Wise Readers,
Once upon a time, in a land called Duana’s Office, a Penis-Size article erected LoveScience’s popularity among male readers in 30 nations. Yet many were not reassured by the myriad meant-to-be-reassuring facts therein. Instead, they bombarded the LoveScientist with letters that essentially said, “My size is [insert normal dimensions here], and I am scared I cannot satisfy [my wife/lover/anyone, ever].” The underlying questions are always the same: Can I satisfy a woman? Am I Enough?
One guy was so worried, he sent photos. Plural. (I did consider blocking him—cock-blocking, if you will. But he was sincere in his angst, so I answered. The rest of you better not try it, though.)
Having looked at these questions from every angle, I can give you a confident answer. But first you need to shift the focus from your sex organs to hers.
Meet The Clitoris
Gentlemen (and some ladies), pardon the bluntness, but please examine your head—the one atop your shoulders. Because I love peni, and the penis is important, but if you think its size is the end-all-be-all, you’re working from a flawed premise. No, the end-all-be-all of female pleasure is the only organ in the world whose sole purpose is to please: The Clitoris. You’ve doubtless heard of her before, and perhaps you know her well. But if you think your size should satiate women’s needs, you’re missing the boat (aka the Clitoral hood). It’s time to get better-acquainted with who The Clitoris really is, why she behaves as she does, and what you can do that will Satisfy, no matter what your size.
Ms. Clit is part of the Vulva family. Although most of her is demurely hidden, the portion you can see is exquisitely sensitive, having about as many nerve endings in her adorable little self as your entire penis; indeed, your penis and she were embryonically fashioned from identical stuff. No other part of the vulva or its surrounds—including cervix, G-spot, and vagina— is nearly as sensitive or responsive as she is, just as no other part of you is as sensitive or responsive as your penis.
How Women Satisfy Themselves
Don’t believe me? Ask a woman who’ll tell you true, or just read the science. In interviews and lab-based observations dating back from Alfred Kinsey in the 1950’s to Masters & Johnson in the 1960’s to now, only 20% of women occasionally put something (usually a finger!) in the vagina to give themselves an orgasm. Most of those women cease using penetration during masturbation after sating their curiosity about it. About 100% stimulate the clitoris every time, though.
If Penetration With A Large Penis was such a big deal, don’t you think more women would use a big dildo during masturbation—not a skinny, short finger? Maybe give themselves a good pounding? And if The Clit can safely be ignored or stimulated as a mere afterthought/’foreplay’, or left there on its own to catch whatever attention it can during thrusting, don’t you think more women would ignore their Clits when they’re all alone and able to do whatever pleases them best?
Nope. When it comes to coming, Ms. Clit is the main event. Great lovers acknowledge that fact, through their behavior and through their beliefs, no matter what their size.
Most Women Don’t Come With Just Penetration
People are individuals, of course. Some guys like their balls stroked or held; some appreciate a prostate massage. Similarly, some women like a G-spot massage (with a finger!), and most enjoy partnered penetration. But:
—even a two-inch penis (or a finger!) reaches the most sensitive portion of the vagina;
—the vagina, which is wired up for pressure only, is not nearly as sensitive as The Clit, which is richly vesseled and nerved for detail and nuance and pleasure;
—the statistically small number of women who need cervical stimulation (requiring a 5 to 6” penis to reach –which is average size) *still* want Clitoral stimulation too; and so,
—expecting a woman to get off only from intercourse is a bit like expecting a man to come without anything directly touching his penis: it can happen for some, but not for most.
Across several studies, only 20-30% of women come just with thrusting. 70-80% of women require direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm—sometimes, by mashing her Clitoris against your pubic bone or touching herself while you’re inside, but most often, even more directly: via your licking or stroking Ms. Clit with well-lubed tongue/lips/fingers/toys, in the precise manner your sweetie wants.
Clitoral Real Estate: Location, location, location
Why don’t more women come more easily to thrusting? Location, location, location. In a bizarre cosmic joke, while your size doesn’t matter (much), her Clitoral real estate does—if penetration is the one option you’ll consider. Any woman whose Clitoris is more than an inch from the vaginal opening* is unlikely to orgasm from penetration. And that, Gentlemen, is most women.
Before you transfer your measuring tape from yourself to your partner, though, please consider this. Her real estate is not your fault. It’s not hers, either. And in my opinion, it’s a shame anyone considers a ‘failure’ to orgasm during intercourse a fault of any kind, on any level. This is biological, and something you can deal with by freeing your mind and double-clicking her mouse, wherever it is. It’s there, it’s fabulous, and it’s the Key To The Queendom. And that is what matters.
So, what to do?
There’s no getting around it. You are going to have to communicate with the person you’re having sex with. And maybe let go of a few preconceived notions.
Men who write to me aren’t selfish. They want to please a partner, and that’s a Very Good Thing. But if you want to give your partner a sexual high that is real rather than faked or missed, that’ll involve a) abandoning highly incorrect porn-industry notions of The Immediately Orgasmic Woman Who Needs A Deep Dicking & Nothing Else, and b) establishing genuine intimacy with the real, individual woman you’re with.
Genuine intimacy takes time; it’s not a just-met-you-but-the-sex-is-somehow-perfect thing, nor a we’re-in-a-relationship-but-we-don’t-discuss-sex-although-we-have-it deal. It involves being comfortable knowing and being known sexually as in other ways. It is willing vulnerability. And it is the way to find out what your partner and Ms. Clit want.
Ms. Clit has her own personality—so much so that I can’t tell you what she wants, other than wet attention, because each Clitoris likes to be complimented/complemented in her own unique way. Many women prefer cunning linguists—guys who go down on them—as the most direct route to orgasm, but some are grossed out by the very idea of someone lapping away at their nether-petals. Some will Show you but won’t Tell anything; you then have to watch closely and listen to her body language, breathing, and noises…languages of their own. (And women who are reading this: Refusing to Talk to your partner is plain unfair. Really. Yes, it’s awkward to have to Speak of such things, but so is faking orgasms or not having them, right?)
And guys? Ms. Clitoris is on the outside of the vagina. Where every part of you can reach.
So here’s your answer: Yes, you can please a woman. You are Enough. Open your communication, and your mind~the two places where size really does matter.
Cheers,
Duana
*measured from the clitoral tip to the urethral opening, which is about halfway to the vaginal opening (You’re supposed to double the amount of distance between the clitoral tip and the urethral opening to get the total distance to the vaginal opening. I think.). This research was first done by Marie Bonaparte (yes, the princess, who was frustrated by the distant location of her own Pea), and later, studied by Dr. Kim Wallen, who is a guy and used Ms. Bonaparte’s data she’d collected from nearly 300 women. This measurement requires a tape measure, a mirror, some flexibility, and good eyesight. Or, you could just give good head and hand-jobs, encourage your sweetie to touch herself while you’re inside her, and stop worrying so much about penetration as The Only (or even the main) Way.
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com, and you’ll get a confidential, personal reply. If your letter is ever used on-site, it will be edited for length and identifying details to conceal your identity.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2012.
Related LoveScience articles:
The Penis Size article: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/when-size-matters-penis-size-and-womens-satisfaction.html
The Penis Size Q&A: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-when-size-matters-penis-size-and-womens-satisfaction.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Mary Roach, author of Bonk: The curious coupling of science and sex, for her third chapter wherein she talks about the percentage of women who come during intercourse, the distance of the Clitoris from the urethra, and its relationship to female orgasm during intercourse. Her interviews with Kim Wallen regarding the ‘rule of thumb’ (clitoral distance from urethra) in this article are a must-read.
If you lack the funds for a basic human sexuality textbook, this Wikipedia article and all the other related ones linked above on The Clitoris are really good: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitoris. Note that several studies show that 70-80% of human women require clitoral stimulation (fingers, tongues)—not only thrusting of a penis—to come. The many human sexuality books and research summaries I own agree.
If you have the funds, a new or used copy of any of the following human sexuality texts would be a great purchase; if you don’t have the funds, people do sell these for cheap on Craigslist and other person-to-person online sources:
Human Sexuality, 8th edition, by Spencer A. Rathus et al.; see pages 259-260 for specific information found by Kinsey and Masters & Johnson regarding women’s masturbation techniques. http://www.amazon.com/Human-Sexuality-World-Diversity-case/dp/0205786065/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348001291&sr=1-1&keywords=human+sexuality+in+a+world+of+diversity
Understanding Human Sexuality, 11th edition, by Janet Shibley Hyde & John D. Delamater. The description of the many similarities between the clitoris and the penis on pages 64-65 are worth a read, as is the rest of the book. http://www.amazon.com/Hardcover-Understanding-Sexuality-Eleventh-byDeLamater/dp/B0084QWU6E/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348001225&sr=1-7&keywords=understanding+human+sexuality+11th+edition
Our Sexuality, 11th edition, by Robert Crooks & Karla Baur http://www.amazon.com/Our-Sexuality-Robert-L-Crooks/dp/0495812943/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348001195&sr=1-1&keywords=our+sexuality+11th+edition+by+crooks+and+baur
And if you want a great sex manual, my favorite is Paul Joannides’ The Guide To Getting It On http://www.amazon.com/Guide-To-Getting-It-On/dp/1885535759/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1348001102&sr=8-2&keywords=guide+to+getting+it+on (The linked edition comes out this October, but there are earlier editions if you just can’t wait!)