Wise Readers,
Last week’s column about gift-giving really hit a nerve on Ye Olde Provider/Protector turf. What if you’re a guy who grew up without Gifts—or who really hates the calendar telling you when to buy? Why *isn’t* it a good strategy to just focus on the positives or do charity work if you get a Bad Gift? Under what circumstances *don’t* women care so much about Gifts? When men give grudgingly, are they truly showing a lack of willingness that can add up to neglect in a marriage? And are some women just impossible to please?
Read on!
—What If You’re A Guy Who Grew Up Without Gifts/Hate Having The Calendar Tell You When To Buy?—
From Vincent:
I am one of those guys who has absolutely no clue what to buy someone. I did not grow up in a household of gift giving, so it was not something I “learned” or cared about to learn. Receiving gifts was not very important either. To add to my deficiency in this arena, my last wife returned everything that I bought, including flowers. Eventually I stopped buying.
Mind you, I did not see this as a sign I did not love the person I was with. I would buy pretty much what I could afford whenever the person I loved wanted something, not just on holidays which I saw pretty much as a marketing ploy to buy because I “had to”.
I am very fortunate now that I have a very understanding and appreciative wife who not only is patient in teaching me, but more importantly provides me a list of what she wants. I still don’t like the idea that the calendar dictates that I buy presents at a particular time of the year, but I love giving her what she wants. This seems to work for us.
Duana responds:
Hi, Vincent,
Glad you’ve found a workable solution in your good marriage. I think your point about wanting to please and just needing some direction is great. I also love your point about resisting buying just because the calendar says it’s time. I think that’s actually a big source of unhappiness for both women and men at certain holidays, particularly Valentine’s Day. The guy resents being told by Hallmark that he must spend money; the woman resents his resentment; and so it goes.
Sounds like you reached a realization that is working for you, and which I’m guessing would work for many: Give a gift anyway. Yeah, maybe the marketers don’t deserve your largesse, but neither do you deserve the pain of living with an Unhappy Woman!
BTWay, I also like that your wife is willing to simply tell you what she wants, and not be offended about it. You’ve made clear that gifts weren’t part of how you were raised, and she Gets It that that is not about her. Kudos to you both for working it out.
—Why Not Just Focus On The Positives If You Get A Bad Gift?—
From CJ:
…. There are both men and women who are bad gift givers, but there are also bad gift *receivers*.
If you are really having *THAT* much heartburn about how much or how big or how elaborate the gift was that someone bought you, please take a step back and realize the selfish, child-like behavior. Maybe instead of having unrealistically high expectations and being disappointed, buy presents and take them to a homeless shelter, or a children’s shelter, or a donation area. At least that way you will be making someone else happy who *appreciates* receiving good will and care of other humans.
I understand holidays are wonderful times to buy your loved ones gifts that show what they mean to you. Weighing your relationship on gifts, money, and volume of presents, though, is a horrible reflection of how much someone loves you. Remember, they are the ones who make your heart stop when they walk into the room.
Duana’s response:
Hi, CJ,
Although some gift recipients are ingrates, I cannot agree that all gift receivers who are hurt are being childish (if that’s what you’re saying). The woman who receives nothing at all because she’s been forgotten; the one who gets a household appliance dumped, unwrapped, in her lap; the one who gets a gift that she expressly does not want and has said she does not want—this and more I’ve seen with clients, and all of it conveys “You Either Don’t Know Me Or Don’t Care”.
Even if that’s not how the guy meant it.
Men who treat women that way are not, generally, behaving in a way that makes anyone’s heart stop!
Women who treat men that way are, oddly, often tolerated. I expect that’s because a) women rarely do that (just as men apply their own gift psychology to women, women do that to men—so women tend to give mushy gifts), and b) most men aren’t nearly as sensitive about gifts they receive (as the article explained).
Your idea to help those less fortunate and to count your blessings is a good one for life in general. But Gottman’s research shows that in happy marriages, women do not let insensitivity slide—they speak up, and they do it right away. They complain without criticizing.
(Earlier articles “Dealing With Your Difficult Woman” and “Dealing With Your Difficult Man” discuss that).
Ironically, the happiest couples are the ones where the women complain the most—but also give the most love and affection, at a rate of 20 times more affection than complaints.
Thank you for the food for thought!
—Are Gifts Really That Important Once You’re Happily Married? Do Men Who Stint Really Love? Are There Women Who Just Can’t Be Pleased? And What To Do About Either Situation?—
From Gillian:
Love this article, and what a timely post! :)
I’m fascinated by the distinction between a man’s “able-ness” and his “willingness” to provide. I went into my first marriage (to an attorney = provider in my mind) assuming that because he married me, he would provide for me. You know, the whole idea of 2 becoming 1 in marriage …
I was hell-bent on getting married, and not very good at reading the signs along the courtship way. Honestly, I didn’t even know to look for them. Well, here’s what happened:
On our wedding night, my new husband presented a DISCOUNT COUPON from the Passbook when we checked into the hotel!! I was mortified. I thought to myself, “Am I not worth paying full price? I feel so embarrassed! I feel like a whore standing here!!” This man had the means to pay; he just chose not to.
On our honeymoon in Europe, he cheaped out on everything. He was forever trying to chisel down prices and get deals. “Can we get a free breakfast with that…?” He insisted on renting a car in England because it was cheaper than taking cabs, and almost killed us driving on the wrong side of the road. One night, I fell asleep in the car, agreeing we would stop at a certain destination. When I awakened, I discovered we were 100 miles past! He had driven on to the place *he* wanted, disregarding our agreement and my request. I was so angry, I poured my Diet Coke down the inside of his jacket.
Anyway, there were lots of problems in the marriage, but here’s what ended it in under 3 years: My business was taking off and making money. One day, he came home from work and said, “Baby, I’d like to quit my job, and work in your business.”
In other words, he wanted to sit on the couch and watch basketball, while I worked …. Not!
I assumed that because he married me, he wanted to take care of me, and would share and provide for me. He certainly had the skills and education.
Don’t men “get” that providing is their job? Don’t they take pride in it? I guess the sad and painful truth (based on what I’ve learned in this excellent, eye-opening column) is that men put their resources where their love is … and my first husband really didn’t love me. :( Sigh.
As for my current husband, he is 100% committed. He doesn’t give me gifts because I don’t want or need them. When we were courting, he used to send me flowers constantly (from one of the classiest florists in town, which I liked), and I saved all the sweet cards. But now that we’re married, and he’s always there for me 100% throughout the year, expensive Christmas and birthday gifts seem unnecessary because it’s all coming out of the same pot anyway (ours).
Thanks for another brilliant and tremendously helpful article!
Duana’s response:
Gillian, I think the end of your post gets at something important that science seems not yet to have addressed:
Whether Gifts remain an important Sign after full love and commitment are established.
The research that exists is on dating couples, and it’s very clear that world-wide, women look for a man who will show his full love by taxing his own resources to provide something of enduring value that signifies a desire for marriage. In our culture that’s usually a diamond ring, and jewelry is popular in many parts of the world. In other cultures, the message might be conveyed by a man’s offer to provide livestock to the woman’s family.
So during courtship, women *are* seeking the expensive, meaningful Gift.
But. My guess is that *after* marriage, women only continue to make a huge honkin’ deal out of Gifts if things are going *badly* in the marriage.
As you point out, miserliness became a deal-breaker in your first marriage, but you neither want nor expect expensive gifts from your now-husband. He’s so good to you all the time (and, by the way, showed open love and commitment so consistently during your courtship) that you are relaxed about the Gift thing now.
I’ll bet that’s normal. If women are using Gifts as just one of many Signs of a man’s love and commitment—and we are—, then Gifts should become a relatively unimportant Sign once we’re really, really sure the love and commitment are there.
But if, even after the I Do’s, men are showing I Won’t—then I expect women to continue being very sensitive about the Gift thing. A great marriage can undo the need for the Great Gift. But the bad marriage makes Great Gifts all the more important for showing love and commitment that can bring the partnership back to a point of intimacy.
From Tom:
I was gonna elaborate on how useful the information in this article was … but then I got down to the comments section and read:
“Don’t men “get” that providing is their job? Don’t they take pride in it?”
and my jaw dropped and smashed my foot.
….Now that my foot is feeling better, I’ll elaborate.
Excellent article and I know that it’s accurate. I have given gifts that were really loved (like, a stuffed giant penguin to my soon-to-be wife 30 years ago) and really disliked (a practical item, that was *on wife’s list* for Xmas). I have given creative, meaningful gifts (a piece of artwork … it was a cast pewter “bean pod” with five metal beans, each having one word imprinted: “Throw - Caution - To - The - Wind” … the woman who received that reallyreally liked it ;-).
B-b-b-b-but I also get some other principles. I get that every gift recipient interprets the meaning of the gift differently. And I also get the principle of “just can’t get it right” when it comes to trying to coexist with some people.
You use a coupon at a restaurant/hotel to wisely steward resources, and all of a sudden you are a cheapskate. You buy something that was on her/his list, but now you aren’t creative enough or you aren’t paying attention to her/his real interests.
And I get that there really are unfeeling, unaware cheapskates. But I also get that some people are a little too quick in generating scenarios/narratives about the relationship (in the name of intuitiveness or perceptiveness) instead of trusting in the literal tangible words and actions. Sometimes a penguin is just a penguin.
I get that it’s men’s “job” to provide and protect. I used to take pride in that until I was informed numerous times that it wasn’t good enough. Now I just take pride in launching my sons into their own adulthood, and trying to advise them well about their own roles as good men. I tell them “Be Friendly and Be Generous” (TM) and I tell them that partnering with a woman doesn’t mean paying her living expenses for life, nor does it mean letting her define what is satisfactory or unsatisfactory in the way that you live together. If we are friendly and generous, and well-intentioned and engaged, then we will make it worth the while of a good woman. Only the woman who appreciates how *we* commit. There’s lots of other men in the sea, after all.
From Gillian:
I can’t speak for all women, but I can speak for me. There are 2 kinds of husbands in the world: Those who are willing to provide, and those who aren’t married to me anymore.
Duana’s response to Gillian & Tom:
Dear Gillian and Tom,
Thank you for your insightful perspectives. It sounds to me like you’ve both been unfairly taken advantage of as well as duly appreciated in your love lives, and that you’re closer to agreeing with one another’s ideas than to disagreeing.
Gillian, unfortunately, you’re right—your first husband didn’t love you, didn’t love you enough, or loved his money more than he loved you, none of which is workable. Your examples lead up to a pattern, and the pattern is not one of a man in love.
Each woman must choose a man who loves her as she needs to be loved. And for nearly all women, that means a man who will shepherd his resources—in ways that say, “I will protect you, come what may—I want to give; it’s a pleasure for me.” Certainly the loving man’s actions don’t shout out, “Yes, I Am Totally Cheap.”
As Tom points out and is passing on in his brilliant trademarked phrase, “Be Friendly & Be Generous.”
Here’s what extreme unwillingness looks like:
One female client of mine was atypically tolerant of her man’s tightness with money. During the courtship, he had her pay her half for meals, and she accepted that; he had her do most of the driving to come see him; he let her know he was All That by refusing to date only her. (Sexual exclusivity is a resource, too, and is one way men and women both gauge how Willing a partner is to love only them.)
And as we now know, these economic and social behaviors added up to his not really loving her very much. But she told herself, he’ll change.
He did change, all right—for the worse. Men who aren’t in love behave badly, and marriage only underscores the point. So after marriage, at his behest they split all bills, even though he made much, much more money and was therefore basically having his lifestyle subsidized by a poorer person. He also made out his will to provide almost nothing for her in the event of his death. And he was more than 20 years her senior!
Yep, he made sure he got her youth & beauty—but when she so much as hinted at getting resources that were far less than could be reasonably expected, he said, “Well, that’s prostitution.”
All this she tolerated, believing somehow that he really loved her.
Then the day came when she had to have surgery…and not only wouldn’t he pay, but he actually watched as she took a second job to cover her medical bills. The second job meant physical labor that endangered her recovery.
Here’s what she learned: A man who won’t provide is *literally* a dangerous man to commit to. She was on her own –unsupported and unprotected— in that marriage. And she learned it in a physically and emotionally painful way.
Only then, when her life was at stake, did her tolerance run out. I’m just glad she finally clued in before she needed on-going help to survive; he would sooner have put her down like a sick dog than taken care of her.
Now, that’s an extreme (and true) example, and it makes several points:
1. Men invest their money —freely and unstintingly—when they are really in love.
2. When a man will not pay during courtship, it is a Very Bad Sign and the woman is taking a Very Bad Risk, because men who do not love and commit with their hearts are dangerous.
3. Women therefore need to listen to their Gut about this. If he loves his money more than he loves you, he’s no catch.
4. If a woman feels herself capable of handling such a risk, she’d better hope she’s never sick or pregnant or vulnerable in such a relationship.
5. The time to figure all this out is when? During The Courtship.
But as Gillian and my client pointed out, sometimes we buy the “Splitting The Bill Is Fine” bunk. It’s not fine. Our cultural changes have dramatically outpaced our ancient inherited mating psychology, and in the case of provision and protection, that mating psychology is still needed in this modern world. It remains true that men who are abusive and unloving make that plain *during courtship*, and it’s empirically true that they get worse, not better, after marriage.
Besides, splitting everything and/or cheaping out serves nobody. Not the woman who figures out she is not really loved (how much fun she must be to live with!). And not the man chained to a woman he doesn’t wholly want (how fun to provide for someone you don’t even love!).
Men and women both want and need to Love, not merely Settle For a partner.
As an earlier Love Science article showed, when men are generous, it gives *both sexes* the cues we need so we can make the choice that makes our hearts sing.
Now we just need to trust the information that’s right in front of us from the first date.
Duana’s response to Tom:
Tom,
I want to address some of the things that happened to you, where your Gifts, however creative and thoughtful and loving, may have been criticized—and where you were basically told you weren’t good enough as a provider.
Some women just can’t be pleased. Just as Gifts help women read their man’s love and commitment, a woman’s response to a truly Great (Loving & Committing) Gift is telling.
If a man has given a succession of Gifts intended to say all the things women want to hear about able, willing provision—and the woman is still not happy—Move On. She’s just not that into you, and would be the kinder for exiting the relationship instead of leeching.
Sounds like you figured that out handily, although with pain (of course). I smiled when I read that you’ve found someone who really appreciates you and your Signs. Good for you!
Cheers,
Duana
Related Love Science articles:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/guess-whos-paying-for-dinner.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-woman.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man.html
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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and Love Science Media, 2010.
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com