Wise Readers, if breaking up should be done in person…why do so many people do it remotely (or not at all)? It’s about the payoff…
Read on!
From Gabriel C:
Texting breakup! A big NO NO! Unless you know the other party has a 45 cocked and loaded with a bullet that has your name on it! LOL. Or maybe if the other party has a stun gun set at 10 Amp kill. hahah Texting is used for too many personal things these days. Breakup, firings, employment rejection, etc… It takes the edge off a bit of feeling anguish for delivering such sad news I guess.
Duana’s response:
Hi, Gabriel,
Thank you for your response. In private, I get a lot of messages that amount to: “He/she said they’d call again…then never did. Why couldn’t they just be honest and break up?”
The reason? Folks who ditch without discussion (or who send a note, etc.) tell me they do it because they’re scared of hurting the other person, think the other person will get over them more easily without being officially broken-up with, or they just want to avoid a confrontation.
That’s why I worded the questionnaire from the break-ee’s point of view. How do people want to be broken up with? In person. The idea of simply being walked away from, sans any explanation or information, is wounding, confusing, and angering.
But probably, a lot of these same individuals will opt to end things from afar, if they even say anything. Studies show (and I’ll bet your own life does as well) that it’s much easier to deliver bad news remotely than in person. Anything with emotional payoff is destined to happen again; that’s one of the most basic, solid findings in behavioral science. To the extent that simply leaving a relationship without explanation is rewarding to the break-er, those wishing to end things will sometimes skip out sans even a goodbye.
You’re right, though. From an ethical and human standpoint, some things need to be done in person, even if difficult…including breaking up.
From Michelle N:
Duana, I just love your articles! I think you are tackling some very sensitive ‘current’ issues that people are dying to ask but have had no research on previously. I wish you continued success and I have a feeling we will be seeing more of you in the media in the near future. XOXOX, M
From Joan N:
Nice work - love it! I had answered the questionnaire on Survey Monkey (which I likewise thought was concise and well-done) and was interested to see that many people responded in like-mind to me. I think the break-up advice you gave is perfect, and beyond reproach.
The best line I ever received in a break-up was when an attorney I was dating in Dallas confessed, “You are a terrific person, but I’m just not in love with you.” Bam! That told me right where I stood. He would have happily continued spending time with me, but he respected me enough not to lead me on, knowing he had no intention of marrying me.
To this day, I still respect that guy for having the honor and forthrightness to just tell me. It was a variation of “I just don’t feel the way I need to feel to continue our relationship,” which you mention in the article, and which is impossible to argue with.
Duana’s response:
Michelle and Joan, thank you! You guys make it feel like this research is getting dusted off and put to some good in the world. I appreciate you.
Joan, Mr. Dallas sounds like a class act, and sounds like you know that, too. He could have just wasted your time, and didn’t. I admire that.
Folks, I’m taking a long-awaited honeymoon with my sweetheart until mid-August. Please feel free to write to me, and I’ll answer and post more when I return. Until then—all the best to you.
Cheers,
Duana
The article this Q&A is based on is here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-break-up-it-doesnt-have-to-be-that-hard-to-do.html
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com!
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2009, 2013