Q&A from “Dealing With Your Difficult Man”
Wise Readers, The Men have spoken about being criticized, complained to, negotiated with, and more. And The Women have added a few words as well. Read on!
From Quinn: —The Man Does Change, But Not Positively—
This was great! I don’t think I have looked at complaints from a woman as a welcomed behavior but I do feel feedback, no matter positive or negative is better than none. I love the analogy of the bank. Problem is, I am not so sure women’s DNA is to deposit more than they intend to withdraw. (So many ironies but I digress.) I think compliments have to be married to complaints in order to have a welcoming acceptance of complaints. But too often the good things are expected and therefore rarely acknowledged until they are not done. Which in results in complaints about it. And that sends a man into an “I can’t win” attitude to conclude it’s futile to even try knowing its thankless or hopeless. In essence, the man does change…just not positively.
Duana’s response:
Quinn— Love your point about how in fact, we are changing the relationship all the time…for better, or for worse. Thanks for bringing up a vital point.
From Greg: —Gottman’s Book Is A Win—
Once again your advice is right on the mark! Us “strong men” may be able to take a lot of Shi$ at work and life, but it’s the little digs and complaints at home that can really bring us down (like termites slowly eating away the supports of a home).
My wife and I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and that really helped us “be a team” and stop being termites.
Keep the great articles coming.
Duana’s response:
Greg— congrats on becoming love’s bankers instead of termites (made me laugh). Gottman’s book is fantastic, isn’t it? Happy it helped you and your wife so much.
From Kelly Kretzer (A Guy): —An Observation—
They say that a man can be a fool and not know it…unless he’s married.
From Gabriel: —Life Is A Negotiation, Complaint Gets You There—
It even hurts when I criticize myself! OUCH! Self-inflicted criticism is the worst. When I read this article I thought about how I readily accept criticism from reputable sources with accurate observances. It hurts at first then I think about it and learn how to possibly correct when may be perceived as something inappropriate or just plain wrong. Most of the time it’s just a misunderstanding. I do agree about the use of constructive and positive complaining. It would lead to that age-old, tried and true activity called negotiation. Well that’s what I kinda get from this.
Life in general has taught me that we are involved in negotiation with people all the time. Whether it’s at a PTA meeting or planning a get together with good friends or meeting with coworkers to get something out the door. Complaints are just a good way of starting the negotiation between man and woman, hubby and wife, BF and GF, etc… As long as everyone is sincere, communication starts and hopefully the two parties find that middle ground where all is acceptable. I don’t speak for all men but it does seem that we men are always engaged in negotiation even with our good buds. Usually it’s the lack of time for our responsibilities but even with free time, that free time must be given up for something, not for just wasting time. Good game of golf, drinking loads of beer, free food, LOL. I am personally not that way and consider talking about anything a good pastime. It’s a superficial example I brought up but it could be the same with women. Gotta offer something that will entice even if it’s an ego boost. hahaha. And speaking of offering, here’s a quote from someone that a good friend(My Dear Old SLAW) sent me in email…
Quote of the day: Behold the Woman
“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.”
Duana’s response:
Kelly and Gabriel, If I had been drinking anything when I read the punch lines, I would have been wearing it!
Gabriel, your observations are spot-on re: negotiations. Dr. Shelley Taylor found that men live in hierarchy and women live in connection; Gottman found that only about 1/3 of husbands—even today—are willing to be open to their mate’s influence (perhaps because of the hierarchy they’ve learned?). That 1/3 tends to be very happy and long-wed, however.
Women naturally accept their mate’s influence, according to Gottman—but if they hope to be influential themselves and break through that hierarchical thinking a male mate has, they’ve got to broach issues gently so their mate can hear it without “flooding” and stonewalling.
From George: —Letting Us Think It’s Our Idea Doesn’t Hurt—
This information is pretty accurate. I’ve often told my wife that it is in how she asks, not the fact that she is asking. I do much better at getting around to things when it is asked, or pleaded in a nice manner. One other thing that men like is to feel like it was our idea or at least that it was done in our time. Many times I has been planning to do something but, when she brings it up, I tend to put it off. I’m not saying that this is right but it is something that I’m guilty of.
Things that work for me are “Honey, do you know a good way to do this?” “I’m having a hard time figuring it out.” Sometimes the “would you like to do something nice for me?” works.
Duana’s response:
George, thanks for the reminder… It’s hard to know how to do things such that our men think it was their idea, but we’ve all heard that’s how it’s done (not aware of any science on that). Thank you for your tips on making it seem like the guy’s idea, without being manipulative or offensive.
From Candi: —If A Guy Has Gotten Used To Hearing Criticisms, Even Complaints Can Come Across That Way—
Great article, Duana! Sometimes a complaint is still seen as a criticism but that has plenty to do with the person hearing it. When you are used to hearing criticism, anything that sounds “negative” can be taken as a destructive critique instead of a constructive observation. How to get past that barrier that divides two people can be really tricky. It’s so easy for a man and woman to get into the habit of being on the defensive/attack. Turning that cycle around is well worth all the effort a couple can pour into it.
Duana’s response:
Candi, exactly! You could have a Difficult Man who was taught by his mother, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, sister, etc. to expect that everything is a criticism, and to spontaneously duck-and-cover. And the more entrenched criticism has been in one’s own relationships, the harder it is to avoid criticizing. This may be one reason Gottman’s work shows the absolute necessity of using very gentle complaints… my guess is that the longer the history of criticism, the more gentle the complaints will have to be, and the more persistence in that mode is a must.
From Daniel: —Tell Us Guys You’re Working On Criticizing Less—
Hey Duana. Great article, as usual. I think the contrast of complaints vs. criticism is dead on. Most guys are willing, even eager, to do those concrete things, measurable, verifiable, and repeatable, for the women we love. It’s the more loosely defined, less specific, nebulous things that we have a harder time with: “Be more attentive.” “Listen more.” “Show me you love me.” Give us something specific, that we can look at and say “mission accomplished,” and we’re much more comfortable.
One other thing that deserves mention: When you ladies are going through these steps, identifying when you’re criticizing, or even developing the awareness that you’re criticizing, let us know that you’re aware of it, that you’re working on it. That may (no promises) help to stop our “There she goes again” reactions. If we know you’re working on it, we will be able to notice small improvements that we might not have noticed if we weren’t tipped off in advance. And we will show you that we appreciate those improvements.
Forgot to mention: You cannot change a man, unless he wants to change. But if you give him good reasons, you can easily change his behavior.
Duana’s response:
Spot-on, Daniel. I love your suggestion for women to say, point-blank, that we realize we need to stop criticizing, and that we want you to know we’re working on it.
Interestingly, there is some research showing that partners do manage to change each other over a long stretch of years, but that it’s through complaining about very specific behaviors in the moment (even adoption and twin studies show, though, that it’s highly unlikely we can change temperament or personality much). Unfortunately, my brain tends to hang onto the results of studies without also hanging onto author names—most inconvenient, and something I hope to alter soon ;).
From Mocha’s Mom: —What If The Traits That Attracted You To Someone Are Now Annoying As Heck?—
Something I hear and see a lot of lately:
What about when the traits that attracted you to your man in the first place are the ones that become “difficult?” I’m not talking about traits that are essentially morally bad (like womanizing), but rather regular traits that eventually seem overwhelming.
The strong silent type becomes frustratingly uncommunicative; the discerning taste that was once sooo hot becomes just a case of being fussy, fussy, fussy; the unflappable, always cheerful fellow seems insensitive and flip — I could go on and on.
This isn’t entirely academic: in my social circle there is currently a slo-mo train wreck of this kind that is agonizing to watch.
Duana’s response: —That Awkward Moment When…—
Dear MM, I think what you’re referring to is That Awkward Moment When something that used to seem adorable becomes annoying. Sometimes majorly so.
Fact is, most aspects of any of us are great in some circumstances, and just awful in others. Since it’s true that we mostly don the rose-colored spectacles for dating, but remove them later on, we tend to become aware of the more irritating aspects of any given behavior only as time marches past.
Solutions? Be Happy Anyway—something I wrote about here (http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html), since all couples have numerous unsolvable troubles, but some stay blissed-out nonetheless.
And whip out the rose-colored glasses again. Research shows that nurturing a view of your partner as better than he or she actually is—maybe better than any human is—is a pretty good plan, per happiness. We did it once, during courtship. We can do it again now. It just takes a mental shift away from complaint, and towards the positive things this now-annoying trait also brings.
From Trencherman —How I Got My Boyfriend To Use His Turn Signal Without A Fight—
I agree. My long-term boyfriend never used to use his turn signals when driving. I stroke his leg, kiss his cheek, and say stupid stuff like “you are so sexy when you turn the blinker on)—EVERY TIME he uses the blinker. It’s become a joke between us, but you’d better bet he uses his turn signal now.
Other than that he came to me with no flaws, so he’s just about perfect now.
Duana’s response:
Dear Trencherman, you’re just about perfect to have thought of that. You could give lessons, and not just in driving!
From Mocha’s Mom: —It’s Just A Thing I Do (Another Way To Ask For Change)—
Of course, there’s also the approach of just admitting up front that the way you want to do things is not some awesome truth but just your habit.
For example, I was always re-stacking things or shuffling them around after Mocha’s Dad put them away, and one day while we were folding laundry I said, “This may sound nutty, but I like to put the clean towels on the bottom of the stack every time so that they all get used evenly instead of having a bunch of like-new ones and a bunch of shredded ones. It’s just a thing I do.”
Ever since then, he puts the fresh towels on the bottom of the stack. You can almost never get your way by insisting that your little way of doing things is vital, but at least in my case I find that he’s willing to do a lot of stuff if I just say, “Hey, could you maybe try doing it this way.”
Of course, there are things you just have to let the other person do. He and I have totally different ways of washing dishes, cleaning house, etc, and for a while I wanted him to switch to my way. While I was looking for my chance to change his habits, I noticed that when he did things his way, nothing disastrous happened.
If he washes the dishes, we don’t get horrible diseases that can only be traced to improperly washed dishes. If he cleans the bathroom, no one runs screaming from it in a horrified state.
Once I stopped criticizing his ways of doing things, I found he was super-duper helpful in a lot of areas all on his own. Kewl.
Duana’s response: —You Married A Guy Who Does Dishes & Cleans Bathrooms—
Dear Mocha’s Mom, I often hear from women who are displeased with their guy’s housekeeping; meantime, other women are writing to say that their man does no housekeeping at all. (More on the Guy Must Do Housekeeping thing here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/housework-the-ultimate-aphrodisiac.html.) So I’m delighted you gave the He-Does-Housework-A-Different-Way-From-Mine women the answer they’ve been looking for, or at least the one they need.
Mocha’s Dad is cleaning bathrooms and doing dishes, and you had the good sense to realize and appreciate that you have a guy who cleans bathrooms and does dishes! Mine own sweetheart loves to rearrange the dirty dishes in the machine prior to a wash. Hey, he’s doing stuff—I love it.
All of which is to say, I love the ideas you presented, especially the idea that sometimes, letting go and appreciating what the other person has to offer is highly workable.
From Monica: —Thank You!—
This is remarkable information. It’s amazing to hear how important complaining actually is since women are constantly told that there’s nothing we can do about “the way men are”. I’ve always wondered how one is supposed to effect change when it is so clearly needed, because to just let everything go seems disrespectful to yourself. Thanks for such vital bits of wisdom.
From Louise: —Thank You!—
Dear Dr. Duana,
First of all, let me say that I LOVE the way you write—such a marvelous combination of common sense based on research along with your great wit! You really hit a home run with the contrasting of complaints with criticism—thank you! Oops! Gotta go and put some more $ in the BANK!
Louise
Duana’s response:
LOL, Louise! Thank you and Monica both. Knowing this information is making a difference makes all the obsessing over phrasing worthwhile :).
I toyed with putting the $$ Love Bank first—because adding positives is really the fastest route to happiness.
But Monica, the point you just made kept nagging at me (pun intended)—how are we supposed to change men if we can’t criticize?!? Learning that criticism never helps was a huge surprise to me. “What! Never?! Aaaaargh!”
Learning that complaining gets the job done was equally revelatory. As was finding out that we actually have to complain—couples who let it all slide aren’t as happy as those who won’t brook disrespect, etc., and who say so immediately.
I have had to read and read and re-read and try and apply this information in my own life, and Oh, What A Difference It Makes. As a mostly-reformed Criticizer In Recovery, I can say Gottman’s research has made such a positive impact in our home.
May it do likewise for you!
From Joan N.: —Thank You!—
I love this article! I sensed that criticism was bad, so I avoided it sometimes to the point of not saying anything at all. But ignoring my needs didn’t work because they’d get bottled up inside.
Then one fine day without warning, one small thing would set me off in a barrage of criticism on my poor husband, which was way out of proportion to his “crime” (Can’t you get your trash off the counter - we DO have a trashcan - want me to show you how to use it??? And another thing, you never…) Much better to gently complain immediately (now that I know how - thank you, Duana) instead of letting annoyances fester in the name of Keeping The Peace.
Fortunately, both of us are good about making emotional deposits in the Bank of Love, which has completely saved us over the long haul. I agree and have seen first-hand how one sharp criticism (withdrawal) can wipe out a whole pile of deposits.
Thank you x 1million for this article - I will be applying it in my home, and forwarding it to others, as well :-) I believe that I have a good marriage, but the “relationship mechanic” in me is always looking for ways to strengthen it - and this advice is a winner.
Duana’s response:
Wow! Thank you, Joan. I was particularly struck with your comment that it’s “Much better to gently complain immediately (now that I know how…) instead of letting annoyances fester in the name of Keeping The Peace.”—Gottman’s most recent book is a series of case studies where couples are worked with in-depth to help them return to happiness. Repeatedly, it contains situations where the wife just won’t complain, and the emotional spark of the relationship is dying as a result. I still love “7 Principles” the best of all his books—it’s everything in one spot—but the examples really brought home to me just how vital complaining is.
From Carmen Gaines: —He Was Good Enough Then (& Still Is Now)—
This one was very, very good. Oh, the importance of “I” messages!!! And I liked your differentiation between Changing A Man (we cannot change anyone, of course, we do not have that power) and Altering A Relationship. Excellent. My thoughts are, I fell in love with him, why on earth would I want to Change him? What HAS changed is our manner of relating to one another, as we are. Which is the point of your article. Thanks for alerting me to it!
From DeeDee B. –Thank You!—
Duana, i LOVE this website! Every article that i’ve read has advice that is FANTASTIC, experienced, and so well researched. I intend to share it with many girlfriends! Thank you thank you thank you for this free site to help us improve our relationships with the Martians. ;) Very very needed!
Duana’s response:
Carmen, I love this bit from you: “I fell in love with him, why on earth would I want to Change him? What HAS changed is our manner of relating to one another, as we are.” Acceptance (as opposed to grit-your-teeth tolerance) goes a long way towards happiness.
Thanks to you and DeeDee for the two thumbs up ;).
From Tracey Louis: —Thanks For Humanizing Our Mates—
As always, I thoroughly enjoyed your straightforward, practical advice that is presented in a way that I can identify my relationship with without feeling defensive or threatened. The lessons and reminders to do things like complain, not criticize, are important messages that can be easily forgotten or overlooked in the heated moments of negative patterns between couples. I think what I especially like about your column is that it reminds us where the bad behavior we and our partners do (criticize, stonewall, etc.) really stems from and it humanizes us and our spouse once again as emotional creatures just trying to make the best of situation. So I’ll do my best to begin making more deposits into the Bank of Love again, you made an important point.
Duana’s response:
Tracey, “it humanizes us and our spouse once again as emotional creatures just trying to make the best of situation.” Thank you. Most people, most of the time, are doing the best they can (even if, sometimes, it’s not so great). Your point here is really important, and makes it much easier to do biz at the Bank Of Love.
From Christine J: —Trying My Patience—
I love it :)
I completely agree that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. It can be really hard to be gentle about complaints sometimes b/c some guys just do things that irritate beyond belief, and staying calm & nice feels like a test from God.
I am definitely going to start reading Gottman’s book once I’m done with classes, it looks like a great read!
From J.D.: —Banking at Love & Trust—
Excellent article, Duana! I think you “hit the nail on the head” when you suggest that we (and women specifically) abandon this long-held notion that we can change one another. It’s gotten to the point where it’s not so bad that we make the attempt but the ways in which we aim at our intended goal (i.e. greater understanding and care) have now started to become increasingly counterproductive.
“If we Difficult Women never criticize, how are we supposed to do our job of Dealing With (you know—changing!) our Difficult Men?”
I think the problem, as you insinuate without ever plainly saying, is in the question itself. Implicit in her notion of communication is the belief that she can badger this man into submission with criticism and judgement, when in reality the only thing she’s probably doing is further exacerbating the divide between them.
I particularly love the balance that you suggest by asking that we think of our relationships as bank accounts. If we make emotional and/or psychological “withdrawals” on our relationships (whether they come in the form of criticisms or asking for extra care) it’s vital that we periodically make deposits, as well, if only to replenish the reservoir of love that binds the couple together.
Because once that bad boy runs dry, growing resentment, as Gottman and others have clearly pointed out through their research, will almost certainly lead to the dissolution of their relationship.
Great advice! Women (and men) should seriously count themselves lucky to have someone like you.
Duana’s response:
J.D., thank you for the insightful comments. Gottman has a master’s degree in mathematics from MIT in addition to his doctorate in clinical psychology, and he’s used his genius to quantify many aspects of love relationships that were formerly considered too slippery for precision. By observing hundreds of couples in longitudinal (across time) studies, he’s found that deposits at the Bank O’ Love must dramatically exceed withdrawals—by 5 to 1 just to survive, and by 20 to 1 for genuine happiness. Just adding positives—without changing anything else—will dramatically improve/change the relationship with anyone who is not willfully cruel or abusive.
Thank you all for your enthusiastic support of this article and of LoveScience.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.
The Dealing With Your Difficult Man article these comments came from is here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man-1.html
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link:
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his bookThe 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
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