My Dear Girl,
How exciting that you’ve been asked to your first dance! This boy sounds like a good one to say Yes to: You like him; he’s enthusiastic about you (as I, Your Mother, feel all boys should be); and he’s shown bravery and respect and even good prefrontal cortex development. Did you know it takes guts for a guy to ask a girl? And did you know it shows respect when a boy asks far in advance, rather than assuming you’ll hang around waiting for him? And did you know that one of the ways you can tell a guy has got a Great Brain is by how far ahead he makes plans? All true, and not just in middle school.
Yet you’re right, there will be many times you must say No. The details don’t change all that much as we get older, and some adults are still learning it. May this primer help you in middle school and beyond.
When To Say No:
There are at least five situations where No needs saying:
—You don’t feel ready to go with boys;
—You don’t want to go at all, or you don’t want to go with the boy who’s asking;
—You’d rather go with friends;
—You already made other plans with friends, another boy, or to do something else;
—You want to go with that boy, but he waited too long to ask.
How To Say No:
—Be Kind: Thirty years later, I recall it clearly: walking into a room full of seventh-graders who were pointing and laughing at me and passing around my “Would you like to go to the dance with me?” note. I had invited a boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance (a dance where girls ask the boys), and that was how I found out his answer was No.
Because boys are usually the Askers, many boys and men have a lot more stories like that than I do—stories of cruelties they did not deserve and the resulting emotional scars that make it hard for them to take a chance on other girls. Don’t leave a scar on a boy; keep your No private and polite. The rest of your life, all your relationships will depend on kindness and respect if you want to be happy. Practice with everyone you meet, just as you have until now.
—Be Clear. Boys tend to think they still have a chance if you’re not totally clear with them that No means Absolutely Not. They’ll just try harder and waste your time. Being clear is not cruel, it’s just honest.
—Be Honest. Don’t spill the details of why you’re saying No, but don’t make up details that lie to him, either. I remember saying I wasn’t going to a dance, when really, I was waiting for another boy I liked more to ask me. Guess what happened? When the truth emerged, the first boy didn’t just feel rejected, which is a part of life—, he also felt fooled, which was my fault.
—Be Respectful & Teach Others To Respect You: Say No To The Late Asker. It’s hard to say No to a boy you like, but if he asked fewer than four days before the dance, that’s a No. Maybe his parents didn’t teach him yet, or he wasn’t thinking about you much, or he thought you’d be waiting around for him, or he couldn’t make a plan, or he wasn’t brave enough to ask sooner. Whatever the reason, it’s not good. Waiting for Late Askers keeps you from making plans and living your own life, keeps you nervous, and keeps you from requiring the respect you must have. Respect yourself and teach others to respect you by saying No, and by making plans with friends at least three days before the dance so you respect your friends, too.
—If No Must Be Said, Say It—Even If It’s Going To Hurt His Feelings. You’re so concerned about others, I can imagine you saying Yes to avoid hurting a guy’s feelings. That will save some pain now, but it wastes everyone’s time and hurts him more later. Plus, it’s not honest. Do what is *really* kind to both of you: Just Say No.
What To Say:
—“Thank you for asking me” is the beginning of your No. By saying thank you, you are acknowledging the risk he made for you and the compliment he paid to you.
—“but I’ve got other plans.” Look, rejection hurts. Giving the guy a reason or a detailed answer will either give him false hope, or sound even more hurtful. So keep it short.
Put it all together: “Thank you for asking me, but I’ve got other plans.”
What To Say To Late Askers and Nosey Boys:
—When a boy waited too long and now you have plans or your mother won’t let you say Yes, give him some encouragement for next time, without lecturing him about what he did wrong:
“I wish I could go with you, but I’ve already got other plans. But I would like to go with you another time.”
—When a boy hints that if you aren’t going with another guy, you should be going with him, or demands to know specifics of why you won’t go with him, that is rude. It’s also none of his beeswax. No boy has any right to know what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, or who you’re doing it with. Your plan might be to go to the dance with girlfriends, or with another guy, or to stay home baking cakes and reading stories—but they’re your plans, not his, and he is not allowed to demand that you tell him, or to argue that since you aren’t going with another boy, you have to go with him. You can say this and then walk off:
“I don’t want to discuss it, but thank you again for inviting me.”
Sweet Girl, as you grow up, I feel excited, but also a little sad. Excited, because womanhood is wonderful and I am so proud of who you are and who you are growing to be. Sad, because you deserve more of girlhood before you approach the joys and cares of womanhood. I hope you’ll follow through on your brilliant idea to go to many dances with your friends and just enjoy being a girl, without the complications of romance.
In the meantime, I’m chaperoning the dances. And awaiting all your questions.
With all my heart,
Mom
*This happened last week. My daughter gave permission for me to publish this, as long as I didn’t use her name. She is quite a girl, and this article is dedicated to her and all the other girls and boys her age. And the valiant parents who are raising them.
Related LoveScience articles:
The scientific bases for this week’s article have been covered before; I hope you enjoy re-reading some of these:
Prefrontal cortex development: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/young-love-young-marriage.html
How To Break Up: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/texting-your-breakup-whether-when-how-why.html
How To Tell If She’s Really Into You: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-tell-shes-just-not-that-into-you-or-captain-clueless.html
Readers Sound Off: How to tell us you *aren’t* into us: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-how-to-tell-shes-just-not-that-into-you-or-captain-cl.html
Whether, When, How, and How Often to talk to your kids about S-E-X: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-kids-have-questionsyouve-got-answers.html
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com. You’ll get a confidential, personal response, and if your letter is ever used on-site, your name and identifying information will be altered and your letter will be edited prior to publication.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.