Wise Readers,
If you let someone else arrange your marriage, shouldn’t you watch out for their motives? Why won’t arranged marriage work in non-arranged-marriage cultures? And what’s the downside of arranged marriage?
Read on!
From Anonymous: —My Parents Introduced Me To Mrs. Wrong—
As I get older I realize the hit and miss of randomly finding someone with love & respect seems statistically rare. Having friends or family introduce does take away quite a bit of that risk. However, I must caution that relationship-seekers should be wary of who is doing the matchmaking and what are the matchmaker’s objective.
I was still single in my early 30’s with parents that wanted a grandchild. With a heavy work schedule and limited dating they decided to set me up with their friends daughter. She was very attractive and funny. We hit it off and several months later married. It was at this time I found out that she had eating disorders and other depression related issues. The family guilt kept us together, but the marital struggles intensified. Finally, we divorced.
My suggestion is to make sure the matchmaker is truly interested in YOUR happiness, not some other motive.
Duana’s response:
Dear Anonymous,
I see you put a ‘test’ message at the site before posting this. Did you have trouble posting? Lately, I’ve heard from a few folks, saying they’d put comments on-site only to find them missing later. Just want you to know, I’ve not been deleting anyone’s comments, and I hope you’ve not had problems with this site. BUT if you have had issues with posting here, please write me privately so I can take it up with LoveScience’s webhost.
Now, to your question.
Thank you very much for your comment re: matchmaker’s motives. Of course, it’s true that every method of finding a mate yields great results sometimes—and awful results other times. I’m sorry you had a bad outcome from your parents’ matchmaking efforts. It sounds like they put their desire for a grandchild ahead of a clear-thinking, hard look at the woman they matched you with; or maybe they had hit it off with her, as you did, and thought it would be good on that basis.
That’s a mistake anyone can make—whether or not they’re in an arranged-marriage culture (amc).
But in amc’s, parents feel a whole lot freer to gather and act on information that can benefit them and their kids. For instance, did your parents learn as much as they could about your ex-wife before introducing you? Did they attempt to find out her worse points, not just sell her finer ones? Did they look into the content of her character, not just her charm? In amc’s, the parents still want grandbabies, just like yours did; they still want their kids married off, just like yours did; but they’re unflinching and unhesitating when it comes to finding out *everything* they can about prospective mates for their now-grown children.
For instance, I work in a college where a lot of the students are in arranged marriages; it’s rare for me to teach a section of 30 students with under 3 in an arranged marriage. These students come from Spain, India, many countries of Africa, and sometimes, the USA; and they often tell me their stories. Usually, the stories are happy.
One woman said a young man expressed interest after seeing her; he was from another city, and the woman’s parents didn’t know him at all. Her family launched formal inquiries into everything about that guy—who his friends were, how he spent his time and money, what his parents did, what education he was receiving, what his goals were, what his attitudes were toward women in general, whether he shared their religious views. Everything. And then, her dad pretended to be a plumber or electrician, went to the guy’s hometown, and got even more information. He even went to the parents’ home and pretended he’d gotten a service call, and made sure he met the family under circumstances where they might not be on their best behavior. *That’s* how involved this woman’s dad got; it may seem like stalking here, but in his country, it seemed like due diligence. His daughter’s and future grandchildren’s happiness was dependent on this process, and this man took his role as father of the future bride very seriously. The guy passed, the couple married, and they are very happy together.
I don’t think the informal matchmaking Americans get from their families approaches that level of stalking/diligence. ;)
Amc’s tend to work very well, as several studies in different amc’s show. There are many reasons for it. One is the above: amc parents get a LOT more info than just about anyone does before marriage in a non-amc. Another is that kids in amc’s grow up expecting an arranged marriage, and expecting that they will fall in love with the person chosen for them; expectation has a strong role in outcomes in lots of areas of life, including love. They expect that marriage is work and that love is work and that if you have some areas of disagreement—well, that’s just life. Everyone has areas of disagreement (about 70% of all problems in non-arranged marriages are never solved, per over 30 years of research!).
Of course, not all the stories are good. The worst I’ve been told have been from women who married against their families’ wishes. What they tell me is: If you marry someone your parents disapprove, and you have severe problems in your marriage later, your family may refuse to help at all, or they may even heap insult and injury on your already-miserable self. I’ve met women who’ve had to leave abusive men—or who have felt stuck with abusive men—because their families said, “See, this is why we didn’t want you to marry him. Now deal with him yourself. You got yourself in; get yourself out.” I’ve seen women in what would be considered slavery in the USA because their husbands keep them ignorant and isolated from their fellow countrymen, and their families have abandoned them for refusing their input decades ago. Parents routinely help a lot with marriage troubles if the marriage was arranged, or if the parents approved of a child-chosen partner; but a child who refused help with arranging the marriage itself is often on her own. I know we like to think marriage is just about the two people in the union, but really, success at matrimony takes a lot of support; without that support, many pairs founder.
So that’s the downside of amc’s. And it’s probably at least one reason for study results showing that am’s get better over time, while those who chose their own partners find their love cooling.
What can we learn from this?
I don’t think we can expect our parents and friends to be great matchmakers if we’re not from an amc. BUT. We can and should become much better at arranging our own unions—head first, then heart.
At least one study in the USA finds that a person’s friends will tell the truth about them~ so letting others vouch for and against a prospective partner should get you some good info. We can’t/shouldn’t/won’t feign being plumbers to learn more about someone we’re Into, but we don’t need to do that. We simply need to Ask and then Believe the answers.
To wit, I know a man, ‘Ted’, whose brother-in-law told him that Ted’s wife (then his girlfriend) “hasn’t had a job in years. I just bailed her out for $60,000 and she’s already getting in debt again.” Yet Ted married her. Unsurprisingly, their marriage is seriously undermined by her financial behavior, and they are on the verge of divorce. Ted had the information he needed *before* he got engaged. He just ignored it.
Which brings me to another point. Maybe one reason amc’s work out well most of the time is that the parents aren’t lustfully vested in a particular outcome. I know for a fact Ted was in lust with his future wife, and so he overlooked glaring flaws that are now the bane of his existence. If he’d been from an amc, his parents would not have overlooked this flaw; indeed, they’d have tried to make sure Ted and his now-wife never met.
Upshot?
I advocate folks meeting through all available means~ but keeping in mind that ultimately, *each of us* has to be responsible for deciding whether we’re in the presence of The One. That means gathering information and heeding what you gather. Maya Angelou put it well: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
I hope you have found healing from your divorce, and peace and passion in your life now.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.
Related LoveScience articles:
The arranged marriage article this Q&A is based on:
How to be your own dating service so you don’t settle:
Similarity 101: opposites detract:
Living with your differences—happily:
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
David G. Myers, for being the first to introduce me to the arranged marriage research from Jaipur. You can read more here: http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1985-19991-001
And here’s another study on arranged marriage, with other such studies listed: http://psyc158-sp09.pbworks.com/f/EPSTEIN-Arranged_Marriage-NCFR_Conference-2009.pdf
I don’t want to thank myself, but the article summarizing how well online dating services (versus other modes of meeting) are matching couples for Better is here:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-proof/201306/ebliss-is-love-best-begun-online