Her Cheatin’ Heart: Infidelity’s aftermath

Dear Duana,

Two years ago, my wife’s wandering attention prompted me to scope phone records, where I found many lengthy calls to another man.  Helen ended contact when confronted, and I think she’s been faithful since.  Although she claims it was only emotional, my gut says otherwise.  I still love Helen, and there are our three young children to consider, but it makes me feel crazy when she denies the sexual cheating I just know she did.  Do I divorce her, or is there some way to quit feeling so jealous and angry, forgive her and prevent this from happening again?    

Tristan           

Dear Tristan, 

Others might say your jealousy, not Helen’s behavior, is the issue.  But as scientific affair authority Dr. David Buss writes in The Dangerous Passion, eliminating your jealousy “…would be like smashing a smoke alarm to solve the problem of a house fire.  Successful coping requires dealing with the fire.”  Tristan, you sensed emotional heat at a minimum—and perhaps a full-on sexual blaze.  And you stopped it, but injuries were sustained.  What now? 

Remain In Your Marriage.   What you’re going through is tremendously difficult and, given that about half of all marriages suffer at least one affair, frightfully common.  Although it’s tempting to think of divorce as the end of your troubles, it will only change them—bringing on many new threats you won’t be able to detect or fight, as The Case for Marriagedemonstrates.  Not only do divorced adults typically wind up worse-off than those who work through their problems, it’s a well-known hazard for children on every level: emotional, educational, health, income, future marital stability…kids even get less time with *either* parent after divorce.  And if you leave, your children’s risk of severe sexual, physical and emotional abuse increases over 40 times, because it’s likely that Helen will eventually involve boyfriends, a stepfather, and/or new older stepbrothers in your kids’ lives—and unrelated men in the home pose the #1 factor in children’s abuse and violent death today.  Do all unrelated men abuse kids?  Of course not.  But almost all the abusers are unrelated men—and your departure opens the door. 

About 2/3 of today’s divorces would be better-off avoided, according to much data—and I believe yours is one.  Among the strong arguments in favor of staying in this marriage:  Helen is not a habitual cheater; you believe she is now faithful; you still love her; recovery from affairs is difficult but commonplace; and over 85% of couples who consider divorcing—but don’t—say they’re “very happy” within five years, according to excellent research by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite.  So for everyone’s sake, I strongly advise you to Fix, Not Break, Your Marriage by doing what you can to heal and prevent another affair. 

First: Understand why Helen’s infidelity is so hard to forgive.  Globally, men divorce more often for wives’ affairs than any other reason, and they find sexual cheating much harder to forgive than emotional liaisons.  Why?  Ancestral men could never be certain the kids were theirs, so men whose jealousy helped prevent and stop women’s affairs left more progeny than men who lacked the smoke detector.  Fire prevention is in your blood, and today’s men are alarmed by the very thought of a partner’s sexual infidelity:  When asked to imagine being cheated on, Buss’ heterosexual male participants’ hearts pounded, their brows knit and their skin sweated for envisioned sexual infidelities—much more than for imagined emotional affairs.

Second: Know why women cheat.  Are cheaters narcissistic, psychopathic, impulsive women with an inability to make a real emotional attachment?  Yes, sometimes—but it’s not the norm.  Instead, as the song says, “Lonely Women Make Good Lovers.”  Most women *require* consistent signals of emotional closeness and great sex and bringin’ home that bacon—or else a “friend” may become much more.  That’s because in the deepest recesses of our psyche, we know our partner’s willing and able provision of love, commitment and resources spells Survival for us and our kids, and his withdrawal presages abandonment and possibly even death.  Some of the best minds in the field, such as Buss and Dr. Heidi Greiling, have amassed evidence that we’re (unconsciously) lining up a replacement, trading up, getting the Best Genes for our future kids while duping our mates into providing for them, etc.  Whatever it is we’re doing, this much is clear:  Once we’re unhappy, we’re often doing it on the side.

Third: Prevent future fires: Stay vigilant while increasing the love you show.   Tristan, keep that smoke alarm around.  You’ve got a good one, and the best predictor of what any person will do, Helen included, is what they’ve done before in a similar situation.  One way you’ll gain confidence is by remaining alert and seeing that your vigilance is rewarded with her continued fidelity.

But Don’t Be Obnoxious about your vigilance or the past.  Not only does venting rage increase rather than release aggression in any relationship—it opposes the intimacy your wife apparently lacked when she began turning to someone else.  I know that hurts; it may seem vastly unfair, and that’s not how I mean it.  But you told me a lot about Helen in private, and it sounds to me like she was simply feeling lonely—a huge affair risk for women.  In that case, increasing your show of love and affection is one of the very best things you—or any man—can do to prevent another affair because, as we’ve seen, women’s own alarms sound in response to a lack of intimate connection.  Buss’ studies have even identified the five most-effective-ranked “mate-retention tactics”, in this order.  I strongly recommend using them all, starting today and moving forward: 

—Say you love her;

—Go out of your way to be kind, nice and caring towards her;

—Compliment how she looks;

—Be helpful when she needs it; and

—Show more affection than before. 

If you’d like a book that shows you how to excel at these, Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  is outstanding.  Or you can seek counseling with a goal of creating more intimacy in your marriage. 

This may seem a tall order when you are justifiably angry and hurt.  But Tristan, you don’t have a choice between the perfect life and this one.  In all likelihood, fixing this marriage is your greatest shot at happiness, and leaving would harm those you love best.  Maintain that alarm; love your wife; move forward.  You’re protecting your family—something men have been needed and admired for since time began.  Keep at it. 

Cheers,

Duana

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Do you have a question for Duana?  Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com

All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2009

With special thanks to the following additional scientists for their groundbreaking work regarding affairs:  Dr. Shirley Glass and her book Not “just friends”   ; Dr. Thomas Wright; and Dr. Todd Shackelford.   

Comments

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

@Gabriel, Thank you for the well-thought-out post. Being lied to adds insult to injury, but the evidence I have suggests that the reason people lie is that they put their marriages and/or lives at stake if they cheat and fail to hide it. Studies here and abroad demonstrate that the #1 reason women are murdered and divorced is if they are caught in sexual (not emotional) cheating. It's a very dangerous position to be in. Best, then, to either a) not cheat or b) not get caught.

Your idea is very interesting re: "When a woman gets pregnant, she is literally risking her life for her man by having his child...Cheating by the husband then says to her that her life means less to him, to some degree." Women certainly detest physical cheating--again, though, what they find most hateful and threatening is if their husband puts them at risk of abandonment by getting emotionally involved with The Other Woman. It's evolutionary, my dear Watson!

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

@CJ, I want to thank you for the sincerity and vulnerability you contributed with your post. You've put a human face on the other side of this situation and, perhaps, answered some other reader's questions about how an affair can happen.

Some statements of yours that stand out in particular are these: "...emotional connection involves TWO PEOPLE. It can be the two people in the marriage or it can be an outside person that is brought in." "Guys, you need to understand that connecting to your wife's feelings is not something to be overlooked or disregarded as optional in your marriage. It would be paramount to saying that sex is optional in a marriage."

Your sentiments are extremely close to those of most women who have affairs. There's a big difference between succumbing to temptation and actively seeking to harm one's spouse; I think you made the distinction clearer. Thanks again.

[Christine]

So is cheating just a fact of life now? Something to accept and realize that at some point in your life there is almost a 99% gurantee that your long-term boyfriend or husband will cheat on you?
Definitely feeling the 'sadder but wiser effect' right now.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

@Christine, About half of all marriages suffer at least one affair of the husband or the wife, and men tend to have a larger number of and greater likelihood of having affairs (some stats put men's lifetime rate around 75%, but I don't know of any at 99%, thankfully!). It's tough to say just how many men and women have affairs, though, because some people avoid revealing their history, given the stigma of infidelity. Add to that this fact: People who are living together are significantly less faithful to one another than people who marry.

I agree that these statistics are not particularly uplifting. The Big Picture, though, remains that about half of marriages *don't* have an affair occur--and many of those that do are able to recover from infidelity. Today's longer lifespan means that lifelong marriages last decades past what they once did, placing an extra psychological "burden" on our already not-by-nature-monogamous species. That so many people actually do remain faithful or work out their problems can be reason for optimism.

[Anne]

I enjoyed reading your response to Tristan's dilemma.... I can not imagine that type of hurt and truly hope things are resolved.

The other day I met a friend for breakfast and she shared with me that she was having an affair with a woman. She doesn't see herself as being gay, however said that she is the most happy with her female lover and is NOT in love with her husband. In fact, she and her husband rarely have sex (perhaps once a month).

Yet, she continues to live the "happy family life" while dreading every moment. Because small children are involved and the possibility of family and friends ostracizing her.....she is torn with what to do.

Should she stay or should she go?

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Anne, what a sad story. I would probably wind up advising your friend much as I did Tristan--to fix, not break, her marriage given that her husband is not cruel (I hope) and that her children and even future grandchildren will vastly benefit from her remaining in her marriage. I'd encourage her to work, work, work on learning the methods to help her husband give her what she needs, sexually and emotionally, because sooooo much evidence shows that almost 90% of marriages can and do become happy again. You'd be amazed at what marriages can recover from--and how much worse divorce seems to many of the divorced even many years later.

And, of course, all of that fixing would require tearing herself from her affair partner.

None of these solutions is easy. But neither is the rending of four or more lives. I wish your friend and her family wholeness and healing now.