Q&A for "Absence & Illness: Making the heart grow fonder?"
Wise Readers,
This time of year is hard for many people as we recall those past, present and no longer present and compare those realities against the ideal of the holiday season. This is the first time Love Science has posted these comments from the article “Absence & Illness: Making the heart grow fonder?” I hope you find it healing, and I’ll return next week.
Cheers,
Duana
Reader Comments (31)
From Monica:
Amazing stuff!
Let me ask you a question…
When are you supposed to mention this kind of thing about yourself? It seems like this is exactly the sort of thing that we get bound up in because you don’t want to lead a potential relationship (love or even friendship) with the “news”, but when you do eventually reveal your predicament the other person often accuses you of having lied to him or her. At some point, as the receiver of such news, I might feel as though it were some sort of “ultimate test” of my affection. In practice there’s really nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but to be tested in such a way would feel like an implied ultimatum.
From Gigi:
Duana, your writing is such a joy to read., although this subject really tore at my heart.
It seems so unfair, not only to be worrying about your disease but if you will ever find the big LOVE.
Gigi
From Judy:
Duana, this article really touched me. Good job.
Duana’s response:
Thank you all. This post is about my dearest friend—everything in it happened. Over the years, questions from many people have encouraged me to finally write it down.
Monica, per your excellent question—when do we reveal such personal information—I don’t know of a scientific answer. Will have to do a lit search to see if anything of that nature has been researched—perhaps with revealing HIV or sth of that nature. There will need to be a separate article devoted to the When of difficult information, because you’re right—put forth too soon, it can scare people away, and left too late, it can feel as if a lie of omission has occurred. I know in my friend’s case, it was something she brought up early, but in a casual way (that sounds impossible, yet is not).
My opinion is that the timing of hard personal revelations must be left to the discretion of the person who has the hard story to tell. It boils down to trust and one’s own personal need to feel defended against heartache. On the trust side, some might want to wait until several dates have gone well before revealing anything; a lot of times, the relationship will fizzle before that, saving the ill person from becoming too deeply vulnerable to a person who wouldn’t wind up mattering too much anyway. Of course, some information is time-sensitive, such as revealing an STI; in that case, waiting for a while to have sex, and making sure to have the Difficult Discussion before Going There, would be a reasonable compromise.
Yet on the personal defense side, I can readily understand anyone who wishes to state their issue up-front, so the other party can cut-and-run before a lot of emotion is at stake on either side. That was Laurel’s strategy. There were certainly men who were not interested. The right one, however, never wavered. It has been my observation since that time that many people I’ve known who have chronic illnesses chose that strategy, and wound up very happily committed to an enthusiastic, unambivalent partner.
From Grace:
Thank you for writing this. It’s no coincidence that I found this link today.
We buried a wonderful friend yesterday, who died from cancer. She was absolutely loved and adored to the very end by her boyfriend who lived thousands of miles away. Even though they could not get together for many reasons, they never lost touch with each other, and loved each other unconditionally for several years.
Duana’s response:
Bless you and your friends, Grace. I’m very sorry for your loss of your dear friend.
From Jonathan:
I feel empathy for you. I suggest you don’t focus on finding soul mate instead of enjoying your own life. Feel happy with your self, don’t look for happiness from another party.
From Andrew Lopez:
This is really great. There is always someone who has had family including myself who has or had cancer. Looks like you will touch many with this one. This article was like a book I read called The Shack, in which it opens many windows and lets many see what we take for granted. You have talent! A gift! Thank you.
From Mannie Magid:
Premature illness of one’s spouse comes not as a trial of weakness or strength but as the acid test of both love and character. Too often do caregivers fester in resentment. Too often do icons of society abandon a spouse, run, and rationalize. And too often is this hardship flavored with infidelity, leaving the injured spouse in an abyss of helplessness. And yet this very hardship could bring unforeseen emotional fulfillment to both partners in a relationship. When the dust settles, what happens to the victims left to suffer, and to the burdened spouses who either walk away or remain? For these predicaments as for so many other profound problems, debates continue by water coolers at work, around the table in our homes, through our heroes in the media, and of course between the pages of cozy novels.
Duana’s response:
Thank you for the thoughtful responses.
@Mannie, I appreciate your perspective; years ago, I interviewed a man who had lost his vision in his 40’s. He revealed that it was very common for women to remain with husbands whose sight had been lost, but that the norm was for men to leave their now-blinded wives. Of course, that’s based on just one interview, but it made me wonder what happens when calamity occurs after the commitment is made. I will have to look into that more.
I think a difference between the situation you poignantly describe, and the one in this article, is that the barrier in the article exists at the time the two people meet—it is just always part of them and their experience. When the barrier crops up later on, it could be seen by some as an “I didn’t sign on for this” scenario. These may be the same couples who entered into marriage for convenience, and are no longer interested once it’s no longer convenient. When the barrier exists from Day 1, those folks are eliminated from consideration. As my friend used to say, cancer could bring some strange gifts, even though of course nobody ever wants to have cancer.
From Virginia:
Great article Dr. Welch.
And, Jonathan, I don’t believe there was suggestion that one was in search of a soulmate for happiness; but yet the question of when a person enters your life, how you find out just how special that person really is when or after you tell them of your illness. This can be applied throughout anyones’ road through life, with or without an illness. However, a devastating or chronic illness just makes it that much more challenging for an individual to believe that someone will love them unconditionally.
It is heartwarming that a soulmate entered “Laurel’s” life, who complemented it and embraced the time they had together; and, also that she had a friend like you to share it with.
From George:
Boy! This is tough. I feel as though I could love someone regardless of whether or not they were terminal. I could, certainly, love my wife. I can see a diagnosis in the beginning of the relationship even hastening my feelings. I think it would make it even harder for me to leave someone who I was thinking of leaving to begin with.
The one thing that I got out of this article that I needed and had been wondering about was the “absence” versus “out of sight” dilemna. Thanks for providing me with the science. Guess I’ll try to find a happy medium but will try to lean more towards one side than the other.
Duana’s response:
@Virginia, thank you. Laurel was my best friend. I never thought I would cry while writing a science-based article, but went through several hankies on this one. I know she would want the hope she found to be broadcast far and wide to others who might be feeling as isolated and hopeless as she was upon her diagnosis.
@Jonathan, I’d just add that although I used to believe that happiness ought to be attainable without regard for whether or not people are in relationships, a mountain of science has firmly convinced me otherwise. It is our business—a profound business of the core of what it is to be human—to “Only Connect” as EM Forster wrote in “Howard’s End”. It is in relationship that we have the opportunity to heal our wounds and those of our beloved, although of course not everyone takes that opportunity. And without long-term ties of love—not only of friendship—adults and particularly adult men tend to have a 7X or higher risk of all forms of death, including by suicide, accident and disease. We are born for, made for, love. Learning how often takes a lifetime, though.
@George, I thought that was interesting, too, and you raise an important question re: out-of-sight-out-of-mind versus absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder. The difference between social science and folk wisdom is that the latter explains what happened but predicts very little. Only science sifts through all the adages and makes a valid prediction for most of the people most of the time. In general, science shows that absence makes the heart grow fonder from one Friday night to the next. But when couples separate for almost any reason that they’ve chosen, it’s out-of-sight: The vast majority will make the split permanent if they do not intentionally reunite within a year or so. This appears true even if the couples are getting along and are living apart for pragmatic reasons, having had no intention of ending their relationship.
From Tracey Louis:
Wow…a beautiful testimonial to friendship and real love…science and sentiment. I’ve known two people who found amazingly strong love in spite of serious, terminal illness. Perhaps it seems impossible, but it doesn’t have to be.
Duana’s response:
@Tracey—perfectly said.
From Candi:
This article also makes me think of the “stay because of love” versus “stay because of guilt for leaving” situation. I think there is a drastic difference between the commitment that comes from loyalty and the commitment that comes from guilt. I understand that even sticking with someone out of the not-so-noble reasoning can eventual change and morf into sincere and caring reasoning as the person’s character changes within the relationship. But it would be an interesting study to discover how influential guilt is as a sticking factor in a relationship. I imagine that in time it would eventually self implode into an ever increasing resentment that only gets worse with time. (That is, if the individual is unable to make a change in attitude.)
Trials and tribulations bring out the true nature in an individual. It also exposes motivators that just don’t hold up to the test of hardship. Guilt may work for a short time but in the end I believe it should be transformed into something more longstanding in order for it to be effective.
This leaves me to ask a parting question: Should we give the first boyfriend grief for being superficial in his commitment if guilt would have been his strongest motivation for staying? In a way, that might have been more cruel to Laurel, giving the illusion of sincerity but lacking the real substance underneath. Just something to think about.
From Duana:
@Candi— I admire your thoughts, and have been pondering them throughout the day. Regarding the overall question of whether it’s possible to become more attached by behaving as if you are attached—to care more if you become the caregiver—, the answer is yes.
Acting-as-if, or fake-it-til-you-make-it, is a pillar of therapy and, unlike some established therapeutic practices, it very often works. Dozens of experiments show that we often act ourselves into a way of feeling—with our attitudes following our behavior (culture tells us our behavior follows our attitudes; science finds that the reverse is also true).
For instance, as laws allowing no-fault marriage emerged in all 50 states, people divorced more; only after that behavior became common did people come to see divorce as more acceptable and —surprisingly— even those who were not contemplating a divorce came to feel less secure and less happy in their own marriages. And people who don’t believe in adultery soften their views on it after they’ve engaged in cheating. The examples go on and on. Behaviors cause attitudes.
From that perspective, Candi, I think staying from guilt would result in true tender feelings rather than resentments. Again, this would be for most people most of the time—science can’t ever say what will happen for all the people all of the time.
@Candi, as for the excellent question about Laurel’s boyfriend who abandoned her at the hospital— Laurel and I had a problem with the callous manner in which he behaved, but not with the fact that he ended the relationship. Nothing in science would counsel a brand-new boyfriend to stay with a woman for whom he does not feel genuine love and respect, no matter what the reason. Love and respect are absolutely core to marriages in chosen (as opposed to arranged) marriage societies—and entering into such a union without either is dangerous in many senses of the word.
From Grant:
I loved this article. I wouldn’t have guessed the research would have resulted in the conclusions that you described. I appreciate your articles very much. Very informative, personal, helpful and even entertaining.
From Candi:
Thanks for that speedy reply to my query! Although my question was more rhetorical in nature, I do agree with the conclusions you’ve illustrated. As long as one’s attitude “grows up”, so to say, love will have plenty of room to mature and blossom.
Duana’s response:
Thank you, Grant. You made my day.
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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2010
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From Lisa:
Duana,
You really got me with this post … both emotionally and intellectually. Thanks for the thoughtful approach to this difficult subject—I’m sure your friend would have wanted nothing less.
Best,
Lisa