Q&A from “Vibrator Dependence"

Wise Readers: 

Men chimed in from last week’s vibe column:  Is there a certain-size vibrator that can make up for a small penis?   Is there a wattage that will desensitize the clitoris and/or create vibrator dependence?  What about a frequency of vibrator use? Do older women make better lovers—or at least tell their partners more about what turns them on?

Read on!

 From Anonymous:  —My Penis Is Small—What Size Vibrator Will Come In Handy?—

I’m worried about my penis size and wonder if there’s a certain size vibrator or dildo to get as back-up?

Duana’s response: —You Can Learn A Lot From What Women Use When They’re Alone—

 Anon, did you find me by looking up Penis Size?  That’s the most-read LoveScience column right now, and if you haven’t seen it yet, here it is:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-size-matters-penis-size-and-womens-satisfaction.html. 

And here’s the Q&A that goes with Penis Size:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-when-size-matters-penis-size-and-womens-satisfaction.html

In a nutshell, “the vast majority of women are satisfied with their partner’s penis size.  In fact, 84% of USA women are “very satisfied” with their partner’s size (14% want larger and 2% want smaller)—and a third are satisfied even when they define their partner as “small”!”

Yet I keep getting letters from guys who think they can’t satisfy a partner because of small penile dimensions.  To them, I say, read the articles linked above, and then read this:

Bluntly put, women are doing what they like when they masturbate.  And what they like is for their clitori to be lovingly stroked in very specific, individualized ways.  When women are alone, most don’t put *anything* into the vagina during masturbation.  They get themselves off by stimulating the clitoris only.  Any and all peni (and hands, toys, tongues…) can reach the clit. 

But what about women who use insertion to get off?  They mostly use their fingers—which don’t reach nearly as far in as the vast majority of peni.  And those who use objects inside the vagina to reach climax?  Typically use objects that are at or smaller than the size of the average male penis.  The most popular vibrator/dildo sizes are 5-6 inches…and usually get applied externally a lot more than internally. 

Upshot?  Toys are fun; if you and your partner like ‘em, use ‘em.  But toys aren’t replacements for a flesh-and-blood Man who comes with the ability to touch, to tease, to hug, to hold, to whisper, to adore, to *relate* with.  No dildo ever invented has told a woman she tastes fantastic.  No vibrator ever held a woman as she drifted off to sleep in a totally sated post-coital haze o’ bliss.  

Use normal-sized toys—and your lips, and tongue, and fingers, and ears, and brain, and yes, your penis—because they bring your partner pleasure, not because you are insufficient. 

You are enough.  Proceed with joy!

From GC: —Does Wattage/Frequency Of Vibration Create Vibrator Dependence?—

Does wattage or frequency of the vibration matter in the strength of the dependence?….I would expect that the type of successful outcomes determine the dependency rate. Oh the imagination goes wild. I totally agree with the statement about women who use such appliances learn much more about themselves and what makes them gush so to speak. 2 Cents.

Duana’s response:

GC, I looked into whether any studies show a potential for permanent numbing/desensitization of the clitoral area, based either on frequency of use or intensity of vibration. All the sources I found said there was no such outcome. 

All the studies show only positive ongoing effects to masturbating with a vibrator—such as enhanced sexual desire, better feelings of satisfaction with their sex lives over-all, easier climaxing, greater frequency of climaxing, getting wetter, and feeling more excited. 

Almost half of men use vibrators too, by the way—and they report happy sexual effects as well ;). 

Importantly, *no* study I could find—anywhere—found negative outcomes of using vibrators, with or without a partner. 

So is it possible for women to over-stimulate?  Probably—anything can be done to excess, including drinking water, or eating broccoli.  But I’m guessing women stop well short of that mark.  When the good vibrations cease to be rewarding, and actually feel more punishing, folks probably unplug. 

On the other hand, the data are pretty clear that women do learn more about themselves when they masturbate, with or without toys and with or without a partner. So you’re right!  Thanks for your 2 cents. 

From Dan Knipe: —Women, Tell Us What You Want~It’s A Turn-On And We Will Do It!—

Hey, all I can say as a guy is that I wish that women were more upfront about that sort of thing! As a rule, we men generally like to please our ladies because if the lady is happy, she’ll want to be happy more often, which only works out in our favour!

So my suggestion to every lady is to sit down with her man and have a conversation that starts with the sentence, “Sit down, shut up, and I’m going to tell you in detail what gets me off.” You’ll find that careful notes are taken. And if toys are required, the only thing a guy is going to think is, ‘That is so HOT!’ We’re easy that way.

From Steve O’Connor: —What Dan Said!—

Not to say women shouldn’t practise on their own; They damn-well should! If a lady doesn’t know for herself what works, nothing a guy can do is going to help! as I’ve aged, what I’ve found is that there’s a definite correlation between a woman’s age and her willingness to express her needs in that area- however, like all things in life, your mileage may vary. 

Duana’s response: —Women Should Show & Tell…But It’s Tough For Many—

Dan, Steve, thanks for your notes (and allow me to note that you wanted your real names used). 

Women learn to come.  Partners learn how a specific woman gets off—rules used for one woman may bore or annoy another.  Sex is much more satisfying and pleasurable if the woman *tells* her partner what she has learned about herself—fact!

Yet few young women will do the Show ‘N Tail that could liberate them and their partners.  Have you read the article on what parents teach kids about sex?  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-kids-have-questionsyouve-got-answers.html

And the Q&A that goes with it?  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-s-e-x-kids-have-questions-youve-got-answers.html

It’s pretty clear that American adults are raised by uptight parents most of the time—parents who either tell them nothing about sex, or give the message (implied or directly stated) that sex is dirty, that touching yourself is dirty, that nice girls don’t do it (sex or masturbation), or that nice girls don’t enjoy it.  Yes, STILL. 

Which means, Steve, you’re correct.  It takes a lot of women quite a few years of adult sexual relating to free themselves up enough to fully explore pleasure with themselves and then a partner—to say, “This is what works for me, let me show you.” 

I hope many an older woman will pass this article along to many a younger woman, maybe with a little note: “It Gets Better.” 

Thanks for the encouragement, gentlemen. 

Cheers,

Duana

 Do you have a question for Duana?   Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.  You’ll get a response, and your real name is never used on-site. 

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.

Related LoveScience articles:

Vibrator dependence: Can using a vibrator make it harder to come with a partner? http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/vibrator-dependence-can-using-a-vibrator-make-it-harder-to-o.html

Masturbation: Its impact on a marriage (includes results from the LoveScience survey on masturbation): http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/masturbation-marriage.html

Questions and Answers about Masturbation and how it affects a long-term relationship’s sexuality: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-masturbation-marriage.html

Penis size: The Hole Truth http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-size-matters-penis-size-and-womens-satisfaction.html. 

And here’s the Q&A that goes with Penis Size:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-when-size-matters-penis-size-and-womens-satisfaction.html

 What USA Parents Tell Kids About SEX—and What Needs Telling:  http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-kids-have-questionsyouve-got-answers.html

And the Parent Sex-Talk Q&A:   http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-s-e-x-kids-have-questions-youve-got-answers.html

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

Debra Herbenick, Michael Reece, and others, for research in 2009 showing vibrators’ popularity; about53% of women and 45% of men in the USA use one, alone and/or with a partner.   These surveys showed only positive outcomes associated with women’s use of vibrators, such as women having higher desire, arousal, lubrication, and orgasmicity if they used vibrators.  And the men’s use was also correlated with outcomes such as improved erectile function, satisfaction with intercourse, orgasmicity, and sexual desire.  

Robert Crooks & Karla Baur, whose 11^th edition of the textbook Our Sexuality provided the only science-based advice or justification for occasionally masturbating without a vibrator so that a real-life partner could have a shot at replicating what gets a particular woman off.  They said advised that a woman can learn to orgasm from vibrator use, but after that….“it is helpful for her to return to manual stimulation….because it is easier for a partner to replicate a woman’s own touch than the stimulation of a vibrator.”  (From pp. 425-426, under the heading, ‘Becoming Orgasmic’.) 

Cindy Meston & David Buss, who expound on their research on Why Women Have Sex in a book by the same name.  In it, Meston points out that women –unlike men—*learn* how to have an orgasm.  And by the way, if you’re a human who just wants to know more about why humans (male and female, not women only) have sex—here’s a PDF of Meston & Buss’ free article:http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/HomePage/Group/MestonLAB/Publications/WhyHaveSex.pdf

The Guide To Getting It On, 6^th Edition, wherein ‘vibrator holidays’ of one week a month are recommended for anyone finding non-vibe stimulation to no longer be enough during partnered sexuality.  They didn’t provide any scientific justification for the recommendation, but based on the science I reviewed on learning/operant conditioning and women’s sexuality, it makes sense.    

More important is The Guide’s discussion of phthalates, pliable plastics present in many vibrators and dildos (non-vibrating items for insertion); if you use vibes/dildos made of glass, 100% silicon, and/or very hard plastic, you should be able to avoid ingesting possibly hazardous chemicals in your nethers.