Dear Duana,
Cora and I have everything in common. We go on outings anyone else would call a date, take care of each other when we’re sick, and talk every day. But there’s no physical intimacy, and never has been. More than once she’s said the vibe isn’t there for her, and friendship is all I can expect.
A year ago, I took a break to check my emotions, and all that broke was my resolve. I called within a month. Now I’m in love. Is there a way to remain Cora’s friend without it getting in the way of my finding someone else? How do I get over her? Last time, that didn’t work so well.
Judson
Dear Judson,
You’re lonely, but hardly alone. Taylor Swift song notwithstanding, most guys pining for more than platonic love are actual guys, with around 50/50 odds that a man is Into a female buddy.
Meanwhile, few women return the sentiment. So Cora can spend years truly being Just Friends, while you’re involved in something else altogether: The BTN*.
Beware The BTN.
BTNs, or “better than nothings”, tease us with finite fixes for infinite yearnings. They’re the dead-end relationships, the otherwise-perfect commitmentphobes, the people who’ll never be that Into us, the Friends who can’t be more. The Coras.
Yet if BTNs served no function, we wouldn’t spend years waylaid—if not actually laid—in them. Among the popular rationalizations are these:
—Some intimacy feels better than none at all, so we hide ourselves from the trade-off we’re making against our future happiness;
—We wonder if real love is a fairy tale, and whether we should settle for what’s in front of us despite the gnawing loneliness and insecurity;
—We think pain means love, so we forget —or never knew?— that returned love exists and feels fan-fricken-tastic;
—Or we falsely believe love is rare, so we’d better hold onto even a bad match (Note: someone who doesn’t want or isn’t ready for us is a bad match no matter how wonderful otherwise);
—And sometimes we think we’ve already spent so much time here, we can’t or shouldn’t leave now.
Yet in reality, BTNs are much worse than nothing at all.
—BTNs erode your self-confidence and self-esteem. BTNs don’t just cost your resources; eventually, they cost your *you*. Especially the sexy self-confidence chicks universally dig.
Throwing yourself at anyone whose truth says, “I’ll never really be yours” undermines the foundation of your allure and self-worth. “This is all I can have with Cora” can stealthily devolve to, “This is all I can have, period.”
Or worse, “This is all I deserve.”
—BTN’s demotivate you to find someone who loves you back: If you’re taking care of Cora when she’s ill, squiring her to dinners, and calling her daily, the time and money and head-space and heart-space you’ve got for courting a woman? Are already spent, along with your motivation to meet someone new.
Fortunately, you get it that putting everything into this Friendship is corroding your drive to pursue someone truly available. And you don’t sound utterly beaten down.
Which means I’m betting you have the considerable strength Step 2 will take:
Break The Addiction.
If you wonder why men have a tough time with the Just Friends arrangement, look to male biology. Apparently, your Genes want a partner who will make babies with only you. What better way to ensure fidelity than to have you fall madly for She Who Is Hard To Get?
So men’s brains are literally wired to develop addictions to women who make guys wait for sex. The longer you chase a woman, the more bio smack, aka dopamine, your neurons release; the higher you get; and the harder you fall.
This usually leads to a deep and lasting bond between two people who are mutually in love—unless you fall for the woman who’s making you wait because she’s *impossible* to get: Cora.
Upshot? Love is not like a drug. Drugs are like love. And Cora’s your drug and dealer.
As with any other substance of choice, you’re best off quitting cold-turkey. No contact, no phone calls, no emails, no texts, no notes, no accidental-on-purpose meetings, no messages through other friends, no nothing. Anything more strings out the addiction, adding to your pain when what you need is a total break.
How long? Don’t communicate again until you would feel okay if you ran into Cora in public and she was kissing another man.
That’s not a litmus quickly or easily met; it might never happen. But think of it this way. If you were quitting heroin, and you stopped for a month and then shot up just once, what would occur? Yep, the same as last time you quit Cora for only a month. The drug drip resumes, the one-sided attachment roars back to life, and the BTN lingers.
I wish I had an easier solution, but there is no easy way to lose someone you love. There are just harder, less effective, more emotionally wasteful ways than cold-turkey.
Judson, you might give yourself a few weeks to go through the worst of the very real biochemical withdrawal you’ll feel.
But the best cure for an old love is often a new love, and I’m hoping you’ll take your life back soon by pursuing women who are open to you. Don’t sneak dates in the back door by doing date-like things with another Friend. Openly ask a woman out for a date, call it a date, and treat her like a date.
Women who don’t want that aren’t who you need. No matter how wonderful she may be otherwise, anyone who can’t even admit you’re dating is avoiding intimacy. And it’s totally unimportant whether she’s a commitmentphobe in general or just not Into you. She’s not worth your time.
Meanwhile, there’s someone out there who is waiting for you to come along—someone ready and right, someone who is avoiding a BTN because you’re worth being available for.
Which leads me to the final Step:
Go Find Her.
Cheers,
Duana
*Term from Susan Page in “If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
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Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
Related Love Science articles:
—Can Women & Men Really Be Just Friends—and nothing more?
—Q&A for whether men and women can be Just Friends
—How to tell she’s just not that into you (or is she?)
—Getting Over Her (how to heal a broken heart)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/getting-over-her-how-to-heal-a-broken-heart.html
—Settling 101 (Are your standards too high?)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
—When Men Wait For Sex (why men do and don’t get addicted to love)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-wait-for-sex-dumb-like-a-fox.html
—Sex & The (Happily) Single Girl (how women get addicted to love)
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-the-happily-single-girl.html
—How To Break Up
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/texting-your-breakup-whether-when-how-why.html
The author wishes to thank the myriad sources in the above Love Science articles. Additionally, I thank relationship author Susan Page for her insights into BTN’s (Better Than Nothings). Although Ms. Page’s work is not based in science, it is startlingly correct as viewed through social science’s lens, and I highly recommend this book in particular for singletons who want to be paired:
If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and Love Science Media, 2011.