From Mocha’s Mom: —There Is An Industry That Makes Women Worse As Relationship Mechanics—
Mark and Ross, I wish you the best of luck in your relationships. Duana’s advice to you seems so sane and helpful that the only thing I might add is that if you can find the time to read _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ it might help you to help your Significant Others understand that you are on the same side they are on.
My second thought is that lesbians must spend a LOT of time discussing their relationship(s).
My third thought is that while society really, really, really expects women to maintain the social and emotional fabric of romantic and familial relationships, it’s pretty unusual for a woman to get sane ideas on how to do so from said society.
While this column is aimed at men coping with women, there’s also the issue of how we as women can cope with being given this responsibility without driving our mates crazy.
It is really hard to stand up under the pressure of _knowing_ that something is wrong in the relationship and not knowing how to verbalize it (much less come up with rational ways of solving or working with the problem).
BTW, my fave relationship book is _A Guide to Rational Living_ ( by Ellis and Harper). Apropos of nothing.
As long as we’re on the subject, I would say there is a huge, huge industry devoted to making women worse at being Relationship Mechanics. The problem Ross and Mark are talking about doesn’t occur in a vacuum; far from it.
A lot of TV shows, books, and movies dealing with relationships and aimed at women do their best to teach us gals to use a lot of pseudo-psychological terminology and to judge our own performance on things like whether or not we “get closure on a specific issue.”
I really feel for Ross and Mark, because it must be hard to walk into a situation where your Relationship Mechanic has been thoroughly coached to demand a level of instant understanding and functionality that is only occasionally actually attainable.
Not to mention the large number of terrible, terrible relationship books that women are encouraged to give to their husbands as assigned reading. If a woman is in the unfortunate position of being home alone during the day (because telecommuting while breastfeeding is so gosh-darned easy-peasy), she is likely to turn on the TV just to hear adults talking, and then she will wind up with a big pile of well-packaged bull cookies that she’s been primed to hit her spouse with the second he gets home.
And as long as this has turned into a big ol’ rant: Seriously, it is hard enough to figure out how to address relationship problems, but then Redbook or Cosmo hits you with a quiz “proving” that you aren’t doing a good enough job as RM. It’s like a punch in the gut every time you read a mag at the hairdresser!
It ain’t just your Significant Other, fellows — there’s a whole industry making her nutty bit by bit. Don’t blame the messenger, blame Dr. Phil, and hurt him personally if possible.
Empowered and knowledgeable women are the bain of many industries. The wedding-industrial complex, the weight-loss industry, and the “we have to keep your relationship in a constant state of failure to sell you stuff” business.
Okay, end rant. For now.
Duana’s response:
Excellent rant, M.M. And by the way, research backs up your guess that lesbians process their issues way more than straights; and heteros process more than gay male couples, in general. Some exceptions apply, see your own relationship manual for details.
I also appreciate your identifying social/cultural pressures that place an unrealistic emphasis on solving every problem. Many relationship problems—no, most—aren’t solvable, even for happy couples. That fact doesn’t get enough air time. But here’s more information: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/solving-your-unsolvable-problems-what-happy-couples-know.html
And I’m writing a column on Difficult *Men* that should give women a bit more realism in keeping the entire relationship from becoming a Problem.
Since you ranted, here’s mine: In my observation, there’s not only an industry that reduces women’s Relationship Mechanic skills, but one that effectively models rudeness for children…hurting the kids’ chances of eventually building strong intimate relationships, since happy relationships *require* kindness and respect, practiced consistently.
Children are proven to process televised information differently than adults do, and children thus have few defenses against the rude, callous, bratty behavior that is typical of mainstream TV programming. Experiments show that the worst outcome of TV for kids is not obesity, type 2 diabetes, correlated and experimental violence in real life, or unwarranted fears that make kids afraid of harmless others—although those are all outcomes. No, the worst outcomes are that TV *causes* less compassion and concern for others, and TV replaces real life—including face-to-face interactions kids have to have in order to make their own relationships work someday.
Rant over.
For now. ;)
From Candi:
Nice to read something that explains one of the differences between men and women in such a concise and non-derogatory and humorous way. Dr. Welch is absolutely right about the woman minding the machine of the relationship, always there with alarm bells and warning lights ready to go off whenever needed. We’re not just trying to make noise, there is a reason for it. We just need our mechanic at the ready to go in to set things right again.
I’ll also agree that I’ve read Gottman’s books and agree that he is a genius! Great job with the article Duana!
Duana’s response:
Thank you, Candi. Interestingly, there are also some men who enjoy being the relationship mechanics; and there are women who stonewall, although it’s rare. (I’m guilty—or was. Fortunately, these skills are easy to learn!)
From Louise:
Dear Dr. Duana,
I have to admit that I had become and potentially continue to be one of those “difficult” women; however, my second (and forever) husband showers me with such an “ongoing attitude of respect” that it’s a challenge for me to be my former difficult self! I really appreciate your insight and research on this subject. Keep up the great work!
Duana’s Response:
Louise, thank you—and kudos to you on being openly grateful for the good man in your life. Sounds like you two have found what works.
From Gabriel C:
Difficult women are generally good hearted women. Looking out for the relationship and valuing the little nuances that made a relationship possible with her. Most just want to make the experience as good as it can be. But I have seen the difficult woman with totally disruptive motives and deceitful agendas. Where lies fly and responsibility is not taken for actions and inactions. Same could be said about some Difficult Men. These I hope are the exceptions to truly being just difficult with sincere motives. Men, just listen to and consider the challenge because accepting some difficulty may make life much sweeter in the sheets, bath, shower, golf course…. HAHAHA. Just like a guy huh!
Duana’s response:
I love your thoughts, Gabriel. And yes…life is much better sexually for men who know how to Deal! Sometimes the cultural truths are Major Truths, and here’s one:
When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. (Including Mr. Happy.)
From Tracey Louis:
Men and women get so frustrated with the gender differences, don’t they? I like this column because it illustrates the well-meaning intentions and purposes of the behaviors (you know, the things that make us pull our hair out because our partner doesn’t get it!). Until you walk a mile in their shoes…
From Christine:
I love the Mechanic analogy, it fits perfectly!!
This is one of my favorite articles (so far). There is so much valuable information, and it gives me an entirely different outlook on talking to a guy about relationship things.
Anyways, can’t wait for the next one!
xoxo-Christine
Duana’s response:
Why thank you, Ms. Tracey and Christine. Much obliged. Thanks for reading and contributing, and I’ll be back next week with more LoveScience. See you then.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012.
The Dealing With Your Difficult Woman article these comments came from is here: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman-1.html
Other LoveScience articles that refer to Gottman’s work and the topics of getting along with your mate can be found at this link:
The author wishes to thank John Gottman and his bookThe 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.