Q&A from "Love At First Sight, Or The Truth About Lies"

Is love at first sight really *hindsight*—thinking we must have loved our beloved all along?  Do other mammals fall in love at first sight?  And what’s the timeframe for Trusting that our lover isn’t a liar? 

Read on! 

From Kelly: —Is Love At First Sight Really Hindsight?—

Interesting info to think about, as always.

I’m curious and wondering whether there is another effect here — a tendency to idealize a past event based on subsequent success or happiness. Kinda like remembering an average day at the ballpark with a treasured grandparent as The Best Game Ever. I’m wondering how many initial attractions - not love, but attraction - would qualify as “Love at first sight” if the relationship developed into something very significant…

Duana’s response:  —Birds Do It; Mammals Do It—Let’s Fall In Love—

Dear Kelly,

Yes! Spot-on observation. In social psychology, that’s called rosy retrospection—remembering pleasant events as even better after the fact. It’s common for folks to recall even good-but-stressful things like weddings and vacations as more fun and relaxed than they really were. And I suspect it also applies to falling in love, which can attain a rosy glow of Totally Happy after it’s a done deal, when really, falling in love is scary as hell for a lot of us. 

And I wonder whether there’s something else happening here as well. Are people who are in love now changing the past to think they were in love always? It’s well-established in memory research that our current feelings guide our recall of past events.  For instance, in one study by Holmberg & Holmes, 373 newlywed couples answered a questionnaire about how in love they were; all were extremely happy.  Two years later, some were no longer happy at all; when they were asked how happy they had been as newlyweds, the now-miserable denied they’d ever really been in love.  Only the still-happy couples accurately recalled a happy past. 

So we revise our memories to align with our present emotions, and I think that’s what we’re seeing in some of the Love At First Sight research now.

To wit, in research done in the Netherlands, 43% of the sample claimed to have been in love from Day 1. Yet that seems unlikely. Instead, I think these long- and happily-wed couples are experiencing the feeling captured in the jazz standard It Had To Be You, or encapsulated in this statement from a former client of mine: “I want you to help me find someone so compatible for me that even though I know there are lots of possible matches in the world, once we’re together I think it could only have been him.”

And yet…

It does appear that Love At First Sight, like jealousy and lying and love itself, is a human universal. People report it in every study on the topic, in every nation where it’s been studied so far; and another clue comes from cultural lore. Just as cultures around the globe have stories of the Wicked Stepmother and the Lustful/Cruel Stepfather—and they have real data to match—cultures studied so far also have the story of lovers who fell at first sight.

Anytime a phenomenon appears to exist worldwide, evolutionary thinkers don’t stop at noting it; we want to know *why*. And biological anthropologist Helen Fisher thinks instant love may have come from our animal ancestry. Animals, most of whom have a short courtship, do fall in love—immediately. 

Hedwig, the female Eurasian Eagle Owl at the zoo where my husband works, fell in instant love with a male of her species on a movie set.  Talk about star-struck.  Unfortunately, her beloved was taken away by his entourage after the film.  When Hedwig’s zoo gave her another mate, it was nothing doing.  She had picked the movie star, and only the movie star would do.  Hedwig remains single. 

Of course, most mammals that fall in love right away fall right back out soon after mating.  Only 3% of mammals are monogamous, so mateships last for brief amounts of time depending on the species.  But Fisher notes that love among animals exists nonetheless. 

How this made sense in our ancestral past?  In environments where people were just passing through—when clans or tribes may have met up only briefly—the ability to expand the gene pool through making a quick decision may have been a help. 

Whatever the reasons, though, it appears love at first sight is a real deal. How common is it?  Well, Fisher thinks it happens to about 20% of people. That still seems a bit high to me. But it happens. Love is all around.

Thanks for a great question and your note.

From Louise: —Once Bitten, Twice Shy—

Dear Dr. Duana,

Well, I’ve certainly experienced the liar and the real deal, and fortunately for me, married the latter of the two…the one who had to prove to me over many months that he was real because of my experience with the former!

You would have thought that I’d recognize the following phrase, “My heart languishes for you”, as a big fat LIE, but NO! I so wanted his heart to languish for me that I foolishly believed that poor thing. His heart was also languishing for several others at the same time, one of which was my friend!

Enter my hero, who shared his love for me after only a couple of months. He waited and waited some more, ever so patiently until I was sure I loved him too. We’ve been married for fourteen years now, and I am one lucky lady.

No one should be rushed into something they’re not sure of. Listen to your inner self…it will let you know when something is right or not.

Keep up the great work, Dr. Duana!

Duana’s response:

Dear Louise,

Well-said! I’m glad you found true love after the lies.

And isn’t it funny, really, that we have a phrase, “true love”? It implies the false coin was there all the time…as with guys who feed several women the same line and have ‘relationships’ with each.

Evolutionary psychologist David Buss calls lies the “snakes in the garden of love.” He has identified and described many of the lies men tell, and the different set told by women. 

And how do we tell lies from truth? Women’s #1 strategy is the one you yourself used the second time around: lengthening the period of courtship and waiting for the Other to prove himself in one direction or the other.

Congratulations on your long and happy marriage, and thank you for sharing your story.

From Mocha’s Mom:  —What’s The Right Timeframe To Wait Before Trusting Someone?—

You mean there are people who lie to get what they want? No way! ;)

My marriage is the result of love at first sight (on my part, anyway), but we’d both been burned before. We also knew each other for years before any dating started (due to other relationships).

The thing is, how do you know you’ve taken enough time to suss out the other person? If *you* have fallen at first sight, it’s tough to wait it out. It would be helpful, I think, to have a bit of a timetable. If you just have to wait "long enough" that could lead to some bad moves, e.g. spending as much time with him as possible immediately so that you can count the hours logged as \\\"getting to know him."

Basically, how does a gal (or guy) figure out how long to wait to respond in kind and/or in bed?

Oh, and FWIW, if a guy tells you that you make him want to be a better person, run for the hills!

Duana’s response: —Intuition + Experience = Your Own Personal Timetable for Trust—

Dear MM,

“You make me want to be a better man” = great movie line, horrid real-life line. If he’s not already a better man, he’s unlikely to become one for someone else, at least not for long.

And speaking of long brings us to your question: What’s the timeframe for Trust?  For letting down one’s guard? 

I can understand why you’d want one, but as far as I know, such a set timetable does not exist.  I’ve known people who fell in love on a Friday and were married two weeks later. Vic loved me at first sight, and we wed a whole four-and-a-half months after. You fell in love at first sight, but by the time you were both free, you really did know one another’s characters.

No, it’s not time per se that’s the important variable; it’s experience and intuition.

There’s a lot to be said for intuition, which is evolutionary psychology’s way of protecting us from liars/players/abusers/rapscallions rather than lovers. What made me think “Virginia’s” guy could be lying wasn’t just that a lot of men admit they’ve used lines to get into drawers—but that Virginia herself feels so hesitant about “Mick’s” sincerity. 

That hesitation is her gut speaking, and ignoring that right-brain input would be foolish and dangerous. She needs to slow things down, Watch, and Wait to see what daily evidence will bring her way.  Most animals, lacking the well-developed frontal lobes humans possess, heed their fear; fear is an evolved mechanism to protect them and to help them predict which dangers might come their way, as Temple Grandin points out.  And while huge frontal lobes can be a great help to humans, they can also be a burden, as when we overthink and overrule what our fear tells us. 

My guess is that your experience with your man before you got together, plus your feelings once you were with him, plus what he was like when you toppled, all equated Mr. Trustworthy Guy. When everything lines up, why wait?

But when intuition speaks out against…heed it. For as long as it takes.  Rationalizing away gut-level fear is foolhardy. 

I’ve written another article about intuition and how it protects us from abusive relationships, and here it is: 
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/ignorance-or-ignore-ance-how-to-prevent-abuse.html

Thanks for your letter, and kudos on your happy union!

Cheers, Duana

Do you have a question for Duana?  Write to her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com.

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012. 

Related LoveScience articles:

The article this one is based off, dealing with Love At First Sight and also Lies At First Sight: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/love-at-first-sight-or-the-truth-about-lies.html

Intuition and how it can protect us if only we listen: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/ignorance-or-ignore-ance-how-to-prevent-abuse.html

How long women should Wait before having sex with a new partner: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/waiting-for-sex-for-how-long.html

Other articles about evolutionary psychology are listed at this link; it’s recommended to read from the last (oldest) articles to the first:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/evolutionary-psychology

The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:

Dick P. H. Barelds and Pieternel Barelds-Dijkstra, for their article“Love at first sight or friends first?”  Wherein they found that although those who fell quickly tended to be less matched on personality than couples who began as friends, the love-at-first-sight group was nonetheless happy.  43% of the couples in their research had fallen in love at first sight.  

Helen Fisher, who reports that 20% of people have fallen in love at first sight and married that person. 

Angel Brantley, David Knox, and Marty E. Zusman, for researchon who says I Love You first, and why~including data showing that many men lie about love to get sex, and that men tend to reveal love first.  They also found that as we age, men and women alike become more likely to reveal love quickly. 

David Buss, for his chapter “The Evolution Of Love” in The New Psychology Of Love (edited collection by Robert J. Sternberg and Karen Weis), wherein Buss reveals his and others’ research showing that men admit to exaggerating the depths of their feelings in order to plumb the depths of women’s loins.  Of course, women have evolved counter-strategies, tactics to protect themselves from love-hers-and-leave-hers: Women usually try to lengthen the courtship period before granting sexual access.  

David Buss again, for his textbook on Evolutionary Psychology, which discusses how women assess commitment in a man.

The author has no scientific reason whatsoever to thank the makers of the movie The Invention Of Lying, other than to say she loved it for showing what the world would be like without lying—and how the first person to “say something that wasn’t” would have a huge advantage over others.