful          Calm                            Relaxed          Thoughtful      Serene            Pensive            Responsive      Sentimental                         Grateful          Thankful          Rich 

Pleased            Satisfied          Like I have everything I need              Appreciative    Yay!

Relieved          Hopeful           Optimistic                  Cheerful         Gleeful            Open

Surprised         Happy              Elated                         Thrilled            Excited           Joyful 

             Adventurous   Daring             Playful                        Entertained    Tickled             Fun      

Amazed           Amused           Hilarious/funny           Like LMAO       Schadenfreude           

Useful/Worthy/Strong:                    Generous                    Nurturing       Helpful            

Productive       Inspired           Invigorated                 Encouraged    A sense of meaning 

Vigorous          Energized        Energetic                    Eager               Honored                                 

 Like I’m doing something worthwhile                        Like I’m making a difference  

Self-actualized                        Effective                      Supportive      Humbled

Successful       Powerful         Heroic                        Confident       Competent 

AccomplishedImportant        Smart                          Respected      Proud 

Worthwhile     Valued             Trustworthy               Creative           Inspiring 

Fulfilled           Grounded        Whole                         High self-worth                       

Self-respecting                        Respectful                  Healthy            Valuable

Authentic        Honored          Admired                     Like the ruler of the universe

Connected/Loving/Horny:                 Safe                Secure             Supported       Loving

Like you’ve got my back         Like we’re a team                   Intimate          Appreciated 

Loved              Faithful            Loyal               Trusting           Trusted            Affirmed 

Like I belong    Close to you    Nurtured         Cared for         Cherished        Adored            Adoring           Adorable         Accepted            Aroused           Attractive        Comfortable    

Attracted to you                     Sensuous        Turned on       Flirtatious        Sexy

Like I’m so lucky to be with you                     Present            Engaged          Understood 

Heard  Romantic                     Affectionate    Kind                 Respectful       Considerate    Sympathetic    Complete        Empathetic            Comforted      

Like a sex god(dess)                Wanted           Passionate       Spoiled            Passionate      

 Like I can’t get enough of you

Like makin’ love (da da DA, da da DA, da da Da)

Other: Focused           Forthright       Alert                Intense            Stimulating      Stimulated  

Awed               Touched          Moved             Intrigued         Curious            Impressed

Inquisitive       Fascinating      Fascinated       Interesting      Interested       Relieved

Like the pressure is off           Like doing nothing all day       Like bingeing Netflix 

FEELINGS: Mad, scared, sad, unpleasant:

Mad:  Upset              Agitated          Annoyed          Irritated           Crabby            Frustrated       

Resentful         Defensive        Irate                Judgmental     Angry              Skeptical         

Critical            Hostile             Insulted           Righteously indignant                        

Appalled          Disgusted        Horrified         Furious            Infuriated                    

Enraged           Like I want to scream  

Scared:Anxious          Nervous          Concerned      Worried           Insecure         Overwhelmed

Afraid              Frightened      Panicked         Wary               Leery               Helpless 

Alarmed          Tense              Apprehensive  Concerned      Shy                  Cautious

Like I need you to say it will be okay              Like I might lose [you/my job/etc.] 

            Like I don’t know what to do

Sad:     Like crying       Hopeless        Pessimistic      In despair        Despondent   Depressed       

Discouraged    Miserable        Hurt                 Grief-stricken  In denial          Disbelief          

Shocked          Like it’s too much to take in   Like I want to make it all go away                  

Like I want things to go back to the way they were before   Exhausted       Tired               

Empty              Apathetic        Bored              Yearning          Longing           Like I miss you      

Rejected (may be a combination of fear, anger, and sadness):      Lonely            Alone  

Isolated           Lost                 Disconnected Unheard          Misunderstood           

Confused         Bewildered      Jealous            Envious           Inferior            Ridiculous       

Ridiculed         Attacked          Betrayed         Harassed         Picked on        Insignificant    

Outcast           Unappreciated                        Unwanted      Taken for granted                   

Abandoned     Unaccepted     Neglected        Alienated         Distant from you

Like you don’t like me            Like I need a little space         Like I need more closeness

Shamed/Guilty/Inferior:Ashamed    Inadequate      Sorry               Regretful         Weak   

Embarrassed         Foolish       Subordinate    Submissive      Stupid              Like a fraud 

Like a failure          Unattractive                     Like this outfit makes me look fat

Other:Uncomfortable   Stuck            Surprised         Stunned          Baffled            Selfish

            Longing              Yearning                  

From the article “Communicating Your Feelings So Your Relationship Thrives”

By Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.

Sources for feelings list: 

The Feeling Wheel, by Dr. Gloria Willcox

Dr. John Gottman & Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman

Tina Gilbertson, LPC

Dr. Duana Welch

Researched, organized, and expanded by Dr. Duana Welch, 2021