Wise Readers,
Remember Nina, whose continual intimacy Gap with Sean is giving her grief? Turns out Opposite Personalities are the top source of unsolvable relationship problems, but they’re not the only one. Many of you wrote to say you and your spouse have the *same* profile on Fisher’s Personality Test —yet still you’ve got constant differences that have you wondering: “What happened? Did I marry my Opposite?”
Well, yes. In a sense, we *all* do. Because although similarity is the foundation for finding the best life partner, there are as yet no cloned couples. No matter how similar to our spouse we may be, differences remain. And every perpetual problem begins with that term.
In fact, John and Julie Gottman’s nearly four decades of tracking couples shows that solving most problems is not an option. For any given couple,* happy or not*, 69% of our troubles will never go away. All contend with chronic issues from the annoying to the dire, including differences in emotionality (ala Nina and Sean), lifestyle preference, values, neatness, organization, independence, how and with whom to spend time and money, how and how often to have sex, household chores, involvement and discipline of the children, activity level, people orientation, decision-making, ambition and work, religion, drug and alcohol use, and marital fidelity.
And switching partners just switches us to a new set of unsolvable problems. Sigh.
Yet the implication is remarkably liberating: Despite the popular belief that Irreconcilable Differences are *the* reason to leave a marriage, *you don’t have to solve your problems to be happy.
So the question isn’t how to solve your problems, but how to Be Happy Anyway.
First, identify Gridlock.
—Have you followed the steps outlined in our articles about Difficult Women and Difficult Men, but the problem is still there—the negativity, rampant?
—Does the problem feel very painful and intense?
—Are discussions about the issue humorless, affectionless, and lacking in empathy?
—Do you or your mate feel like the entire problem is caused by the other person?
—Does the word “selfish” spring to mind when you think about one another and this issue?
—Do you sometimes feel disrespected by or disrespectful of your partner around this issue?
—Do you feel unliked, nevermind unloved—or feel that way towards your mate?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you’re Stuck (Gridlocked, the Gottmans say), and the real issue is no longer the problem itself, but the loss of friendship between you.
And—provided that both parties have the capacity for kindness and respect— that is a problem we *can* solve.
Second, manage your Chronic Condition.
Nobody wants diabetes, but for millions it’s a fact of life. Those who ignore it wind up with horrendous complications ranging from double amputations to death, and those who can and will manage it wind up on the U.S. Supreme Court or playing pro football or entertaining millions. Or just living effective, great lives in bodies that work for them.
Similarly, ignoring relationship problems is deadly. And happy couples have figured out that since there’s no cure for their own Chronic Conditions, they must protect the foundation of their relationship by Managing how they think about and discuss these problems.
Here’s what they don’t do:
—They don’t ignore the problem or one another.
—They avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and/or stonewalling.
—They don’t decide –even mutually— that one of them can be right and have her needs catered to while the other must be wrong and have his needs ignored.
And here is what they do, in this order: Accept, Understand, Compromise.
— Acceptance is the first step towards compromise. Happy couples would rather their problems disappeared, but they know it’s not going to happen. So they accept their differences as part of the over-all package. They get it: Nobody’s perfect, and some of the things they dislike about their mate (emotional stoicism) are the same things they love (strength and reliability in all circumstances).
—Happy couples take steps to understand one another. When you learned about each other’s personalities, you already made some progress because you now understand that some of the basic differences between you aren’t personal. They’re simply core to who you are—facts of life, not feats of lovelessness.
The method the Gottmans have found most effective? Teaching couples to really listen to one another. Each person takes a turn speaking/listening about the issue for 15 minutes before shifting roles.
The goal isn’t problem-solving, but uncovering the longing buried in the conflict—which develops friendship and reduces pain and distance. The listener asks questions aimed at understanding what’s behind the issue for their mate: “What makes this so important for you? Is there a way this relates to your history?” And the speaker expresses the yearning and history hidden behind the issue: “I’m a really tender, emotional person. I yearn for physical affection and long talks and asking me about my day. Not having that reminds me of my dad, who didn’t even bother with eye contact.”
—Finally, happy couples reach a temporary compromise. They are unwilling to crush one another to have their own way; instead, they support one another at the highest level they can. This can range from just expressing verbal support (“I respect your longing for more emotional intimacy.” “I can learn more about being intimate the way you want it.”) to financial support, to joining their partner at some level (“I’ll devote every Saturday evening to just the two of us for the next month.” “I’ll stop what I’m doing and hug you when you come home from work.”).
Third, lather, rinse, repeat to Be Happy Anyway.
Just as most problems are never-ending, acceptance, understanding and compromise are temporary and must be revisited again. And again. And again. Because the issue is, after all, Chronic. But the unhappiness doesn’t have to be.
Cheers,
Duana
*This article is intended only for those who are married or in permanent relationships. If you’re Still Looking, Don’t Settle!
The author thanks and acknowledges the following sources:
—John Gottman and Julie Gottman, authors of outstanding research-based long-term-love relationship books And Baby Makes Three and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . Both books cover the concepts in this article in much greater detail.
— Helen Fisher, author of Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type .
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Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2010