Why Not To Look Up That Old Flame On Facebook; or, How To Wreck A Perfectly Good Marriage (REVISED)

About 25% of us have one: A Lost Love from our youth who didn’t become our forever mate. And it’s only natural to wonder whatever happened to them. But for the married among us, it may be best to keep those musings to ourselves. This post—the first and most popular at Love Science—is updated per new data from paramount Lost Lovers researcher Dr. Nancy Kalish. Fascinating new details are here, but they only strengthen the core message: Unless you’re single, divorced or widowed—don’t look up that old flame on Facebook.

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Put A Ring On It: Trial separation versus trial marriage

Scientifically speaking, here’s what most women think at move-in: “I wonder when we’re getting married.” And most men think: “I wonder what’s on TV.” Ironically, women are choosing cohabitation now more than at any point in prior Western history—hoping for marriage while doing the very thing that undermines the likelihood of getting it. Be warned: Science shows that most men are inherently more reluctant to commit, and moving in before setting the wedding date hurts your chances of ever having him Put A Ring On It. But there’s still something you can do; here’s what and why.

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Commitment--Or Lack Thereof: The trouble with shacking up

“No. Not just no, Heck No!” Wise Readers, that’s what you felt about a Pete/Tina shack-up, per the recent Folk Wisdom inquiry. Through it, 41 readers anonymously submitted advice about a real couple in their mid-20’s with three years of dating and a desire to move in. But whereas Tina saw cohabiting as Engagement Lite, Pete viewed it more like a car lot—where test driving now can prevent owning a lemon later. Yet the majority who advised against a Pete/Tina move-in tended to approve cohabitation generally. Which brings us to a deeper question: Is cohabitation helpful in general—for most people on the path to choosing a mate?

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When First Love Is True Love: Re-Igniting The Old Flame

As science would have it, the best decision could well be returning to your first love. In fact, Dr. Nancy Kalish, expert on reunited relationships and author of a research-based book, “Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and fantasies of rekindled romances”, has interviewed thousands of lovers who re-established contact with a former flame. Although a few re-connections crash and burn, almost 80% of rekindled first loves passionately burn for a lifetime of happiness. So, Kalish’s research predicts that yes, your love with your first boyfriend is realistic, and yes, you could remain blissfully happy with him for a lifetime—IF you fit a certain profile.

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Texting Your Breakup? Whether, When, How, Why

Dear Duana, I just found an article that says Saudi men can now use text messaging to divorce their wives. Just send the words “I divorce you” three times, and the marriage is finished. Okay, we’re not quite that bad here, but I think we’ve gone overboard with reliance on technology to do things that really should be done in person. What do you know about this? And what’s the right way to break up, if there is one? Matt

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