The Ex Files: How and why to get along with your former mate
by Joan Norton, J.D.
Although childless couples often find there is really nothing left to interact over, if you have children, divorce changes rather than ends the relationship you share. Your happiness now rests on making your divorce succeed even if your marriage failed. But how?
1. Make a U-Turn: From intimate partners to business acquaintances
Once upon a time, perhaps many years ago, you and your Ex probably started out as acquaintances. You went from knowing little about one another to gradually forming the emotional attachment called intimacy. You likely enjoyed its positive aspects, including high levels of caring and trust.
But when the relationship dissolved and positive intimacy disappeared, negative intimacy remained. Like an invisible lasso, anger, bitterness, the desire for revenge, or unfounded hopes that the former spouse will return can tie a couple together just as surely as their love once did.
Continuing emotional attachments to your Ex keeps your life in limbo, consuming your energy and preventing you from finding happiness and a new, better relationship. And continuing to battle means your adult vendettas affect your children deeply: Ongoing parental conflict is the #1 cause of suffering, stress, and maladjustment in children of divorce.
So turn around:
It will feel strange at first, but treating your former intimate as a business partner or acquaintance is your ticket to a happy future.
Consciously rewind your relationship back to its early stages of acquaintanceship when the emotional climate was more formal, polite, structured, cooperative, limited, and somewhat impersonal —or at least a lot less personal than it is now.
An acquaintance is the pharmacist, the waiter, or the business associate we interact with only for work. When we speak to the pharmacist, we give her the prescription, and she fills it. The pharmacist presents us with the bill, and we pay it. If the pharmacist asks how we’re doing, we reply, “Fine, thank you,” even if we’re having a lousy day. Business associates do their business courteously and efficiently while maintaining a low emotional profile.
You and your former mate are now business partners in life’s ultimate enterprise, a shared career your divorce does not dissolve: parenting. Now that you’re divorced, cut the intimacy and start behaving as business partners in a business-like acquaintanceship even if your feelings disagree; behave formally, politely, non-emotionally, and (wherever possible) cooperatively.
2. Disengage Your Emotions: Some suggestions
Clearly, there’s no automatic breaker switch to flip. Even in the healthiest of cases, it generally takes about 18 months to turn off that physical “alarm” that is triggered each time we see our former mate or hear his or her voice on the telephone.
But even if your feelings lag behind, your actions must show disengagement so you can have a better life. How can you get your emotions to follow suit?
—Tear Up the “Intimacy Contract”
Focus on your children and your role as their parent. Mentally tear up the “intimacy contract” with your Ex. Consciously replace it with a new contract as business partners for the purpose of raising healthy, well-adjusted children.
—Find New Sources of Emotional Support
Make new friends, join a faith community, find a formal or informal divorce support group, and reconnect with family members whose company you enjoy. Avoid leaning on your children for emotional support, however. It’s vitally important to reassure your children you will take care of them (not the other way around) and to stay firmly in the “parent position.”
—Work on You
Working on yourself can mean taking a class, learning a new skill or taking up a hobby. It can also mean doing some important emotional work to ready yourself for your new life, such as learning ways to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and manage anger. Not only are your children counting on you to minimize and avoid fighting with your Ex, you’re probably weary of it, too.
—Turn Your Attention Outward
Research shows that when we focus on the needs of others instead of our own, we receive much more than we give away. Whether it’s volunteering at your child’s school or cutting the lawn for an elderly neighbor, we are happier when we are needed and connected with others.
—Explore Resources
This could mean finding a therapist, reading a book, or taking a specialty course for divorced parents online. Your county’s Domestic Relations Office can be a goldmine of information, as well as your state’s Department of Family Services.
—Make a Temporary Clean Break
Having no direct contact with your Ex for a finite timeframe can help you jump-start the new business-like relationship. But cutting your Ex completely out of your life is a poor permanent solution because children need the love, guidance, and support of both parents for their optimal development. Of course, the exception to this is when your Ex creates an unsafe or abusive situation for your child. In that case, abuse specialists are available via the telephone without charge; the number in the US and Canada is 1-800-799-SAFE.
3. Change The Game: Courtesy and respect—no matter what
Give this one 10 gold ***stars***. In your new role as professional business partners, you must treat each other with courtesy and respect. No matter what.
While business partners may differ significantly in the way they think and live, they do not interrupt, ridicule, criticize, or raise their voices in anger at one another. These are signs of negative intimacy. As you now know, intimacy has no place in your new business-like relationship.
Otherwise known as the “Fake It ‘Til You Make It” plan, this rule does require a good deal of faking —at least initially— to respond with a kind word to a sarcastic one when your instinct is to hurl and spit insults.
However, responding with kindness is marvelously empowering. No matter how your Ex behaves, your plan of action remains clear and unchanged. You don’t need to wait helplessly by, hoping your Ex will act like less of a jerk tomorrow than yesterday, nor do you have to accept cruel language directed at you. You can simply be kind and respectful yourself and set a boundary to speak later if your business partner crosses the line: “I want to discuss Sasha’s game schedule with you; let’s do it tomorrow.”
It feels good to be the bigger person. You can come away from the interaction feeling good about how you handled yourself, free of any guilt or regrets.
As a big bonus, treating your Ex with courtesy models positive social behavior that will carry your children through their own future relationships, and it offers an island of safety to your child. While your Ex’s behavior may remain frightening and unpredictable, the child knows that you will always remain in control and speak respectfully. One fool is better than two!
In short, your path to freedom involves emotionally disengaging from your Ex and behaving courteously as you collaborate in the ongoing business of parenting. Many people have done this even after the bitterest of divorces.
Join them; make your divorce work even though your marriage didn’t. Your children will be happier, and you will, too.
About Joan Norton, J.D.:
Ms. Norton is the creator and managing editor of TXparent.com, a website offering online resources to divorced, separated, and never-married parents. TxParent.com presents The Texas Cooperative Parenting Course: Happy Children, 2 Homestm, the only online parenting course written by a Texas Domestic Relations Office and court-approved to help divorced couples learn ways to end conflict and successfully co-parent children between 2 homes. Norton resides in Austin, Texas, with her husband, daughter, and West Highland Terrier.
The author wishes to acknowledge the following scientists and sources:
Interparental Discord and Child Adjustment: Prospective Investigations of Emotional Security as an Explanatory Mechanism (Child Development, vol. 77, issue 1, pp. 132-152 Jan/Feb 2006) by http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00861.x/full
The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive
Marital Conflict and Support Seeking by Parents in Adolescence: Empirical Support for the Parentification Construct by Tara S. Peris, Marcie C. Goeke-Morey, E. Mark Cummings, and Robert E. Emery
Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D., for his research on Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment
Child Trends for summarizing research findings on the relationship between father involvement and child outcomes.
Recommended Reading:
Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life: A Reasoned, Practical Guide to the Legal, Emotional and Financial Ins and Outs of Negotiating a Divorce Settlement
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child
Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two
If this article inspired, educated, assisted or elevated your understanding of relationships, please click “share article” below to distribute to your favorite social media websites.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and Love Science Media, 2011.
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Reader Comments (34)
Misty, I want to congratulate both you and David on welcoming your Exes' participation in your children's lives regardless of how you may personally regard the former spouse.
Misty, you learned from very sad example how awful it is to be separated from your other parent by lies. You'll never know what could have been, but you'll see to it that your daughter does not have that same issue. Just as David and his Ex prevented that issue for their children.
Now let's help her not to have *other* issues surrounding her dad's no-show days.
I agree with David's recommendation to help your daughter be kind and respectful to your Ex. While you're doing that, help her to understand that when your Ex fails to show interest in her (or to show up at all), that it is *not* her fault. A safe thing to say is, "Dad isn't here today, but it is not because of anything you did or did not do. You are a great kid and it's not your fault when he isn't here. Let's find something else to do today!"
While researching the abuse articles, I came across some research-based recommendations that you not cover up for your Ex by lying on his behalf. Lying for him can teach your child to distrust her intuition and herself.
For instance, just as it's inappropriate to say anything mean-spirited about him, it's also a disservice to your daughter if you lie and say he had a business call at the last minute and could not get to your house to pick her up.
Instead, the recommendation is to tell her it's not her fault, and to leave it at that. I know a little girl whose dad has done this so well (when the mom does not show), that at the tender age of 10 that child is now able to say: "Oh, well, Mom didn't show today. Let's go to the park." If you ask her how she feels, she says, "Well, I love Mom and I know she loves me, but I also know that sometimes she does not show up when she says she will and it's not my fault."
Well done to that dad!
And because he doesn't pick a fight with the mom--or tell his daughter horrific things about her--everyone is getting along.
David, thank you for your heart-felt apology; takes a big person to do that, and I value you and your participation here. You were upset by a situation that has cut to your core via the pain your wife endured when she was wrongly and falsely separated from her own father. Strong emotions can create strong reactions.
I took down the comments at your request, although you made good points about the very serious nature of wrongfully, hastily or negligently revoking parents' rights to participate fully in their children's upbringing. I hope that my response to all (above) addressed those concerns.
Thank you again for your support and for writing in. I hope you will feel welcome in the future.
Research supports the idea that children need time with both parents. Children in *non-abusive* situations do benefit vastly from dual custody and from knowing the love, support, and guidance of both parents. The course at TXparent.com presents an entire section on "Why Two Parents Matter."
There are many reasons, but here's one that stuck with me: Children look to both of their parents to develop a sense of their roots and to discover more about themselves. Children need contact with their parents in order to develop their own objective view of their parents' strengths and weaknesses. A great deal of a person's traits and talents are hereditary. Children make comparisons between themselves and their parents. Knowing one's parents well helps a child sort out his or her own identity in relation to each parent.
When a parent is unavailable to his or her child, the child feels anxiety and self-blame. "What is wrong with me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why doesn't Mom (or Dad) love me ...?" Other important reasons for the continued (non-abusive) involvement: Boys in particular need their fathers to have someone who understands the unique experience and feelings of growing up as a male. They benefit from time spent with their fathers learning about male interests, skills, activities and social behaviors. Studies have shown the father's involvement in nurturing his children to be so important it is irreplaceable by any substitute, whether the substitute is the state, a grandparent, male friend, or stepparent.
Additionally, children with 2 involved parents have a better chance of financial security, stronger self-image, and increased scholastic performance. They experience less anxiety, less negative feelings about themselves and others, less social and behavioral problems, and feel better about life in general.
Benefit to the Parent
Involvement in the child's life not only benefits the child; it benefits the parent. The absence of a parent works against a happy and satisfying life for the children. Similarly, the absence of one's child from a parent's life usually represents a painful guilt, longing, and emptiness. Sometimes neither the parent nor the child recognizes that they are missing a part of themselves, and that they need to know each other to be healthy and whole. The mother's welcoming of the father's participation makes a huge difference in his effectiveness as a father. When a mother promotes a relationship between the child and the father, she is more likely to strengthen her own relationship with the child because the child will not feel resentment that she has attempted to prevent the child from knowing the father.
The above information is excerpted from The Texas Cooperative Parenting Course Online, chapter 2 "Why 2 Parents Matter."
For more information and articles, links to free resources, or to take the course online please visit TXparent.com. I *especially* recommend the free video "Kids in the Crossfire," which shows the effects of parental fighting from the child's viewpoint. Powerful with a capital "P." Go to www.TXparent.com and click the link on the right-hand side. Only about 3-4 minutes long.
Duana, thank you for allowing me to be a guest author at Love Science. I'm a huge fan of your work. You have helped me many times, and I enjoy learning and improving. You have a fantastic group of readers and contributors, as well. Best wishes to everyone.
<p><A href=”http:// www.txparent.com “> The Texas Cooperative Parenting Course Online </A> – Happy Children, 2 Homes™, a parenting course online made for Texans, equips divorced, separating, or never-married parents with skills to end conflict and successfully co-parent children between 2 homes.</p>
Perfectly summarized, Joan. Parents need their kids--kids need both their parents. As for admiration, the feeling is mootual. Thank you for all the in-depth work you've done and shared here with Love Science's Wise Readers.
I would like to know what to do with my son when he doesn't want to go with his father. I feel bad when I have to make him go. I think my ex just ignores him. Sometimes my son says he gets yelled out. Well. I can see that because my ex doesn't know how to handle frustrations. I like this column. I wish I would have known some things years ago. Thank you to Duana Welch from Sharla T.
Hi, Sharla,
Thank you for a question I'm sure many share. I would start by recommending the books by Isolina Ricci (Mom's House, Dad's House book series), and also finding out what all the root causes are for your son not wanting to see his father.
Once you know, with certainty, what your son's objections are, you and Dad are in a good position to mutually determine the best way to make Dad's house and environment more inviting to your son. If you can't mutually agree, then Joan's recommendation about mediation is a great way to go.
Two more points related to your comment are these:
--A lot of parents get into blow-ups because the other partner is doing things differently from how they would prefer; a major source of parental fights is argument over whose way should prevail at both houses. But kids can and do adapt to different parenting styles in different households; and they can do it much more easily if Mom and Dad will keep the kids *out* of the middle and if Mom and Dad will have the business-like relationship that precludes fighting to begin with.
--Sooner or later, our kids have the option of *not* spending time with us unless the child wants it. In families where parents stay married, this choice may not seem obvious to the kids until they are grown and independent. But in homes of divorce, kids figure out much more readily that actually, they don't have to spend time with a monstrous person unless the kid wants to! The courts commonly take *the child's preference* into account by the time children are 10 years old.
So, a 15-year-old in a traditional intact family would not usually deduce a way to avoid Mom or Dad. But that same 15-year-old whose parents are divorced will decide, usually with full legal backing, not to spend time with a parent who is unkind, disrespectful, etc.
This is not said to indicate that parents should be kowtowing toadies to their children. Rather, the reward of responsive, responsible, loving and engaged parenting is kids who actually choose to spend time with us once they are grown. Kids of divorce may make the choice even sooner than others.
Kindness & Respect...Kindness & Respect...Kindness & Respect... there's just no way around it.
Thank you for your question, Sharla, and for letting me delve a bit into those additional areas.
Dear Sharla: I agree 100% with Duana's recommendations, and would like to add only a few comments.
First, some very good things are already happening here: Your son has a Mom who cares about his happiness and well-being, and a Dad who's willing to be involved his life. Granted, we would like to improve the quality of the environment with Dad, but the fact that he's willing to participate is *huge*.
As quoted in The Texas Cooperative Parenting Course online at www.txparent.com:
"Studies show that 2 years after parental separation or divorce, nearly 50% of non-custodial parents see their children only once a year or less."
Tragic! Because as explained in previous posts, both mother and father are essential to a child's development and well-being. Let's find a way to get your ex positively and happily involved, so father and son can enjoy their time together.
As Duana suggests, I agree you could do some detective work to find out why your son objects to his "Dad time." Just ask him. Once you figure out the sticking points, you can work with your ex (using the mantra "Kindness and Respect") to solve it.
As suggested in the course, using neutral language that focuses on the child's needs could be your key to success. For example, "Junior feels ignored when he just watches TV at your house. What do you think about taking him hiking?" Compare that to, "You NEVER pay any attention to Junior!! What kind of rotten father are you ...?" and you see the point.
If yelling is the problem, you could say, "Junior feels upset when he's yelled at. I'd like to know more about your expectations when he's at your house ... I'd like us to agree on ways to discipline and guide our son without yelling." You get the idea.
Also, try to look at it from your ex's perspective. Junior may not have communicated with him; your Ex may not have any idea that anything is wrong. Hence, a cardinal rule of your new business-like relationship: No assumptions.
Maybe you'll discover the uncomfortable feeling is nothing your son can exactly put his finger on. Could it be he feels like a visitor at his Dad's house ? As the course suggests, every child needs some space in each home that is his alone, even if it is merely a corner or section of a room, and not a whole room. Ask your ex to allow your son to set up a place for his memorabilia, artwork, and pictures. Also, have some items such as a toothbrush, toiletries, and clothing that stay at your ex's house. In these ways, your son will feel more at home in 2 homes. (And, by the way, I agree with Duana's recommendation of the book "Mom's House, Dad's House." It's full of such practical tips.)
Another idea is to keep the connection going between visits. Encourage your son to call, email, or text his Dad during the week to let him know good news like a good grade at school or an upcoming sports event. If your ex is good at math, could he help your son with a homework problem, even over the phone? Your ex will feel more included if you can get him involved in your son's school. I don' t know your son's age, but younger kids love it when parents have lunch with them at school, or participate in school programs such as "Watch Dogs Dads," science fairs, career days, and the like.
Try to find the skill your ex has where he can shine, and where he can teach something important to your son (camping? building? learning to swim?). Even if they start with playing "Jeopardy" together on the Wii (or some other game they enjoy) at least they're interacting. Then, they can move away from the TV and on to board games, outdoor activities, and maybe group sports. Maybe it's just errands around town or yard work, but encourage your ex to make one-on-one time a priority. ("Wow! You guys bagged 20 bags of leaves. That's some awesome teamwork!)
Thank you for writing, Sharla, and I hope these suggestions from both Duana and me gave you some ideas. You are the expert on your own son, so use your intuition and ask questions to identify what's really bothering him. And then use kindness and respect to speak with your ex and see how you can turn this thing around to create a win/win situation for your son *and* his parents.
P.S. While working this out yourselves is ideal, a neutral 3rd party can be a great help, too. Sometimes it's easier to hear information from an "authority" rather than from our ex. There are resources listed at www.txparent.com; additionally, your child's school counselor may be willing to meet with your ex to discuss your son's situation. I've learned that some schools will do this, especially when the home situation is affecting the child's school performance. Some districts have discussion/counseling groups for the students having difficulty due to divorce. Best wishes to you, Sharla.
Dear Sharla:
What Joan said!
Thank you. From Sharla.