ATTACHMENT STYLES: Overcoming Fear, Embracing Intimacy~At Last
Dear Duana,
I was raised by a perfectionist mother and a loving father who traveled a great deal. Our extended family was thousands of miles away. Mom was in leadership positions at church and community groups and never delegated well. I learned that if you want something done right, do it yourself. She didn’t have many close friendships, and I never learned how to form them. My siblings are the same way. We talk about how hard it is to make close friends. My ex-husband often scared me because it felt like he wanted to merge completely with me. I prefer to have some separateness. My current boyfriend complains that I don’t trust him enough to let him take care of me. How do I learn this skill that affects my life so much?
—“Becky”
Dear Becky,
Thank you—and 58 others—who took the Attachment Style Questionnaire. Your responses, fully reported under my signature, got right to the heart of why I wanted to discuss attachment: Some people have a tremendous advantage in forming intimacy and feeling comfortable with interdependence, and maybe there’s a way to help more folks obtain that edge.
Where does our attachment style come from?
Thanks to research starting in the 1970’s to now (please see links to articles at the end of today’s post), we know that attachment styles initially come from our Experience with whoever has The Mom role, and that The Mom’s own attitude and attachment style tend to be carried forward by her children—as your letter indicates may have occurred with you.
A mom who finds it easy to bond with and mutually depend on others tends to be highly responsive and available to her babies, and her babies then learn that others can be relied on to meet their needs. This responsive-and-available dynamic remains vital at least through middle school. Kids on its receiving end usually become Secure themselves—a style that frequently helps those children for many decades of their lives.
What are the four attachment styles, and how do they affect our adult relationships?
Secure adults tend to develop low *anxiety and low **avoidance when it comes to forming and keeping relationships through life. They trust their partner, accept the offered intimacy without blowing problems out of proportion, and respond the way their partner needs them to—sustaining not only the relationship’s length, but its happiness. And in various studies, including ours at LoveScience, about 60% of infants and adults have won the style lotto for Security. As one woman on our survey said,
“I…like to see the good in people. Even when I see the wrong! What can I say, a true optimist!”
But there are three other styles, and all three tend to do stuff that plain makes it tougher to relax, already, and Be Happy With Someone Else—because these other styles involve high anxiety, high avoidance, or both. Non-Secure-style folks tend to be a lot more prone to noticing problems, enlarging on them, and even creating issues/dramas that don’t really exist. They may not respond as needed, and/or accept the support their partner can give. No wonder so many find themselves stymied in their search for a good relationship.
For instance, folks who self-i.d. as Anxious/Ambivalent (aka Preoccupied) have high anxiety but low avoidance; they tend to feel sure of other people’s lovability, but hesitant about their own. These are folks who say they’d like to merge totally with another person, perhaps like your ex-husband wanted with you, but they worry they’ll scare others away. Some Preoccupied folks worry so much, they begin protecting against eventual abandonment by doing the one thing that really could get them dumped: having affairs! Although just 7% of our sample identified with this style, other studies find that about 15-20% of babies and adults are Anxious/Ambivalent. Said one woman,
“I am very much an extrovert and tend to be able to help people open up quickly. Intimacy comes naturally to me, but I do crave stability.”
Said another: “I…have difficulty believing that I am lovable.”
And then there are those who i.d. as Avoidant (about 25% of infants and adults in most studies, but 36% of our sample), which breaks down into two categories: Dismissive and Fearful.
Avoidant/dismissive folks are inclined to have high avoidance and low anxiety; they often think trust isn’t worth the effort, and they feel safest living life on their own terms, without much real intimacy. I suspect these are the folks who not only find long distance relationships tolerable—they prefer them! It’s not just that they don’t rely on others much; they truly value independence. As one man put it,
“Never felt the need to be that close to anyone. I believe most relationships are not going to last that long and you must do the things that you would count on others to do.”
And one woman said: “I am not the long-term relationship type. I have always been able to move on very easily. I guess I don’t let myself get too attached because things always change. My feelings toward the other person tend to be fleeting so I don’t want them to get too attached to me either. I don’t like hurting people….I am very comfortable with my attachment style. It makes transitions much easier. Although, I have been told recently that I am heartless…..”
And then there’s the style you selected as best describing you: Avoidant/fearful. This is often an emotionally rough road for the person who has it, since this style involves high anxiety and high avoidance—a pull towards intimacy, coupled with so much fear of being hurt that self-protective actions can ironically derail the longed-for closeness. Wrote one woman:
“I feel naked letting anyone actually know me.”
Said another: “My first reaction when receiving a hug is to push away.”
And one man wrote: “I like women, but just prefer to keep in light and airy, no strings attached. I’m very personable and accommodating. If something happens, it happens, but I prefer to stay at a distance. I will never live with a female. No way.”
Why do we all—even the most Avoidant—still get involved?
Although it might sound as if entire groups avoid relating, Evolution has ruthlessly selected against a preference to be truly alone; those unmoved by attachment may be part of history, but they’re not part of our ancestry. Those of us now living inherited our psychology from those who sought connection.
So even those of us who say we don’t want connection, do…at least enough to keep getting into and back out of relationships. Our attachment style doesn’t predict whether we’re going to be in relationships at times; we are. Instead, our style represents *what we do while we’re there*.
How do people change their style?
Mostly, they don’t. Across many studies, including studies following the same individuals from infancy to adulthood, about 70% of us carry the attachment style we learned at home out into our world—for keeps. But that means that about 30% of us change. How?
Per our own survey and many other studies, people usually don’t change on purpose; change happened to them via Experience, for better or for worse.
So some people become more Secure over time; research and our own sample indicated that such a change usually happens in response to a good marriage. Said one Avoidant/fearful woman who has moved towards greater Security:
“Once married, I’ve become more secure and do not feel as if I will be abandoned (at least not by my spouse)….My biggest worry is that I could revert back to the insecure person I used to be.”
And some people become less secure, often due to a severe betrayal. To wit, this woman, now Avoidant/fearful, wrote:
“I used to be very trusting of everyone in my life but a very bad relationship blew my trust out of the water. Trust is now earned and the only people I truly depend on for support and love are my parents. I don’t even think I am capable of fully depending on the person I’m in love with…yet I still want them to depend on me.”
But waiting for a magically transformative relationship is not the style at LoveScience. So although few people say they intentionally changed their attachment style, here is cognitive behavioral therapy’s scientifically validated way for people to change whatever it is folks want to alter about themselves—including attachment style:
1. Notice when you’re doing whatever it is you want to change. For instance, if you are pushing your boyfriend away, catch yourself at it. If you’re thinking thoughts about how nobody is trustworthy, say to yourself: “I’m doing it again.” Don’t beat yourself up over it; just notice. Noticing is the gateway to change.
2. Redirect your thoughts to align with reality by comparing your thoughts and behaviors against what is truly going on. Is your boyfriend doing something to deserve mistrust? If so, that’s reality, not your attachment style. But are you catching yourself creating occasions to distrust him; setting traps to prove he’s a bad guy; generally making trouble in your relationship and manufacturing problems and issues to keep him at a comfortable (for you) distance; or avoiding discussions as soon as they turn emotional? Challenge yourself and own up to your part in this.
3. Repeat. Thousands and thousands and thousands of times.
That’s it. It’s simple, but it sure isn’t easy. Yet over time, it’s the solution for those of us who don’t want to wait for Luck to step in.
Is the continuous effort worth it, just to have greater stability and less fear and more love? Well, I did it—I am *still* doing it—and I think so. I hope you’ll try it for yourself and see. Regardless of style, we all crave some connection. May greater intimacy be yours.
Cheers,
Duana
*Anxiety is how much we worry about whether another will care for us.
**Avoidance refers to how much we seek or avoid intimacy and interdependence with others.
RESULTS from the Survey, “Folk Wisdom: How Do You Feel About Getting Close To Others?”
With sincere gratitude to the 59 Wise Readers who served as survey respondents.
Opening directions: “This survey asks how you feel about getting close to others. It’s quick, anonymous, and will form the basis for an upcoming LoveScience. Thank you for answering!”
Note: All percentages are rounded to the nearest whole number; thus, some totals are slightly lesser or greater than 100%.
“What is your gender?” —37% male; 63% female
“What is your age?”
—10% age 18-24
—10% age 25-34
—37% age 35-44
—22% age 45-54
—15% age 55-64
—5% age 65-74
—0% age 75 and up
“Which of the following best describes you?”
NOTE (which didn’t appear in the survey): Although it was initially thought that there were just three attachment styles, it’s generally conceded now that there are four, and this questionnaire used scientists’ wording to ask our Wise Readers to identify which style is theirs. However, various reseearchers have used various tools and assessment techniques, so it’s not a guarantee that their methods would yield the same results obtained here. Also, people vary continuously on anxiety (how much we worry that our attachment figure will or won’t care for us) and avoidance (how much we seek out or avoid others). So if you see yourself in more than one descriptor, that’s normal!
—58%: A: Secure Attachment [NOTE: Participants were given only labels of A, B, or C. I have here put the research-designated name for the corresponding attachment style here]: “I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”
—36%: B: Avoidant Attachment: “I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.”
[NOTE: Shaver & Hazan’s wording was used for the A, B, and C descriptors. However, later research by Bartholomew showed that those with Avoidant Attachment are further classified as either Fearful or Dismissing. Thus, those who answered that they were Style B were asked about their feelings, using Bartholomew’s descriptors.]
“If your answer above was B, please tell me more here by choosing which option below best describes you (if you gave answer A or C above, please don’t answer this question).”
—67% of the Avoidant chose: Avoidant/fearful [NOTE: respondents chose from 1 or 2, they did not see the label names]: “I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”
—33% of the Avoidant chose: Avoidant/dismissive: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”
—7%: C: Anxious/Ambivalent: “I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.”
“The questions above deal with how comfortable you feel getting close to and being interdependent with others. Do you think the attachment style you have now is the same as it was when you were little (and attached to your parents)?”
—63% = yes (attachment style has remained the same)
—37% = no (attachment style has changed)
“If your attachment style changed, what changed it? Please describe here.”
—28 answers, as follows:
—Woman, age 18-24, who has a Secure attachment style:
My attachment style has not changed so much as progressed over time. When I was little I was shy and very gullible. Now, I am less shy and mentally analyze everything anyone says, especially in regard to the truth.
—Woman, age 55-64, whose style changed to be Secure:
I think I was a C [Anxious/Ambivalent] when I was little. I remember sitting and weeping as a child because nobody would touch me. My hands were sweaty so nobody wanted to hold my hand and I was too big to be carried to bed when I fell asleep somewhere else like the car. My mom was alcoholic so I realized later was either drunk or hung-over most of the time and became suicidal after my older sister died in a car accident just as I turned 11 until she finally was taken to a hospital with AA peer counselors instead of the psych ward where she was usually sent to dry out. I am getting to A [Secure style] now but still have elements of C [Anxious/Ambivalent]. I recently started a relationship and took his cues for sex after we had been associating for about 3 months. It was too soon for him apparently and probably too passionate. As soon as it happened he dropped me like a hot potato. I am a complex, wonderful woman so he has been approaching me again but tentatively. It’s really frustrating. I love sex too much. I started way too early in life because it was such a wonderful way to find the affection that had been missing. Now I am going to have to find a way to keep a lid on that. Maybe I’ll find someone who will like having his mind blown now and then and can do the same for me. If the fellow I mentioned can communicate and let me know how he likes it and when he wants it, we might be able to enjoy intimacy on many levels. That would be lovely. Meanwhile, I’m a busy, happy woman creating a full, rich life.
—Man, age 65-74, Secure attachment style:
I’ve been mellowed by age and am not quite as quick on the acceptance of new relationships as I was as a child. I try to get to know people as I encounter them and then decide what level of relationship to try and establish.
—Man, age 45-54, Avoidant/dismissive attachment style:
Never felt the need to be that close to anyone. I believe most relationships are not going to last that long and you must do the things that you would count on others to do.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose style has changed to be a Secure attachment style
My parents are alcoholics, and I felt abandoned, as a child and now in retrospect.
—Woman, age 25-34, whose style has changed to be Avoidant/fearful:
I used to be very trusting of everyone in my life but a very bad relationship blew my trust out of the water. Trust is now earned and the only people I truly depend on for support and love are my parents. I don’t even think I am capable of fully depending on the person I’m in love with. Yet I still want them to depend on me.
—Man, age 55-64, whose attachment style changed to be Avoidant/dismissive:
When I was small, I was very close to my parents. As I grew older, I became more and more emotionally distant from them. I am sure they sensed this, and were hurt by it. I realized I dared not confide in them, because they would act to stop me doing things of which they would not approve. I understood early on that there would be consequences if I were discovered, let alone if I TALKED about what I was doing. I have been somewhat aloof and diffident toward others from early adolescence.
—Woman, age 55-64, whose attachment style changed to be Anxious/Ambivalent:
As a child I was desperate for my dad’s attention. His attention was directed more towards my middle sister, who was more of the tomboy in the family. Dad wanted girls, but she represented a more masculine female, which dad obviously preferred. I know this had a negative impact on my eldest sister and myself. This, I feel, caused me to try too hard to have a guy in my life and I ended up being a really good “doormat”. Another thing that changed how I viewed getting close to others was a situation at a work site that left me feeling that I was responsible for a student’s drowning. I happened not to be there that night; was resting with bad cramps, but should have been there. That left me with a breakdown and a rough journey to get back to life again. I discovered that you are never the same after a mental breakdown. But if you can make it through somehow, you can survive. I became unable to attach to anyone, except my mother, who didn’t understand what had happened to me, but who accepted me back home unconditionally. I know have a relationship with a man who is so very similar to my dad…………………I am not surprised.
—Woman, age 18-24, whose attachment style changed to be Anxious/Ambivalent:
I was never very close with either of my parents until I moved out and they got divorced. My father and I don’t talk, but I’ve always wanted a relationship with him. His alcoholism makes it exceedingly difficult to have a relationship with him, so I suppose my want to be attached to the hip to my significant other stems from the want to have a relationship with a male figure in my life.
—Man, age 35-44, whose attachment style changed to become Secure:
I had to forgive the past and forgive it to the extent of trying to provide answers for it. I had to completely let it go. Time and maturity can mend a broken childhood. Also, although I have not had a “successful” long-term 1:1 romantic relationship, I am intimately related to my pursuits in life and more so I am becoming intimately related to pursuits built to incorporate people together and teamwork efforts. One can survive abandonment attachment issues and trust that the world is a safe place to offer up their love and compassion to others, but it takes seeing one’s self as a leader and forerunner in this pursuit. Be the manager in charge of this area of your life - mange those expectations and know when projects are either dynamic and on-going, and/or for the short-term. Get involved with people and then when you start to experience that it is possible for you to be “included.” or “chosen for the team,” start bringing connections between other people together so that a chain reaction of this sort of bonding trend can continue for the health of others.
—Woman, age 18-24, whose attachment style has remained Anxious/Ambivalent:
This is a good question. As a family, we moved around a lot. We had to be our own friends, family, support, etc. because it was so hard to build an exterior community and then rebuild it every time. Interesting.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose attachment style was Anxious when she was little but who has changed her style to be Secure:
I cut off contact with my parents 7 years ago. Before that, I was probably anxious style. (I know about attachment theory.) Having fewer withholding or for-whatever-reason-unable-to-give-me-what-I-needed people in my life allowed me to redefine what’s normal and accept my needs. Even though I don’t have a partner right now, I’m less frantic, confused, and depressed, and have more energy freed up for reciprocity as well as self-protection and self-care.
—Man, age 45-54, whose style has changed to be Avoidant/fearful:
I’ve just learned over time that people are not dependable, more so significant others, they’re certain to always be disappointing. Trusting is really over-rated. I’d say, it’s best to just not trust anyone. I don’t worry about being hurt. My skin is very thick. My parents were not to be trusted. I wouldn’t even trust them around my children and never left them unattended for even a few minutes. My son who lives with me is 16. He can’t stand his grandmother.
—Woman, age 45-54, who chose the Secure attachment style but indicates she used to be more secure than she is now:
I was much more trusting when I was young. But the people I knew were more dependable and more loving and trustable. Most of the adults I know now are not interested in being close, and I worry that I am a bother. Also, as my siblings have grown distant to me, I am more insecure.
—Woman, age 45-54, who has a Secure attachment style:
I don’t have the same feelings for others as I do for my parents.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose style changed to become Secure:
I am much more confident now than I was when I was little, which I feel has resulted in a healthier attachment style than I had in my youth.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose style has changed to become Avoidant/fearful:
Chronic illness has been a barrier in recent years. I find I want to invest more in relationships than I have energy to give. But others who can tolerate that become even more treasured.
—Man, age 55-64, whose style changed to become Secure:
Naiveté
—Man, age 45-54, who is working on changing his style to be less Avoidant/fearful:
I’m learning to to allow people to become closer because I am learning to love myself more.
—Man, age 35-44, whose style has become Secure:
I have a propensity of getting close to others, More closer emotionally and even secretly (intimately) inside than I should with some….
—Woman, age 45-54, whose self-described style has been Avoidant/fearful throughout her life:
Once married, I’ve become more secure and do not feel as if I will be abandoned (at least not by my spouse). But, I have also found, that my partners attachment style (or lack of attachment) has caused me to become more independent. My biggest worry is that I could revert back to the insecure person I used to be.
—Woman, age 25-34, who used to be more secure but whose attachment style has become Avoidant/fearful:
I used to be more open and ready and willing to trust people, but life interfered and got in the way and slowly conditioned me to think that everyone is basically untrustworthy. I was always pretty independent, but I trusted people. Now I am still independent, but when people want to get close I find it difficult to totally let them in and share myself with them. I have developed more of a mistrust of people’s actions than their willingness, I think many/most people INTEND to be good/trustworthy people, but I don’t think most people are capable of not failing or letting me and others down through their actions. My many (failed) romantic relationships and through the course of my friendships in life I have chosen to feel that the people who failed me did not set out or intend to fail me in the beginning, but that they just didn’t care enough, or were incapable of being the people they wanted to be… the cheating spouse didn’t marry me thinking “I’m going to cheat on them!” but… they did anyway, because in spite of their intentions, their ability to follow through with their intentions is faulty and incompetent. The same thing with friends and family members who have betrayed my trust… they didn’t set out to betray me, that was not their goal of the interaction, but eventually their own selfish/opportunistic nature or just plain laziness gets the better of them, and again I am betrayed. So now I limit my interactions with people, I only tell people (even ones who I am seemingly close with) things about my life and myself that I would not be mortified to have spray painted on a wall. Confidences are mostly internal and I just work through things myself, I no longer turn to others for support because I don’t trust them.
—Woman, age 25-34, whose attachment style she describes as having been Avoidant/fearful since childhood:
I was a Daddy’s girl. At some point in elementary school I disappointed him too many times and he backed off. Later saying “l have to love you because you’re my daughter, but I don’t have to like you”. I felt emotionally abandoned. My mother had an affair and left our family when I was 16. I think it all plays a part of why I have been labeled ‘cold’.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose Secure attachment style emerged after childhood (when she had another style):
I’m a lot stronger now!
—Man, age 55-64, whose Avoidant/dismissive attachment style emerged after childhood (when he had another style):
I have always been independent. While I would much rather be in a healthy relationship, my ideals and expectations seem to have created an invisible wall.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose style is now Avoidant/dismissive but who says she was more dependent as a child:
Living apart from my parents during college made me more independent in daily life. Now, I depend on my partner to provide and he depends on me to take care of kids and house. However I do not tell him how to provide and he doesn’t tell me how to keep the house, we share in raising kids. I think we have a healthy dependence on each other, definitely not over dependent, like I was when little.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose style has changed after childhood to become Secure:
I think I felt more like C [Anxious/Ambivalent] and then a lot of bad relationships with men made me even clingier. I’ve been married to a man I can trust for a long time though and that is what changed me. Much happier this way (as an A) [Secure]!
“Is there anything else you want to tell me about your own attachment style/feelings?”
—21 responses, as follows:
—Man age 35-44, Avoidant/dismissive attachment style:
I am careful selecting few upon whom I would depend. I am willing to have others depend on me and believe I’m good about being there for them or being clear that our friendship is not that serious if they ask more than I can give. I’m fairly well liked but have few close friends.
—Man, age 65-74, Secure attachment style:
I try to be open and accepting of others, but find that that is tempered by my experiences of the past.
—Woman, age 35-44, Secure attachment style:
I am more cautious forming relationships with people of the same gender now than I was in my late teens early twenties. I believe it has to do with the knowledge that not everyone has my best interests in mind. I try to be friendly to everyone but I am aware that the friendliness may not be returned.
—Woman, age 25-34, whose style changed to be Avoidant/fearful:
The older I get and based off my own experiences… I’ve learned that the best thing in all relationships is to just give the love and the understanding, let it be in the moment, without expectations or demands that the other person loves or understands me back. It allows me to love someone but still be able to go on with my day and focus on loving myself.
—Man, age 55-64, whose attachment style changed to be Avoidant/dismissive:
I hardly know you well enough!
—Woman, age 35-44, whose attachment style has always been Secure:
The feeling of wanting to connect to people sometimes is a psychological need, that especially with people of my age group or peers have the same predicament. The larger insecurities of being loners in life perhaps makes it certain that through age, contact with the larger world gets shrunk. Furthermore, sharing experiences builds memories and that is a sure way to take you through old age. A life full of experiences is what I would want to have and therefore forming relationships is healthy.
—Woman, age 18-24, whose attachment style has remained Anxious/Ambivalent:
I am very much an extrovert and tend to be able to help people open up quickly. Intimacy comes naturally to me, but I do crave stability.
—Man, age 45-54, whose style has changed to be Avoidant/fearful:
I like women, but just prefer to keep in light and airy, no strings attached. I’m very personable and accommodating. If something happens, it happens, but I prefer to stay at a distance. I will never live with a female. No way.
—Man, age 18-24, whose attachment style has been and remains Secure:
After being left by my fiancé, I definitely withdrew my style of attachment. It is not that I don’t need or thrive on such an attachment, but I got very scared of losing it. But it has slowly reverted back.
—Man, age 55-64, who chose the Avoidant/fearful attachment style descriptor as his lifelong style:
Your questions are framed to reflect desire for close relationships with “significant others”; it can also apply, however, to friendships in general, correct? In my case, I have a close and trusting relationship with my wife, but find it difficult to form close friendships outside of marriage. I have a lot of cordial relationships; people I kid around with, people I interact with at the workplace, people who consider me a “good guy”, but not people who depend on me or would consider me the person to call during a personal crisis. This may stem from being an introvert, and from being busy and not having the time to pursue such friendships. As a little kid I was something of a “mama’s boy” due to chronic ill health, and was too shy to have real school chums. All this is probably irrelevant to the focus of your study, but it’s my answer!
—Woman, age 35-44, who chose the Avoidant/fearful style as consistently hers:
I feel naked letting anyone actually know me.
—Woman, age 35-44, who describes her style as having always been Secure:
I trust people until they prove I can’t. Then I don’t trust them again.
—Man, age 35-44, whose style has become Secure:
I sometimes find myself getting very attached to people of the opposite sex that show me friendship, in ways I shouldn’t because I see things in them I wish I had in my partner and it becomes an attraction, similarities in likes and professions etc…
—Woman, age 35-44, whose described attachment style is Secure:
The A-C options above don’t allow for much nuance. One little caveat to my apparent secure attachment style is that I hate having people depend on me. This aversion was unconscious for much of my life, and was expressed with lateness to meetings and appointments. This is mostly with professional relationships. My children can always depend on me, but I find I’m deliberate about not over committing.
—Woman, age 45-54, whose self-described style has been Avoidant/fearful throughout her life:
My parents divorced when I was very young and to this day I remember watching my father pack a suit case and leave us. My childhood growing up consisted of men coming in and out of our lives to the point where I can honestly say that my happiest moments did not include a man in the house. I do not trust and have difficulty believing that I am lovable.
—Woman, age 25-34, who chose Avoidant/dismissive descriptors as matching her style:
I enjoy relationships with others as long as I feel we are both getting what we need. I am not the long-term relationship type. I have always been able to move on very easily. I guess I don’t let myself get too attached because things always change. My feelings toward the other person tend to be fleeting so I don’t want them to get too attached to me either. I don’t like hurting people. I am generally up front with the person from the beginning about what I am looking for or what I am not. I am very comfortable with my attachment style. It makes transitions much easier. Although, I have been told recently that I am heartless…..maybe it’s a good thing that I stay away from serious relationships. I am very loving with my children though. They are stuck with me for life!
—Woman, age 35-44, who responded that she has had an Avoidant/fearful attachment style throughout her life:
I was raised by a perfectionist mother and a loving father who traveled a great deal. Our extended family was thousands of miles away. Mom was in leadership positions at church And Community groups and never delegated well. I learned that if you want something done right, do it yourself. She didn’t have many close friendships, and I never learned how to form them. My siblings are the same way. We talk about how hard it is to make close friends. My ex-husband often scared me because it felt like he wanted to merge completely with me. I prefer to have some separateness. My current boyfriend complains that I don’t trust him enough to let him take care of me. How do I learn this skill that affects my life so much?
—Woman, age 25-34, who used to be more secure but whose attachment style has become Avoidant/fearful:
I don’t want to be like this, but it is hard to trust people after all that has happened in my past.
—Woman, age 25-34, whose attachment style she describes as having been Avoidant/fearful since childhood:
My first reaction when receiving a hug is to push away.
—Woman, age 35-44, whose Secure attachment style emerged after childhood (when she had another style):
I do get attached too easily but I also like to see the good in people. Even when I see the wrong! What can I say, a true optimist!
—Man, age 55-64, whose Avoidant/dismissive attachment style emerged after childhood (when he had another style):
While I can’t explain this, it seems my very first relationship as a teenager, had a better chance of being the real deal than most other relationships throughout my entire life.
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.
Related LoveScience articles:
Momma’s Boys can be a good thing: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/mommas-boys-the-good-bad-and-ugly-of-loving-a-guy-who-adores.html
Conquering Confusion: Does this person love you, or not?! http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/conquering-confusion-he-loves-her-he-loves-her-not.html
People who prefer long distance relationships might have an Avoidant attachment style: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-long-distance-relationships.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
John Bowlby, for formulating attachment theory in the 1960’s.
Mary Ainsworth, for inventing the strange situation to assess babies’ attachment styles, and thus making it possible not only to test Bowlby’s ideas—but to launch generations of researchers down the empirical path of attachment research.
Cindy Hazan & Phillip Shaver, for being the first to notice and study the similarities between infant attachment styles and adult attachment styles, categorizing adults’ styles and setting off an avalanche of research into why people have the style they do; how long it lasts; how style affects our relationships throughout life; and how styles change and remain the same over a lifetime.
Emre Selcuk and others, for research on how a mom’s attachment style can lead to the same attachment style in her child.
Kim Bartholomew, for research that made it clear that the Avoidant style is really two different styles—based on whether the motivation is more fearful or dismissive—and for leading attachment theory to its current understanding that we all vary on a continuous (not categorical) line of anxiety (how much we worry about whether another will care for us) and avoidance (how much we seek or avoid others).
Jerry A. Simpson, for research showing how people with different styles behave in relationships and after a break-up; his research elucidated how a Secure style is actively helpful in sustaining the quality and duration of relationships, and how the other styles behave in ways that actively undermine how long and happily relationships last. His article is also important because it discusses how the relationship progresses if it’s the woman versus the man who is Anxious or Avoidant, and which styles tend to wind up together. Here’s an overview: http://www.richardatkins.co.uk/atws/document/264.html
Everett Waters and others, for research that tested young adults’ attachment 20 years after their attachment had been assessed as infants—finding that 72% of them had kept the same style and going over many kinds of experience that could change attachment style.
R. Chris Fraley, for research on how and why attachment styles stay the same or change: Experience with those to whom we are attached.
David Buss & Heidi Greiling, who did a series of four studies to assess why women mate-switch (trade up); one reason turned out to be because some women with an anxious/ambivalent style are scared of losing their current partner, so they line up a back-up. One place you can read about this is Buss’ book The Evolution Of Desire, Revised Edition 4.
Thomas N. Bradbury & Benjamin R. Karney, for their new edition of their Intimate Relationships textbook, where they treat attachment styles at length in two separate chapters. By far the best and most up-to-date summary of the research I’ve ever found, I found here.
Ralph Ellis, for launching cognitive behavioral therapy and making it understandable and usable for everyone in his classic book, A Guide To Rational Living. Warning: Ellis’ style is not for the feint of heart. If you are sensitive, please use Burns’ book instead (below).
David Burns, for a more recent, outstanding cognitive behavioral psychology book about how those of us wishing to change ourselves—can: The Feeling Good Handbook.
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Reader Comments (7)
I felt like I was in class. Learned a thing or two or three or etc. I always thought I would live alone for a long time. Never even planning for such relationships. It was apparent on how I went to parties and social events. Never was dressed to impress but then again I was young and clueless. But I would get some heavy duty crushes just by getting to know a person. Never a relationship though until 1991 when I met my future wife but even then I didn't pursue until she pursued me. As a matter of fact, I didn't even have crush on her. I wasn't particularly looking for a "steady". She fell into a category of woman I liked which I was made aware of much later in my love life. I let the wave carry me and hence a relationship started. Its been a nice surf since then with twists turns and occasional "in-the-tube" challenge.
Thanks for your post, GC. Do you feel like your and your wife's attachment styles are the same, or different? Have they helped you both get closer, or have parts of your styles been something to overcome? I am always looking to learn from the masters, ie, those who have loved one other person a long time :).
Loved the article although it made me sad. I was engaged to a man who as I read this article I'd say is avoidant, and I am anxious ambivalent. He was always distancing and I was clamoring to win him back. I always felt there wasn't enough intimacy, and he felt there was too much. It was a nightmare. Is our pattern unusual, and what do you know about the match between attachment styles and couples' success? Should I pick someone with my same style in the future? Any other advice?
PS: Your article told me how to change myself, and now I'm wondering, is there a way to change someone else? Could I have done something to keep my fiance?
Two things occur to me: (1) it must be incredibly hard to have goodwill in a marriage in a marriage where one or both partners do not have a secure attachment style. Is it possible to build goodwill without that factor? What if both partners have the same non-secure style -- does that enable them to have goodwill due to understanding each other?
(b) Does attachment style play a role in morality? Are people with one attachment style "gooder" than people with others?
Dear Kimberly, I’m sorry your engagement didn’t work out. One of the more common issues in long-term relationships is the dreaded Intimacy Gap (term courtesy of relationship author Susan Page)—a phenomenon where one partner craves more genuine sharing of all aspects of the self than the other does.
Here’s the thing: We all want some connection. Evolution long ago cast from the Gene Pool those who didn’t play at all with others. But some of us want a lot more real sharing than others do, often due to attachment style differences. And that’s when you fall into The Gap.
Intimacy, which Susan Page defined as “sharing all aspects of the self without fearing loss of identity”, is a gradual thing in its real form; indeed, it’s smart to become intimate gradually, only revealing your core Self across time, because it’s time and experience with others that allow us to make sure our partner is trustworthy and loyal.
But people with Insecure attachment styles will often fake or rush intimacy, becoming pseudo-intimate because that way, at least a few emotional needs are quickly met with less investment and lower odds of getting hurt.
For instance, folks with Anxious/Ambivalent attachment, such as yourself, may want a lot of emotional reassurance and personal revelations (too) early and often in the relationship. Intimacy—or its signs—can assuage fears that you’re more in-love than you are beloved, that you are expendable and will be abandoned. But the reassurance is short-lived. Then it’s time for your partner to negate these frightening emotions by showing more commitment, emotional attachment, and admiration—or else watch as the Anxious/Avoidant partner is filled with greater and greater fear.
On the other hand, people with Avoidant styles—such as your ex-- tend to want the immediate *trappings* of intimacy—perhaps some intense emotional sharing up-front, combined with sex—because they don’t want or are fearful of the gradual and continual unfolding of Self that is true intimacy. They may confuse their partners by emotionally and physically distancing just when things seemed like they were going great. These are the lovers who look at you like you’re nuts when you express an interest in moving the relationship to the next level…after they themselves have alluded to or outright planned it; the partners who tell you their last lover caused all the trouble in the relationship—but then they fabricate issues just when things are perking along problem-free with you; the boyfriends and girlfriends who offer their bathrobe and house key so you can come by anytime—then get cold and aloof when you use said bathrobe and/or key; the would-be spouses who offer an engagement, then won’t set the date; the husbands or wives who manage to be married-but-not-married—taking separate vacations, not consulting their spouse about matters great or small, and generally acting single even though they signed The Piece Of Paper. I suspect that most Come Closer, Go Away behavior at every level of relationship has Avoidant attachment as its backdrop. As you know, it’s painful~and confusing as heck if you’re on the receiving end.
And ironically, Avoidant people *are* more likely to do what Anxious/Ambivalent types fear: abandon partners. Which means that the concerns you may have had all along with your ex may have been warranted, and the signs of an Intimacy Gap you saw really were indicators of separation to come.
Which brings us to your answers:
1. “Is our pattern unusual, and what do you know about the match between attachment styles and couples' success?” and “Should I pick someone with my same style in the future?”
Kimberly, I don’t have stats on how unusual the Avoidant + Anxious/Avoidant pairing is, but it’s common enough that I regularly get letters from some very confused, hurt and angry folks who want more intimacy while their partner does his or her—but usually his—damndest to keep that Gap wide open.
The couples with the greatest odds of success are those where both mates have a Secure attachment style coming into the relationship—and as research on 144 young dating couples by Jerry Simpson showed, men and women alike would rather date someone with a Secure style even if they themselves aren’t Secure.
Which makes sense. Because in the two-Secure-people scenario, both partners are ready, willing and able to mutually trust, respond to, depend upon, and gradually open up to one another for lasting intimacy. And if you are Insecure but your partner is Secure, then the Secure partner is doing their best to respond appropriately, take troubles in stride, and make the relationship smooth.
Although I’ve written elsewhere that finding a partner just like oneself tends to be ideal, that’s a No in this case. I wouldn’t advise you to find a person matching your own Anxious/Ambivalent style. Having two people who need very high levels of reassurance; two people likely to see problems where there aren’t any; two people who might see a failure to call at lunch as outright rejection; well, it’s asking a lot of a partner and a relationship. And it’s volunteering for a ton of stress.
And stress is not our friend when it comes to building a life with someone else.
Above all, I’d recommend avoiding another relationship with someone of Avoidant style—especially because you are a woman. Women—even when Secure—have an evolved psychology that tells us to feel happy and calm in the presence of Ye Olde Willing & Able Provider & Protector. If a guy is running away from you, as an Avoidant man is, then how willing is he to commit? And how satisfying is that ever going to feel? Not very.
Indeed, in Simpson’s study, women were least happy with Avoidant men. And men—whose evolved psychology says to hold out for a woman who is high-status—tend to see Anxious/Ambivalent women as trouble; the insecurity can seem desperate. And longtime LoveScience readers know what comes after that: There’s never been a perfume called Desperation.
2. "Is there a way to change someone else? Could I have done something to keep my fiance?"
Kimberly, I don't know the details of your breakup, but I doubt you could have kept your fiancé, at least not in a way that would have made him worth keeping.
First of all, your combination of styles, with neither of you being Secure, and with the male being the Avoidant one, is likely to generate continual problems. Your feeling that he was never giving enough was not likely to lessen; his feeling that he was being (I'm guessing) imprisoned or overwhelmed with emotional demands was going to escalate. Perpetually.
Second, people vary *continuously* on dimensions of avoidance (how much we seek or avoid intimacy and interdependence with others) and anxiety (how much we worry that another will care for us). So some have more intense Insecurity than others. There are Avoidant people, and then there are AVOIDANT people. To the extent that your ex was very set on never trusting/depending on someone else, another person’s example and input was either going to be non-influential, or might have created push-back where the highly AVOIDANT person runs away screaming. Even a Secure person is no match for someone committed to not committing.
But let’s say your ex had been just a little bit Avoidant. And you had been Secure. Or even better, let’s say you were the Avoidant one (providing a hard-to-get, high-status feeling for the man pursuing you) and he was Secure (providing the pursuit cues you'd need so you could relax and Trust). In that case, I’d have said: Okay, let the Secure guy gradually win over the slightly Avoidant woman.
Ultimately, though, I suspect that in cases where a Secure partner creates the experiences of loving trustworthy safety that help an Insecure partner to change, the influence is unintentional. And it’s risky to spend a lot of time on a program of transforming another person, too. Changing ourselves is tough enough. Changing others is something that only works if the other signs up…and often, not even then.
Upshot? Instead of finding someone to change, find someone to stand by as you change you. Seek out a Secure mate and work on changing yourself to be open to his Security. You’ll be changing the one person you’ve got the best shot at—you—and you’ll be allowing someone else to help you do that. I was you—the Anxious/Ambivalent—and with efforts outlined in last week’s article, plus a Secure mate, I did change. Several of my clients have likewise become Secure. It can be done. I wish you all the best.
Cheers,
Duana
Dear Mocha's Mom,
Thanks for stumping me. I may have answered your questions about whether two people need to be of the same style when I answered Kimberly, above; if the style of both parties is Secure, then yes; otherwise, in my opinion, Insecure people are a lot better off finding a Secure partner rather than a partner of any other style.
I am guessing that goodwill is a lot harder to come by if one partner feels trapped (Avoidant) and the other feels rejected and unloved (Anxious/Ambivalent). Or if both people feel trapped. Or if both people feel rejected and unloved.
And research shows that the Insecure style folks tend to behave in ways that make goodwill less likely, since they themselves often find and unconsciously manufacture Problems in their relationships.
So having at least one Secure person in a union is a Very Good Thing. Having two is even better.
But morality? You've just totally stumped me. I have no idea whether Secure people are more or less moral than people of any other style. If we equate morality with causing fewer problems, graciously accepting what other people have to offer, responding appropriately to others' needs, trusting easily where warranted and moving on where trust is unwise, and generally being dependable? Then yes, perhaps the Secure are more moral.
But if we define morality as behaving and believing in line with universal human rights even when those rights are not supported by our laws or culture (as research from Kohlberg and others has suggested)? Then attachment style might be independent of morality, and more closely tied to the ability to control our impulses--ie, not strangle the person you're tempted to strangle--and to stand up for what is Basically Right even if others around us disagree.
For instance, in Hitler's Germany there were those who chose to hide Jewish neighbors at risk to their own lives. These people not only controlled impulsive (and rational) fears--they acted out of line with their society and laws at the time for a greater cause, the support of their neighbors' Universal Right to remain alive. I'm just guessing, but I'll bet that didn't have a lot to do with the attachment styles of those moral folks. It just had to do with their beliefs that humans are of value, that life is of value, and that they were to support those beliefs through action.
Thanks as ever for stimulating thoughts.
Cheers,
Duana