Masturbation + Marriage = ?
Dear Duana,
My fiancé and I haven’t had sex with each other, but I *masturbate every day. I’ve always felt guilt about it, and now I’m worried it will ruin my ability to please my future wife. How do I stop? I’m getting married soon…
Albert
Dear Albert,
I’m touched by your concern for your future wife’s sexual happiness, and honored you’d let me lend a hand as you prepare for your nuptials.
Let’s not beat around the bush, though: I can’t help you stop masturbating, since none of the self-love research deals with quitting.
On the other hand, 100% of the science suggests you keep on rubbing, *especially* following your marriage. In fact, you might want to get your fiancé to join you—or at least to double-click her mouse alone.
Why? In a nutshell, it’s time to bone up on your facts:
Masturbation Is Normal
Since 1970, research suggests that 85% of Americans have embraced guilt-free autoeroticism. However, ancient cock-and-bull stories still contribute much ignorance, guilt and worry. And if you’re bent on quitting, devices that bite into any would-be erection are available today just as they were during the Victorian era.
But instead of clamping plastic teeth into your member, may I suggest this? Embrace masturbation as totally, utterly normal. The well-educated, white and/or male masturbate most, but the vast majority of American adults have tried it—and many try, try again. And again. And…well, I think you understand.
Indeed, when 89 of our own Wise Readers answered a self-love survey (please see beneath my signature for results and comparisons with national norms), their responses were fascinating:
—100% of the men and 91% of the women masturbate;
—16% of the men do it at least once per day; and
—men and women masturbate even when they have/had a mate.
Which brings us to the next prong of our discussion:
Masturbation Is Lifelong
Just as Americans were historically (hysterically?) obsessed with keeping Junior from spanking his monkey, today many think masturbation is kid stuff to be renounced upon finding a partner.
In various studies, respondents express worries that they shouldn’t do anything sexual without their partner; that masturbating takes pleasure from the mate; or that rubbing the nub means something’s amiss in the marriage.
Yet masturbation is not something you marriage out of—and may be even more common after marriage than before. And in the landmark research on the topic, those who masturbate most make love the most, too.
Perhaps that’s because…
Masturbation Is Helpful
Far from wrecking partnered ecstasy, masturbation benefits couples in many ways (please see survey responses for more complete list):
—Masturbation smooths the path to sexual compatibility. Not only does masturbation teach each of you what you like—giving you the opportunity for a titillating show-n-tell when you’re as one—it’s also the treatment of choice for the top sexual complaints of men and women.
Help For Her:
“I feel completely positive about masturbation. I think it is even more important in women because many times we have to teach and train ourselves how to have an orgasm rather than just having the ability like most men.” —Woman respondent
Did you know? The #1 female sexual dysfunction is the inability to have an orgasm…because of ignorance! Women have to *learn* to orgasm, and the most effective way is through self-touch. And women who masturbate have more multiple orgasms, too.
As another participant said, “I think because I have been masturbating since puberty, I now have an easy time reaching climax with a partner compared to other women my age….”
Once women learn what pleases them, masturbation remains immensely assistive during couples sex. To be blunt, for most females, it’s what’s on our outside that counts, and the clitoris is inconveniently distant from the vagina. So only 30% of women come through intercourse alone. The rest? Need a helping hand.
Help For You:
Ironically, as your wife worries she’ll never come, you’re likely concerned with the opposite in yourself. Masturbation is the best tool for premature ejaculation.
Teach yourself to delay your orgasm by waiting until just before the point of no return during masturbation, stopping what you’re doing ‘til the feeling subsides, and then resuming your stroke. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (Bonus: When you finally release, your orgasm will be intense, dude.)
Plus, if you masturbate before lovemaking, you won’t peter out during penetration. Men and women alike noted this bonus of male masturbation; as one woman said, “Honestly, if my partner masturbates, then later, we have sex, it makes the sex last longer.”
—Masturbation helps couples remain happy and faithful even when they have chronically different sex drives. It’s almost guaranteed: You and your wife won’t always be in sync. Even if you start out fully compatible, marriage has a way of leading to babies, and babies have a way of leading to Mom’s exhaustion. Or you might be the one going through stress, illness or some other factor that lowers your drive.
Yet many couples learn to live happily even with large, permanent differences of desire by protecting the fidelity and happiness of the marriage with self-love.
In the words of one respondent, “My wife does not have the same level of sex drive. I love her and respect her “limitations” in this area. I would probably rather not masturbate, but when I refrain it strains our relationship because I press for sex more often. So, I handle things on my own until she is ready. I also believe it helps us in the bedroom because I am able to last longer and satisfy her.”
Another said, “My wife’s libido is way lower than mine, and if I want to maintain my sanity and relationship I use masturbation. Monogamy would be unsustainable without it…..”
Or as one woman put it, “My sexual partner is eighteen years older than I am; and his sex drive is not as strong as mine. He knows I do it frequently….It has no effect on the relationship either way because it’s just something that I need for stress relief….masturbation is my key to sanity! Thanks!”
Albert, social scientists have come so far that in two generations, we’ve gone from labeling self-love as deviant to recommending it as a proven sex therapy. You, too, could benefit from changing your beliefs—not your habits. If so, I think you’ll find that self-pleasure brings you and your mate more in-touch as you deepen your compatibility.
And that’s a great wedding present… and future.
Cheers,
Duana
Survey RESULTS for Folk Wisdom: Masturbation
—with sincere thanks to the 89 Wise Readers who contributed their answers and insights
Note that this is not a scientific survey. As with other Love Science Folk Wisdom questionnaires, the sampling was non-random. With few exceptions, the results strongly suggest the survey held the most appeal for those who enjoy and feel good about masturbation, whether or not they are in a relationship.
Here’s what they said:
RESPONDENT GENDER: 64% women, 36% men
RESPONDENT AGE: 17% were ages 18-24; 12% ages 25-34; 50% ages 35-44; 17% ages 45-54; 5% ages 55-64; and 1% were 65 or over.
(Note: Throughout the survey, percentages were rounded to the nearest 10th and may thus total slightly greater or less than 100%.)
RESPONDENT SEXUAL ORIENTATION: 11% self-identified as bisexual, 5% as homosexual, and 84% as heterosexual.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: DO YOU MASTURBATE?
Only 7% of the respondents—all of whom were women (11% of the female total)—said they don’t masturbate now.
14% of all respondents—all of whom were women (21% of the female total)—said they masturbate once a month or less.
26% of all respondents –35% of the women and 9% of the men—said they masturbate once a week or less.
48% of the respondents—33% of the women and 75% of the men—said they masturbate more than once a week but less than once a day.
And 6% of the respondents—all of them men (16% of the male total)—said they masturbate more than once a day.
It’s interesting to cover some of the responses at either end of the spectrum. Of the women who never masturbate, half thought masturbation was dirty, said that they never had masturbated, or that they had done it but felt guilty afterwards. One had masturbated (albeit with guilt) when younger, but found that menopause removed the urge.
Of the men who masturbated at least once daily, all felt positively about it, both in terms of their own masturbation and/or a partner’s. (And no, the daily ‘baters were *not* all the youngest men!)
How do these data compare with scientifically collected national data? In a nutshell, we’re a handier lot than average.
In Edward O. Laumann’s landmark NHSLS Survey (1994), the well-educated, white and male masturbated more than other groups. Specifically, the following percentages were found for those who masturbated once per week or more during the prior year: 28% of white men and 7% of white women; 17% of black men and 11% of black women; and 24% of Hispanic men and 5% of Hispanic women.
Compare that to the 75% of men and 33% of women masturbating “at least once a week but less than every day” in our survey.
Upshot? Even if we assume all Love Science readers are white, well-educated and male—which is false—we’re an unusually in-touch bunch.
And as you can see below, it does not appear to be hurting our relationships.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF YOU HAVE/HAD A PARTNER AND YOU MASTURBATE(D), HOW DOES/DID YOUR PARTNER FEEL ABOUT IT?
The vast majority of our sample either had a partner who accepted their masturbation, regardless of gender; or they hid their masturbation from their partner.
5% of the women and 3% of the men indicated they had never had a partner;
21% of the women and 31% of the men said their partner didn’t know they masturbated;
65% of the women and 63% of the men said their partner was fine with it; and
16% of the women and 3% of the men said their partner was bothered by it.
(One non-masturbating Wise Reader pointed out a bias in the survey: There was no “I’ve never masturbated” or “I don’t masturbate” option in the answers! Guess I tipped my hand…)
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF YOU HAVE/HAD A PARTNER AND YOUR PARTNER MASTURBATES/MASTURBATED, HOW DO/DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
Note that in the question just above, women were more likely than men to hide their own self-pleasuring, perhaps because women perceived that their partners would be more bothered by it.
Interestingly, though, *all* of the survey respondents who were not okay with a partner’s self-pleasuring were female. However, most partners of both sexes had no problem with their sweetie’s self-love:
5% of the women and 3% of the men indicated they had never had a partner;
19% of the women and 25% of the men said they didn’t know whether their partner masturbated;
65% of the women and 72% of the men said they were fine with their partner’s masturbation;
19% of the women and 0% of the men said they were bothered by their partner’s masturbation.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO ADD? For instance: —What are your feelings about masturbation in general? Do you feel guilty, ashamed or threatened by it? Do you feel positively about it? —If you masturbate and you have a sexual partner, why do you masturbate? Does it have anything to do with the quality of your relationship? Is it a release for when your partner does not want sex and you do? Do you think the masturbation helps or hurts the relationship?
This question was optional, and just over half the respondents answered. The vast majority expressed that they feel positively about masturbation; that they do masturbate even if they have a sexual partner; and that as long as the masturbation does not replace the couple’s intimacy, it enhances the quality of the relationship.
Guilt or pleasure?
92% of the women and 97% of the men said they currently feel great about masturbation as long as it is not replacing sex with the partner. 8% of the women and 3% of the men currently feel guilt or disgust regarding masturbation. Several other women used to feel bad about it as children or young adults, but as one put it, “I got over that.”
Partnered or single?
100% of the men and just over 90% of the women masturbate(d) regardless of their relationship status.
9% of the women and 3% of the men were ambivalent about masturbation. For instance, two women were simultaneously turned on and disgusted when their men viewed porn during masturbation. Other respondents spoke in firm favor, but qualified it with the stricture that it would make them jealous and hurt if their partner masturbated *instead of* and in preference to making love with and communicating with them. Otherwise, the attitudes expressed by almost all others were unreservedly in favor of the practice while in relationship.
Why masturbate when you’ve already got a partner?
Masturbation has many research-validated benefits, and Wise Readers listed nearly every one. Some of the benefits men and women respondents named were:
—Masturbation lets a partner experience release or stress relief when the other isn’t in the mood or is geographically unavailable, ill, etc.
—Masturbation keeps the partner faithful and/or levels out differences in sex drives between partners.
—Masturbation prevents sexual frustration for the more sexually motivated partner, and keeps the less sexually motivated partner from feeling harassed.
—Masturbation helps couples remain happy with their relationship even when they have very different needs for sexual frequency.
—Masturbation is quick and easy when one person wants a guaranteed release.
—Masturbation is a valuable learning tool for what works for the couple apart and together.
—Masturbation helps women learn to orgasm, and leads to more and multiple orgasms.
—Masturbation during intercourse or during a couple’s sexual interactions helps women experience orgasm.
—Masturbation helps men learn to delay ejaculation.
—Masturbation helps men to treat erectile dysfunction.
—Masturbation enhances the sex drive for some people, helping them to be more attuned to wanting sex when the partner wants it (men and women both said this was true of women).
—Masturbation acts as a relaxation and sleep aid.
—Masturbation adds variety and spice to the couple’s sex life when they practice together.
—Masturbation prevents sleeping around for single people, because they don’t depend on anyone else for an orgasm (this was mentioned only by women).
—Masturbation can reduce or eliminate menstrual cramps (as can sexual intercourse).
Select quotes from our Wise Readers (No, this isn’t all they wrote!):
Man’s response: “….I only masturbate to completion when I won’t be seeing my gf for a few days. I masturbate, but not to completion, every day….. Being open about it improves the quality of the relationship through honest and open dialogue. Masturbation can improve performance and it can take the edge off of particularly stressful days when a significant other is not around or neither of you have the time for “mutual sex”. In my experience, It only seems to hurt a relationship when a significant other was brought up in a strict religious upbringing.”
Man’s response: “The thought of my partner getting turned on specifically how she wanted to is arousing.”
Man’s response: “I was fine with it until she lost interest in sex with me. Then, her masturbating in front of me seemed hostile.”
Man’s response: “… as long as it is not a substitute for ME, I am fine with it. Keeps the batteries charged.”
Woman’s response: “My boyfriend thinks that I think of other guys when I masturbate. He is wrong. I don’t think of anyone or anything really.”
Woman’s response: “For me, the more sexually active I am, the more I want. Masturbation helps keep my libido up.”
Woman’s response: “[My husband] thinks he’s not doing his job if I “need” to do it.”
Woman’s response: “…his physician recommended it as a cure for erectile dysfunction.”
Woman’s response: “I think because I have been masturbating since puberty, I now have an easy time reaching climax with a partner compared to other women my age. …. We definitely like spicing things up occasionally and watching each other masturbate rather than having sex.”
Woman’s response: “Me and him both have problems getting off during sex so he doesn’t mind if i use toys or my own hands to get myself off only during sex. Although he has asked me to please not masturbate when he is not around.”
Woman’s response: “My boyfriend was actually very excited to learn that I masturbate because I am a virgin….and he had been worried about our ability to “get it on” later. I assured him that this would not be a problem….”
Woman’s response: “Being a female, I find that I need a bit more ‘stimulation’ to make it happen or definitely speed it up. I guess he feels the vibrator is competition, or that I shouldn’t ‘need’ any tools to help, that he should be sufficient. I guess this is a bruise to his ego, even though I’ve told him it is what my body needs….Most times masturbation leads to an orgasm or two on my time table and a sense of calm and well-being…..maybe one day my mind will relax, and he will relax his views on ‘external help’ and mutual masturbation-which I think would be a serious turn on-at least for me!”
Woman’s response: “Honestly, if my partner masturbates, then later, we have sex, it makes the sex last longer.”
Woman’s response: “I dislike him masturbating to porn. I love it when I know he’s masturbating to naked pictures of ME but I don’t want him looking at other women &/or thinking about other women when he comes.”
Man’s response: “My wife’s libido is way lower than mine, and if I want to maintain my sanity and relationship I use masturbation. Monogamy would be unsustainable without it….. As a Catholic, it is a serious and constant struggle to follow the teachings while dealing with the physiological drives.”
Man’s response: “I masturbate because I have a stronger sexual desire than my wife. I believe by me masturbating it takes some of the burden off of my wife who does not look for sex that often and it keeps me from looking for sex in other places (if you know what I mean!!).”
Man’s response: “First off i think masturbation is a healthy and normal thing to do. It is also very helpful when in a relationship to see how your partner touches themselves while they masturbate. I am neither guilty, ashamed or threatened by it. Show me someone who doesn’t masturbate and I will show you someone who is dead.”
Man’s response: “good way to reduce stress and premature ejaculation and can be a exciting way to turn on your partner if either you tell them that you did it while thinking of them or if they are watching the act….No it does not have to do with the quality of the relationship, some people have a higher need “to get off” than others.”
Man’s response: “My wife does not have the same level of sex drive. I love her and respect her “limitations” in this area. I would probably rather not masturbate, but when I refrain it strains our relationship because I press for sex more often. So, I handle things on my own until she is ready. I also believe it helps us in the bedroom because I am able to last longer and satisfy her.”
Man’s response: “At times I do it because my wife and I have such busy schedules and unmatched sleep schedules. But then it starts to become a habit of convenience and I feel I need to resist it and make an effort to get back to being with her.”
Man’s response: “ I find that sex with another person satisfies me for days afterward, where self-pleasuring seems to encourage more self-pleasuring to a point.”
Man’s response: “Even when you’re with a partner it’s necessary. They aren’t going to want the same satisfaction at the same time as you in perpetuity, so it’s better to satisfy yourself than be frustrated. Plus on those lonely nights, it definitely helps me fall asleep.”
Woman’s response: “Masturbation is not relevant to my relationship with my partner. It gives me a different type of physical pleasure but it doesn’t substitute sex.”
Woman’s response: “Masturbation is in my opinion part of being a healthy individual. I don’t have a problem doing it or admitting to it. Nor do I have a problem with my partner doing it. I get very hormonal and sexual at certain times in my monthly cycle and my husband sometimes has a problem keeping up with me! So it’s usually then that I ‘sort myself out’. Equally at other times in my cycle I’m just too tired or not in the mood, so he will feel the need. Most of the time though, we have a fantastic sex life, we’re both very open minded, love sex and fantasies and are a great match sexually so there isn’t a great need to satisfy ourselves in that way, but if there is then there’s never an issue for either of us.”
Woman’s response: “Given that we have a decidedly disparate desire for sex, I think it helps our relationship. It would probably hurt it if my husband were threatened by it, in any way. Luckily he’s not! As often as not, he is included in some way (either telling him about it later, him asking me what I like to do, fantasies about it that we share, or mutual experiences during lovemaking.) It’s just one small part of our overall sexual relationship, so I guess maybe that’s key.”
Woman’s response: “It helps me, consequently it helps the relationship.”
Woman’s response: “My parents always let me know it was normal, so I never had any “shame” feelings about it. I’m grateful to them for that. — I do it when I’m in the mood and am by myself. It just seems like a “self-maintenance” kind of thing. It doesn’t have any correlation with the health of my relationship. However when we both in a sexual mood, we focus on each other. I’d be disappointed if he didn’t come to me first.”
Woman’s response: “I think masturbation is the best way for a woman to learn about her body. It is liberating to know that “you can do this”, and it is obviously a great way to discover what pleases you.”
Woman’s response: “I think that a lil masturbation is ok, and possibly even in front of each other. When you would rather masturbate instead of have sex then that is where the problem comes into play.”
Woman’s response: “I like my partner but sometimes I’m not in the mood for all the hoopla. Of, I just am waking up, still completely relaxed, and just want to privately enjoy myself my way.”
Woman’s response: “I feel completely positive about masturbation. I think it is even more important in women because many times we have to teach and train ourselves how to have an orgasm rather than just having the ability like most men. Unfortunately, I’ve found many of the people who have problems with masturbation are heterosexual females, and especially the older, religious, or conservative ones. Masturbation has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship in my opinion. One, it spices up and adds variation to your sexual experience. Two, it is relaxing sometimes to only have to care about your own sexual needs and no one else’s. You can do exactly what you want how you want it. Three, it allows you to better figure out what you are into so you can better inform your partner what you like and what you don’t like in bed. Four, it makes you more comfortable and confident with a part of your body you may not interact with normally. Five, hands down, I’ve had the best sex with the partners who masturbate regularly and don’t feel guilty about it. They are comfortable telling me what they like and don’t like and are open to me explaining what I like and don’t like. Six, sometimes stress or other things make someone’s sex drive plummet. It’s nice to be able to take care of yourself while still respecting your partner’s mood. In the final analysis, I believe masturbation helps relationships.”
Woman’s response: “I feel positively about it and recommend other women to try it too. My partner is currently a continent away so masturbation is the only release we have (including masturbation as a component of phone sex). When he was in town, however, self-stimulation was a good way for one of us to get release when the other didn’t want to; we’d ask permission (“Since you’re not in the mood, would you mind if I came by myself?”) and then the non-masturbating partner would become an active viewer/observer/supporter of the one who needed release. That definitely helps the relationship so that one person doesn’t feel rejected when the other person isn’t “up” (pun intended) for sex.”
Woman’s response: “I have always enjoyed it. I don’t even remember when it began but I was probably a baby, very young. I believe it is important for health and well-being. It keeps my body fluids active. It is not a matter of masturbating in lieu of sex but is another dimension to sex.”
Woman’s response: “I feel no shame in masturbation. Quite frankly, I think masturbating is AWESOME. It is a great release at the end of a day when my partner and I are not sharing a bed. I think masturbation is normal and natural. I feel a great deal of sympathy for women who either don’t masturbate because they think it is shameful or lie about their masturbation habits because they are ashamed of finding their own pleasure. Masturbation does not affect my relationship with my partner. I think it helps our relationships. We can talk about what we like in masturbation and keep those things in mind when we have sex.”
Woman’s response: “I think masturbation is very helpful in our relationship as my sex drive is much higher than my partners. We choose not to masturbate when we could have intercourse together instead.”
Woman’s response: “I was taught in our religious home that….masturbation was wrong (the bible says nothing about it)….As an adult, I feel there is nothing wrong with masturbation, it feels like a wonderful release of tension and leaves me with a satisfying sense of well-being and calm. I can just about be guaranteed an orgasm through masturbation with a vibrator, but I also like using it sometimes during sex (if anything it makes me tighter for my man), he doesn’t care for this external addition, but…..hopefully he’ll come around and not see it as competition or a replacement…..society should be more open about masturbation and its role in our sex lives, especially to women, for some reason it seems it is more acceptable for a man to masturbate than it is for a woman to do so. Masturbation is not sinful, dirty, lusty, leads to blindness, leads to sexual dissatisfaction during coitus, leads to dependency, etc. It’s just another dish on the big buffet of sexual relations and encounters. I plan on enjoying it for as long as I can!”
Woman’s response: “I have a partner but he does not fulfill me and we hardly have sex anymore. It’s like we only live together nothing else. Plus I was never really interested in sex too much but he is. So, I know that he masturbates at least once a week if not more often. However, it hurts me that we cannot fulfill our needs and had to turn that way.”
Woman’s response: “There are times when I’m not getting along with my partner but I want to feel good and need the release of an orgasm. Masturbation fulfills this for me. And then there are times when we are getting along great and our sex life is good and I just want a little more. Masturbation fulfills this, too. And then sometimes, I “help” myself while we’re having sex by masturbating and that heightens the experience. And then sometimes I let him do it all…..The times I feel uncomfortable about masturbation for my partner is if I feel he’s replacing me. If he’s choosing not to build real intimacy between us but deciding to take a short cut, I feel threatened….[we need to make sure to maintain our] connection with each other.”
Woman’s response: “I sometimes masturbate to “satisfy the urge” since I am not in a relationship and don’t want to “sleep around”…”
Woman’s response: “My sexual partner is eighteen years older than I am; and his sex drive is not as strong as mine. He knows I do it frequently; and it has no ill effects on our relationship at all. It has no effect on the relationship either way because it’s just something that I need for stress relief….masturbation is my key to sanity! Thanks!”
Woman’s response: “I don’t think it’s right and I do feel ashamed and guilty. But I also miss not having someone to have sex with. Has been over six months and that’s a long time considering how much I love sex. I’d rather play it safe, than to have someone whose history I don’t know about and risk an STD. I guess I will continue to take care of myself until I can find someone who I truly like and trust. Waiting sucks. Lol.”
If this article surprised, enlightened, or made you squirm when the word “penectomy” was presented, please click “share article” below to distribute to your favorite social media.
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com.
Related Love Science articles:
Using Touch To Enhance Partner Sex: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sos-save-our-sexlife-or-do-it-yourself-sex-therapy-when-your.html
Q&A For DIY Sex Therapy: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-save-our-sexlife-diy-sex-therapy-when-your-guy-has-ed.html
Using Masturbation To Lift Female Libido: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/what-to-do-when-shes-not-ever-in-the-mood.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
—Edward O. Laumann and his colleagues on the foremost modern sexuality survey in America, the NHSLS (National Health And Social Life Survey).
—Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for Understanding Human Sexuality . Also Robert Crooks and Karla Baur, for Our Sexuality. Everyone with a body needs a human sexuality textbook; these are my favorites, and provided the starting place for much research in this article.
—Paul Joannides’ The Guide to Getting It On! It’s the most fun you can have with a layman’s how-to.
—John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, for presenting information on how couples use masturbation to even out common sexual-desire differences after the birth of a child, in their book “And Baby Makes Three: Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives ”.
—And if the relief you seek is comic, here’s an article from The Onion to tell what is/isn’t an acceptable masturbation fantasy.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2011.
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Reader Comments (24)
At the moment I reserve there will be many further comments to come (come, let it be noted this is a hard one to reflect on with words). Getting off ;) to a start, I wonder if fiancees should be happier with a future groom who masturbates rather than having a non-sexual male who's out-of-touch with himself and can't perhaps jump into gear bringing a little more rhythm and excitement into the sack if I'm making any sense here? When dating, aren't women supposed to look for men who can dance and are more in control of their equipment - if one of the perks they are looking for IS better coordination?
Oh me, oh my!
Are we just that uptight as a nation? Europe and other countries seem much more relaxed about all this. And from whence came the notion that M. is wrong/dirty/bad/evil/makes you go blind/grow horns, etc.? (I must be American ... I can't even type out all the letters following "M"...)
Did it somehow serve our evolutionary psychology not to M? I can't image how.
On another note: I was a little taken aback when the book I purchased recently for my daughter about growing up, adolescence, etc. (titled "It's Completely Normal") had a little section about M. That section had a picture of a teen-age boy doing M. Oh me, oh my. You should have seen the look on her face. But at least she knows. I didn't figure this out until my early 20's and it was completely by accident.
While I'm fully AGAINST our young girls having early sex with their boyfriends, the hormones do surge, and when I think it through, M does seem to be a reasonable alternative .... because that abstinence thing, well, alot of us have alot of trouble with that. .
Dear Mr. Horrigan,
Thank you for the punny introduction to this Q&A. I was relieved to publish the national and Love Science data, let me tell you. And yes, I agree with your general point:
Masturbation is among the things we probably ought to *value* in a mate, whether we are male or female and regardless of sexual orientation. I had no idea there were so many benefits to autoeroticism before I began researching the answers to Albert's questions. It really does appear that getting into our own rhythm helps us get into someone else's, too.
Dear Gillian,
Write it with me: Masturbation. lol
Yes, Americans are still uptight about the topic. To wit, note the dearth of comments here so far, compared to other titillating entries such as penis size or do-it-yourself sex therapy; I can just about hear the crickets, can't you?
And I'll get into why in just a moment.
But first, let's handle the evolutionary issue. Anytime there's a worldwide behavior that is near-universal --such as masturbation-- the scientific idea is that it's somehow to our advantage.
Far from evolving to avoid masturbation, actually, we evolved to touch ourselves. It may even have a procreative purpose, according to this link a Wise Reader sent me:
http://www.newsweek.com/2010/10/07/why-masturbation-helps-procreation.html?obref=obinsite
Apparently, master-baters, in the animal kingdom, including humans, often have *more* offspring...not less. And their offspring may survive and thrive more...leading the way to more offspring that create babies in their turn.
(Please allow me to pause and reflect on various cultural teachings that seem obsessed with the idea that masturbating will undermine procreation and ruin families. There is *no evidence* that that is true. Quite the contrary.)
Maybe the masturbation = more/better progeny boost occurs because the sperm of self-pleasuring males are less defective and more fleet of tail (the defective or slow ones having been cleansed by masturbation). Maybe masturbation helps procreation by cleaning out any nasty STD's lurking in a guy's reproductive tract.
And perhaps (my thought) since masturbation in men *and women* definitely leads to greater pleasure...it may also help The Bond between two people sustain long enough to raise their kids...resulting in more surviving offspring. After all, there are studies showing that if a couple has great sex, they're likely to be pretty happy *even if their communication is otherwise bad!* And clearly, it's the unhappy couples who part, not the ones who think things are dandy.
Who knows? Nobody for certain...not yet. But I'm sure more science is coming.
Now to your query: Whence and whyfore the masturbation taboo?
Historians and social scientists agree that it began because of religion and a *misunderstanding* of certain religious tomes. In ancient Hebrew writings, Onan was killed by God for "spilling his seed". However, while many Jews and Christians misinterpreted that to mean Onan was slain for masturbating, he actually was killed for refusing to ejaculate into his dead brother's wife; he would have sex with her per God's commandment to provide children for his deceased sibling, but Onan would pull out before coming. The Bible actually is silent on the topic of self-pleasure.
Clearly, the Bible pre-dates the USA by several thousand years. And though you're correct that the anti-masturbatory sentiments here are stronger than those in Europe now, Europe is largely where Americans got the "it's dirty and dangerous" idea.
To wit, from the mid-1700’s, European doc Samuel Tissot publicized his beliefs that “self-abuse” would lead to physical and even moral debilitation in men, because he thought semen was made of blood and that its loss would sap the life force.
This inspired American opinion leaders like Sylvester Graham (yes, of the crackers) and John Harvey Kellogg (yes, of the cornflake) to decide that loss of semen from *any* method (yes, including intercourse) was disabling to men.
[Aside: I agree with Paul Joannides of The Guide To Getting It On that the evidence suggests people masturbated just as much as ever...the only difference was, they felt guiltier. I also agree with The Guide that an appropriate response to Graham and Kellogg might include masturbating while eating corn flakes and/or graham crackers.]
By 1918, a medical encyclopedia reported the following outcomes of masturbation: “The health soon becomes noticeably impaired; there will be general debility…Next come sore eyes, blindness, stupidity, consumption, spinal affliction, emaciation, involuntary seminal emissions, loss of all energy or spirit, insanity and idiocy—the hopeless ruin of both body and mind.” (See Wood & Ruddock, 1918, p. 812; as seen in Crooks & Baur, 2010, p. 231.)
Around this same time, 1913, Drs. Schofield and Vaughan-Jackson wrote in “What A Boy Should Know” that “The effect of self-abuse on a boy’s character always tends to weaken it, and in fact, to make him untrustworthy, unrealiable, untruthful, and probably even dishonest.” (Redundancy, anyone?) (As quoted in Hyde & Delamater, 2010, p. 223.)
Returning to Europe for a moment, let's not ignore Sigmund Freud. He thought masturbation was normal among children--which is correct--, but that it was aberrant and a sign of mental illness in adulthood--which is incorrect.
Ironically, though, the Freudian diagnosis of hysteria was treated with what? Doctors using vibrators to get women off! Vibrators were invented to keep docs' hands from getting tired when whacking off women. No, I'm not capable of making that up. Apparently, Freud thought it was abnormal for women to masturbate...but it was totally okay to pay a doc to do it.
Moving along to modern history, as recently as 1976, the Vatican declared masturbation an “intrinsically and seriously disordered act”—“a perspective maintained in 1993 by Pope John Paul II’s condemnation of masturbation as morally unacceptable. Many fundamentalist Christians share this view” today. (See p. 232 in Crooks & Baur, 2010.)
And as I mentioned in the article, devices are still sold to prevent male masturbation—devices which bite into the penis if it hardens—just as they were in the Victorian era.
Which brings us to the present. Today, much science including Love Science shows that Americans usually feel okay about *doing* masturbation, but not so okay talking about or admitting to doing it. They wonder if maybe they're kind of freaky. To the extent that they have been worried about that, I hope this article and the reader responses to the survey have helped. A lot.
Moving along to the book you bought your child, and the fact it showed a cartoon image of a boy masturbating: Ironically, my own children have that book and I felt ambivalent and a bit jarred by that image, too.
However, I agree with you that self-love is far preferable to sexual intercourse with other people as children grow up. In our house, everyone knows that before high school graduation, the only sex permitted is sex with oneself. (I may or may not have said something along the lines of: "You can have all the sex you want--with yourself, in your room...")
I'm not suggesting that all parents should convey my value system, but as a former LS article showed, it's important for parents to communicate *their* value system and expectations to their children about many kinds of sexual activities. And I encourage parents to consider the many advantages of giving their kids permission to masturbate rather than to know their offspring may be engaging in procreative actions with others.
That brings us to how to assist kids' attitudes...I'm going to take a break now and see if that's something anybody wants to know more about!
Note To A Wise Reader Who Asked Me In The Survey Whether He Is A Freak:
Dear Sir, you wrote to me that "Self bondage, fantasy role in drag became a masturbation staple in my teen years. Sometimes in later years. This seems freaky to admit this to a perfect stranger but it sort of feels good to get it off my chest. Also, I'm not sexually attracted to men. It was like some sort of alien role without faces? Sincerely, Am I Weird Some sort of response addressing the am I weird question or some of the weirdness would be appreciated.”
Here is my answer: Your particular fantasies are a bit out of the mainstream, but the fact that you have fantasies, and that the other people in your fantasies are faceless is normal for guys. Men usually fantasize about many anonymous, faceless partners, and bondage may be unusual but is far from unheard-of as a means of intensifying a masturbatory high.
Although it's not your particular fantasy, a lot of straight men are attracted to the idea of masturbating with other men~being curious about other men's ejaculation, size or technique is not necessarily associated with sexual orientation one way or the other (one has only to view typical male porn to understand that). Neither are fantasies like yours indicative of anything abnormal.
I hope that helped!
Wow. What a touching article!
I can relate to Gillian on the fear of saying, especially discussing, the "M" word. I remember as a young teenager asking my father what it meant. He became a little hostile explaining how bad it is and how it would make me go blind or crazy!!!
Maybe he was right as I need bifocals to see and have been told how loony I am. Maybe I can start using masturbation as my excuse now, if I can get past the idea of verbalizing it.
I want to thank you for making a difficult subject more palatable to accept. Hopefully the fear or embarrassment can stop so people like myself can accept masturbation for themselves and their partner and have more pleasurable life experiences. And maybe, not pass onto our children the false beliefs we had to grow up with!
Mine's long, but let's move on shall we. Funny how there's so many gaffes with this one, I couldn't resist...
Starting out, remember the golden rule about relationships, that like attracts like
and opposites repel. Couples can always stay together that share like-minded minded interests, similar tolerances, and match in their pursuit to remain committed and on the same page or map with one another.
Masterbation is important to sync up with if you truly feel you're with your kindred spirt and you want agree on what it takes to stay together. If a couple is sacredly in love then it wont be a long term issue to embrace the hurdle of what to do about masturbation and find sacredness with this also.
Matching and being aligned is key. This will help the two of you to communicate and and stay on the same wavelength together.
There will be growing-pains* as there always are in the YEARS to develop relationships, but with dignity, respect, and a desire to fill* the relationship with as much pleasure that can be achieved it will resolve itself. I really think this is a transitionally newlywed adjustment to make for the most part, and for long term couples wrestling with this as an issue, I’ll address some concerns for them towards the end of my response.
There can't be two maps - must have one with the same chosen route where both maintain the same direction and reach destinations together.
What matters most is having both partners approach the relationship as honest and strong as they can be to make warm, passionate, spirited, infinity blissful love with each other trusting to share all of what turns each other on safely without fear and withheld secrets. If there is apprehension in ones mind or too much repression then I think it will perpetuate into a bigger interruption than it needs to be. Look more on the inside when adjusting tolerance for this rather than looking to fix something else on the outside.
Be open towards posibility, this doesn't have to be a discouragement, it can actually be an integral part of the pleasure experience in a loving and soulful relationship.
This isn't about being right or wrong in a moral, religious, or ethical manner, it's just about agreeing on how to share unending mutual fulfillment without it becoming a detriment to staying committed.
If this is you’re problem - Can you treat this issue with unending kindness And love? Can you endure this to have an enduring marriage? Can you handle it? If not, what can you manage within yourself to manage a situation that anoys you so much it ends up managing you. This is all about removing a psychic mind barrier of some sort that has you feeling insecure in the midst of intimacy, and it has to be resolved, erradicated, and removed out of the way.
So the great opportunity for growth here is learning to stay in the relationship while adjusting to the principle of comprimise.
What is important, if I’m right, is for each person to find loving approval within themselves for themselves first before trying to manage their lover’s good or bad habits at the cost of jeapordizing her relationship.
Youve got to become skilled at engaging with one another and reengaging over again and this issue can't become a difference of opinion that interrupts the ebb and flow of tides that take you apart and put you back together over time.
Set yourself up in the power position on this because its not going to stop and go away on its own, effectively manage the situation before it manages you.
Don't let this create deception it doesn't need to be blown out of proportion and cause problems. Get in touch inside yourself and with each other on where you stand on the issue on what constitutes too much kinkiness and not enough. The battles that go on inside your head often translate into battles we fight at work and with the one’s we love.
My advice is basic if this is your genuine true love and you want to make it last you have to let go of inhibitions to the point you can tolerate your own migration from selfish preoccupations (in your head with this I’m not good enough routine) to selfless acts of managing the situation in a loving, giving, and nurturing way. If they are worth expanding your window of tolerance for, do it, don't let fear and lack of understanding stand in your way and poison your chances to go the extra mile with each other. Who knows what your adjustment for giving will give back in return. Love bravely and take that love and passion past unreachable heights surprising yourself the higher you elevate.
PT2. (sorry, skip if I'm not your cup of tea)
Final verdict: After thinking over Dr. Welch's suggested advice, I think sharing masturbation intimately can deepen an interpersonal connection in a relationship.
Anytime a relationship Is motivated by fear and anxiety It's sure to be a struggle.
On the other hand, anytime a relationship is motivated by a loving desire to be emotionally effective in staying connected possiblities are endless.Think of true love as the reward in the equation, a true love you must continually earn and achieve through partnered work contributed from each the husband and Wife.
Don't get it twisted into thinking this matter or any other solves itself just because you're automatically in love. No, you're love doesn't come pre-programed with disaster relief default settings like a computerized machine.
I like applying a spiritual concept for love and in a spiritual regard Love is only about giving.
Anything that intrudes upon your ability to give is only about you yourself. Love is about what gets put into the relationship unconditionally and without expectation for what is brought in return. I know there also has to be give and take but honestly it's sometimes a long time to wait before returns are made on a relational investment. Are you in it for the long haul or short duration? Be sure of your answer. Luckily, pleasure and fulfillment come from the act itself of sharing with the person you love. You also experience their happiness as they are receiving it and the same in return when you are the receiver. This is easy said than done that's why getting there takes so much time and devoted effort. Eventually I think it's easy after the first year of marriage and better yet each year thereafter.
Last part: PT3 (IDK what got into me, not much farther I promise)
The secret with masturbation may be assisting them in how they autoerrotisize sexually, and being aware if both partners are deriving their own pleasure by devoting themselves to pleasing and fulfilling the other. Plus are you watching what they do? If they are pleasuring themself in front of you they’re showing exactly where they enjoy the best sensation.
So allow for as much of a level as you can stand with masturbation, with no strings attached and discover what is there to be discovered. Also, your probably going to make different discoveries each time you give into the experience.
Really though, if youre already likeminded soul mates I guess you'll find more similarity and affinity with this eventually as well.
Opening up to that truth might involve pain and turbulence but again if you're both alike deep down eventually similarity will show up in this area in time.
If you are sacredly in love embrace and find sacredness with this also.
Make sure your hearts and souls are focused on helping and sharing; and from a place of dignity and respect; fill the relationship with as much pleasure that can be worked out and achieved.
Another item to concider, maybe your partner does for themselves what they don’t feel they have consent to do to you. Speak up and let your know they are yours and how much their service is appreciated and useful.
Plus are you watching what they do? If they are pleasuring themself in front of you they’re showing exactly where they enjoy the best sensation.
The last issue to address is when a man might form an addiction with masturbation. I think of this as something similar to cheating, and reasons for cheating have to do with escape, or escaping from pain.
Speaking on the males behalf, men need to comfort themselves sometimes when they don't feel appreciated for their abilities in this world. If a man hasn't defined his own terms as a man and hasn't yet risen to the ideals he has set out for to feel a man, then I can see he'd be hurting. Affairs Addictions and distractions are always quick fixes to temporarily alieviate feelings of inadequacy and displacement in not providing for what they enjoy doing with their work and their life's vocation. For longer based couples with males who might be overinduging with their time perhaps mastubating at the computer; I’d say to make sure he hasn't given up hope on fulfilling his goals and make sure he still feels a sense of promise in regards to accomplishing the milestones he wishes to accomplish.
So I think I covered it, all the good, the bad, and the ugly of what I had to say about trasitioning out of a self pleasure/centered mode into a shared coupled way of handling desires and acheiving pleasures together as a team.
Yes! I would like to know more about assisting our kids' attitudes regarding M...a...s...t.. (well, at least I'm trying :-) What is the best way to introduce and discuss this subject with our pre-teens and teens?
At some point in my 1970's childhood, I received the basic talk about "The Birds and The Bees." But it was brief --very brief-- and given purely out of a sense of duty. My mom just blurted out the Tab A, Slot B thing ... nothing else ... and then wasn't open to questions.
So I am at a loss how to approach this with my own pre-teen to complete our discussion. I did not sufficiently preview the book, "It's Perfectly Normal" (which contains the cartoon image of the boy Mmmmm -ing along) so I was surprised, embarrassed, and taken aback when my daughter tore into the box from Amazon.com and dove right into the book. I didn't know how to address the M-thing and was relieved when my daughter simply turned the page.
What does science say about helping our children's attitudes? And if there's no science on it, what does Duana say ...?
Thanks for a great article! I admire your fearlessness in writing about topics that make us ... squirm.
Dear Vincent,
Thank you for writing. Unfortunately, many of us were told either explicitly or implicitly that masturbation is dirty and dangerous. Many of today's guys, for instance, were raised by a dad who had read those Boys' Guides specifying calamity for masturbating boys. That dad may have responded as yours did--passing inaccurate information and hurtful feelings forward because they didn't know better. Or the parents said nothing, but conveyed shame and guilt via actions such as slapping a young child's hand away from his genitals.
Your note reminds me of another one I received yesterday from a woman who wanted to know how to overcome the guilt now that she's an adult. Sexuality is a process of becoming; we can change and grow all our lives in terms of our sexual attitudes just as we can about everything else. By noticing when we're having a guilty thought about masturbation, we can gently redirect our thinking: "Actually, it's a perfectly okay thing to do. I am not hurting anyone by it, and may even be helping my relationship."
And as you expressed, we can also interact with accurate information that helps us change our perspective. I'm glad this article and the survey responses were a good resource for you!
Mr. Horrigan, the double entendres in your posts crack me up :). Thank you for an in-depth response. I'd like to elaborate on some of your ideas here:
1. Transitioning to a healthy couples sexuality takes time
I like your statement that " I really think this is a transitionally newlywed adjustment to make for the most part."
It occurred to me that the advice I gave Albert--to try to change his attitudes rather than his actions--is going to seem overwhelming at first given his heavy guilt about masturbation. Few people would feel perfectly at ease masturbating in front of a new partner, especially if they were relatively sexually inexperienced prior, or had high guilt. I'm hopeful that Albert now has a new window onto some sexual possibilities that can assist him and his wife-to-be, but sexual union is an unfolding that can take many years. Sexuality is a lifelong journey rather than a destination.
So Albert, if you're reading this, it's more than okay to *not* be okay with all this right now...or ever, if it really affronts you. (And if you do want to lay down the burden of guilt, please see my response to Vincent, above).
(continued)
2. "....a man might form an addiction with masturbation. I think of this as something similar to cheating, and reasons for cheating have to do with escape, or escaping from pain."
How much masturbation is too much? This question arose in your comments, and also with a couple of our Wise Survey Respondents. I've even read other advice columns that warned against masturbating too much.
There are two problems with that warning, though: a) I've never yet found a clear definition of what "too much" constitutes; and b) daily masturbation--up to several times a day-- is normal for many guys who manifest no psych disorders and who have good adjustment in their relationships!
So what's too much? I think a useful criterion is whether the man is using masturbation to avoid partnered intimacy or if it's causing dysfunction and distress in his life otherwise.
If a guy flogs the dolphin a couple times every day, but it does not keep him from wanting his partner and it does not interfere with his work, for instance--it's not a problem. But if a man masturbates only once per week yet refuses intercourse with his partner, or if he touches himself so much he can't stop when in public--it's a problem.
Dear Gillian,
That's the spirit! You're almost there...
Actually, it took me a while to be comfortable typing the word myself. But this article pretty much removed that hesitation. Writing "masturbation" many dozens of times will do that.
And you're most welcome for the articles on tough topics.
Which brings us to your questions: "What does science say about helping our children's attitudes? And if there's no science on it, what does Duana say ...?"
Thank God we're not reliant only on Duana; there is science, and here 'tis:
1. How do most kids learn to masturbate--and when?
Nearly every man and most of the women in the USA masturbate to orgasm at least a few times during their lives...but touching oneself (with or without orgasm) commonly begins in infancy. One of our LS survey respondents noted that she'd had orgasms from masturbation all her life, beginning before she could remember. Scientific surveys agree that children are sexual beings and that they do touch themselves for pleasure almost as soon as they can reach their tiny parts. However, the intentional, rhythmic motions that are intended to create sexual release are more often found sometime during childhood to early adulthood--not in infancy.
And there are sex differences here: It's mainly the women who begin masturbating to orgasm in adulthood--typically the early 20s--, whereas almost all boys have orgasmed from intentional masturbation by age 12.
That's probably due in part to the different ways boys and girls learn about orgasmic masturbation:
Boys usually learn by being told or shown by another boy. Parents, if you find out your son whacked off with another boy, please try not to freak out. I could go on about the fact that this behavior is normal in most mammal species including ours; the possibility that men are showing their sexual fitness and/or intimidating other guys this way; the idea that most boys are trying to discern what's normal and what their bodies will do, and that they often are driven by mere curiosity; etc. For now let's leave it at this: When boys masturbate together, it's normal, it will not hurt your kid's psyche or body, and it has nothing to do with his sexual orientation one way or the other.
On the other hand, girls usually don't have anyone to learn from. Like you, Gillian, most of us are raised in almost utter darkness when it comes to our own bodies. I've even had clients tell me that they'd had intercourse a number of times, or orgasmed from oral sex before figuring out: Hey, maybe I don't have to wait for a partner to do this for me! Maybe I could do it myself! At any rate, girls often figure out masturbation accidentally--or don't figure it out at all.
2. How can parents be helpful about not passing the shame and guilt along to our kids? What can we do to teach them about this aspect of their sexuality?
Gillian, this has also been addressed by science. Studies have asked mothers about what sexual behaviors they've observed in babies-to-teens. These studies show that little kids will often touch themselves in the parent's presence. As kids grow up, they develop self-awareness and an awareness of others' attitudes, and they become secretive about touching their bodies.
What this means is that the best time to talk to kids about masturbation is not in the pre-teens or teens, but as the opportunity naturally presents itself during early childhood when toddlers commonly and openly reach for their genitals. Then, respond in the way that suits your values.
Most of today's parents, while feeling some ambivalence about masturbation from their own upbringing, want their kids to know two things: There's nothing to feel guilty about in masturbation, but it should be done in private (as a youngster I know put it, "You wouldn't do it at the airport." Indeed not.)
To convey both of those ideas, next time you see your child touching him/herself, say, "Touching yourself there feels good, but it's important to do it in private, in your room."
(Swatting the child's hands away, making a grossed-out face, or saying "No!" will effectively convey the opposite...)
But if early childhood came and went without comment, the next-best time to discuss many aspects of sexuality--including masturbation--is now. Gillian, in your case, your daughter is older and very likely has been maintaining privacy about her body for a long time. In that circumstance, you're on track. You're understandably uncomfortable broaching the topic, so you've gotten her a book that does it, and you're open to discussing the book with her.
Your action in giving her the book and in being open when opportunities for any sexuality-based discussion arises conveys a powerful message kids need and want to hear: "Mom wants to help me grow up in this way, too, just as she helps me with everything else. I can trust her."
Additionally, I would suggest proactively bringing up a topic of sexuality from time to time, since sex talks are not a one-time deal but should happen early and often if you want to prevent her from having sex with anyone but herself anytime soon. As an earlier Love Science showed, it's the kids whose parents convey their values and expectations through a series of discussions all along the way whose kids wait the longest and have the fewest partners!
You might want to use a script, since this is uncomfortable. You could try saying this: "Nobody really talked about sex with me when I was growing up. So I felt kind of ashamed of my sexual feelings, kind of confused. I want to help you not be ashamed or confused. I saw that your book discusses masturbation. That's touching your private parts because it feels good. Masturbation is normal and totally okay. I wish someone had told me that. Is there anything you want to say about it?"
In short, thanks for great questions, Gillian. And--that's a lucky kid you've got.
Thank you for this article. I'm one of the women who accidentally discovered I could give myself pleasure rather than waiting for another person to do it. I like not having to depend on anyone else, but I worry about becoming too independent. My problem is, I use a vibrator and I am afraid I will make it where that's the only way I will have an orgasm. Or maybe that nobody else will be able to give me an orgasm if I get too good at doing it myself. Is my worry realistic?
Dear Mona Lisa :)
Your question is my fave--hands down!
When women are not orgasmic, the common helpful therapy is masturbation with a vibrator. Once the woman comes that way a few times, she's then asked to masturbate by hand sometimes, since it will be tough for a partner to replicate the motions of a vibrator.
What this means: Yes, using a vibrator *every* time, *exactly the same way* each time you masturbate could cause you some trouble with a partner later on. And orgasming by your own hand the same way each and every time, even without the vibrator, can make it tougher to come with a partner, too.
Solution? Change it up. When you're with yourself, sometimes use the vibe, sometimes your hand, and practice with different techniques.
Also, consider bringing the vibrator and Miss Hand into your partnered interactions. Then you can teach your partner how to please you, too.
Of course, I did hear from Wise Survey Respondents that some men are insecure about vibrators (and occasionally, about the woman's own hand), viewing their use as a criticism of the guy's prowess in bed. That's really unfortunate--as one reader said, this is "just what my body needs". It's about *her* orgasm--not *his* ineptitude! Men seriously need to quit taking that personally. (Sociologist Pepper Schwarz said it best: "Gentlemen, this is not your competition, it's your colleague.")
(If you're lesbian, you probably won't have any such attitude issue...science has long shown that women with women tend to have more of an 'anything goes as long as it gets you off' mindset.)
Another reader wrote me privately that a male sex partner indicated she must have a problem because she touched herself during sex...he claimed he had "been with 25 women before, and they all came just from penetration." She said he was kind of taken aback when she replied, "And a lot of those women faked orgasm with you. The odds you found 25 women who come without a rub are zero. Even if you did find 25 magically orgasmic women, though, I note you are not dating them now. So let's get back to what works for us."
Brilliant!
Upshot? Touch yourself freely, with whatever makes you happy, and in various ways so you don't accustom yourself to just one method. And when you do find a partner, try to get the partner accustomed to the attitude that always works: Whatever Makes You Happy.
Keep on smiling.
Dr. Duana said: "And there are sex differences here: It's mainly the women who begin masturbating to orgasm in adulthood--typically the early 20s--, whereas almost all boys have orgasmed from intentional masturbation by age 12.
That's probably due in part to the different ways boys and girls learn about orgasmic masturbation:
Boys usually learn by being told or shown by another boy."
_______________________________
Okay, I finally have something to contribute. Thank heavens for single-name semi-anonymity.
And you know the above . . . how, exactly? Another survey, I hope?
I am not that strange a specimen, I don't think. But I never self-pleasured as a child, nor as a teenager. Never, that's right. Never.
What I did do, though, was have nocturnal emissions and very realistic dreams about cute women. So I knew what an orgasm was supposed to feel like and what would cause it. Namely, sex with a woman . . . not with my hand.
And holy crap. Having another boy *show me* how to wrangle my wiener? Are you kidding? I was thankfully not exposed to that embarrassment (there were plenty of opportunities in school gym locker rooms and sports teams, true).
The Boy Scouts Official Handbook (unfortunate title, that one) also had a chapter entitled "From Boy to Man" and it very politely discouraged us from wiener-wrangling: "You don't want to do things that make you feel ashamed and less of a man . . . ", words to that effect. And that made sense to me. So I didn't bother.
And how did I discover real sex? Well, it was a long time later . . . kinda like how you described it for women. In my 20s. But I felt like I was making up for lost time by that point. So when a girlfriend had pleasured me and I had my first orgasm for reals, I went home that night and thought "Damn, if *she* can get me off . . . *I* can get me off!" And the rest is history.
Other than that minor detail, I concur with the science as written ;-)
I only write this stuff because I am continually left shaking my head at what I read about how men are supposed to be thinking and what we are supposed to be doing. I think we're a bit more complex and a bit higher-potential than what I see in the media.
As for women, I happily report that I'm all about their satisfaction. And their satisfaction is not about my ego. Seems like the bigger *they* come, the harder I fall.
Dear Tom,
Thank you for being so candid about your own experiences. It is natural to want to know about others' sexuality, and I suspect that this article and survey's appeal derived in part from that curiosity. At bottom, most of us are seeking answers to a question some readers have asked outright: "Am I a freak?" Many people find it comforting to learn that they are similar to others, and I've heard from a lot of them privately that this article was especially helpful.
On the other hand, it can be rather unsettling to discover that one's own experience isn't the usual. But just because a particular sexual phenom happens a particular way for most men (or women) most of the time does not mean it occurred that way for you. Or that it *should* have. Or that you *should* masturbate at all, ever. It's a choice, not a mandate; and the research is a description, not a prescription!
That said, the research is accurate. Indeed, the lack of scientific controversy about when/whether/how kids discover self-pleasure is a bit boring. No matter how you look at it, you pretty much get the results I reported.
So, to answer your query about whether I got the info from science: Yes, clearly! The data are diverse and plentiful, arising from research as old as Kinsey's and as recent as the 2000s--and the studies agree with one another in almost every point--with the exception of onset of male masturbation. In Kinsey's data, males reported masturbating to orgasm for the first time around age 12; today's researchers find this age is likelier to be 10 or 11.
Other than that, diverse research methods are revealing similar outcomes. For instance, whether the research involves interviews with mothers observing their own children at a given time, or whether the studies are based on retrospectives from now-adults, or whether they were collected cross-culturally, the most common way for boys to learn about masturbation is from other boys. The second most-common way for boys to learn is from reading about it, or seeing masturbation in a magazine or a movie.
And whether or not people recall it themselves, mothers commonly witness boys and girls playing with themselves as infants and young children. These studies include mothers' witnessing of children behaving in a way that indicates that even infants sometimes experience what looks very like an orgasm (sorry if this freaks anyone out).
But some people do remember, at Love Science and in better science, their own self-discovery of masturbation in childhood. To wit, some of the survey respondents here at Love Science told me about their discovery of orgasm or masturbation when they were kids (on the playground, in the tub, just by touching themselves, etc.), although it was not a question the survey specifically asked.
As a final point, in my opinion, it's just plain sad that the Boy Scout manual of your childhood insinuated that you would "feel ashamed and less of a man" if you had masturbated. *You* didn't masturbate consequent to that shaming message, but a whole lot of the boys who read that manual? Did. I hope they're now past the feelings that such manuals used to tell them they *should* have...just as it's your right to touch yourself, or not, as you will--and always has been.
I don't have a question, just a comment I want to toss out there because I missed the survey and I think masturbation serves one more purpose. It keeps sex from turning into a chore. If my man expected every orgasm to come from me (loving the puns, incidentally), that would make sex into work in my opinion. I like my man to masturbate when I'm not in the mood. I encourage it. He pleases himself when he only needs his penis touched, and when we are together we touch each other's emotions and bodies all over in an earth shaking way. It's a win-win and he loves it, too. So three cheers, masturbation!