Dealing With Your Difficult Man

Dear Duana:

I loved your Difficult Woman article and wish we could make it required reading for humanity. I think it is heroic for a man to actually stop, pause, and respond lovingly when criticizedby his wife. That man’s stature instantly would increase ten-fold in my eyes. One thing seemed contradictory, though. In passing, you said, “Criticism never helps a relationship.” But you also said, “In the happiest couples, the wife does the vital job of complaining…” If we Difficult Women never criticize, how are we supposed to do our job of Dealing With (you know—changing!) our Difficult Men?

Anna

Dear Anna,

Your core question is one for the ages: Can you change a man?We’ve all been told it’s impossible. But we’ve been shown that a woman’s job is to treat men like grapes, stomping them until they’ve metamorphosed into worthy dinner companions.

Science finds a truth quite opposite this cultural show-n-tell. In fact, You Can Change A Man. Just not with criticism.

Now that I’ve got your attention…here’s how.

Step 1: Repeat the mantra: “Criticism always hurts.”

Dr. John Gottman has spent decades discerning which couples are happy, why, and how the rest of us can get there. His unparalleledThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert concludes that“There is no such thing as constructive criticism.” That’s because criticism predictably snowballs into defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—habitual reactions so deadly to marriage, Gottman calls them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”.

Criticism never helps; it always hurts; it gets us to the opposite of love, respect, and happiness. Whatever phrasing works, the basic point is crucial.

Step 2: Learn the difference between criticisms and complaints.

Happy couples don’t let resentments build or ignore disrespectful, unloving acts. Instead, they gently complain as soon as they notice something amiss. And we all know who “they” are, right? Yes, we women, who bring up over 80% of sensitive issues.

Complaining is valid work. The tough point for many of us, though, is divining the difference between a complaint and a criticism. The tell-tale signs?

—Complaints make a specific request for change, dealing with the present situation only;

—complaints begin with “I” (“I think you’re a jerk” does not count, by the way); and

—complaints avoid blame, accusations and character assassination.

Criticisms, on the other hand, are global denouncements, attacking the other person’s general behavior and even their character—a sure sign of disrespect that swiftly and surely kills love. Statements that inject absolutes such as “never” and “always”, or that begin, “You know what your problem is?” are reliable tip-offs.

So here’s a Really Brief Quiz On Complaint Versus Criticism (Gottman’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last gives much more detail for Criticizers In Recovery):

“I wound up taking out the trash today, even though we agreed you’d do it. Will you do it this Thursday?”

Or

“Your never take out the trash—your one chore! How lazy can you be?”

One of these is something most of us could respond to favorably; the other….

Step 3: Replace criticisms with gentle complaints.

Does your man tune out or shuffle away, vacant-eyed and deaf-mute, at the slightest hint of negativity? Exposure to habitual criticism causes Zombie-like stonewalling—not because men don’t care, but because they can’t process emotional interactions once their heart-rates exceed 100 beats per minute. The more criticisms men hear, the more they learn to expect, and the more hair-trigger their physiology becomes.

To reclaim your Man who makes eye contact and engages when you need him, replace criticisms with gentle complaints…very gentle…ideally, so gentle, they may not even sound like complaints.“Oh, Honey, I can’t wait for you to get home and wrap your arms around me” might replace “You workaholic! Get your a** home pronto if you ever want to see mine again!” For instance.

Be gentle with yourself, too. Even blissful couples criticize a little; nobody’s perfect. And breaking the criticism habit is tough. So start by noticing after you’ve criticized. Soon, you’ll notice during criticism; and then eventually, you’ll notice that you’re about to criticize, and you’ll complain instead. Kudos! You’re on your way.

Step 4: Add positives—a lot of them.

Criticism always hurts, but an over-abundance of complaints is a deal-breaker, too. How can you express what you need without overdoing the negativity? Elementary, my dear Anna: Overbalance with positives ‘til you are far, far into the black at the Bank Of Love.

Think of your relationship as a bank account, except that at the Bank Of Love, you have to deposit at least $5 for every $1 you withdraw, or you’re broke. But the 5:1 ratio just covers bare-bones survival. Research shows that love’s happy millionaires squirrel away $20 of hugs, kisses, adoring gazes, sexual enthusiasm, compliments, supportive comments, and kind and respectful acts for each $1 in negativity they spend.

Extra Credit: Persist to reap the rewards.

I began this post with the extravagant claim that You Can Change A Man. Now, it’s time to confess: You won’t ever change who he is, not really. And if you ever loved and respected him, that’s probably best.

But you can change the relationship dramatically for the better, so that both of you are your happiest and most in love—just by doing these Steps as often as you can, even though none of us is in danger of doing them perfectly.

You might see positive results immediately—many do. But if your Man has already been Taken By Zombies, it might be a few weeks.That’s okay. Persist. Research shows these Steps are extremely likely to return your sweetheart and foster his openness to your influence—maybe in a way you haven’t known in years. Isn’t that worth a bit of effort?

Yes, it is. Bank on it.

Cheers,

Duana

Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com

All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012, 2009.  

The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his bookThe 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work. 

Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/display/Search?searchQuery=gottman&moduleId=9130610&moduleFilter=&categoryFilter=JournalEntry&startAt=0

Comments

[Trencherman]

I agree. My long-term boyfriend never used to use his turn signals when driving. I stroke his leg, kiss his cheek, and say stupid stuff like "you are so sexy when you turn the blinker on)--EVERY TIME he uses the blinker. It's become a joke between us, but you'd better bet he uses his turn signal now.

Other than that he came to me with no flaws, so he's just about perfect now.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear Trencherman,

You're just about perfect to have thought of that. You could give lessons, and not just in driving!

Cheers,
Duana

[Mocha's Mom]

Of course, there's also the approach of just admitting up front that the way you want to do things is not some awesome truth but just your habit.

For example, I was always re-stacking things or shuffling them around after Mocha's Dad put them away, and one day while we were folding laundry I said, "This may sound nutty, but I like to put the clean towels on the bottom of the stack everytime so that they all get used evenly instead of having a bunch of like-new ones and a bunch of shredded ones. It's just a thing I do."

Ever since then, he puts the fresh towels on the bottom of the stack. You can almost never get your way by insisting that your little way of doing things is vital, but at least in my case I find that he's willing to do a lot of stuff if I just say, "Hey, could you maybe try doing it this way."

Of course, there are things you just have to let the other person do. He and I have totally different ways of washing dishes, cleaning house, etc, and for a while I wanted him to switch to my way. While I was looking for my chance to change his habits, I noticed that when he did things his way, nothing disastrous happened.

If he washes the dishes, we don't get horrible diseases that can only be traced to improperly washed dishes. If he cleans the bathroom, no one runs screaming from it in a horrified state.

Once I stopped criticizing his ways of doing things, I found he was super-duper helpful in a lot of areas all on his own. Kewl.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear Mocha's Mom,

Mocha's Dad is cleaning bathrooms and doing dishes, and you had the good sense to realize you have a guy who cleans bathrooms and does dishes! Mine own sweetheart loves to rearrange the dirty dishes in the machine prior to a wash. Hey, he's doing stuff--I love it.

All of which is to say, I love the ideas you presented, especially the idea that sometimes, letting go and appreciating what the other person has to offer is highly workable.

[Mocha's Mom]

Something I hear and see a lot of lately:

What about when the traits that attracted you to your man in the first place are the ones that become "difficult?" I'm not talking about traits that are essentially morally bad (like womanizing), but rather regular traits that eventually seem overwhelming.

The strong silent type becomes frustratingly uncommunicative; the discerning taste that was once sooo hot becomes just a case of being fussy, fussy, fussy; the unflappable, always cheerful fellow seems insensitive and flip -- I could go on and on.

This isn't entirely academic: in my social circle there is currently a slo-mo train wreck of this kind that is agonizing to watch.

[Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.]

Dear MM, I think what you're referring to is That Awkward Moment When something that used to seem adorable becomes annoying. Sometimes majorly so.

Fact is, most aspects of any of us are great in some circumstances, and just awful in others. Since it's true that we mostly don the rose-colored spectacles for dating, but remove them later on, we tend to become aware of the more irritating aspects of any given behavior only as time marches past.

Solutions? Be Happy Anyway--something I wrote about here (http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html), since all couples have numerous unsolvable troubles, but some stay blissed-out nonetheless.

And whip out the rose-colored glasses again. Research shows that nurturing a view of your partner is better than he or she actually is--maybe better than any human is--is a pretty good plan, per happiness. We did it once, during courtship. We can do it again now. It just takes a mental shift away from complaint, and towards the positive things this now-annoying trait also bring.