Phishing With The (Inter) Net: Baiting the hook
Dear Duana,
At 38, I’ve got a good job, good looks, and lots to offer. But I get nada when I email men via my Match.com membership. My profile sounds lame even to me, and I’m getting mixed messages from my friends about whether or not to include a photo. How do I create a captivating profile?
Justine
Dear Justine,
Successful fishermen often cast more than one line at a time, and you’ll cast a wider Net by purchasing three-month memberships to two or more of the largest dating sites simultaneously. But if the limits of time or money force you to choose only one, Match.com—with 56% men and 44% women at present—is indeed the best-stocked of the dating Pools.
So, if the Phish aren’t biting at all, you’re right—it’s time to examine your bait and hook. And get recognized for the Catch you are. Here’s how:
1. Get your Man Bait on.
Contrary to stereotypes, men tend to fall in love faster and harder than women—and to fall out of love more slowly. The organ with which they first begin the fall? No, not that. Nope, higher up. Yes—their eyes.
In fact, seeing beauty is literally pleasurable to men , whose neural reward centers light up in response to viewing sexy women . Which answers the age-old question of why men pay good money just to *watch* us—and explains why three-and-a-half times more men than women request a photo in real-life personals.
So you must, must, must post at least one (recent) photo—preferably of you doing something interesting while looking lovely. If you’re not sure which to post, and you’re feeling bold, HotorNot.com can assist, free of charge—just as it has done for 12 *billion* other people. Upload a few pix, and await ratings of your Hotness on the proverbial 1-10 scale from the others who use the site; then, post the most appealing ones at Match.
And position your physical appeal—in photos and text—ahead of your career. For instance, in one online experiment, nearly three times as many men showed an interest in a self-professed great-looking waitress than a super-successful attorney of average physical allure. In your letter, you listed your career success first. But men are going to consider the matter in reverse order, so present yourself accordingly.
2. Cast for Phish that match your equipment.
As countless studies demonstrate, in real-life personals, women typically offer youth and beauty while requesting various markers of willing provision and protection—“financially stable,” “sincere,” “commitment-minded”. Men broadcast the reverse, subtly (or not-so) asking for sexual access to a youthful, beautiful partner, while offering resources.
Translated to your behavior, this ideally means one of two things:
Thing 1: You are gorgeous, so you can filter for greater wealth/status/provision-n-protection from a partner who is possibly a decade or more your senior; or,
Thing 2: You are average in looks, so you are best-off if willing to meet a Match in this and other regards, including income—or even to trade down financially, such that you make more money than he does.
Upshot? If you seek a lifetime with someone who knows he’s lucky to have you, and versa-vice, it’s important to set your line—-aka filters— for Phish whose size matches your bait and tackle. Anything else is shrinking the Pool.
3. Use a unique Hook.
“If you want worthwhile messages in your inbox, the value of being conversation-worthy, as opposed to merely sexy, cannot be overstated.” So says OKCupid, a dating site with the data to back up the statement. This is probably why pictures incorporating interesting activities, pets (but not your kids!) or travel tend to generate more responses than other images.
It’s also why your headline and subsequent text need to Hook your reader with style and substance.
How? First, write your list of Standards; not only will it clarify what you want, it’ll describe you accurately, too. Voila! You’ve got the outline for your best Match and the best Hook.
Next, craft a headline and ad that *uniquely* capture the spirit of whom you seek, and who you are. If you desire humor, don’t say “I want a funny guy”; be humorous. If you value intellect, be intelligent. And if you want to spend leisure time in a particular way, descriptively drop in some specific things you’d like to enjoy together.
For instance, which do you think more compelling? This?
—Sing to tune of Pina Colada Song—
If you like green Mini Coopers
And ideas are your game;
If you’re politically liberal,
And you have a big brain;
If you like making love at 1 p.m.,
When my kid takes a nap;
You’re the man I have looked for;
So let’s cut through the crap…
Or this?
Looking For Love
I’m a SWF, 38, non-smoker/non-drinker with two kids at home, and I’m told I’m smart. I like a man with a sense of humor, a sporty car, and intelligence equal to mine…
And if you put in anything about a beach, moonlit strolls, your ex, or backrubs—the Cliché Phish & Game Wardens will be right over. And the fine will be deservedly steep.
Finally, you can stop initiating messages to men, starting now. Men respond to ads over 11x more often than women do, so if you’re not getting hits on your line, it’s not because they’re too shy. Simply adjust your profile presentation, and then do what fishermen do: Sit back, enjoy what you packed in the cooler, and await your Phish.
Cheers,
Duana
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
Erich Goode, for his empirical research showing that men are far likelier than women to answer online personals ads, and that men judge women’s physical appearance as more important than job status.
Michael W. Wiederman, for analyses of real-life personals ads and the differing preferences of men and women.
Thomas N. Bradbury and Benjamin R. Karney, for their outstanding textbook regarding Intimate Relationships, and the statistics regarding the expansion of matchmaking in modern America.
Helen Fisher, for her work on brain imaging, lust and reward, as partially discussed in her trade book, Why him? Why her? and elsewhere.
Spokespersons for eHarmony.com and Match.com.
OKCupid’s data analyses regarding facts and myths of successful profiles.
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Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2010
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Reader Comments (9)
You're spot on Duana. Men are visual creatures. I recommend that Justine invests in a great profile pic. It's like buying a home...great "curb appeal" captures our attention. Great advice for 21st century daters.
I love it! Is it odd to wish that the internet had been available back when I was dating?
What a strange and wonderful world we live in, where the preditors are actually the prey, The viperfish comes to mind for fishing.
Great blog Doc!
How does having minor-age children affect a woman's chances to remarry?
When and how should the children be mentioned?
Thank you all for the affirming (and amusing) comments.
David, the "curve appeal" thing is key, indeed. I'd like to add that a great profile pic is not the same thing as a glamourous or misleading profile pic; the photo should look like the woman's real everyday best. The but-you-looked-so-much-better-online impression is to be avoided, as visually disappointing a man at the first meeting is almost guaranteed to make it the last meeting.
In fact, I've had clients who placed ads with photos ever-so-slightly *less* ravishing than they really were--so that when they met a man In Real Life, he was blown away by her in-person beauty. The words the in-person meeting should optimally elicit are these: "Wow, you are so much prettier in person."
Hi, Monica,
Your comment reminded me just how far Internet dating has come since its inception as something most people supposed only Losers would do (insert image of scarlet "L" on forehead here). It's now an exciting and accepted way to expand the Pool, as long as it's done carefully to avoid Stalkers/Slashers/The Already-Married/Those Who Smell Wrong.
Please excuse me for using your comment as a jumping-off place to answer a question nobody has yet asked, but here goes:
Why, Duana, do you recommend paying for memberships at Match or Chemistry or eHarmony, when free sites from Craigslist to OKCupid to HotorNot abound?
Well, Monica, since you didn't ask, I'll tell you: It's because most women are seeking a Relationship rather than a fling (for those women who *are* seeking a casual fling, Adult Friend Finder has a ridiculously high number of men ready to oblige; they often post pictures of, um, Members Only). And these women, like others around the world in every dating context, are not seeking a Relationship with just anybody; they want a man who has resources such as education and income, and who is looking for the right woman upon whom to lavish said resources (plus their fine Selves and hearts, of course).
Which --and I'm making an intellectual leap here-- leaves out most of the men on free sites. When nothing is invested economically, there are reasons to suspect that a) the Phish are poor; b) the Phish are commitment-avoidant; and/or c) the Phish are looking to mate ever-so-briefly, and then swim merrily away.
Dear Vincent, Haven't heard from you in a while; nice to have you back. Your comment that "the preditors are actually the prey" is one that crossed my mind, albeit in less elegant wording, as I wrote the article. An old-fashioned phrase from earlier generations comes to mind as well: "He chased her until she caught him."
Hi, Joan, Leave it to you to ask the probing questions. I love it. Here you go:
1. How does having minor-age children affect a woman's chances to remarry?
--Unfortunately, they lessen remarriage odds substantially for women, but not nearly so much for men. Plainly put, kids = costs in the evolved male brain, with notable exceptions here and there. One need only look at rates of child abuse and child murder (SIXTY times greater for kids living with *any* non-bioligically related male) to see that Other Men's Children are not --not--valued or loved the same way that biological children of Parents Together usually are. This is worldwide.
Basically, men assume that women are nurturant; it's a given. And when a trait is a given in nearly the entire population, it ceases to be informative, and is no longer a basis for choosing a mate. Men sometimes are and sometimes aren't nurturant towards children, so we should expect that a man who seems to love his children (or someone else's) will be akin to Catnip For Women.
Moreover, men are looking to invest their resources in the youth and beauty of a woman who can bear their (not a competitor's/former lover's) children. This is largely unconscious, of course; men continue to seek youth and beauty even when they have no intention of having any children, for instance. But the data show that it is usually so, and that most men prefer a woman without children to one with.
So, for instance, studies show that women give the big thumbs-up to men shown interacting with a baby, compared to men who are pictured ignoring a baby. But women's attentiveness or inattentiveness to babies makes no difference in attractiveness ratings from men, and in fact, women are seen as more desirable when *no* children are pictured.
We can file this under the "Life Is Not Fair" category.
2. When and how should the children be mentioned?
I am unaware of any data that specifically address when and how to tell an online prospect about one's kids. And it's a tricky issue, because data about lots of other awkward things (such as being obstreperous, dishonest, or a spendthrift) show that It Matters *when* sensitive information is presented. Present it too soon, and you're eliminating candidates who are worthwhile; present it too late, and they're eliminating you.
So, on the one hand, you don't want to wait so long that it seems like a lie of omission, say, until the dessert course of the third date. On the other hand, you don't want to blurt out, in writing, that you're seeking a new daddy for your babies because their biological father is an addict.
As we can see, though, there's a tremendous amount of middle ground to work with. Basically, research suggests that if you present a lot of desirable things before one or two potential undesirables (and again, a woman's kids sadly fit into this category from most men's standpoint), then the plusses are viewed as outweighing the minuses, and things can move forward.
My clients have dealt with this by posting a fun, alluring profile that does not mention their child(ren) at all (or mentions them only in a really funny way, as with the first ad, above). Then, when the letters start pouring in, they treat the letters and ensuing phone calls like interviews, but with flirting thrown in.
"So, it turns out I have progeny. How do you feel about Other Men's Kids? Could you ever see yourself raising one?" Done in the right way, the interview gets at the serious stuff without making the poor guy feel he's being handed a Life Sentence.
So far--it's worked out well for them. It would be interesting to see, though, if there are studies about this.