Wise Readers, is it time to give up? Or pursue with all you are? How does pursuit help men—not just women—know whether this is the right relationship? Here, some anguished men, and my attempts at answers. Any other suggestions? You know what to do:
Read on!
From Samuel: —I messed up—
Dear Duana,
I really messed up with my girlfriend (no, I don’t want to say what I did, but it was my fault). She’s broken up with me, blocked my text messages and calls, etc. I’m having a hard time deciding what to do to win her back, and also whether to win her back. Advice?
Samuel
Duana’s response:
Dear Samuel,
First, be honest with yourself about the reason for the break-up. Did it occur because of irreconcilable differences? You can figure that out at this article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
If so, it’s best to mourn the loss and let go of this attachment.
But if you really believe Mary is the love of your life, AND the reason for the break-up is not due to a deal-breaker, then put everything you have into winning her back per last week’s article about Pursuit Protips (http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/the-art-of-pursuit-how-and-why-to-chase-ms-could-be-right.html ). Go out of your way and show a lot more effort than just (blocked) calls, texts, or emails could convey. Very few women can resist such a show of commitment and devotion…and if they can, it really IS time to move on.
That said, two’s company, three’s a crowd, and one’s a stalker. If it’s really over for her, she won’t welcome the attention, and she’ll tell you so, either in words or with a total lack of interest after you’ve spent a couple weeks doing such things.
But if this is IT for you—take the risk without risking stalking.
Cheers,
Duana
From Terry: —I Pursued Her And She Told Me To Stop (plus, women are scary)—
Well, I did what your article last week said to do and she told me to stop. So the advice did not work and I’m hurt.
Duana’s response:
I feel bad for you. Rejection sucks. But pursing her did work—in a way. You found out, for absolute certain, that this is a no-go—without being a stalker. Much better than dragging it out and/or wondering what-if, isn’t it, or being served papers? You aren’t confused or wasting time and energy and emotion on a dead end anymore. You could be all that and then get hurt in addition. On the suck-o’-meter of Love, that might be worse, right?
Terry’s response:
Yeah. Thank you for your help. I’m still slightly afraid of women though. Lol
Duana’s response:
That’s the appropriate attitude. ;)
From Abe: —We Work Together, But Will We *Work* Together?—
I have been working with this girl for a couple of months, she is 20 and I’m 26. I’ve had this crush on here for about a month now. She is stunningly pretty in my eyes. Anyways last Thursday we all went out after work for dinner and drinks, we got drunk, and I offered to take her home that night. She asked me to come up and then we had sex. It was really drunk sex but it was good. After that I told her everything that I thought— that she was the best thing that had happened to me, and I had this huge crush on her.
Anyways, now the story gets better. My boss knows that have a crush on her and I’m due for a promotion next week. He’s warned me that I cannot date her if i want the promotion due to company’s policies and procedures.
So when we woke up the next morning we had to go for a business lunch. We got there and we both sat separately, but my boss knew that it had happened and said to me later that if anyone asked, he doesn’t know anything about it. She left the lunch and I was working that evening so I texted her late that night:
Me-‘Hey xxx I don’t know how you feel about last night but I just wanted to say that I had a great time.
Her-Don’t know what to feel. Was very unexpected but i had fun too. Just don’t want it to be weird at work.
Me-I’m so glad to hear that you had fun too and bout work it just has to be low key…hope ur having a great day….
Her-I’m still not feeling 100% from the other night…never drinking that much again haha. But going out tonight with a girlfriend. Come out after work if you want.
Me-Let’s see how the day goes and how busy we get.. Lemme know around bout midnyte where you are and I might drop by…have a great day x
Her- will do have a great day x
Since then, she has texted me asking me to come over to her place and go from there to work, but it hasn’t worked out for me to get there. What should I do or say? Thank you in advance.
Duana’s response:
Dear Abe,
This one’s pretty straightforward: Court the woman! She’s clearly interested in you. She’s returning your messages. Heck, she is inviting you to the panty party. You’re already in, and even your boss is giving this a wink and a nod.
Unfortunately, as I said to our Wise Reader at last week’s article, since you’re younger than 30, you probably don’t know what courtship is. Right now, younger folks mostly just hook up. This causes a lot of problems, because it’s confusing as hell. Does she want you, or not? Do you want her, or not? Who the heck can tell?
YOU can tell if you will learn the art of courtship (How To’s are at this article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/the-art-of-pursuit-how-and-why-to-chase-ms-could-be-right.html) .
Why court? Your mating psychology needs to pursue, and hers needs to be pursued. You need to court, not just hang out; the effort you put into courtship tells you whether or not you really want a specific woman. And your girl needs you to court her; it speaks to the mating psychology that all women carry around inside us that says “Hey, he’s showing me he wants to provide for and protect me and be with me~ he must be worthwhile.”
When you court a woman, you don’t just find out whether she loves you—but just as vitally, whether you love her. If you’re doing all this and you feel that she isn’t worth it, move on; your gut has spoken. But if you find you enjoy doing these things, and you’re falling in love…then you’re on the right track. I can’t tell you how I wish all men would court, because I get so many letters from men who are confused as to whether or not they love their girlfriend since the guy never actually put effort into winning her heart. Put in the effort. It will tell you what you need to know.
Upshot? Stop hooking up and start courting if you want to build something worth having and get the most satisfaction—emotional and sexual—from this relationship.
Oh, and one more thing…I know it’s not popular, but it’s true that having sex too soon in a relationship tends to change men’s brain chemistry, confuse men and make men *not* fall in love. (Here’s the article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-men-wait-for-sex-dumb-like-a-fox.html) The more women you hook up with right away sexually, the more confused your brain is likely to become. Try to really court a woman and get to know her before having sex. If you do, eventually you’re likely to find that thing people call true love. I would not want anyone, male or female, to miss that!
Cheers,
Duana
From Dennis: —How Can I Tell If She Wants Me…??—
I am seeing someone I met New Year’s Eve at a party where she lives with a male friend of mine. She had a date, but contacted me through some not- so- subtle ruse, and admitted that she was the instigator because we were so much alike. She hasn’t seen her NYE date since then.
She has been insanely busy for several weeks. I have not seen her in two weeks and I can handle that. It’s just when she is under pressure she retreats and does not reply AT ALL. The last time was an entire week before she responded. It usually takes me a second attempt to jog her attention, which I find irksome. I have been very patient and given her plenty of space. Every time we have gotten together the connection is great and she is very demonstrative, and the communication is genuine. She always gets back to me with a glowing review of our date.
So why the disconnect? She has been good about being true to her word, mostly, but she broke her word after saying she would be caught up and would call for sure last night; it’s tonight and she still has not called. I know usually it’s a woman complaining about this kind of situation, but I get no ambivalence from her at all when we are together.
Duana’s response:
Dear Dennis,
Thank you for trusting me with your question, for reading LoveScience, and for being patient as you awaited a response. I’ve been thinking about your issue, and it probably comes down to this:
The woman you’re interested in is highly desirable and you need to pursue her harder. As you probably know from reading LoveScience, the universal message women want to hear (at an implied level, not necessarily straight out in words) from a man before they drop everything is: “I not only have the ability to provide for and protect you, I am willing to do it.”
Your actions will say that for you.
They must, because highly desirable women—ones you really want—have lives and activities and basically aren’t going to fall for a guy who expects them to meet halfway. The competition for the best mates, male or female, is intense—and your letter makes it plain that this one is high-status. Genetically, women do the heavy lifting when it comes to risks of pregnancy, delivery, nursing, and raising young; it’s not fair, but it’s the way it is. And highly desirable women will have another guy waiting in the wings if you don’t want to do the work of distinguishing yourself and showing you really, really want her and will do what it takes to win her over.
I’m not saying you’re unwilling—quite the contrary since you’ve taken the time and energy to write to me about it. But I am saying that you need to court this one if you want her. Pursue her: Ask her on dates well ahead of time, pay for it all (it need not be expensive, but paying conveys the able/willing message), listen carefully to what she likes and doesn’t like, give her compliments, give her little gifts, call her even if she does not call back, write her letters and drop them in the actual mail, send her cards, talk about the future, introduce her to people who are important to you, gradually become part of her world. If you do that, a woman who is inclined to want you will only want you more. The woman who’ll turn you down will be one who didn’t want you anyway.
And I think she’s inclined to want you, too…if you persuade her with your clear show of serious intentions. You’re telling me she’s open and happy to see you—you just don’t see her as much as you’d like. So change that; pursue her.
Let me know how it goes.
Cheers,
Duana
From Vince: —She Broke Up With Me. My Friends Say ‘Give Her Space.’ Well, That’s Not Working—
Dear Duana,
I recently was broken up with by my girlfriend of a year and a half. I am 36, separated for over a year and a half with no intention of reconciling with my former wife. My girlfriend is in her 20s and has never been married.
She broke up with me for a few reasons. She was beginning to resent the fact that I hadn’t been taking action on my divorce (something I remedied quickly after the two of us breaking up, I needed to get that done), and she felt like she wasn’t fully part of my life. I have a 5-year-old son, and I couldn’t introduce her to him, at least not until the divorce was finalized, and he had some time to adjust. Also we had some distance to travel to see each other, and we were both busy people with work. So she said the time apart started to make her feel distant from her feelings for me.
I blew up at first and acted out of anger. We broke things off via text, something she at first didn’t want to do, and I made her. The next day she removed me from Facebook, and wrote me telling me it wasn’t easy for her, and it wasn’t that she hated me or no longer cared. But this, she thought,
would help us both heal.
I begged her not to do this, and that I wanted to make things right. I loved her and I knew that if we took the time to work things out the relationship would be stronger than before, and better. But every time I asked to speak with her, she didn’t reply. I cried my eyes out, I begged, I tried to reason, but nothing worked. Finally my guy friends said to leave her alone, that if she wanted me she would come back.
The following week I wrote her a letter. It stated that I understood that I didn’t handle this well, and I wanted to first apologize for that. Next that if I ever wanted a chance to have her in my life that I needed to give her the one thing my heart didn’t want. Time apart. I told her that I understood that if I loved her I needed to let her be happy, and right now that is with my absence. I told her that my love for her was unconditional, without end, and regardless of circumstance and that if she needed anything
she should call me and I would be there for her. I closed with that I had learned much, and it was a struggle not to contact her, but I was brave enough to learn from my mistakes and fortunate enough
to seem them for what they were. I ended with Love Always.
So I haven’t contacted her since. I am sticking to my word. Weeks later now, I am still wishing I could repair this relationship and be the man that makes her happy again. Is it possible? Is there anything I can do besides what I am already doing? I love her very much, and wanted to have her in my life for the rest of my life.
Respectfully,
Vince
Duana’s response:
Dear Vince,
Thank you for trusting me with your question about your former girlfriend, whom you’re trying to decide whether or not to pursue. It sounds like she is probably past the relationship, BUT…many a woman has been won over again by the man who shows, in deed and not just in word, that
he has truly changed. We women evolved to need not just the able provider, but the *willing* one. And nothing says willing like pursuit.
In other words, if you keep following your friends’ advice and leave her alone, that’s pretty much a No for getting back together. Now, if you do pursue her, the answer might still be no, but at least you’ll have done everything possible and you’ll know that it really is time to move on—as opposed to wondering whether it’s time.
Here’s what I recommend: Start by sending a hand-written card to her home that says something like, “I screwed up, lost the one person I love more than anyone—you—and I’m so sorry. I’d like a chance to make it work again. I’m going to keep sending you reminders of my love until I hear from you, either that you don’t want me anymore—in which case, I’ll respect your wishes and stop pursuing you—, or that you do—in which case, I will be the happiest man on earth and will really try to make you the happiest woman in the world, too.”
Then, send her flowers, send her hand-written cards, and think of other ways to romance her. One guy I heard of bought his girlfriend her favorite books; another, her favorite collectibles. Another one wrote songs for his woman, and sent her recordings of them. Yet another sent a postcard every day with
just one word on it. You get the idea. Start making sure she has some reminder of you delivered to her home or work every day. The relentless kindness and sweetness and thoughtfulness shows that you’re not bullshitting her—you really want her and you are going to put yourself out to show her
you’ve changed.
Also, get divorced. Quickly. It sounds like the way that dragged on contributed to the relationship’s demise.
And, if you really are sure this is the woman for you…then go ahead and tell her you want to marry her, and that if she wants you at all, you’re proposing.
If you’re willing to do all that, and she loves you even a little, you’ll be proving your worth and your risk-worthiness. If it’s not worth it to you to put yourself forward like that, then it’s time to get over her…she’s not the one.
Cheers,
Duana
Vince’s response:
Dear Duana,
Firstly thank you! You are one of the first people to give me actual information. Most everyone I talk to says ignore her for a while, and go out, and make sure she knows you are over her. I don’t know how I could possibly do that to be honest. I dream about her, I see her everywhere I look.
I’m kind of shocked I’ve been able to give her distance as long as I have, It’s been torture to not speak to her, call her, text her, or just go see her. But I told her I would give her space, and I have. I am a man of my word if nothing else and when I make a promise I keep it.
Now I am committed to wooing her back, show her that it’s the real thing, and that it always was. I don’t want her to think I changed simply to make her happy, because the change in me was always there, but she was the catalyst for it. I started working on the divorce immediately after the last time she and I spoke. I filed 3 days later. I sent her a copy of the paperwork. And surprisingly it sounds as if my ex isn’t going to fight it like I thought she was. I haven’t told her that part yet, I’m scared to talk to her, like I might push her away if I do.
I am thinking on the ideas you gave me, and yes I want to pursue her absolutely! But I don’t want her to feel like she has to put a restraining order on me either haha. I’m scared I’m walking the line between crazy in love, and crazy. And I don’t want to make her scared that I am some sort of psychotic ex that is jail material.
She hasn’t blocked me from any social networking sites, so I imagine that is a good sign if any. I’m hurting without her still, but you are right, I can’t win if I don’t enter the race. I have to know once and for all that she is either willing to give me the opportunity to show her I can be the man she loved and the man that can make her happy again, or that she has completely moved on and wants nothing more from me.
Thank you so much for the advice and the response! I am very much grateful for it. And I would pay any amount to get her back in my arms again. Anything short of my child would be worth having her back in my life as my partner. Take care and I hope this finds you well!
Respectfully,
Vince
Duana’s response:
Vince—and all you other loving men out there—good luck! Remember how to pursue without receiving a restraining order. Then: Go for it!
Cheers,
Duana
The science in support of today’s post appear at the links scattered throughout.
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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.